LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF 
CALIf  ORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


J 


' 


EGBERT  G.  INGERSOLL. 


INGERSOLLIA. 


GEMS  OF  THOUGHT 

FROM    THE 

LECTURES,  SPEECHES,  AND  CONVERSATIONS  OF 

COL  ROBERT  G.  (INGERSOLL, 


REPRESENTATIVE  OF 


HIS  OPINIONS  AND  BELIEFS. 


THE  WHOLE  CAREFULLY  CLASSIFIED  AND  INDEXED- 


EDITED    BY    ELMO. 


CHICAGO : 

BELFORD,    CLARKE    &    CO., 

1882. 


Printed  and  Bound  by  DONOHUE  &  HENNEBERRY,  Chicago. 


CONTENTS. 


INTRODUCTION  BY  THE  EDITOR,    .    .  7 

I.    THE  ROMANCE  OF  FARM  LIFE,     .      .  13 

II.     HOME  AND  CHILDREN, 23 

III.  INDIVIDUALITY, 34 

IV.  PROGRESS,      . 41 

V.    POLITICAL  QUESTIONS, 46 

VI.     SCIENCE, 68 

VII.     SLAVERY, 76 

VIII.     THE  WAR, 81 

IX.    MONEY  THAT  is  MONEY,        ....  87 

X.    RELIGIOUS  QUESTIONS, 108 

XI.    CHURCHES  AND  PRIESTS, 116 

XII.    THE  BIBLE, 133 

XIII.  INFIDELS, 146 

XIV.  GODS  AND  DEVILS, 153 

XV.     HEAVEN  AND  HELL,       166 

XVI.     CONCERNING  GREAT  MEN,       ....  176 

XVII.     MISCELLANEOUS, 201 

XVIII.     INGERSOLL'S  FIVE  GOSPELS,    ....  226 
XIX.    GEMS    FROM    THE    CONTROVERSIAL 

CASKET, 230 

XX.    A  GOOD  WORD  FOR  JOHN  CHINAMAN,  275 
XXI.    CONCERNING   CREEDS   AND   THE  TYR- 
ANNY OF  SECTS,       285 

XXII.     A  FEW  PLAIN  QUESTIONS,      ....  297 

XXIII.  "  ORIENT  PEARLS  AT  RANDOM  STRUNG,"  302 

XXIV.  INGERSOLL'S  ORATION  AT  HIS  BROTHER'S 

GRAVE, 230 

XXV.     INGERSOLL'S  DREAM  OF  THE  WAR,  .     .  233 

XXVI.     EPIGRAMS,  DEFINITIONS  AND  BELIEFS.  237 


INGERSOLLIA. 


INTRODUCTION. 

Colonel  Robert  G.  Ingersoll  occupies  a  unique 
position.  He  is  to  a  large  extent  the  product  of  his 
own  generation.  A  man  of  the  times,  for  the  times. 
He  has  had  no  predecessor,  he  will  have  no  suc- 
cessor. Such  a  man  was  impossible  a  hundred  years 
ago;  the  probabilities  are  that  a  century  hence  no 
such  man  will  be  needed.  His  work  needs  only  to 
be  done  once.  One  such  "voice  crying  in  the 
wilderness "  is  enough  to  stir  the  sluggish  streams 
of  thought,  and  set  the  reeds  of  the  river  trembling. 
It  was  said  of  Edward  Irving,  when  he  went  to 
preach  in  that  great  wilderness  of  London,  that  he 
was  "not  a  reed  to  be  shaken  by  the  wind,  but  a 
wind  to  shake  the  reeds."  It  would  not  be  flattery 
in  any  sense  if  similar  words  were  spoken  concern- 

(7) 


8  INTRODUCTION. 

ing  the  man  who  has  uttered  the  words  of  this  book. 

Daring  to  stand  alone,  and  speak  all  the  thought 
that  is  in  him,  without  the  miserable  affectation  of 
singularity,  Colonel  Ingersoll  has  reached  a  point 
from  which  he  wields  an  influence  both  deep  and 
wide  over  thoughtful  minds.  For  the  last  few  years 
he  has  been  sowing  strange  seeds,  with  unsparing 
hand,  in  many  fields;  and  probably  no  one  is  more 
surprised  than  he  is  himself  to  find  how  thoroughly 
the  ground  was  prepared  for  such  a  seed-sowing. 

Time  is  much  too  precious  to  discuss  the  mere 
methods  of  the  sowing.  No  doubt  many  who  have 
listened  to  this  later  Gamaliel,  have  been  startled 
and  shocked  by  his  bold,  and  sometimes  terrific  ut- 
terances; but  after  the  shock — when  the  nerves  have 
regained  their  equilibrium  — has  come  serious,  calm- 
questioning  thought.  And  whoever  sets  men  to 
asking  earnest  questions,  whoever  provokes  men  to 
sincere  enquiry,  whoever  helps  men  to  think  freely, 
does  the  Man  and  the  State  and  the  Age  good  ser- 
vice. This  good  service  Colonel  Ingersoll  has  ren- 
dered. He  has  sent  the  Preachers  back  to  a  more 
careful  and  diligent  study  of  the  Bible;  he  has 
spoken  after  such  a  fashion  that  Students  in  many 
departments  of  learning  have  been  compelled  to  re- 
consider the  foundations  on  which  their  theories 
rest.  Above  all,  he  has  awakened  thousands  of 


INTRODUCTION.  9 

thoughtless  people  to  the  luxury  of  thinking,  and  he 
has  inspired  many  a  timid  thinker  to  break  all  bonds 
and  think  freely  and  fearlessly  for  himself. 

In  referring  some  time  ago  to  the  subject  matter 
of  Colonel  IngersolPs  teachings,  Prof.  David  Swing, 
of  Chicago,  laid  special  emphasis  on  the  point,  that 
the  man  speaking  and  the  thing  spoken  were  en- 
tirely separable,  and  that  no  wise  criticism  of  these 
words  could  proceed,  unless  this  fact  was  kept  in 
view.  This  word  of  caution  is  as  timely  as  it  is 
wise.  We  are  too  much  prone  to  judge  the  music 
by  the  amount  of  gilding  on  the  organ-pipes;  we  are 
too  apt  to  forget  that  gold  is  gold,  whether  in  the 
leathern  pouch  of  a  beggar  or  the  silken  purse  of  a 
king.  The  doubts  expressed,  the  truths  uttered,  the 
questions  proposed  by  the  so-called  Infidel,  demand 
of  us  that  for  their  own  sakes  we  give  them  gen- 
erous, patient  audience.  The  point  of  supreme  im- 
portance is,  not  whether  Mr.  Ingersoll  is  an  au- 
thority on  the  grave  questions  with  which  he  is 
pleased  to  deal,  but  are  these  teachings  truth? 
"There's  the  rub."  If  we  are  wise  we  shall  judge 
the  teachings  rather  than  the  teacher. 

Affrighted  orthodox  Christians  are  perpetually 
warning  their  young  friends  against  Mr.  Ingersoll. 
He  is  portrayed  as  a  very  terrible  personage,  going 
up  and  down  to  work  sad  havoc  amongst  the  unsus- 


10  INTRODUCTION. 

pecting  yputh  of  the  Time.  Orthodoxy  would  prove 
itself  wiser,  it  would  be  bolder,  and  it  would  give 
some  slight  guarantee  for  honesty,  if  it  left  the  man 
alone,  and  addressed  itself  seriously  to  the  grave 
questions  at  issue.  Colonel  Ingersoll  shares  with 
Huxley,  Darwin  and  Herbert  Spencer  the  high  dis- 
tinction of  being  criticized  most  vehemently  by 
those  who  have  never  heard  his  voice,  and  have 
never  carefully  read  a  page  of  his  published  works; 
and  as  is  always  the  case  in  such  circumstances, 
the  most  absurd  and  exaggerated  statements  of 
what  Mr.  Ingersoll  never  said  have  become  current, 
and  the  speaker  has  been  transformed  into  a  very 
Gorgon  of  horror! 

But  this  is  nothing  new,  this  is  one  of  the  many 
tolls  that  every  man  must  be  willing  to  pay  who 
marches  on  the  grand  highway  of  freedom. 

The  ppges  of  this  book  deserve  a  careful  study, 
and  if  it  be  true  that  "  out  of  the  fullness  of  the 
heart  the  mouth  speaketh,"  we  may  judge  from 
what  sort  of  a  heart-fountain  these  streams  have 
flowed. 

One  purpose  steadily  kept  in  view  in  the  editing 
of  these  pages  has  been  to  present  in  compact  and 
reasonable  space,  a  thoroughly  representative  con- 
sensus of  the  opinions  and  beliefs  of  Mr.  Ingersoll. 
He  has  been  known  chiefly  by  his  severe  attacks  on 


INTRODUCTION.  11 

theological  orthodoxy ;  but  there  are  a  thousand 
other  questions  on  which  he  has  spoken  wise  and 
impressive  words.  There  are  few  things  in  heaven 
and  earth  that  his  "  philosophy  "  has  not  embraced. 
The  quiet  life  of  the  farm  ;  the  romance  and  sanctity 
of  home ;  the  charm  of  childhood ;  the  profound 
secrets  of  philosophy  ;  the  horrors  of  slavery ;  the 
dreadful  scourge  of  war  ;  the  patriotism  and  valor 
of  the  soldiers  of  the  Republic  ;  the  high  calling  of 
statesmanship,  churches  and  priests ;  infidels  and* 
Christians  ;  gods  and  devils  ;  orthodox  and  hetrodox; 
heaven  and  hell ;  —  these,  and  a  thousand  other 
questions  have  been  discussed  with  wit,  and  wisdom 
and  matchless  eloquence.  This  volume  might  have 
been  increased  to  twice  or  thrice  its  present  size, 
and  then  there  would  have  been  material  to  spare. 
But  in  these  busy  days  economy  of  time  is  of  great 
importance.  This  is  a  book  for  busy  men  in  a  very 
busy  generation. 

It  is  matter  of  some  little  surprise  that  Mr.  Inger- 
soll  should  have  yielded  —  without  protest — to  the 
conventional  use  of  the  term  "Infidel."  The  gen- 
eral sense  in  which  the  word  is  used  is  a  gross  mis- 
representation of  its  accurate  meaning.  "  Infidel," 
is  the  last  word  that  ought  to  be  applied  to  any  man 
who  is  loyal  to  his  mind  ;  whether  that  mind  sum- 
mer in  the  light  of  steadfast  belief,  or  wander 


12  INTRODUCTION. 

through  the  mazy  fields  of  doubt.  "  What  is  Infi- 
delity ? "  There  is  no  man  more  able,  none  more 
suitable  than  Col.  Robert  Ingersoll  to  rise  and  ex- 
plain. 

Mr.  Ingersoll  has  been  called  the  Apostle  of  Unbe- 
lief. But  the  title  is  a  misnomer.  His  mouth  is  full 
to  the  lips  of  positive  statements  of  strong  convic- 
tion. His  creed  has  a  thousand  articles.  He  is 
above  all  things  the  Apostle  of  Freedom.  Freedom 
for  Nations,  for  Communities,  for  Men.  Freedom 
everywhere  !  Freedom  always !  the  zeal  with 
which  he  blows  the  trumpet  of  Liberty,  the  enthu- 
siasm with  which  he  waves  the  banner  of  Freedom, 
reminds  one  of  Tennyson's  fine  words  : — 

Of  old  stood  Freedom  on  the  heights, 

The  thunders  breaking  at  her  feet, 
Above  her  shook  the  starry  lights; 

She  heard  the  torrents  meet. 
Then  stepped  she  down  thro'  town  and  field 

To  mingle  with  the  human  race, 
And  part  by  part  to  men  revealed 

The  fullness  of  her  face — 
Her  open  eyes  desire  the  truth, 

The  wisdom  of  a  thousand  years 
Is  in  them.    May  perpetual  youth 

Keep  dry  their  light  from  tears ; 
That  her  fair  form  may  stand  and  shine: 

Make  bright  our  days  and  light  our  dreams, 
Tuning  to  scorn  with  lips  divine 

The  falsehood  of  extremes  ! 


THE  ROMANCE  OF  FARM  LIFE. 


1.    Ingersoll  as  a  Farmer. 

When  I  was  a  farmer  they  used  to  haul  wheat  two 
hundred  miles  in  wagons  and  sell  it  for  thirty-five 
cents  a  bushel.  They  would  bring  home  about  three 
hundred  feet  of  lumber,  two  bunches  of  shingles,  a 
barrel  of  salt,  and  a  cook-stove  that  never  would 
draw  and  never  did  bake. 

In  those  blessed  days  the  people  lived  on  corn  and 
bacon.  Cooking  was  an  unknown  art.  Eating  was 
a  necessity,  not  a  pleasure.  It  was  hard  work  for 
the  cook  to  keep  on  good  terms  even  with  hunger. 
We  had  poor  houses.  The  rain  held  the  roofs  in  per- 
fect contempt,  and  the  snow  drifted  joyfully  on  the 
floors  and  beds.  They  had  no  barns.  The  horses 
were  kept  in  rail  pens  surrounded  with  straw.  Long 
before  spring  the  sides  would  be  eaten  away  and 
nothing  but  roofs  would  be  left.  Food  is  fuel.  When 
the  cattle  were  exposed  to  all  the  blasts  of  winter, 
it  took  all  the  corn  and  oats  that  could  be  stuffed  in- 

(13) 


14  1NGERSOLLIA. 

to  them  to  prevent  actual  starvation.  In  those 
times  farmers  thought  the  best  place  for  the  pig-pen 
was  immediately  in  front  of  the  house.  There  is 
nothing  like  sociability.  Women  were  supposed  to 
know  the  art  of  making  fires  without  fuel.  The 
wood-pile  consisted,  as  a  general  thing,  of  one  log, 
upon  which  an  axe  or  two  had  been  worn  out  in  vain. 
There  was  nothing  to  kindle  a  fire  with.  Pickets 
were  pulled  from  the  garden  fence,  clap-boards 
taken  from  the  house,  and  every  stray  plank  was 
seized  upon  for  kindling.  Everything  was  done  in 
the  hardest  way.  Everything  about  the  farm  was 
disagreeable. 

2.    The  Happy  Life   of  the  Farm. 

There  is  a  quiet  about  the  life  of  a  farmer,  and  the 
hope  of  a  serene  old  age,  that  no  other  business  or 
profession  can  promise.  A  professional  man  is 
doomed  some  time  to  find  that  his  powers  are  want- 
ing. He  is  doomed  to  see  younger  and  stronger  men 
pass  him  in  the  race  of  life.  He  looks  forward  to  an 
old  age  of  intellectual  mediocrity.  He  will  be  last 
where  once  he  was  the  first.  But"  the  farmer  goes 
as  it  were  into  partnership  with  nature — he  lives 
with  trees  and  flowers — he  breathes  the  sweet  air  of 
the  fields.  There  is  no  constant  and  frightful  strain 
upon  his  mind.  His  nights  are  filled  with  sleep  and 
rest.  He  watches  his  flocks  and  herds  as  they  feed 
upon  the  green  and  sunny  slopes.  He  hears  the 


INGERSOLLIA.  15 

pleasant  rain  falling  upon  the  waving  corn,  and  the 
trees  he  planted  in  youth  rustle  above  him  as  he 
plants  others  for  the  children  yet  to  be. 

3.    The  Ambitious  Farmer's  Boy. 

Nearly  every  farmer's  boy  took  an  oath  that  he 
would  never  cultivate  the  soil.  The  moment  they 
arrived  at  the  age  of  twenty-one  they  left  the  deso- 
late and  dreary  farms  and  rushed  to  the  towns  and 
cities.  They  wanted  to  be  book-keepers,  doctors, 
merchants,  railroad  men,  insurance  agents,  law- 
yers, even  preachers,  anything  to  avoid  the  drudg- 
ery of  the  farm.  Nearly  every  boy  acquainted  with 
the  three  R's — reading,  writing  and  arithmetic— 
imagined  that  he  had  altogether  more  education 
than  ought  to  be  wasted  in  raising  potatoes  and 
coen.  They  made  haste  to  get  into  some  other  busi- 
ness. Those  who  stayed  upon  the  farm  envied  those 
who  went  away. 

4.    Never  Be  Afraid  of  "Work ! 

There  are  hundreds  of  graduates  of  Yale  and  Har- 
vard and  other  colleges  who  are  agents  of  sewing 
machines,  solicitors  for  insurance,  clerks  and  copy- 
ists, in  short,  performing  a  hundred  varieties  of 
menial  service.  They  seem  wrlling  to  do  anything 
that  is  not  regarded  as  work — anything  that  can  be 
done  in  a  town,  in  the  house,  in  an  office,  but  they 
avoid  farming  as  they  would  leprosy.  Nearly  every 
young  man  educated  in  this  way  is  simply  ruined. 


16  INGERSOLLIA. 

Boys  and  girls  should  be  educated  to  help  them- 
selves; they  should  be  taught  that  it  is  disgraceful 
to  be  seen  idle,  and  dishonorable  to  be  useless. 

5.    Happiness  the  Object  of  Life. 

Remember,  I  pray  you,  that  you  are  in  partner- 
ship with  all  labor — that  you  should  join  hands  with 
all  the  sons  and  daughters  of  toil,  and  that  all  who 
work  belong  to  the  same  noble  family. 

Happiness  should  be  the  object  of  life,  and  if  life 
on  the  farm  can  be  made  really  happy,  the  children 
will  grow  up  in  love  with  the  meadows,  the  streams, 
tne  woods  and  the  old  home.  Around  the  farm  will 
cling  and  cluster  the  happy  memories  of  the  delight- 
ful years. 

6.    The  Sunset  of  the  Farmer's  Life. 

For  my  part,  I  envy  the  man  who  has  lived  on  the 
same  broad  acres  from  his  boyhood,  who  cultivates 
the  fields  where  in  youth  he  played,  and  lives  where 
his  father  lived  and  died.  I  can  imagine  no  sweeter 
way  to  end  one's  life  than  in  the  quiet  of  the  coun- 
try, out  of  the  mad  race  for  money,  place  and 
power — far  from  the  demands  of  business — out  of 
the  dusty  highway  where  fools  struggle  and  strive 
for  the  hoi  ow  praise  of  other  fools.  Surrounded  by 
these  pleasant  fields  and  faithful  friends,  by  those  I 
have  loved,  I  hope  to  end  my  days. 


INGERSOLLIA.  17 

7.    Farmers,  Protect  Yourselves ! 

The  farmers  should  vote  only  for  such  men  as  are 
able  and  willing  to  guard  and  advance  the  interests 
of  labor.  We  should  know  better  than  to  vote  for 
men  who  will  deliberately  put  a  tariff  of  three 
dollars  a  thousand  upon  Canada  lumber,  when  every 
farmer  in  the  States  is  a  purchaser  of  lumber.  Peo- 
ple who  live  upon  the  prairies  ought  to  vote  for  cheap 
lumber.  We  should  protect  ourselves.  We  ought 
to  have  intelligence  enough  to  know  what  we  want 
and  how  to  get  it.  The  real  laboring  men  of  this 
country  can  succeed  if  they  are  united.  By  laboring 
men,  I  do  not  mean  only  the  farmers.  I  mean  all 
who  contribute  in  some  way  to  the  general  welfare. 
8.  Roast  the  Beef,  Not  the  Cook. 

Farmers  should  live  like  "princes.  Eat  the  best 
things  you  raise  and  sell  the  rest.  Have  good  things 
to  cook  and  good  things  to  cook  with.  Of  all  people 
in  our  country,  you  should  live  the  best.  Throw 
your  miserable  little  stoves  out  of  the  window.  Get 
ranges,  and  have  them  so  built  that  your  wife  need 
not  burn  her  face  off  to  get  you  a  breakfast.  Do 
not  make  her  cook  in  a  kitchen  hot  as  the  ortho- 
dox perdition.  The  beef,  not  the  cook,  should  be 
roasted.  It  is  just  as  easy  to  have  things  convenient 
and  right  as  to  have  them  any  other  way. 

9.    Cultivated  Farmers. 

There  is  no  reason  why  farmers  should  not  be  the 


18  INGEESOLLIA. 

kindest  and  most  cultivated  of  men.  There  is  noth- 
ing in  plowing  the  fields  to  make  men  cross,  cruel 
and  crabbed.  To  look  upon  the  sunny  slopes  cov- 
ered with  daisies  does  not  tend  to  make  men  unjust. 
Whoever  labors  for  the  happiness  of  those  he  loves, 
elevates  himself,  no  matter  whether  he  works  in  the 
dreary  shop  or  the  perfumed  field. 

10.  The  Wages  of  Slovenly  Farming. 
Nothing  was  kept  in"  order.  Nothing  was  pre- 
served. The  wagons  stood  in  the  sun  and  rain,  and 
the  plows  rusted  in  the  fields.  There  was  no  leisure, 
no  feeling  that  the  work  was  done.  It  was  all  labor 
and  weariness  and  vexation  of  spirit.  The  crops 
were  destroyed  by  wandering  herds,  or  they  were 
put  in  too  late,  or  too  early,  or  they  were  blown 
down,  or  caught  by  the  frost,  or  devoured  by  bugs, 
or  stung  by  flies,  or  eaten  by  worms,  or  carried  away 
by  birds,  or  dug  up  by  gophers,  or  washed  away  by 
floods,  or  dried  up  by  the  sun,  or  rotted  in  the  stack, 
or  heated  in  the  crib,  or  they  all  ran  to  vines,  or 
tops,  or  straw,  or  cobs.  And  when  in  spite  of  all 
these  accidents  that  lie  in  wait  between  the  plow 
and  reaper,  they  did  succeed  in  raising  a  good  crop 
and  a  high  price  was  offered,  then  the  roads  would 
be  impassable.  And  when  the  roads  got  good,  then 
the  prices  went  down.  Everything  worked  together 

for  evil. 

11.    The  Farmer's  Happy  Winter. 

I  can  imagine  no  condition  that  carries  with  it 


JAMES  A.  GABFIELD. 


INGERSOLLIA.  19 

such  a  promise  of  joy  as  that  of  the  farmer  in  early 
winter.  He  has  his  cellar  filled — he  had  made  every 
preparation  for  the  days  of _  snow  and  storm — he 
looks  forward  to  three  months  of  ease  and  rest ;  to 
three  months  of  fireside  content ;  three  months  with 
wife  and  children  ;  three  months  of  long,  delightful 
evenings ;  three  months  of  home ;  three  months  of 
solid  comfort. 

12.    The  Almighty  Dollar. 

Ains worth  R.  Spofford  —  says  Col.  Ingersoll  — 
gives  the  following  facts  about  interest:  "One  dollar 
loaned  for  one  hundred  years  at  six  per  cent.,  with 
the  interest  collected  annually  and  added  to  the 
principal,  will  amount  to  three  hundred  and  forty 
dollars.  At  eight  per  cent,  it  amounts  to  two  thou- 
sand two  hundred  and  three  dollars.  At  three  per 
cent,  it  amounts  only  to  nineteen  dollars  and  twen- 
ty-five cents.  At  ten  per  cent,  it  is  thirteen  thou- 
sand eight  hundred  and  nine  dollars,  or  about  seven 
hundred  times  as  much.  At  twelve  per  cent,  it 
amounts  to  eighty-four  thousand  and  seventy-five 
dollars,  or  more  than  four  thousand  times  as  much. 
At  eighteen  per  cent,  it  amounts  to  fifteen  million 
one  hundred  and  forty-five  thousand  and*seven  dol- 
lars. At  twenty-four  per  cent,  it  reaches  the  enorm- 
ous sum  of  two  billion,  five  hundred  and  fifty-one 
million,  seven  hundred  and  ninety-five  thousand, 
four  hundred  and  four  dollars!"  One  dollar  at  com- 


20  INGERSOLLIA. 

pound  interest,  at  twenty-four  per  cent.,  for  one 
hundred  years,  would  produce  a  sum  equal  to  our 
national  debt. 

13.    The  Farmer  in  Debt. 

Interest  eats  night  and  day,  and  the  more  it  eats 
the  hungrier  it  grows.  The  farmer  in  debt,  lying 
awake  at  night,  can,  if  he  listens,  hear  it  gnaw.  If 
he  owes  nothing,  he  can  hear  his  corn  grow.  Get 
out  of  debt,  as  soon  as  you  possibly  can.  You  have 
supported  idle  avarice  and  lazy  economy  long 
enough. 

14.    Own  Your  Own  Home. 

There  can  be  no  such  thing  in  the  highest  sense 
as  a  home  unless  you  own  it.  There  must  be  an 
incentive  to  plant  trees,  to  beautify  the  grounds,  to 
preserve  and  improve.  It  elevates  a  man  to  own  a 
home.  It  gives  a  certain  independence,  a  force  of 
character  that  is  obtained  in  no  other  way.  A  man 
without  a  home  feels  like  a  passenger.  There  is  in 
such  a  man  a  little  of  the  vagrant.  Homes  make 
patriots.  He  who  has  sat  by  his  own  fireside  with 
wife  and  children,  will  defend  it.  Few  men  have 
been  patriotic  enough  to  shoulder  a  musket  in  de- 
fense of  a  boarding-house.  The  prosperity  and  glory 
of  our  country  depend  upon  the  number  of  people 
who  are  the  owners  of  homes. 

15.    What  to  do  with  the  Idlers. 

Our  country  is  filled  with  the  idle  and  unemploy- 


INGERSOLLIA.  21 

ed,  and  the  great  question  asking  for  an  answer  is  : 
What  shall  be  done  with  these  men?  What  shall 
these  men  do?  To  this  there  is  but  one  answer: 
They  must  cultivate  the  soil.  Farming  must  be 
more  attractive.  Those  who  work  the  land  must 
have  an  honest  pride  in  their  business.  'They  must 
educate  their  children  to  cultivate  the  soil. 
16.  Farm-Life  Lonely. 

I  say  again,  if  you  want  more  men  and  women  on 
the  farms,  something  must  be  done  to  make  farm- 
life  pleasant.  One  great  difficulty  is  that  the  farm 
is  lonely.  People  write  about  the  pleasures  of  soli- 
tude, but  they  are  found  only  in  books.  He  who 
lives  long  alone,  becomes  insane. 

.     17.    The  Best  Farming  States. 

The  farmer  in  the  Middle  States  has  the  best  soil — 
the  greatest  return  for  the  least  labor — more  leisure 
— more  time  for  enjoyment  than  any  other  farmer 
in  the  world.  His  hard  work  ceases  with  autumn. 
He  has  the  long  winters  in  which  to  become  ac- 
quainted with  his  family — with  his  neighbors — in 
which  to  read  and  keep  abreast  with  the  advanced 
thought  of  his  day.  He  has  the  time  and  means  of 
self -culture.  He  has  more  time  than  the  mechanic, 
the  merchant  or  the  professional  man.  If  the  farmer 
is  not  well  informed  it  is  his  own  fault.  Books  are 
cheap,  and  every  farmer  can  have  enough  to  give 
him  the  outline  of  every  science,  and  an  idea  of  all 
that  has  been  accomplished  by  man. 


22  INGEESOLLIA. 

18.    The  Laborers,  the  Kings  and  Queens. 

The  farmer  has  been  elevated  through  science, 
and  he  should  not  forget  the  debt  he  owes  to  the 
mechanic,  to  the  inventor,  to  the  thinker.  He  should 
remember  that  all  laborers  belong  to  the  same  grand 
family — that  they  are  the  real  kings  and  queens, 
the  only  true  nobility. 


HOME  AND  CHILDREN. 

19.    The  Family  the  Only  Heaven  in  this  World. 

Don't  make  that  poor  girl  play  ten  years  on  a 
piano  when  she  has  no  ear  for  music,  and  when  she 
has  practiced  until  she  can  play  "  Bonaparte  Cross- 
ing the  Alps,"  you  can't  tell  after  she  has  played  it 
whether  Bonaparte  ever  got  across  or  not.  Men  are 
oaks,  women  are  vines,  children  are  flowers,  and  if 
there  is  any  Heaven  in  this  world  it  is  in  the  family. 
It  is  where  the  wife  loves  the  husband,  and  the  hus- 
band loves  the  wife,  and  where  the  dimpled  arms  of 
children  are  about  the  necks  of  both. 

20.    The  Far-Seeing  Eyes  of  Children. 

I  want  to  tell  you  this,  you  cannot  get  the  robe  of 
hypocrisy  on  you  so  thick  that  the  sharp  eye  of  child- 
hood will  not  see  through  every  veil. 

21.    Love  arid  Freedom  in  a  Cabin. 

I  would  rather  go  to  the  forest  far  away  and  build 
me  a  little  cabin — build  it  myself  and  daub  it  with 
mud,  and  live  there  with  my  wife  and  family — and 

(23) 


24  INGERSOLLIA. 

have  a  little  path  that  led  down  to  the  spring,  where 
the  water  bubbled  out  day  and  night,  like  a  little 
poem,  from  the  heart  of  the  earth;  a  little  hut  with 
some  hollyhocks  at  the  corner,  with  their  bannered 
bosoms  open  to  the  sun,  and  with  the  thrush  in  the 
air,  like  a  song  of  joy  in  the  morning;  I  would  rather 
live  there  and  have  some  lattice  work  across  the 
window,  so  that  the  sunlight  would  fall  checkered 
on  the  baby  in  the  cradle;  I  would  rather  live  there 
and  have  my  soul  erect  and  free,  than  to  live  in  a 
palace  of  gold  and  wear  the'crown  of  imperial  power 
and  know  that  my  soul  was  slimy  with  hypocrisy. 

22.    The  Turnpike  Road  of  Happiness. 

Whoever  marries  simply  for  himself  will  make  a 
mistake;  but  whoever  loves  a  woman  so  well  that  he 
says,  "I  will  make  her  happy,"  makes  no  mistake; 
and  so  with  the  woman  who  says,  "  I  will  make  him 
happy."  There  is  only  one  way  to  be  happy,  and 
that  is  to  make  somebody  else  so,  and  you  can't  be 
happy  cross-lots;  you  haee  got  to  go  the  regular 
turnpike  road. 

23.    Love  Paying  Ten  Per  Cent. 

I  tell  you  to-night  there  is  on  the  average  more 
love  in  the  homes  of  the  poor  than  in  the  palaces  of 
the  rich;  and  the  meanest  hut  with  love  in  it  is  fit 
for  the  gods,  and  a  palace  without  love  is  a  den  only 
fit  for  wild  beasts.  That's  my  doctrine  !  You  can't 
be  so  poor  but  that  you  can  help  somebody.  Good 


INGEESOLLIA.  25 

nature  is  the  cheapest  commodity  in  the  world;  and 
love  is  the  only  thing  that  will  pay  ten  per  cent,  to 
borrower  and  lender  both.  Don't  tell  me  that  you 
have  got  to  be  rich  !  We  have  all  a  false  standard 
of  greatness  in  the  United  States.  We  think  here 
that  a  man  to  be  great  must  be  notorious;  he  must 
be  extremely  wealthy  or  his  name  must  be  between 
the  lips  of  rumor.  It  is  all  nonsense !  It  is  not 
necessary  to  be  rich  to  be  great,  or  to  be  powerful  to 
be  happy;  and  the  happy  man  is  the  successful  man. 
Happiness  is  the  legal-tender  of  the  soul.  Joy  is 
wealth. 

24.    A  Word  to  the  Cross-Grained. 

A  cross  man  I  hate  above  all  things.  What  right 
has  he  to  murder  the  sunshine  of  the  day?  What 
right  has  he  to  assassinate  the  joy  of  life?  When 
you  go  home  you  ought  to  feel  the  light  there  is  in 
the  house;  if  it  is  in  the  night  it  will  burst  out  of  the 
doors  and  windows  and  illuminate  the  darkness.  It 
is  just  as  well  to  go  home  a  ray  of  sunshine  as  an 
old,  sour,  cross  curmudgeon,  who  thinks  he  is  the 
head  of  the  family.  Wise  men  think  their  mighty 
brains  have  been  in  a  turmoil;  they  have  been  think- 
ing about  who  will  be  alderman  from  the  Fifth 
ward;  they  have  been  thinking  about  politics;  great 
and  mighty  questions  have  been  engaging  their 
minds;  they  have  bought  calico  at  eight  cents  or  six, 
and  want  to  sell  it  for  seven.  Think  of  the  intel- 
lectual strain  that  must  have  been  upon  a  man,  and 


26  INGERSOLLIA. 

when  he  gets  home  everybody  else  in  the  house 
must  look  out  for  his  comfort.  Head  of  the  house, 
indeed!  I  don't  like  him  a  bit ! 

25.    Oh!  Daughters  and  Wives  be  Beautiful! 

I  am  a  believer  in  fashion.  It  is  the  duty  of  every 
woman  to  make  herself  as  beautiful  and  attractive 
as  she  possibly  can.  "  Handsome  is  as  handsome 
does,"  but  she  is  much  handsomer  if  well  dressed. 
Every  man  should  look  his  very  best.  I  am  a  be- 
liever in  good  clothes.  The  time  never  ought  to 
come  in  this  coun  ry  when  you  can  tell  a  farmer's 
daughter  simply  by  the  garments  she  wears.  I  say 
to  every  girl  and  woman,  no  matter  what  the  material 
of  your  dress  may  be,  no  matter  how  cheap  and 
coarse  it  is,  cut  it  and  make  it  in  the  fashion.  I  be- 
lieve in  jewelry.  Some  people  look  upon  it  as  bar- 
baric, but  in  my  judgment,  wearing  jewelry  is  the 
first  evidence  the  barbarian  gives  of  a  wish  to  be 
civilized.  To  adorn  ourselves  seems  to  be  a  part  of 
our  nature,  and  this  desire,  seems  to  be  everywhere 
and  in  everything.  I  have  sometimes  thought  that 
the  desire  for  beauty  covers  the  earth  with  flowers. 
It  is  this  desire  that  paints  the  wings  of  moths,  tints 
the  chamber  of  the  shell,  and  gives  the  bird  its  plum- 
age and  its  song.  Oh!  daughters  and  wives  if  you 
would  be  loved,  adorn  yourselves — if  you  would  be 
adorned,  be  beautiful! 


INGERSOLLIA.  27 

26.  A  Wholesome  Word  to  the  Stingy. 
I  despise  a  stingy  man.  I  don't  see  how  it  is  pos- 
sible for  a  man  to  die  worth  fifty  millions  of  dollars 
or  ten  millions  of  dollars,  in  a  city  full  of  want,  when 
he  meets  almost  every  day  the  withered  hand  of 
beggary  and  the  white  lips  of  famine.  How  a  man 
can  withstand  all  that,  and  hold  in  the  clutch  of  his 
greed  twenty  or  thirty  millions  of  dollars,  is  past  my 
comprehension.  I  do  not  see  how  he  can  do  it.  I 
should  not  think  he  could  do  it  any  more  than  he 
could  keep  a  pile  of  lumber  where  hundreds  and 
thousands  of  men  were  drowning  in  the  sea.  I 
should  not  think  he  could  do  it.  Do  you  know  I 
have  known  men  who  would  trust  their  wives  with 
their  hearts  and  their  honor,  but  not  with  their 
pocketbook;  not  with  a  dollar.  When  I  see  a  man 
of  that  kind  I  always  think  he  knows  which  of  these 
articles  is  the  most  valuable. 

27.    The  Boss  of  the  Family. 

If  you  are  the  grand  emperor  of  the  world,  you 
had  better  be  the  grand  emperor  of  one  loving  and 
tender  heart,  and  she  the  grand  empress  of  yours. 
The  man  who  has  really  won  the  love  of  one  good 
woman  in  this  world,  I  do  not  care  if  he  dies  a  beg- 
gar, his  life  has  been  a  success.  I  tell  you  it  is  an 
infamous  word  and  an  infamous  feeling — a  man  who 
is  "boss,"  who  is  going  to  govern  in  his  family;  and 
when  he  speaks  let  all  the  rest  of  them  be  still;  some 


28  INGERSOLLIA. 

mighty  idea  is  about  to  be  launched  from  his  mouth. 
Do  you  know  I  dislike  this  man? 

28.    Be  Honor  Bright! 

A  good  way  to  make  children  tell  the  truth  is  to 
tell  it  yourself.  Keep  your  word  with  your  child  the 
same  as  you  would  with  your  banker.  Be  perfectly 
honor  bright  with  your  children,  and  they  will  be 
your  friends  when  you  are  old. 

29.    The  Opera  at  the  Table. 

I  like  to  hear  children  at  the  table  telling  what  big 
things  they  have  seen  during  the  day;  I  like  to  hear 
their  merry  voices  mingling  with  the  clatter  of  knives 
and  forks.  I  had  rather  hear  that  than  any  opera 
that  was  ever  put  upon  the  stage.  I  hate  this  idea 
of  authority. 

30.    A  Child's  laugh  sweeter  than  Apollo's  lyre. 

I  said,  and  I  say  again,  no  day  can  be  so  sacred  but 
that  the  laugh  of  a  child  will  make  the  holiest  day 
more  sacred  still.  Strike  with  hand  of  fire,  oh, 
weird  jmusician,  thy  harp,  strung  with  Apollo's 
golden  hair;  fill  the  vast  cathedral  aisles  with  sym- 
phonies sweet  and  dim,  deft  toucher  of  the  organ 
keys;  blow,  bugler,  blow,  until  thy  silver  notes  do 
touch  the  skies,  with  moonlit  waves,  and  charm  the 
lovers  wandering  on  the  vine-clad  hills:  but  know, 
your  sweetest  strains  are  discords  all,  compared 
with  childhood's  happy  laugh,  the  laugh  that  fills 


INGERSOLLIA.  29 

the  eyes  with  light  and  every  heart  with  joy;  oh, 
rippling  river  of  life,  thou  art  the  blessed  boundary- 
line  between  the  beasts  and  man,  and  every  way- 
ward wave  of  thine  doth  drown  some  fiend  of  care; 
oh,  laughter,  divine  daughter  of  joy,  make  dimples 
enough  in  the  cheeks  of  the  world  to  catch  and 
hold  and  glorify  all  the  tears  of  grief. 
31.  Don't  Wake  the  Children. 

Let  your  children  sleep.  Do  not  drag  them  from 
their  beds  in  the  darkness  of  night.  Do  not  compel 
them  to  associate  all  that  is  tiresome,  irksome  and 
dreadful  with  cultivating  the  soil.  Treat  your  chil- 
dren with  infinite  kindness — treat  them  as  equals. 
There  is  no  happiness  in  a  home  not  filled  with  love. 
When  the  husband  hates  his  wife — where  the  wife 
hates  the  husband;  where  the  children  hate  their 
parents  and  each  other — there  is  a  hell  upon  earth. 
32.  How  to  Deal  with  Children. 

Some  Christians  act  as  though  they  thought  when 
the  Lord  said,  "  Suffer  little  children  to  come  unto 
me,"  that  he  had  a  rawhide  under  his  mantle — they 
act  as  if  they  thought  so.  That  is  all  wrong.  I  tell 
my  children  this:  Go  where  you  may,  commit  what 
crime  you  may,  fall  to  what  depths  of  degradation 
you  may,  I  can  never  shut  my  arms,  my  heart  or  my 
door  to  you.  As  long  as  I  live  you  shall  have  one 
sincere  friend;  do  not  be  afraid  to  tell  anything 
wrong  you  have  done;  ten  to  one  if  I  have  not  done 


30  INGERSOLLIA. 

the  same  thing.  I  am  not  perfection,  and  if  it  is 
necessary  to  sin  in  order  to  have  sympathy,  I  am 
glad  I  have  committed  sin  enough  to  have  sym- 
pathy. The  sterness  of  perfection  I  do  not  want.  I 
am  going  to  live  so  that  my  children  can  come  to 
my  grave  and  truthfully  say,  "  He  who  sleeps  here 
never  gave  us  one  moment  of  pain."  Whether  you 
call  that  religion  or  infidelity,  suit  yourselves;  that 
is  the  way  I  intend  to  do  it. 

33.    Give  a  Child  a  Chance. 

Do  not  create  a  child  to  be  a  post  set  in  an  ortho- 
dox row;  raise  investigators  and  thinkers,  not  di&- 
ciples  and  followers;  cultivate  reason,  not  faith; 
cultivate  investigation,  not  superstition;  and  if  you 
have  any  doubt  yourself  about  a  thing  being  so,  tell 
them  about  it;  don't  tell  them  the  world  was  made 
in  six  days — if  you  think  six  days  means  six  good 
whiles,  tell  them  six  good  whiles.  If  you  have  any 
doubts  about  anybody  being  in  a  furnace  and  not 
being  burnt,  or  even  getting  uncomfortably  warm, 
tell  them  so — be  honest  about  it.  If  you  look  upon 
the  jaw-bone  of  a  donkey  as  not  a  good  weapon,  say 
so.  Give  a  child  a  chance.  If  you  think  a  man 
never  went  to  sea  in  a  fish,  tell  them  so,  it  won't 
make  them  any  worse.  Be  honest — that  is  all;  don't 
cram  their  heads  with  things  that'  will  take  them 
years  to  unlearn;  tell  them  facts — it  is  just  as  easy. 
It  is  as  easy  to  find  out  botany,  and  astronomy,  and 


INGERSOLLIA.  31 

geology,  and  history — it  is  as  easy  to  find  out  all 
these  things  as  to  cram  their  minds  with  things  you 
know  nothing  about. 

34.    The  Greatest  Liars  in  Michigan. 

I  was  over  in  Michigan  the  other  day.  •  There  was 
a  boy  over  there  at  Grand  Rapids  about  five  or  six 
years  old,  a  nice,  smart  boy,  as  you  will  see  from 
the  remark  he  made — what  you  might  call  a  nine- 
teenth century  boy.  His  father  and  mother  had 
promised  to  take  him  out  riding  for  about  three 
weeks,  and  they  would  slip  off  and  go  without 
him.  Well,  after  a  while  that  got  kind  of  played 
out  with  the  little  boy,  and  the  day  before  I  was 
there  they  played  the  trick  on  him  again.  They 
went  out  and  got  the  carriage,  and  went  away,  and 
as  they  rode  away  from  the  front  of  the  house,  he 
happened  to  be  standing  there  with  his  nurse,  and 
he  saw  them.  The  whole  thing  flashed  on  him  in  a 
moment.  He  took  in  the  situation,  and  turned  to 
his  nurse  and  said,  pointing  to  his  father  and 
mother:  "  There  go  the  two  biggest  liars  in  the 
State  of  Michigan!"  When  you  go  home  fill  the 
house  with  joy,  so  that  the  light  of  it  will  stream 
out  the  windows  and  doors,  and  illuminate  even  the 
darkness.  It  is  just  as  easy  that  way  as  any  in  the 
world. 

35.    Forgive  the  Children  ! 

When  your  child  confesses  to  you  that  it  has  com 


32  INGERSOLLIA. 

mitted  a  fault,  take  the  child  in  your  arms,  and  let 
it  feel  your  heart  beat  against  its  heart,  and  raise 
your  children  in  the  sunlight  of  love,  and  they  will 
be  sunbeams  to  you  along  the  pathway  of  life. 
Abolish  the  club  and  the  whip  from  the  house,  be- 
cause, if  the  civilized  use  a  whip,  the  ignorant  and 
the  brutal  will  use  a  club,  and  they  will  use  it  be- 
cause you  use  the  whip. 

36.    A  Solemn  Satire  on  Whipping  Children. 

If  there  is  one  of  you  here  that  ever  expect  to 
whip  your  child  again,  let  me  ask  you  something. 
Have  your  photograph  taken  at  the  time,  and  let  it 
show  your  face  red  with  vulgar  anger,  and  the  face 
of  the  little  one  with  eyes  swimming  in  tears.  If 
that  little  child  should  die  I  cannot  think  of  a 
sweeter  way  to  spend  an  Autumn  afternoon  than  to 
take  that  photograph  and  go  to  the  cemetery,  where 
the  maples  are  clad  in  tender  gold,  and  when  little 
scarlet  runners  are  coming,  like  poems  of  regret, 
from  the  sad  heart  of  the  earth;  and  sit  down  upon 
that  mound,  I  look  upon  that  photograph,  and  think 
of  the  flesh,  made  dust,  that  you  beat.  Just  think 
of  it.  I  could  not  bear  to  die  in  the  arms  of  a  child 
that  I  had  whipped.  I  could  not  bear  to  feel  upon 
my  lips,  when  they  were  withering  beneath  the 
touch  of  death,  the  kiss  of  one  that  I  had  struck. 
37.  The  Whips  and  Gods  are  Gone  ! 

Children  are  better  treated  than  they  used  to  be; 


INGERSOLLIA.  33 

the  old  whips  and  gods  are  out  of  the  schools,  and 
they  are  governing  children  by  love  and  sense.  The 
world  is  getting  better;  it  is  getting  better  in  Maine. 
It  has  got  better  in  Maine,  in  Vermont.  It  is  get- 
ting better  in  every  State  of  the  North. 


INDIVIDUALITY. 

88.    Absolute  Independence  of  the  Individual. 

What  we  want  to-day  is  what  our  fathers  wrote. 
They  did  not  attain  to  their  ideal;  we  approach  it 
nearer,  but  have  not  yet  reached  it.  We  want,  not 
only  the  independence  of  a  state,  not  only  the  inde- 
pendence of  a  nation,  but  something  far  more  glo- 
rious— the  absolute  independence  of  the  individual. 
That  is  what  we  want.  I  want  it  so  that  I,  one  of 
the  children  of  Nature,  can  stand  on  an  equality 
with.the  rest;  that  I  can  say  this  is  my  air,  my  sun- 
shine, my  earth,  and  I  have  a  right  to  live,  and 
hope,  and  aspire,  and  labor,  and  enjoy  the  fruit  of 
that  labor,  as  much  as  any  individual,  or  any  nation . 
on  the  face  of  the  globe. 

39.    Saved  by  Disobedience. 

I  tell  you  there  is  something  splendid  in  man  that 
will  not  always  mind.  Why,  if  we  had  done  as  the 
kings  told  us  five  hundred  years  ago,  we  would  all 
have  been  slaves.  If  we  had  done  as  the  priests 

(34) 


INGERSOLLIA.  35 

told  us,  we  would  all  have  been  idiots.  If  we  had. 
done  as  the  doctors  told  us,  we  would  all  have  been 
dead.  We  have  been  saved  by  disobedience.  We 
have  been  saved  by  that  splendid  thing  called  inde- 
pendence, and  I  want  to  see  more  of  it,  day  after 
day,  and  I  want  to  see  children  raised  so  they  will 
have  it.  That  is  my  doctrine. 

40.    Intellectual  Tyranny. 

Nothing  can  be  more  infamous  than  intellectual 
tyranny.  To  put  chains  upon  the  body  is  as  nothing 
compared  with  putting  shackles  on  the  brain.  No 
god  is  entitled  to  the  worship  or  the  respect  of  man 
who  does  not  give,  even  to  the  meanest  of  his 
children,  every  right  that  he  claims  for  himself. 

41.    Say  What  You  Think. 

I  do  not  believe  that  the  tendency  is  to  make  men 
and  women  brave  and  glorious  when  you  tell  them 
that  there  are  certain  ideas  upon  certain  subjects 
that  they  must  never  express;  that  they  must  go 
through  life  with  a  pretense  as  a  shield;  that  their 
neighbors  will  think  much  more  of  them  if  they 
will  only  keep  still;  'and  that  above  all  is  a  God 
who  despises  one  who  honestly  expresses  what  he 
believes.  For  my  part,  I  believe  men  will  be  nearer 
honest  in  business,  in  politics,  grander  in  art — in 
everything  that  is  good  and  grand  and  beautiful,  if 
they  are  taught  from  the  cradle  to  the  coffin  to  tell 
their  honest  opinions. 


36  INGERSOLLIA. 

42.    I  Want  to  Put  Out  the  Fires  of  Hell. 

Some  people  tell  me  that  I  take  away  the  hope  of 
immortality.  I  do  not.  I  leave  heaven  as  it  was!  I 
want  to  put  out  the  fires  of  hell.  I  want  to  transfer 
the  war  from  this  earth  to  heaven.  Some  tell  me 
Jehovah  is  God,  and  another  says  Ali .  is  God,  and 
another  that  Brahma  is  God.  I  say,  let  Jehovah, 
and  Ali,  and  Brahma  fight  it  out.  Let  them  fight  it 
out  there,  and  whoever  is  victor,  to  that  God  I  will 
bow. 

43.    The  Puritans. 

When  the  Puritans  first  came  they  were  narrow. 
They  did  not  understand  what  liberty  meant — what 
religious  liberty,  what  political  liberty,  was;  but 
they  found  out  in  a  few  years.  There  was  one  feel- 
ing among  them  that  rises  to  their  eternal  honor 
like  a  white  shaft  to  the  clouds — they  were  in  favor 
of  universal  education.  Wherever  they  went  they 
built  school  houses,  introduced  books,  and  ideas  of 
literature.  They  believed  that  every  man  should 
know  how  to  read  and  how  to  write,  and  should  find 
out  all  that  his  capacity  allowed  him  to  comprehend. 
That  is  the  glory  of  the  Puritan  fathers. 
44.  A  Star  in  the  Sky  of  Despair. 

Every  Christian,  every  philanthropist,  every  be- 
liever in  human  liberty,  should  feel  under  obliga- 
tion to  Thomas  Paine  for  the  splendid  service  ren- 
dered by  him  in  the  darkest  days  of  the  American 


INGERSOLLIA.  37 

Revolution.  In  the  midnight  of  Valley  Forge,  "  The 
Crisis  "  was  the  first  star  that  glittered  in  the  wide 
horizon  of  despair.  Every  good  man  should  remem- 
ber with  gratitude  the  brave  words  spoken  by 
Thomas  Paine  in  the  French  Convention  against  the 
death  of  Louis.  He  said  :  "We  will  kill  the  king, 
but  not  the  man.  We  will  destroy  monarchy,  not 
monarch." 

45.    Do  not  Shock  the  Heathen! 

You  send  missionaries  to  Turkey,  and  tell  them 
that  the  Koran  is  a  lie.  You  shock  them.  You  tell 
them  that  Mahomet  was  ,not  a  prophet.  You  shock 
them.  It  is  too  bad  to  shock  them.  You  go  to  India, 
and  you  tell  them  that  Vishnu  was  nothing,  that 
Purana  was  nothing,  that  Buddha  was  nobody,  and 
your  Brahma,  he  is  nothing.  Why  do  you  shock 
these  people?  You  should  not  do  that;  you  ought 
not  to  hurt  their  feelings.  I  tell  you  no  man  on 
earth  has  a  right  to  be  shocked  at  the  expression  of 
an  honest  opinion  when  it  is  kindly  done,  and  I 
don't  believe  there  is  any  God  in  the  universe  who 
has  put  a  curtain  over  the  fact  and  made  it  a  crime 
for  the  honest  hand  of  investigation  to  endeavor  to 
draw  that  curtain. 

46.    I  will  Settle  with  God  Mysel£ 
They  say  to  me,  "  God  will  punish  you  forever,  if 
you  do  these  things."    Very  well.     I  will  settle  with 
him.     I  had  rather  settle  with  him  than  any  one  of 


38  INGERSOLLIA. 

his  agents.  I  do  not  like  them  very  well.  In  the- 
ology I  am  a  granger — I  do  not  believe  in  middle- 
men. What  little  business  I  have  with  Heaven  I 
will  attend  to  myself. 

47.    I  Claim  my  Right  to  Guess. 

I  claim,  standing  under  the  flag  of  nature,  under 
the  blue  and  the  stars,  that  I  am  the  peer  of  any 
other  man,  and  have  the  right  to  think  and  express 
my  thoughts.  I  claim  that  in  the  presence  of  the 
Unknown,  and  upon  a  subject  that  nobody  knows 
anything  about,  and  never  did,  I  have  as  good  a 
right  to  guess  as  anybody  else. 

48.    The  Brain  a  Castle. 

Surely  it  is  worth  something  to  feel  that  there  are 
no  priests,  no  popes,  no  parties,  no  governments,  no 
kings,  no  gods,  to  whom  your  intellect  can  be  com- 
pelled to  pay  reluctant  homage.  Surely  it  is  a  joy 
to  know  that  all  the  cruel  ingenuity  of  bigotry  can 
devise  no  prison,  no  dungeon,  no  cell  in  which  for 
one  instant  to  confine  a  thought ;  that  ideas  cannot 
be  dislocated  by  racks,  nor  crushed  in  iron  boots, 
nor  burned  with  fire.  Surely  it  is  sublime  to  think 
that  the  brain  is  a  castle,  and  that  within  its  curious 
bastions  and  winding  halls  the  soul,  in  spite  of  all 
words  and  all  beings,  is  the  supreme  sovereign  of 

itself. 

49.    I  am  Something. 

The  universe  is  all  there  is,  or  was,  or  will  be.     It 


1NGERSOLLIA.  39 

is  both  subject  and  object ;  contemplator  and  con- 
templated ;  creator  and  created ;  destroyer  and  de- 
stroyed ;  preserver  and  preserved;  and  hath  within 
itself  all  causes,  modes,  motions,  and  effects.  In 
this  there  is  hope.  This  is  a  foundation  and  a  star. 
The  infinite  embraces  all  there  is.  Without  the  all, 
the  infinite  cannot  be.  I  am  something.  Without 
me  the  universe  cannot  exist. 

50.    Every  Man  a  Right  to  Think. 

Now  we  have  come  to  the  conclusion  that  every 
man  has  a  right  to  think.  Would  God  give  a  bird 
wings  and  make  it  a  crime  to  fly?  Would  he  give 
me  brains  and  make  it  a  crime  to  think?  Any  God 
that  would  damn  one  of  his  children  for  the  expres- 
sion of  his  honest  thought  wouldn't  make  a  decent 
thief.  When  I  read  a  book  and  don't  believe  it,  I 
ought  to  say  so.  I  will  do  so  and  take  the  conse- 
quence like  a  man. 

51.    Too  Early  to  Write  a  Creed. 

These  are  the  excuses  I  have  for  my  race,  and 
taking  everything  into  consideration,  I  think  we 
have  done  extremely  well.  Let  us  have  more  liberty 
and  free  thought.  Free  thought  will  give  us  truth. 
It  is  too  early  in  the  history  of  the  world  to  write  a 
creed.  Our  fathers  were  intellectual  slaves ;  our 
fathers  were  intellectual  serfs.  There  never  has  been 
a  free  generation  on  the  globe.  Every  creed  you  have 
got  bears  the  mark  of  whip,  and  chain,  and  fagot. 


40 

There  has  been  no  creed  written  by  a  free  brain. 
Wait  until  we  have  had  two  or  three  generations  of 
liberty  and  it  will  then  be  time  enough  to  seize  the 
swift  horse  of  progress  by  the  bridle  and  say — thus 
far  and  no  farther;  and  in  the  meantime  let  us  be 
kind  to  each  other;  let  us  be  decent  towards  each 
other.  We  are  all  travelers  on  the  great  plain  we 
call  life,  and  there  is  nobody  quite  sure  what  road  to 
take — not  just  dead  sure,  you  know.  There  are  lots  of 
guide-boards  on  the  plain  and  you  find  thousands  of 
people  swearing  to-day  that  their  guide-board  is  the 
only  board  that  shows  the  right  direction.  I  go  and 
talk  to  them  and  they  say:  "  You  go  that  way,  or 
you  will  be  damned."  .1  go  to  another  and  they  say: 
"  You  go  this  way,  or  you  will  be  damned." 
52.  Every  Mind  True  to  Itself. 

In  my  judgment,  every  human  being  should  take 
a  road  of  his  own.  Every  mind  should  be  true  to 
itself — should  think,  investigate  and  conclude  for 
itself.  This  is  a  duty  alike  incumbent  upon  pauper 
and  prince. 


PROGRESS. 


B3.    The  Torch  of  Progress. 

In  every  age  some  men  carried  the  torch  of  pro- 
gress and  handed  it  to  some  other,  and  it  has  been 
carried  through  all  the  dark  ages  of  barbarism,  and 
had  it  not  been  for  such  men  we  would  have  been 
naked  and  uncivilized  to-night,  with  pictures  of  wild 
beasts  tattooed  on  our  skins,  dancing  around  some 
dried  snake  fetish. 

54.    Gold  makes  a  Barren  Landscape. 

Only  a  few  days  ago  I  was  where  they  wrench  the 
precious  metals  from  the  miserly  clutch  of  the  rocks. 
When  I  saw  the  mountains;  treeless,  shrubless. 
flowerless,  without  even  a  spire  of  grass,  it  seemed 
to  me  that  gold  had  the  same  effect  upon  the  country 
that  holds  it,  as  upon  the  man  who  lives  and  labors 
only  for  it.  It  affects  the  land  as  it  does  the  man. 
It  leaves  the  heart  barren  without  a  flower  of  kind- 
ness— without  a  blossom  of  pity. 

(41) 


42  INGERSOLLIA. 

55.    A  Grand  Achievement. 

There  is  nothing  grander  than  to  rescue  from  the 
leprosy  of  slander  the  reputation  of  a  great  and  gen- 
erous name.  There  is  nothing  nobler  than  to  benefit 
our  benefactors. 

56.    The  Divorce  of  Church  and  State. 

The  Constitution  of  the  United  States  was  the  first 
decree  entered  in  the  high  court  of  a  nation,  forever 
divorcing  Church  and  State. 

57.    Professors. 

Instead  of  dismissing  professors  for  finding  some- 
thing out,  let  us  rather  discharge  those  who  do  not. 
Let  each  teacher  understand  that  investigation  is  not 
dangerous  for  him;  that  his  bread  is  safe,  no  matter 
how  much  truth  he  may  discover,  and  that  his  salary 
will  not  be  reduced,  simply  because  he  finds  that  the 
ancient  Jews  did  not  know  the  entire  history  of  the 
world. 

58.    Develop  ernent. 

I  thought  after  all  I  had  rather  belong  to  a  race  of 
people  that  came  from  skulless  vertebrae  in  the  dim 
Laurentian  period,  that  wiggled  without  knowing 
they  were  wiggling,  that  began  to  develope  and  came 
up  by  a  gradual  developement  until  they  struck  this 
gentleman  in  the  dugout  coming  up  slowly — up — up 
—up — until,  for  instance,  they  produced  such  a  man 
as  Shakespeare — he  who  harvested  all  the  fields  of 
dramatic  thought,  and  after  whom  all  others  have 


INGERSOLLIA.  43 

been  only  gleaners  of  straw,  he  who  found  the  human 
intellect  dwelling  in  a  hut,  touched  it  with  the  wand 
of  his  genius  and  it  became  a  palace — producing  him 
and  hundreds  of  others  I  might  mention — with  the 
angels  of  progress  leaning  over  the  far  horizon 
beckoning  this  race  of  work  and  thought — I  had 
rather  belong  to  a  race  commencing  at  the  skullless 
vertebrae  producing  the  gentleman  in  the  dugout 
and  so  on  up,  than  to  have  descended  from  a  perfect 
pair,  upon  which  the  Lord  has  lost  money  from  that 
day  to  this.  I  had  rather  belong  to  a  race  that  is 
going  up  than  to  one  that  is  going  down.  I 
would  rather  belong  to  one  that  commenced  at  the 
skulless  vertebrae  and  started  for  perfection,  than  to 
belong  to  one  that  started  from  perfection  and  start- 
ed tor  the  skulless  vertebrae. 

59.        Poet's  Dream. 

When  every  church  becomes  a  school,  every 
cathedral  a  university,  every  clergyman  a  teacher, 
and  all  their  hearers  brave  and  honest  thinkers,  then, 
and  not  until  then,  will  the  dream  of  poet,  patriot, 
philanthropist  and  philosopher,  become  a  real  and 
blessed  truth. 

60.    The  Temple  of  the  Future. 

We  are  laying  the  foundations  of  the  grand  temple 
of  the  future — not  the  temple  of  all  the  gods,  but  of 
all  the  people — wherein,  with  appropriate  rites,  will 
be  celebrated  the  religion  of  Humanity.  We  are 


44  INGERSOLLIA. 

doing  what  little  we  can  to  hasten  the  coming  of  the 
day  when  society  shall  cease  producing  millionaires 
and  mendicants — gorged  indolence  and  famished 
industry — truth  in  rags,  and  superstition  robed  and 
crowned.  We  are  looking  for  the  time  when  the 
useful  shall  be  the  honorable;  and  when  REASON, 
throned  upon  the  world's  brain,  shall  be  the  King  of 
Kings,  and  God  of  Gods. 

61.    The  final  Goal. 

We  do  not  expect  to  accomplish  everything  in  our 
day  ;  but  we  want  to  do  what  good  we  can,  and  to 
render  all  the  service  possible  in  the  holy  cause  of 
human  progress.  We  know  that  doing  away  with 
gods  and  supernatural  persons  and  powers  is  not  an 
end.  It  is  a  means  to  the  end  ;  the  real  end  being 
the  happiness  of  man. 

62.    The  Eighteenth  Century. 

At  that  time  the  seeds  sown  by  the  great  Infidels 
were  beginning  to  bear  fruit  in  France.  The  people 
were  beginning  to  think.  The  Eighteenth  Century 
was  crowning  its  gray  hairs  with  the  wreath  of  Pro- 
gress. On  every  hand  Science  was 'bearing  testi- 
mony against  the  Church.  Voltaire  had  filled  Eu- 
rope with  light ;  D'Holbach  was  giving  to  the  elite 
of  Paris  the  principles  contained  in  his  "  System  of 
Nature."  The  Encyclopedists  had  attacked  super- 
stition with  information  for  the  masses.  The  foun- 
dation of  things  began  to  be  examined.  A  few  had 


1NGERSOLL1A.  45 

the  courage  to  keep  their  shoes  on  and  let  the  bush 
burn. '  Miracles  began  to  get  scarce.  Everywhere 
the  people  began  to  inquire.  America  had  set  an 
example  to  the  world.  The  word  Liberty  was  in  the 
mouths  of  men,  and  they  began  to  wipe  the  dust  from 
their  knees.  The  dawn  of  a  new  day  had  appeared. 


POLITICAL  QUESTIONS. 


63.    Liberty — Fraternity— Equality! 

All  who  stand  beneath  our  banner  are  free.  Ours 
is  the  only  flag  that  has  in  reality  written  upon  it: 
Liberty,  Fraternity,  Equality — the  three  grandest 
words  in  all  the  languages  of  men.  Liberty:  Give 
to  every  man  the  fruit  of  his  own  labor — the  labor 
of  his  hand  and  of  his  brain.  Fraternity:  Every 
man  in  the  right  is  my  brother.  Equality:  The 
rights  of  all  are  equal.  No  race,  no  color,  no  pre- 
vious condition,  can  change  the  rights  of  men.  The 
Declaration  of  Independence  has  at  last  been  carried 
out  in  letter  and  in  spirit.  To-day  the  black  man 
looks  upon  his  child  arjd  says:  The  avenues  of  dis- 
tinction are  open  to  you — upon  your  brow  may  fall 
the  civic  wreath.  We  are  celebrating  the  courage 
and  wisdom  of  our  fathers,  and  the  glad  shout  of  a 
free  people,  the  anthem  of  a  grand  nation,  com- 
mencing at  the  Atlantic,  is  following  the  sun  to  the 
Pacific,  across  a  continent  of  happy  homes. 


INGERSOLLIA.  47 

64.    Liberty! 

Is  it  nothing  to  free  the  mind?  Is  it  nothing  to 
civilize  mankind?  Is  it  nothing  to  fill  the  world 
with  light,  with  discovery,  with  science?  Is  it  noth- 
ing to  dignify  man  and  exalt  the  intellect?  Is  it 
nothing  to  grope  your  way  into  the  dreary  prisons, 
the  damp  and  dropping  dungeons,  the  dark  and 
silent  cells  of  superstition,  where  the  souls  of  men 
are  chained  to  floors  of  stone?  Is  it  nothing  to  con- 
duct these  souls  gradually  into  the  blessed  light  of 
day, — to  let  them  see  again  the  happy  fields,  the 
sweet,  green  earth,  and  hear  the  everlasting  music 
of  the  waves?  Is  it  nothing  to  make  men  wipe  the 
dust  from  their  swollen  knees,  the  tears  from  their 
blanched  and  furrowed  cheeks?  Is  it  nothing  to  re- 
lieve the  heavens  of  an  insatiate  monster,  and  write 
upon  the  eternal  dome,  glittering  with  stars,  the 
grand  word — Liberty? 

65.    Ingersoll  Not  a  Politician. 

I  want  it  perfectly  understood  that  I  am  not  a 
politician.  I  believe  in  liberty,  and  I  want  to  see 
the  time  when  every  man,  woman  and  child  will 
enjoy  every  human  right. 

66.    Civilization. 

Civilization  is  the  child  of  free  thought.  The  new 
world  has  drifted  away  from  the  rotten  wharf  of  su- 
perstition. The  politics  of  this  country  are  being 
settled  by  the  new  ideas  of  individual  liberty,  and 


48  INGERSOLLIA. 

parties  and  churches  that  cannot  accept  the  new 
truths  must  perish. 

67.    Cornell  University. 

With  the  single  exception  of  Cornell,  there  is  not 
a  college  in  the  United  States  where  truth  has  ever 
been  a  welcome  guest.  The  moment  one  of  the 
teachers  denies  the  inspiration  of  the  Bible,  he  is 
discharged.  If  he  discovers  a  fact  inconsistent  with 
that  book,  so  much  the  worse  for  the  fact,  and  es- 
pecially for  the  discoverer  of  the  fact.  He  must  not 
corrupt  the  minds  of  his  pupils  with  demonstrations. 
He  must  beware  of  every  truth  that  cannot,  in  some 
way,  be  made  to  harmonize  with  the  superstitions  of 
the  Jews.  Science  has  nothing  in  common  with 
religion. 

68.  Church  and  School  Divorced. 

Our  country  will  never  be  filled  with  great  insti- 
tutions of  learning  until  there  is  an  absolute  divorce 
between  church  and  school.  As  long  as  the  muti- 
lated records  of  a  barbarous  people  are  placed  by 
priest  and  professor  above  the  reason  of  mankind, 
we  shall  reap  but  little  benefit  from  church  or  school. 

69.  Laws  That  Want  Repealing. 

All  laws  defining  and  punishing  blasphemy — mak- 
ing it  a  crime  to  give  your  honest  ideas  about  the 
Bible,  or  to  laugh  at  the  ignorance  of  the  ancient 
Jews,  or  to  enjoy  yourself  on  the  Sabbath,  or  to  give 
your  opinion  of  Jehovah,  were  passed  by  impudent 


INGERSOLLIA.  49 

bigots,  and  should  be  at  once  repealed  by  honest 
men. 

70.    Government  Secular. 

Our  government  should  be  entirely  and  purely 
secular.  The  religious  views  of  a  candidate  should 
be  kept  entirely  out  of  sight.  He  should  not  be  com- 
pelled to  give  his  opinion  as  to  the  inspiration  of  the 
bible,  the  propriety  of  infant  baptism,  or  the  immac- 
ulate conception.  All  these  things  are  private  and 
personal.  He  should  be  allowed  to  settle  such  things 
for  himself. 

71.    1876! 

In  1876,  our  forefathers  retired  God  from  politics. 
They  said  all  power  comes  from  the  people.  They 
kept  God  out  of  the  Constitution,  and  allowed  each 
State  to  settle  the  question  for  itself. 

72.    Candidates  Made  Hypocrites. 

Candidates  are  forced  to  pretend  that  they  are 
Catholics  with  Protestant  proclivities,  or  Christians 
with  liberal  tendencies,  or  temperance  men  who  now 
and  then  take  a  glass  of  wine,  or,  that  although  not 
members  of  any  church  their  wives  are,  and  that 
they  subscribe  liberally  to  all.  The  result  of  all  this 
is  "that  we  reward  hypocrisy  and  elect  men  entirely 
destitute  of  real  principle ;  and  this  will  never 
change  until  the  people  become  grand  enough  to 
allow  each  other  to  do  their  own  thinking. 


50  INGERSOLLIA. 

73.    The  Church  and  the  Throne. 

So  our  fathers  said :  "  We  shall  form  a  secular 
government,  and  under  the  flag  with  which  we  are 
going  to  enrich  the  air>  we  will  allow  every  man  to 
worship  God  as  he  thinks  best."  They  said  :  "  Re- 
ligion is  an  individual  thing  between  each  man  and 
his  Creator,  and  he  can  worship  as  he  pleases  and  as 
he  desires."  And  why  did  they  do  this  ?  The  his- 
tory of  the  world  warned  them  that  the  liberty  of 
man  was  not  safe  in  the  clutch  and  grasp  of  any 
church.  They  had  read  of  and  seen  the  thumb- 
screws, the  racks  and  the  dungeons  of  the  inquisi- 
tion. They  knew  all  about  the  hypocrisy  of  the 
olden  time.  They  knew  that  the  church  had  stood 
side  by  side  with  the  throne  ;  that  the  high  priests 
were  hypocrites,  and  that  the  kings  were  robbers. 
They  also  knew  that  if  they  gave  to  any  church 
power,  it  would  corrupt  the  best  church  in  the  world. 
And  so  they  said  that  power  must  not  reside  in  a 
church,  nor  in  a  sect,  but  power  must  be  wherever 
humanity  is — in  the  great  body  of  the  people.  And 
the  officers  and  servants  of  the  people  must  be  re- 
sponsible. And  so  I  say  again,  as  I  said  in  the 
commencement,  this  is  the  wisest,  the  profoundest, 
the  bravest  political  document  that  ever  was  written 
and^signed  by  man. 

74.    The  Old  Idea. 
What  was  the  old  idea  ?  The  old  idea  was  that  no 


CHARLES  FOURIER. 


INGERSOLLIA.  51 

political  power  came  from,  nor  in  any  manner  be- 
longed to,  the  people.  The  old  idea  was  that  the 
political  power  came  from  the  clouds  ;  that  the  po- 
litical power  came  in  somejtniraculous  way  from 
heaven ;  that  it  came  down  to  kings,  and  queens, 
and  robbers.  That  was  the  old  idea.  The  nobles 
lived  upon  the  labor  of  the  people ;  the  people  had 
no  rights ;  the  nobles  stole  what  jthey  had  and  di- 
vided with  the  kings,  and  the  kings  pretended  to 
divide  what  they  stole  with  God  Almighty.  The 
source,  then,  of  political  power  was  from  above. 
The  people  were  responsible  to  the  nobles,  the  nobles 
to  the  king,  and  the  people  had  no  political  rights 
whatever,  no  more  than  the  wild  beasts  of  the  for- 
est. The  kings  were  responsible  to  God,  not  to  the 
people.  The  kings  were  responsible  to  the  clouds, 
not  to  the  toiling  millions  they  robbed  and  plund- 
ered. 

75.    Liberty  for  Politicians. 

I  would  like  also  to  liberate  the  politician.  At 
present,  the  successful  office-seeker  is  a  good  deal 
like  the  centre  of  the  earth  ;  he  weighs  nothing  him- 
self, but  draws  everything  else  to  him.  There  are 
so  many  societies,  so  many  churches,  so  many  isms, 
that  it  is  almost  impossible  for  an  independent  man 
to  succeed  in  a  political  career. 

76.    Tax  all  Church  Property. 
I  am  in  favor  of  the  taxation  of  all  church  proper- 


52  INGERSOLLIA. 

ty.  If  that  property  belongs  to  God,  he  is  able  to 
pay  the  tax.  If  we  exempt  anything;  let  us  exempt 
the  home  of  the  widow  and  orphan.  The  church 
has  to-day  $600,000,000  or  $700,000,000  of  property  in 
this  country.  It  must  cost  $2,000,000  a  week,  that  is 
to  say  $500  a  minute  to  run  these  churches.  You 
give  me  this  money  and  if  I  don't  do  more  good  with 
it  than  four  times  as  many  churches  I'll  resign.  Let 
them  make  the  churches  attractive  and  they'll  get 
more  hearers.  They  will  have  less  empty  pews  if 
they  have  less  empty  heads  in  the  pulpit.  The  time 
will  come  when  the  preacher  will  become  a  teacher. 

77.    The  Source  of  Power. 

The  Declaration  of  Independence  announces  the 
sublime  truth,  that  all  power  comes  from  the  people. 
This  was  a  denial,  and  the  first  denial  of  a  nation,  of 
the  infamous  dogma  that  God  confers  the  right  upon 
one  man  to  govern  others.  It  was  the  first  grand 
assertion  of  the  dignity  of  the  human  race.  It  de- 
clared the  governed  to  be  the  source  of  power,  and 
in  fact  denied  the  authority  of  any  and  all  gods. 
78.  The  Best  Blood  of  the  Old  Word  come  to  the  New. 

The  kings  of  the  old  world  endeavored  to  parcel 
out  this  land  to  their  favorites.  But  there  were  too 
many  Indians.  There  was  too  much  courage  re- 
quired for  them  to  take  and  keep  it,  and  so  men  had 
to  come  here  who  were  dissatisfied  with  the  old 
country — who  were  dissatisfied  with  England,  dis- 


INGERSOLLIA.  53 

satisfied  with  France,  with  Germany,  with  Ireland 
and  Holland.  The  king's  favorites  stayed  at  home. 
Men  came  here  for  liberty,  and  on  account  of  cer- 
tain principles  they  entertained  and  held  dearer 
than  life.  And  they  were  willing  to  work,  willing 
to  fell  the  forests,  to  fight  the  savages,  willing  to  go 
through  all  the  hardships,  perils  and  dangers  of  a 
new  country,  of  a  new  land;  and  the  consequences 
was  that  our  country  was  settled  by  brave  and  ad- 
venturous spirits,  by  men  who  had  opinions  of  their 
own,  and  were  willing  to  live  in  the  wild  forests  for 
the  sake  of  expressing  those  opinions,  even  if  they 
expressed  them  only  to  trees,  rocks,  and  savage  men. 
The  best  blood  of  the  old  world  came  to  the  new. 

79.    No  State  Church. 

Happily  for  us,  there  was  no  church  strong  enough 
to  dictate  to  the  rest.  Fortunately  for  us,  the  colo- 
nists not  only,  but  the  colonies  differed  widely  in 
their  religious  views.  There  were  the  Puritans  who 
hated  the  Episcopalians,  and  Episcopalians  who 
hated  the  Catholics,  and  the  Catholics  who  hated 
both,  while  the  Quakers  held  them  all  in  contempt. 
There  they  were,  of  every  sort,  and  color,  and  kind, 
and  how  was  it  that  they  came  together?  They 
had  a  common  aspiration.  They  wanted  to  form  a 
new  nation.  More  than  that,  most  of  them  cordially 
hated  Great  Britain;  and  they  pledged  each  other  to 
forget  these  religious  prejudices,  for  a  time  at  least, 


54  INGERSOLLIA, 

and  agreed  that  there  should  be  only  one  religion 
until  they  got  through,  and  that  was  the  religion  of 
patriotism.  They  solemnly  agreed  that  the  new 
nation  should  not  belong  to  any  particular  church, 
but  that  it  should  secure  the  rights  of  all. 

80.    The  Enthusiasts  of  1776. 

These  grand  men  were  enthusiasts;  and  the 
world  has  only  been  raised  by  enthusiasts.  In  every 
country  there  have  been  a  few  who  have  given  a 
national  aspiration  to  the  people.  The  enthusiasts 
of  1776  were  the  builders  and  framers  of  this  great 
and  splendid  government;  and  they  were  the  men 
who  saw,  although  others  did  not,  the  golden  fringe 
of  the  mantle  of  glory,  that  will  finally  cover  this 
world.  They  knew,  they  felt,  they  believed  they 
would  give  a  new  constellation  to  the  political  heav- 
ens— that  they  would  make  the  Americans  a  grand 
people  —  grand  as  the  continent  upon  which  they 

lived. 

81      The  Church  Must  Have  no  Sword. 

Our  fathers  founded  the  first  secular  government 
that  was  ever  founded  in  this  world.  Recollect 
that.  The  first  secular  government;  the  first  gov- 
ernment that  said  every  church  has  exactly  the  same 
rights  and  no  more.  In  other  words  our  fathers 
were  the  first  men  who  had  the  sense,  had  the  ge- 
nius, to  know  that  no  church  should  be  allowed  to 
have  a  sword;  that  it  should  be  allowed  only  to  exert 
its  moral  influence. 


INGERSOLLIA.  65 

82.    We  are  All  of  Us  Kings  ! 

I  want  the  power  where  some  one  can  use  it.  As 
long  as  a  man  is  responsible  to  the  people  there  is  no 
fear  of  despotism.  There's  no  reigning  family  in 
this  country.  We  are*  all  of  us  Kings.  We  are  the 
reigning  family.  And  when  any  man  talks  about 
despotism,  you  may  be  sure  he  wants  to  steal  or  be 
up  to  devilment.  If  we  have  any  sense,  we  have 
got  to  have  localization  of  brain.  If  we  have  any 
power,  we  must  have  centralization.  We  want  cen- 
tralization of  the  right  kind.  The  man  we  choose 
for  our  head  wants  the  army  in  one  hand,  the  navy 
in  the  other;  and  to  execute  the  supreme  will  of  the 
supreme  people. 

83.    Honesty  Tells  ! 

'  In  the  long  run  the  nation  that  is  honest,  the  peo- 
ple that  are  industrious,  will  pass  the  people  that 
are  dishonest,  the  people  that  are  idle;  no  matter 
what  grand  ancestry  they  might  have  had. 

84.    Working  for  Others. 

To  work  for  others  is,  in  reality,  the  only  way  in 
which  a  man  can  work  for  himself.  Selfishness  is 
ignorance.  Speculators  cannot  make  unless  some- 
body loses.  In  the  realm  of  speculation,  every  suc- 
cess has  at  least  one  victim.  The  harvest  reaped  by 
the  farmer  benefits  all  and  injures  none.  For  him 
to  succeed,  it  is  not  necessary  that  some  one  should 
fail.  The  same  is  true  of  all  producers — of  all 
laborers, 


56  INGERSOLLIA. 

85.    State  Sovereignty. 

I  despise  the  doctrine  of  State  sovereignty.  I  be- 
lieve in  the  rights  of  the  States,  but  not  in  the 
sovereignty  of  the  States.  States  are  political  con 
veniences.  Rising  above  States  as  the  Alps  above 
valleys  are  the  rights  of  man.  Rising  above  the 
rights  of  the  government  even  in  this  Nation  are  the 
sublime  rights  of  the  people.  Governments  are  good 
only  so  long  as  they  protect  human  rights.  But  the 
rights  of  a  man  never  should  be  sacrificed  upon  the 
altar  of  the  State  or  upon  the  altar  of  the  Nation. 

86.    The  King  of  America. 

I  am  not  only  in  favor  of  free  speech,  but  I  am 
also  in  favor  of  an  absolutely  honest  ballot.  There 
is  one  king  in  this  country;  there  is  one  emperor; 
there  is  one  supreme  czar;  and  that  is  the  legally  ex- 
pressed will  of  the  majority  of  the  people.  The  man 
who  casts  an  illegal  vote,  the  man  who  refuses  to 
count  a  legal  vote,  poisons  the  fountain  of  power, 
poisons  the  spring  of  justice,  and  is  a  traitor  to  the 
only  king  in  this  land.  I  have  always  said,  and  I 
say  again,  that  the  more  liberty  there  is  given  away 
the  more  you  have.  There  is  room  in  this  world  for 
us  all;  there  is  room  enough  for  all  of  our  thoughts; 
out  upon  the  intellectual  sea  there  is  room  for  every 
sail,  and  in  the  intellectual  air  there  is  space  for 
every  wing.  A  man  that  exercises  a  right  that  he 
will  not  give  to  others  is  a  barbarian.  A  State  that 


INGERSOLLIA.  57 

does  not  allow  free  speech  is  uncivilized,  and  is  a 
disgrace  to  the  American  Union. 

87.    Years  "Without  Seeing  a  Dollar! 

I  have  been  told  that  during  the  war  we  had 
plenty  of  money.  I  never  saw  it.  I  lived  years 
without  seeing  a  dollar.  I  saw  promises  for  dollars, 
but  not  dollars.  And  the  greenback,  unless  you 
have  the  gold  behind  it,  is  no  more  a  dollar  than  a 
bill  of  fare  is  a  dinner.  You  cannot  make  a  paper 
dollar  without  taking  a  dollar's  worth  of  paper.  We 
must  have  paper  that  represents  money.  I  want  it 
issued  by  the  government,  and  I  want  behind  every 
one  of  these  dollars  either  a  gold  or  silver  dollar,  so 
that  every  greenback  under  the  flag  can  lift  up  its 
hand  and  swear,  "I  kno w  that  my  redeemer liveth." 

88.    The  Wail  of  Dead  Nations 

A  government  founded  upon  anything  except 
liberty  and  justice  cannot  and  ought  not  to  stand. 
All  the  wrecks  on  either  side  of  the  stream  of  time, 
all  the  wrecks  of  the  great  cities,  and  all  the  nations 
that  have  passed  away — all  are  a  warning  that  no 
nation  founded  upon  injustice  can  stand.  From  the 
sand-enshrouded  Egypt,  from  the  marble  wilderness 
of  Athens,  and  from  every  fallen,  crumbling  stone 
of  the  once  mighty  Rome,  comes  a  wail,  as  it  were, 
the  cry  that  no  nation  founded  upon  injustice  can 
permanently  stand. 


58  ItfGERSOLLIA. 

89.    What  the  Republican  Party  Did. 

I  am  a  Republican.  I  will  tell  you  why:  This  is 
the  only  free  government  in  the  world.  The  Re- 
publican party  made  it  so.  The  Republican  party 
took  the  chains  from  4,000,000  of  people.  The  Re- 
publican party,  with  the  wand  of  progress,  touched 
the  auction-block  and  it  became  a  school-house.  The 
Republican  party  put  down  the  rebellion,  saved  the 
nation,  kept  the  old  banner  afloat  in  the  air,  and  de- 
clared that  slavery  of  every  kind  should  be  exter- 
pated  from  the  face  of  the  continent. 

90.     Doings  of  Democrats. 

I  am  opposed  to  the  Democratic  party,  and  I  will 
tell  you  why.  Every  State  that  seceeded  from  the 
United  States  was  a  Democratic  State.  Every  ordi- 
nance of  secession  that  was  drawn  was  drawn  by  a 
Democrat.  Every  man  that  endeavored  to  tear  the 
old  flag  from  the  heaven  that  it  enriches  was  a 
Democrat.  Every  man  that  tried  to  destroy  the 
nation  was  a  Democrat.  Every  enemy  this  great 
republic  has  had  for  twenty  years  has  been  a  Demo- 
crat. Every  man  that  shot  Union  soldiers  was  a 
Democrat.  Every  man  that  starved  Union  soldiers 
and  refused  them  in  the  extremity  of  death,  a  crust, 
was  a  ^Democrat.  Every  man  that  loved  slavery 
better  than  liberty  was  a  Democrat.  The  man  that 
assassinated  Abraham  Lincoln  was  a  Democrat. 
Every  man  that  sympathized  with  the  assassin — 


INGERSOLLIA.  59 

every  man  glad  that  the   noblest  President  ever 
elected  was  assassinated,  was  a  Democrat. 
91.    Photograph  of  a  Democrat. 

Every  man  that  wanted  the  privilege  of  whipping 
another  man  to  make  him  work  for  him  for  nothing 
and  pay  him  with  lashes  on  his  naked  back,  was  a 
Democrat.  Every  man  that  raised  blood-hounds  to 
pursue  human  beings  was  a  Democrat.  Every  man 
that  clutched  from  shrieking,  shuddering,  crouch- 
ing mothers,  babes  from  their  breasts,  and  sold  them 
into  slavery,  was  a  Democrat.  Every  man  that  im- 
paired the  credit  of  the  United  States,  every  man 
that  swore  we  would  never  pay  the  bonds,  every 
man  that  swore  we  would  never  redeem  the  green- 
backs, every  maligner  of  his  country's  credit,  every 
calumniator  of  his  country's  honor,  was  a  Demo- 
crat. Every  man  that  resisted  the  draft,  every  man 
that  hid  in  the  bushes  and  shot  at  Union  men  simply 
because  they  were  endeavoring  to  enforce  the  laws 
of  their  country,  was  a  Democrat.  Every  man  that 
wept  over  the  corpse  of  slavery  was  a  Democrat. 

92.  I  am  a  Republican,  I  Tell  You! 
The  flag  that  will  not  protect  its  protectors  is  a 
dirty  rag  that  contaminates  the  air  in  which  it 
waves.  The  government  that  will  not  defend  its 
defenders  is  a  disgrace  to  the  nations  of  the  world. 
I  am  a  Republican  because  the  Republican  party 
says,  "We  will  protect  the  rights  of  American  citi- 


60  INGERSOLLIA. 

zens  at  home,  and  if  necessary  we  will  march  an 
army  into  any  State  to  protect  the  rights  of  the 
humblest  American  citizen  in  that  State."  I  am  a 
Republican  because  that  party  allows  me  to  be  free 
— allows  me  to  do  my  own  thinking  in  my  own  way. 
I  am  a  Republican  because  it  is  a  party  grand 
enough  and  splendid  enough  and  sublime  enough  to 
invite  every  human  being  in  favor  of  liberty  and 
progress  to  fight  shoulder  to  shoulder  for  the  ad- 
vancement of  mankind.  It  invites  the  Methodist ;  it 
invites  the  Catholic;  it  invites  the  Presbyterian  and 
every  kind  of  sectarian;  it  invites  the  free-thinker; 
it  invites  the  infidel,  provided  he  is  in  favor  of  giv- 
ing to  every  other  human  being  every  chance  and 
every  right  that  he  claims  for  himself.  I  am  a  Re- 
publican, I  tell  you. 

93.    Recollect! 

Recollect  it!  Every  man  that  tried  to  spread  small- 
pox and  yellow  fever  in  the  North,  as  the  instru- 
mentalities of  civilized  war,  was  a  Democrat.  Sol- 
diers, every  scar  you  have  got  on  your  heroic  bodies 
was  given  you  by  a  Democrat.  Every  scar,  every 
arm  that  is  lacking,  every  limb  that  is  gone,  every 
scar  is  a  souvenir  of  a  Democrat.  I  want  you  to 
recollect  it.  Every  man  that  was  the  enemy  of  hu- 
man liberty  in  this  country  was  a  Democrat.  Every 
man  that  wanted  the  fruit  of  all  the  heroism  of  all 
the  ages  to  turn  to  ashes  upon  the  lips — every  one 
was  a  Democrat. 


1NGERSOLL1A.  61 

94.    Give  Every  Man  a  Chance. 

Now,  my  friends,  thousands  of  the  Southern  peo- 
ple, and  thousands  of  the  Northern  Democrats,  are 
afraid  that  the  negroes  are  going  to  pass  them  in 
the  race  for  life.  And,  Mr.  Democrat,  he  will  do  it 
unless  you  attend  to  your  business.  The  simple  fact 
that  you  are  white  cannot  save  you  always.  You 
have  got  to  be  industrious,  honest,  to  cultivate  a 
justice.  If  you  don't  the  colored  race  will  pass  you, 
as  sure  as  you  live.  I  am  for  giving  every  man  a 
chance.  Anybody  that  can  pass  me  is  welcome. 

95.    Who  Shall  Rule  the  Country? 

Shall  the  people  that  saved  this  country  rule  it? 
Shall  the  men  who  saved  the  old  flag  hold  it?  Shall 
the  men  who  saved  the  ship  of  state  sail  it?  or  shall 
the  rebels  walk  her  quarter-deck,  give  the  orders 
and  sink  it?  That  is  the  question.  Shall  a  solid 
South,  a  united  South,  united  by  assassination  and 
murder,  a  South  solidified  by  the  shot-gun;  shall  a 
united  South,  with  the  aid  of  a  divided  North,  shall 
they  control  this  great  and  splendid  country?  Well, 
then,  the  North  must  wake  up.  We  are  right  back 
where  we  were  in  1861.  This  is  simply  a  prolonga- 
tion of  the  war.  This  is  the  war  of  the  idea,  the 
other  was  the  war  of  the  musket.  The  other  was 
the  war  of  cannon,  this  is  the  war  of  thought,  and 
we  have  got  to  beat  them  in  this  war  of  thought, 
recollect  that.  The  question  is,  Shall  the  men  who 


62  INGERSOLL1A. 

endeavored  to  destroy  this  country  rule  it?  Shall 
the  men  that  said,  This  is  not  a  nation,  have  charge 
of  the  nation? 

96.  The  Declaration  of  Independence. 
The  Declaration  of  Independence  is  the  grandest, 
the  bravest,  and  the  profoundest  political  document 
that  was  ever  signed  by  the  representatives  of  the 
people.  It  is  the  embodiment  of  physical  and  moral 
courage  and  of  political  wisdom.  I  say  physical 
courage,  because  it  was  a  declaration  of  war  against 
the  most  powerful  nation  then  on  the  globe;  a  decla- 
ration of  war  by  thirteen  weak,  unorganized  colo- 
nies; a  declaration  of  war  by  a  few  people,  without 
military  stores,  without  wealth,  without  strength, 
against  the  most  powerful  kingdom  on  the  earth;  a 
declaration  of  war  made  when  the  British  navy,  at 
that  day  the  mistress  of  every  sea,  was  hovering 
along  the  coast  of  America,  looking  after  defense- 
less towns  and  villages  to  ravage  and  destroy.  It 
was  made  when  thousands  of  English  soldiers  were 
upon  our  soil,  and  when  the  principal  cities  of 
America  were  in  the  substantial  possession  of  the 
enemy.  And  so,  I  say,  all  things  considered,  it  was 
the  bravest  political  document  ever  signed  by  man. 

97.    The  World  Grows  Brighter. 

I  have  a  dream  that  this  world  is  growing  better 
and  better  every  day  and  every  year;  that  there  is 
more  charity,  more  justice,  more  love  every  day.  I 


INGERSOLLIA.  63 

have  a  dream  that  prisons  will  not  always  curse  the 
earth;  that  the  shadow  of  the  gallows  will  not 
always  fall  on  the  land;  that  the  withered  hand  of 
want  will  not  always  be  stretched  out  for  charity; 
that  finally  wisdom  will  sit  in  the  legislature,  jus- 
tice in  the  courts,  charity  will  occupy  all  the  pulpits, 
and  that  finally  the  world  will  be  controlled  by  lib- 
erty and  love,  by  justice  and  charity.  That  is  my 
dream,  and  if  it  does  not  come  true,  it  shall  not  be 
my  fault. 

98.  The  Column  of  July. 

I  stood,  a  little  while  ago,  in  the  city  o'f  Paris, 
where  stood  the  Bastile,  where  now  stands  the  col- 
umn of  July,  surmounted  by  the  figure  of  Liberty. 
In  its  right  hand  is  a  broken  chain,  in  its  left  hand 
a  hammer;  upon  its  shining  forehead  a  glittering 
star — and  as  I  looked  upon  it  I  said,  such  is  the 
Republican  party  of  my  country. 

99.  A  Nation  of  Rascals. 

Samuel  J.  Tilden  says  we  are  a  nation  of  thieves 
and  rascals.  If  that  is  so  he  ought  to  be  President. 
But  I  denounce  him  as  a  calumniator  of  my  coun- 
try; a  maligner  of  this  nation.  It  is  not  so.  This 
country  is  covered  with  asylums  for  the  aged,  the 
helpless,  the  insane,  the  orphan,  the  wounded  sol- 
diers. Thieves  and  rascals  don't  build  such  things. 
In  the  cities  of  the  Atlantic  coast  this  summer,  they 
built  floating  hospitals,  great  ships,  and  took  the 


64  INGERSOLLIA. 

little  children  from  the  sub-cellars  and  narrow,  dirty 
streets  of  New  York  city,  where  the  Democratic 
party  is  the  strongest — took  these  poor  waifs  and 
put  them  in  these  great  hospitals  out  at  sea,  and  let 
the  breezes  of  ocean  kiss  the  rose  of  health  back  to 
their  pallid  cheeks.  Rascals  and  thieves  do  not  do 
so.  When  Chicago  burned,  railroads  were  blocked 
with  the  charity  of  the  American  people.  Thieves 
and  rascals  did  not  do  so. 

100.    We  are  a  Great  People. 

We  are  a  great  people.  Three  millions  have  in- 
creased'to  fifty — thirteen  states  to  thirty-eight.  We 
have  better  homes,  and  more  of  the  conveniences  of 
life  than  any  other  people  upon  the  face  of  the  globe. 
The  farmers  of  our  country  live  better  than  did  the 
kings  and  princes  two  hundred  years  ago — and  they 
have  twice  as  much  sense  and  heart.  Liberty  and 
labor  have  given  us  all.  Remember  that  all  men 
have  equal  rights.  Remember  that  the  man  who 
acts  best  his  part — who  loves  his  friends  the  best — 
is  most  willing  to  help  others — truest  to  the  obliga- 
tion— who  has  the  best  heart — the  most  feeling — the 
deepest  sympathies — and  who  freely  gives  to  others 
the  rights  that  he  claims  for  himself,  is  the  best 
man.  We  have  disfranchised  the  aristocrats  of  the 
air,  and  have  given  one  country  to  mankind. 

101.    Mule  Equality. 

Suppose-  there  was  a  great  horse-race  here  to-day, 


INGERSOLLIA.  65 

free  to  every  horse  in  the  world,  and  to  all  the  mules, 
and  all  the  scrubs,  and  all  the  donkeys.  At  the  tap 
of  the  drum  they  come  to  the  line,  and  the  judges  say 
"  it  is  a  go."  Let  me  ask  you,  what  does  the  blood- 
ed horse,  rushing  ahead,  with  nostrils  distended, 
drinking  in  the  breath  of  his  own  swiftness,  with  his 
mane  flying  like  a  banner  of  victory,  with  his  veins 
standing  out  all  over  him,  as  if  a  net  of  life  had  been 
cast  around  him  —  with  his  thin  neck,  his  high 
withers,  his  tremulous  flanks — what  does  he  care  how 
many  mules  and  donkeys  run  on  the  track?  But  the 
Democratic  scrub,  with  his  chuckle-head  and  lop- 
ears,  with  his  tail  full  of  cockle-burs,  jumping  high 
and  short,  and  digging  in  the  ground  when  he  feels 
the  breath  of  the  coming  mule  on  his  cockle-bur  tail, 
he  is  the  chap  that  jumps  the  track  and  says,  "  I  am 
down  on  mule  equality."  My  friends,  the  Republi- 
can party  is  the  blooded  horse  in  this  race. 

102.    Boom  for  Eveiy  Wing. 

There  is  room  in  the  Republican  air  for  every  wing; 
there  is  room  on  the  Republican  sea  for  every  sail. 
Republicanism  says  to  every  man:  "  Let  your  soul 
be  like  an  eagle;  fly  out  in  the  great  dome  of  thought, 
and  question  the  stars  for  yourself." 

103.    The  Republican  Platform. 

I  am  a  Republican  because  it  is  the  only  free  party 
that  ever  existed.  It  is  a  party  that  had  a  platform 
as  broad  as  humanity,  a  platform  as  broad  as  the 


66  INGERSOLLIA. 

human  race,  a  party  that  says  you  shall  have  all  the 
fruit  of  the  labor  of  your  hands,  a  party  that  says  you 
may  think  for  yourself ;  a  party  that  says  no  chains 
for  the  hands,  no  fetters  for  the  soul. 

104.    Our  Government  the  best  on  Earth. 

We  all  want  a  good  government.  If  we  do  not  we 
should  have  none.  We  all  want  to  live  in  a  land 
where  the  law  is  supreme.  We  desire  to  live  beneath 
a  flag  that  will  protect  every  citizen  beneath  its  folds. 
We  desire  to  be  citizens  of  a  government  so  great 
and  so  grand  that  it  will  command  the  respect  of  the 
civilized  world.  Most  of  us  are  convinced  that  our 
government  is  the  best  upon  this  earth. 

105.    Will  the  Second  Century  of  America  be  as  good  as  the 

First  ? 

Standing  here  amid  the  sacred  memories  of  the 
first,  on  the  golden  threshold  of  the  second,  I  ask, 
Will  the  second  century  be  as  good  as  the  first  ?  I 
believe  it  will  because  we  are  growing  more  and 
more  humane;  I  believe  there  is  more  human  kind- 
ness and  a  greater  desire  to  help  one  another  in 
America,  than  in  all  the  world  besides.  We  must 
progress.  We  are  just  at  the  commencement  of  in- 
vention. The  steam  engine — the  telegraph — these 
are  but  the  toys  with  which  science  has  been  amus- 
ing herself.  There  will  be  grander  things.  There 
will  be  higher  and  wider  culture.  A  grander  stand- 
ard of  character,  of  literature  and  art.  We  have 


INGERSOLLIA.  67 

now  half  as  many  millions  of  people  as  we  have 
years.  We  are  getting  more  real  solid  sense.  We 
are  writing  and  reading  more  books.  We  are  strug- 
gling more  and  more  to  get  at  the  philosophy  of  life 
—trying  more  and  more  to  answer  the  questions  of 
the  eternal  Sphinx.  We  are  looking  in  every  direc- 
tion. We  are  investigating,  thinking,  working! 
The  second  century  will  be  grander  than  the  first. 


SGIEME. 


106.    The  Glory  of  Science. 

Science  found  agriculture  plowing  with  a  stick — 
reaping  with  a  sickle — commerce  at  the  mercy  of 
the  treacherous  waves  and  the.  inconstant  winds — a 
world  without  books — without  schools — man  deny- 
ing the  authority  of  reason,  employing  his  ingenuity 
in  the  manufacture  of  instruments  of  torture,  in 
building  inquisitions  and  cathedrals.  It  found  the 
land  filled  with  malicious  monks— with  persecuting 
Protestants,  and  the  burners  of  men.  The  glory  of 
science  is,  that  it  is  freeing  the  soul — breaking  the 
mental  manacles — getting  the  brain  out  of  bondage 
— giving  courage  to  thought — filling  the  world  with 
mercy,  justice,  and  joy. 

107.    The  Tables  Turned. 

For  the  establishment  of  facts,  the  word  of  man  is 
now  considered  far  better  than  the  word  of  God.  In 
the  world  of  science,  Jehovah  was  superseded  by 
Copernicus,  Galileo,  and  Kepler.  All  that  God  told 

(68) 


INGERSOLLIA.  69 

Moses,  admitting  the  entire  account  to  be  true,  is 
dust  and  ashes  compared  to  the  discoveries  of  Des 
Cartes,  La  Place,  and  Humboldt.  In  matters  of 
fact,  the  Bible  has  ceased  to  be  regarded  as  a  stand- 
ard. Science  has  succeeded  in  breaking  the  chains 
of  theology.  A  few  years  ago,  science  endeavored 
to  show  that  it  was  not  inconsistent  with  the  Bible. 
The  tables  have  been  turned,  and  now,  religion  is 
endeavoring  to  prove  that  the  Bible  is  not  inconsist- 
ent with  science.  The  standard  has  been  changed. 
108.  Science  Better  than  a  Creed. 

It  seems  to  me  that  a  belief  in  the  great  truths  of 
science  are  fully  as  essential  to  salvation,  as  the 
creed  of  any  church.  We  are  taught  that  a  man 
may  be  perfectly  acceptable  to  God  even  if  he  denies 
the  rotundity  of  the  earth,  the  Copernican  system, 
the  three  laws  of  Kepler,  the  indestructibility  of 
matter  and  the  attraction  of  gravitation.  And  we 
are  also  taught  that  a  man  may  be  right  upon  all 
these  questions,  and  yet,  for  failing  to  believe  in 
the  "  scheme  of  salvation,"  be  eternally  lost. 
109.  The  Religion  of  Science. 

Every  assertion  of  individual  independence  has 
been  a  step  toward  infidelity.  Luther  started  to- 
ward Humboldt, — Wesley,  toward  John  Stuart  Mill. 
To  really  reform  the  church  is  to  destroy  it.  Every 
new  religion  has  a  little  less  superstition  than  the 
old,  so  that  the  religion  of  science  is  but  a  question 
of  time, 


70  INGERSOLLIA. 

110.    Science  not  Sectarian. 

The  sciences  are  not  sectarian.  People  do  not 
persecute  each  other  on.  account  of  disagreements 
in  mathematics.  Families  are  not  divided  about 
botany,  and  astronomy  does  not  even  tend  to  make 
a  man  hate  his  father  and  mother.  It  is  what  peo- 
ple do  not  know,  that  they  persecute  each  other 
about.  Science  will  bring,  not  a  sword,  but  peace. 
111.  The  Epitaph  of  all  Religions. 

Science  has  written  over  the  high  altar  its  MENE, 
MENE,  TEKEL,  UPHARSIN — the  old  words,  destined  to 
be  the  epitaph  of  all  religions? 

112.  The  Heal  Priest. 

When  we  abandon  the  doctrine  that  some  infinite 
being  created  matter  and  force,  and  enacted  a  code 
of  laws  for  their  government,  the  idea  of  interfer- 
ence will  be  lost.  The  real  priest  will  then  be,  not 
the  mouth-piece  of  some  pretended  deity,  but  the 
interpreter  of  nature.  From  that  moment  the  church 
ceases  to  exist.  The  tapers  will  die  out  upon  the 
dusty  altar  ;  the  moths  will  eat  the  fading  velvet  of 
pulpit  and  pew ;  the  Bible  will  take  its  place  with 
the  Shastras,  Puranas,  Vedas,  Eddas,  Sagas  and 
Korans,  and  the  fetters  of  a  degrading  faith  will 
fall  from  the  minds  of  men. 

113.  Science  is  Power. 

From  a  philosophical  point  of  view,  science  is 
knowledge  of  the  laws  of  life ;  of  the  conditions  of 


INGERSOLLIA.  71 

happiness ;  of  the  facts  by  which  we  are  surrounded, 
and  the  relations  we  sustain  to  men  and  things — by 
means  of  which,  man,  so  to  speak,  subjugates  na- 
ture and  bends  the  elemental  powers  to  his  will, 
making  blind  force  the  servant  of  his  brain. 

114.    Science  Supreme. 

The  element  of  uncertainty  will,  in  a  great  measure, 
be  removed  from  the  domain  of  the  future,  and  man, 
gathering  courage  from  a  succession  of  victories  over 
the  obstructions  of  nature,  will  attain  a  serene 
grandeur  unknown  to  the  disciples  of  any  supersti- 
tion. The  plans  of  mankind  will  no  longer  be  inter- 
fered with  by  the  finger  of  a  supposed  omnipotence, 
and  no  one  will  believe  that  nations  or  individuals 
are  protected  or  destroyed  by  any  deity  whatever. 
Science,  freed  from  the  chains  of  pious  custom  and 
evangelical  prejudice,  will,  within  her  sphere,  be 
supreme.  The  mind  will  investigate  without  rever- 
ence, and  publish  its  conclusions  without  fear. 
Agassiz  will  no  longer  hesitate  to  declare  the  Mosaic 
cosmogony  utterly  inconsistent  with  the  demonstra- 
ted truths  of  geology,  and  will  cease  pretending  any 
reverence  for  the  Jewish  scriptures.  The  moment 
science  succeeds  in  rendering  the  church  powerless 
for  evil,  the  real  thinkers  will  be  outspoken.  The 
little  flags  of  truce  carried  by  timid  philosophers  will 
disappear,  and  the  cowardly  parley  will  give  place 
to  victory — lasting  and  universal. 


72  1NGERSOLL1A 

115.    Scien-p  Opening  the  Gates  of  Thought. 

We  are  not  endeavoring  to  chain  the  future,  but  to 
free  the  present.  We  are  not  forging  fetters  for  our 
children,  but  we  are  breaking  those  our  fathers  made 
for  us.  We  are  the  advocates  of  inquiry,  of  investi- 
gation and  thought.  This  of  itself,  is  an  admission 
that  we  are  not  perfectly  satisfied  with  all  our  con- 
clusions. Philosophy  has  not  the  egotism  of  faith. 
While  superstition  builds  walls  and  creates  obstruc- 
tions, science  opens  all  the  highways  of  thought. 
116.  Stars  and  Grains  of  Sand. 

We  do  not  say  that  we  have  discovered  all ;  that 
our  doctrines  are  the  all  in  all  of  truth.  We  know 
of  no  end  to  the  development  of  man.  We  cannot 
unravel  the  infinite  complications  of  matter  and 
force.  The  history  of  one  monad  is  as  unknown  as 
that  of  the  universe ;  one  drop  of  water  is  as 
wonderful  as  all  the  seas;  one  leaf,  as  all  the  forests; 
and  one  grain  of  sand,  as  all  the  stars. 
117.  The  Trinity  of  Science. 

Reason,  Observation  and  Experience — the  Holy 
Trinity  of  Science — have  taught  us  that  happiness  is 
the  only  good  ;  that  the  time  to  be  happy  is  now,  and 
the  way  to  be  happy  is  to  make  others  so.  This  is 
enough  for  us.  In  this  belief  we  are  content  to  live 
and  die.  If  by  any  possibility  the  existence  of  a 
power  superior  to,  and  independent  of,  nature  shall 
be  demonstrated,  there  will  then  be  time  enough  to 


kneel.    Until   then,  let  us  all  stand  nobly  erect. 

1 18.    The  Old  and  the  New. 

Old  ideas  perished  in  the  retort  of  the  chemist,  and 
useful  truths  took  their  places.  One  by  one  religious 
conceptions  have  been  placed  in  the  crucible  of 
science,  and  thus  far,  nothing  but  dross  has  been 
found.  A  new  world  has  been  discovered  by  the 
microscope  ;  everywhere  has  been  found  the  infinite; 
in  every  direction  man  has  investigated  and  explored, 
and  nowhere,  in  earth  or  stars,  has  been  found  the 
footstep  of  any  being  superior  to  or  independent  of 
nature.  Nowhere  has  been  discovered  the  slightest 
evidence  of  any  interference  from  without. 
119.  The  Triumphs  of  Science. 

I  do  not  know  what  inventions  are  in  the  brain  of 
the  future;  I  do  not  know  what  garments  of  glory 
may  be  woven  for  the  world  in  the  loom  of  years  to 
be;  we  are  just  on  the  edge  of  the  great  ocean  of 
discovery.  I  do  not  know  what  is  to  be  discovered; 
I  do  not  know  what  science  will  do  for  us.  I  do 
know  that  science  did  just  take  a  handful  of  sand 
and  make  the  telescope,  and  with  it  read  all  the 
starry  leaves  of  heaven;  I  know  that  science  took 
the  thunderbolts  from  the  hands  of  Jupiter,  and 
now  the  electric  spark,  freighted  with  thought  and 
love,  flashes  under  the  waves  of  the  sea;  I  know 
that  science  stole  a  tear  from  the  cheek  of  unpaid 
labor,  converted  it  into  steam,  and  created  a  giant 


74  INGERSOLLIA. 

that  turns  with  tireless  arms  the  countless,  wheels 
of  toil;  I  know  that  science  broke  the  chains  from 
human  limbs  and  gave  us  instead  the  forces  of 
nature  for  our  slaves;  I  know  that  we  have  made 
the  attraction  of  gravitation  work  for  us;  we  have 
made  the  lightnings  our  messengers;  we  have  taken 
advantage  of  fire  and  flames  and  wind  and  sea; 
these  slaves  have  no  backs  to  be  whipped;  they 
have  no  hearts  to  be  lacerated;  they  have  no  chil- 
dren to  be  stolen,  no  cradles  to  be  violated.  I  know 
that  science  has  given  us  better  houses;  I  know  it 
has  given  us  better  pictures  and  better  books;  I 
know  it  has  given  us  better  wives  and  better  hus- 
bands, and  more  beautiful  children.  I  know  it  has 
enriched  a  thousand-fold  our  life;  and  therefore  I 
am  in  favor  of  perfect  intellectual  liberty, 

120.    What  Science  Found! 

It  found  the  world  at  the  mercy  of  disease  and 
famine;  men  trying  to  read  their  fates  in  the  stars, 
and  to  tell  their  fortunes  by  signs  and  wonders;  gen- 
erals thinking  to  conquer  their  enemies  by  making 
the  sign  of  the  cross,  or  by  telling  a  rosary.  It 
found  all  history  full  of  petty  and  ridiculous  false- 
hood, and  the  Almighty  was  supposed  to  spend  most 
of  his  time  turning  sticks  into  snakes,  drowning 
boys  for  swimming  on  Sunday,  and  killing  little 
children  for  the  purpose  of  converting  their  parents. 
It  found  the  earth  filled  with  slaves  and  tyrants,  the 


INGERSOLLIA.  75 

people  in  all  countries  downtrodden,  half  naked, 
half  starved,  without  hope,  and  without  reason  in 
the  world. 

121.    Science  the  only  Lever. 

Such  was  the  condition  of  man  when  the  morning 
of  science  dawned  upon  his  brain,  and  before  he 
had  heard  the  sublime  declaration  that  the  universe 
is  governed  by  law.  For  the  change  that  has  taken 
place  we  are  indebted  solely  to  science — the  only 
lever  capable  of  raising  mankind.  Abject  faith  is 
barbarism;  reason  is  civilization.  To  obey  is  slavish; 
to  act  from  a  sense  of  obligation  perceived  by  the 
reason,  is  noble.  Ignorance  worships  mystery; 
Reason  explains  it:  the  one  grovels,  the  other  soars. 


SLAVERY. 


122.    The  Colonel  Short  of  Words  ! ! ! 

I  have  sometimes  wished  that  there  were  words  of 
pure  hatred  out  of  which  I  might  construct  sentences 
like  snakes,  out  of  which  I  might  construct  sentences 
with  mouths  f anged,  that  had  forked  tongues,  out  of 
which  I  might  construct  sentences  that  writhed  and 
and  hissed  ;  then  I  could  give  my  opinion  of  the 
rebels  during  the  great  struggle  for  the  preservation 
of  this  nation. 

123.    Slavery  in  the   Name  of  Religion. 

Just  think  of  it !  Our  churches  and  best  people, 
as  they  call  themselves,  defending  the  institution  of 
slavery.  When  I  was  a  little  boy  I  used  to  see 
steamers  go  down  the  Mississippi  river  with  hun- 
dreds of  men  and  women  chained  hand  to  hand, 
and  even  children,  and  men  standing  about  them 
with  whips  in  their  hands  and  pistols  in  their  pock- 
ets in  the  name  of  liberty,  in  the  name  of  civiliza- 
tion and  in  the  name  of  religion!  I  used  to  hear 

(76) 


tNOERSOLLlA.  W 

them  preach  to  these  slaves  in  the  South  and  the 
only  text  they  ever  took  was  "  Servants  be  obedient 
unto  your  masters."  That  was  the  salutation  of  the 
most  merciful  God  to  a  man  whose  back  was  bleed- 
ing that  was  the  salutation  of  the  most  merciful  God 
to  the  slave-mother  bending  over  an  empty  cradle,  to 
the  woman  from  whose  breast  a  child  had  been 
stolen — "  Servants  be  obedient  unto  your  masters." 
That  was  what  they  said  to  a  man  running  for  his 
life  and  for  his  liberty  through  tangled  swamps  and 
listening  to  the  baying  of  blood-hounds,  and  when 
he  listened  for  them  the  voice  came  from  heaven: — 
"  Servants  be  obedient  unto  your  masters."  That  is 
civilization.  Think  what  slaves  we  have  been  ! 
Think  how  we  have  crouched  and  cringed  before 
wealth  even  !  How  they  used  to  cringe  in  old  times 
before  a  man  who  was  rich — there  are  so  many  of 
them  gone  into  bankruptcy  lately  that  we  are  losing 
a  little  of  our  fear. 

124.  The  Patrons  of  Slavery. 

It  is  not  possible  for  the  human  imagination  to 
conceive  of  the  horrors  of  slavery.  It  has  left  no 
possible  wrong  uncommitted,  no  possible  crime  un- 
perpetrated.  It  has  been  practiced  and  defended  by 
all  nations  in  some  form.  It  has  been  upheld  by  all 
religions.  It  has  Tbeen  defended*  jby  nearly  every 
pulpit.  From  the  profits  derived  from  the  slave 
trade,  churches  have  been  built,  cathedrals  reared 


78  INGERSOLLIA. 

and  priests  paid.  Slavery  has  been  blessed  by  bishop, 
by  cardinal  and  by  pope.  It  has  received  the  sanc- 
tion of  statesmen,  of  kings,  of  queens.  Monarchs 
have  shared  in  the  profits.  Clergymen  have  taken 
their  part  of  the  spoil,  reciting  passages  of  scripture 
in  its  defense,  and  judges  have  taken  their  portion 
in  the  name  of  equity  and  law. 

125.    A  Colored  Man  in  Congress. 

The  world  has  changed  !  I  have  had  the  supreme 
pleasure  of  seeing  a  man — once  a  slave — sitting  in 
the  seat  of  his  former  master  in  the  Congress  of  the 
United  States.  When  I  saw  that  sight,  my  eyes 
were  filled  with  tears.  I  felt  that  we  had  carried 
out  the  Declaration  of  Independence,  that  we  had 
given  reality  to  it,  and  breathed  the  breath  of  life 
into  every  word.  I  felt  that  our  flag  would  float 
over  and  protect  the  colored  man  and  his  little  chil- 
dren— standing  straight  in  the  sun — just  the  same  as 
though  he  were  white  and  worth  a  million  ! 

126.    The  Zig-zag  Strip. 

I  have  some  excuses  to  offer  for  the  race  to  which 
I  belong.  My  first  excuse  is  that  this  is  not  a  very 
good  world  to  raise  folks  in  anyway.  It  is  not  very 
well  adapted  to  raising  magnificent  people.  There's 
only  a  quarter  of  it  land  to  start  with.  It  is  three 
times  better  for  raising  fish  than  folks;  and  in  that 
one-quarter  of  land  there  is  not  a  tenth  part  fit  to 
raise  people  on.  You  can't  raise  people  without  a 


INGERSOLLIA.  79 

good  climate.  You  have  got  to  have  the  right  kind 
of  climate,  and  you  have  got  to  have  certain  ele- 
ments in  the  soil  or  you  can't  raise  good  people.  Do 
you  know  that  there  is  only  a  little  zig-zag  strip 
around  the  world  within  which  have  been  produced 
all  men  of  genius? 

127.    Black  People  have  Suffered  Enough. 

In  my  judgment  the  black  people  have  suffered 
enough.  They  have  been  slaves  for  two  hundred 
years.  They  have  been  owned  two  hundred  years, 
and,  more  than  all,  they  have  been  compelled  to 
keep  the  company  of  those  who  owned  them.  Think 
of  being  compelled  to  keep  the  society  of  the  man 
who  is  stealing  from  you.  Think  of  being  compelled 
to  live  with  a  man  that  stole  your  child  from  the 
cradle  before  your  very  eyes.  Think  of  being  com- 
pelled to  live  with  a  thief  all  your  life,  to  spend  your 
days  with  a  white  loafer,  and  to  be  under  his  con- 
trol. 

128.    The  History  of  Civilization. 

The  history  of  civilization  is  the  history  of  the 
slow  and  painful  enfranchisement  of  the  human 
race.  In  the  olden  times  the  family  was  a  mon- 
archy, the  father  being  the  monarch.  The  mother 
and  children  were  the  veriest  slaves.  The  will  of 
the  father  was  the  supreme  law.  He  had  the  power 
of  life  and  death.  It  took  thousands  of  years  to 
civilize  this  father,  thousands  of  years  to  make  the 


80  INGERSOLLIA. 

condition  of  the  wife  and  mother  and  children  even 
tolerable.  A  few  families  constituted  a  tribe;  the 
tribe  had  a  chief;  the  chief  was  a  tyrant;  a  few 
tribes  formed  a  nation;  the  nation  was  governed  by 
a  king,  who  was  also  a  tyrant.  A  strong  nation 
robbed,  plundered  and  took  captive  the  weaker  ones. 
129.  Does  God  Uphold  Slavery? 

Is  there,  in  the  civilized  world,  to-day,  a  clergy- 
man who  believes  in  the  divinity  of  slavery?  Does 
the  Bible  teach  man  to  enslave  his  brother?  If  it 
does,  is  it  not  blasphemous  to  say  that  it  is  inspired 
of  God?  If  you  find  the  institution  of  slavery  up- 
held in  a  book  said  to  have  been  written  by  God, 
what  would  you  expect  to  find  in  a  book  inspired  by 
the  devil?  Would  you  expect  to  find  that  book  in 
favor  of  liberty?  Modern  Christians,  ashamed  of 
the  God  of  the  Old  Testament,  endeavor  now  to 
show  that  slavery  was  neither  commanded  nor  op- 
posed by  Jehovah. 

130.    Solemn  Defiance.  ' 

For  my  part,  I  never  will,  I  never  can,  worship  a 
God  who  upholds  kthe  ^institution  of  slavery.  Such 
a  God  I  hate  and  defy.  I  neither  want  his  heaven, 
nor  fear  his  hell. 


THE  WAR. 


131.    The  Soldiers  of  the  Republic. 

The  soldiers  of  the  Republic  were  not  seekers  after 
vulgar  glory.  They  were  not  animated  by  the  hope 
of  plunder  or  the  love  of  conquest.  They  fought  to 
preserve  the  blessings  of  liberty  and  that  their  chil- 
dren might  have  peace.  They  were  the  defenders  of 
humanity,  the  destroyers  of  prejudice,  the  breakers 
of  chains,  and  in  the  name  of  the  future  they  slew 
the  monster  of  their  time. 

132.    Honor  to  the  Brave ! 

All  honor  to  the  Brave  !  They  blotted  from  the 
statute  books  laws  that  had  been  passed  by  hypo- 
crites at  the  instigation  of  robbers,  and  tore  with  in- 
dignant hands  from  the  Constitution  that  infamous 
clause  that  made  men  the  catchers  of  their  fellow 
men.  They  made  it  possible  for  judges  to  be  just, 
for  statesmen  to  be  human,  and  for  politicians  to  be 
honest.  They  broke  the  shackles  from  the  limbs  of 

(81) 


INGERSOLLIA. 

slaves,  from  the  souls  of  martyrs,  and  from  the 
Northern  brain.  They  kept  our  country  on  the  map 
of  the  world  and  our  flag  in  heaven. 

133     What  Were  We  Fighting  For? 

Seven  long  years  of  war — fighting  for  what?  For 
the  principle  that  all  men  were  created  equal — a 
truth  that  nobody  ever  disputed  except  a  scoundrel; 
nobody  in  the  entire  history  of  this  world.  No  man 
ever  denied  that  truth  who  was  not  a  rascal,  and  at 
heart  a  thief;  never,  never,  and  never  will.  What 
else  were  they  fighting  for?  Simply  that  in  America 
every  man  should  have  a  right  to  life,  liberty  and 
the  pursuit  of  happiness.  Nobody  ever  denied  that 
except  a  villiaii;  never,  never.  It  has  been  denied 
by  kings — they  were  thieves.  It  has  been  denied  by 
statesmen — they  were  liars.  It  has  been  denied  by 
priests,  by  clergymen,  by  cardinals,  by  bishops  and 
by  popes — they  were  hypocrites.  What  else  were 
they  fighting  for?  For  the  idea  that  all  political 
power  is  vested  in  the  great  body  of  the  people. 
They  make  all  the  money;  do  all  the  work.  They 
plow  the  land;  cut  down  the  forests;  they  produce 
everything  that  is  produced.  Then  who  shall  say 
what  shall  be  done  with  what  is  produced  except 
the  producer? 

134     The  Revolution  Consummated. 

The  soldiers  of  the  Republic  finished  what  the 
soldiers  of  the  Revolution  commenced.  They  re- 


HERBERT  SPENCER. 


INGERSOLLIA.  So 

lighted  the  torch  that  fell  from  their  august  hands 
and  filled  the  world  again  with  light. 

135.  Fighting  Done  !  — Work  Begun  ! 

The  soldiers  went  home  to  their  waiting  wives,  to 
their  glad  children,  and  to  the  girls  they  loved — they 
went  back  to  the  fields,  the  shops  and  mines.  They 
had  not  been  demoralized.  They  had  been  ennobled. 
They  were  as  honest  in  peace  as  they  had  been 
brave  in  war.  Mocking  at  poverty,  laughing  at  re- 
verses, they  made  a  friend  of  toil.  They  said:  "We 
saved  the  nation's  life,  and  what  is  life  without 
honor?"  They  worked  and  wrought  with  all  of 
labor's  sons,  that  every  pledge  the  nation  gave 
should  be  redeemed.  And  their  great  leader,  having 
put  a  shining  hand  of  friendship — a  girdle  of  clasped 
and  happy  hands — around  the  globe,  comes  home 
and  finds  that  every  promise  made  in  war  *has  now 
the  ring  and  gleam  of  gold. 

136.  Manhood  worth  more  than  Gold. 

We  say  in  this  country  manhood  is  worth  more 
than  gold.  We  say  in  this  country  that  without 
liberty  the  Nation  is  not  worth  preserving.  I  ap- 
peal to  every  laboring  man/and  I  ask  him,  "Is  there 
another  country  on  this  globe  where  you  can  have 
your  equal  rights  with  others?"  Now,  then,  in  every 
country,  no  matter  how  good  it  is,  and  no  matter 
how  bad  it  is — in  every  country  there  is  something 
worth  preserving,  and  there  is  something  that  ought 


84  INGERSOLLIA. 

to  be  destroyed.  Now  recollect  that  every  voter  is 
in  his  own  right  a  king;  every  voter  in  this  country 
wears  a  crown;  every  voter  in  this  country  has  in 
his  hands  the  scepter  of  authority;  and  every  voter, 
poor  and  rich,  wears  the  purple  of  authority  alike. 
Recollect  it;  and  the  man  that  will  sell  his  vote  is 
the  man  that  abdicates  the  American  throne. 
137.  Grander  than  Greek  or  Roman. 

Grander  than  the  Greek,  nobler  than  the  Roman, 
the  soldiers  of  the  republic,  with  patriotism  as  taint- 
less as  the  air,  battled  for  the  rights  of  others;  for 
the  nobility  of  labor;  fought  that  mothers  might 
own  their  babes;  that  arrogant  idleness  should  not 
scar  the  back  of  patient  toil,  and  that  our  country 
should  not  be  a  many-headed  monster  made  of  war- 
ring States,  but  a  Nation,  sovereign,  great  and  free. 
Blood  was  water;  money,  leaves,  and  life  was  com- 
mon air  until  one  flag  floated  over  a  republic  with- 
out a  master  and  without  a  slave. 

138.    Let  us  Drink  to  the  Living  and  the  Dead. 

The  soldiers  of  the  Union  saved  the  South  as  well 
as  the  North.  They  made  us  a  Nation.  Their  victory 
made  us  free  and  rendered  tyranny  in  every  other 
land  as  insecure  as  snow  upon  volcano  lips.  And 
now  let  us  drink  to  the  volunteers,  to  those  who 
sleep  in  unknown,  sunken  graves,  whose  names  are 
only  in  the  hearts  of  those  they  loved  and  left — of 
those  who  only  hear  in  happy  dreams  the  footsteps 


INGERSOLLIA.  85 

of  return.  Let  us  drink  to  those  who  died  where 
lipless  famine  mocked  at  want — to  all  the  maimed 
whose  scars  give  modesty  a  tongue,  to  all  who 
dared  and  gave  to  chance  the  care  and  keeping  of 
their  lives — to  all  the  living  and  all  the  dead — to 
Sherman,  to  Sheridan  and  to  Grant,  the  foremost 
soldiers  of  the  world;  and  last,  to  Lincoln,  whose 
loving  life,  like  a  bow  of  peace,  spans  and  arches 
all  the  clouds  of  war." 

139.    Will  the  Wounds  of  the  War  be  Healed? 

There  is  still  another  question:  "Will  all  the 
wounds  of  the  war  be  healed  ?  "  I  answer,  Yes.  The 
Southern  people  must  submit,  not  to  the  dictation  of 
the  North,  but  to  the  nation's  will  and  to  the  verdict 
of  mankind.  They  were  wrong,  and  the  time  will 
come  when  they  will  say  that  they  have  been  van- 
quished by  the  right.  Freedom  conquered  them, 
and  freedom  will  cultivate  their  fields,  educate  their 
children,  weave  for  them  the  robes  of  wealth,  exe- 
cute their  laws,  and  fill  [their  land  with  happy 
homes. 

140.    Saviours  of  the  Nation. 

They  rolled  the  stone  from  the  sepulchre  of  pro- 
gress, and  found  therein  two  angels  clad  in  shining 
garments  —  nationality  and  liberty.  The  soldiers 
were  the  Saviours  of  the  Nation.  They  were  the 
liberators  of  ir^n.  In  writing  the  proclamation  of 
emancipation,  Lincoln,  greatest  of  our  mighty  dead, 


86  INGERSOLLIA. 

whose  memory  is  as  gentle  as  the  summer  air, — when 
reapers  sing  'mid  gathered  sheaves, — copied  with 
the  pen  what  Grant  and  his  brave  comrades  wrote 
with  swords. 

141.    General  Grant. 

When  the  savagery  of  the  lash,  the  barbarism  of 
the  chain, and  the  insanity  of  secession  confronted  the 
civilization  of  our  century,  the  question,  '•'  Will  the 
great  republic  defend  itself?"  trembled  on  the  lips  of 
every  lover  of  mankind.  The  North,  filled  with  in- 
telligence and  wealth,  products  of  liberty,  marshalled 
her  hosts  and  asked  only  for  a  leader.  From  civil 
life  a  man,  silent,  thoughtful,  poised,  and  calm; 
stepped  forth,  and  with  the  lips  of  victory  voiced  the 
nation's  first  and  last  demand:  "  Unconditional  and 
immediate  surrender."  From  that  moment  the  end 
was  known.  That  utterance  was  the  real  declaration 
of  real  war  and  in  accordance  with  the  dramatic 
unities  of  mighty  events,  the  great  soldier  who  made 
it,  received  the  final  sword  of  the  rebellion.  The  sol- 
diers of  the  republic  were  not  seekers  after  vulgar 
glory;  they  were  not  animated  by  the  hope  of  plunder 
or  the  love  of  conquest.  They  fought  to  preserve  the 
homestead  of  liberty. 


MONEY  THAT  IS  HONEY. 


142.    Paper  is  not  Money. 

Some  people  tell  me  that  the  government  can  im- 
press its  sovereignty  on  a  piece  of  paper,  and  that  is 
money.  Well,  if  it  is,  what's  the  use  of  wasting  it 
making  one  dollar  bills?  It  takes  no  more  ink  and 
no  more  paper — why  not  make  $1-000  bills  ?  Why  not 
make  $100,000,000  and  all  be  billionaires  ?  If  the 
government  can  make  money,  what  on  earth  does  it 
collect  taxes  for  you  and  me  for  ?  Why  don't  it 
make  what  money  it  wants,  take  the  taxes  out,  and 
give  the  balance  to  us  ?  Mr.  Greenbacker,  suppose 
the  government  issued  $1,000,000,000  to-morrow,  how 
would  you  get  any  of  it  ? 

143.    The  Debt  will  be  paid. 

It  will  be  paid.  The  holders  of  the  debt  have  got 
a  mortgage  on  a  continent.  They  have  a  mortgage 
on  the  honor  of  the  Republican  party,  and  it  is  on 
record.  Every  blade  of  grass  that  grows  upon  this 
continent  is  a  guarantee  that  the  debt  will  be  paid  ; 

(87) 


88  IKGE&SOLLIA. 

every  field  of  bannered  corn  in  the  great,  glorious 
West  is  a  guarantee  that  the  debt  will  be  paid  ;  all 
the  coal  put  away  in  the  ground,  millions  of  years 
ago  by  the  old  miser,  the  sun;  is  a  guarantee  that 
every  dollar  of  that  debt  will  be  paid  ;  all  the  cattle 
on  the  prairies,  pastures  and  plains,  every  one  of 
them  is  a  guarantee  that  this  debt  will  be  paid;  every 
pine  standing  in  the  sombre  forests  of  the  North, 
waiting  for  the  woodman's  axe,  is  a  guarantee  that 
this  debt  will  be  paid  ;  all  the  gold  and  silver  hid  in 
the  Sierra  Nevadas,  waiting  for  the  miner's  pick,  is 
a  guarantee  that  the  debt  will  be  paid  ;  every  loco- 
motive, with  its  muscles  of  iron  and  breath  of  flame, 
and  all  the  boys  and  girls  bending  over  their  books 
at  school,  every  dimpled  child  in  the  cradle,  every 
good  man  and  every  good  woman,  and  every  man 
that  votes  the  Republican  ticket,  is  a  guarantee  that 
the  debt  will  be  paid. 

144.     1873  to  1879! 

No  man  can  imagine,  all  the  languages  of  the 
world  cannot  express,  what  the  people  of  the  United 
States  suffered  from  1873  to  1879.  Men  who  con- 
sidered themselves  millionaires  found  that  they  were 
beggars  ;  men  living  in  palaces,  supposing  they  had 
enough  to  give  sunshine  to  the  winter  of  their  age, 
supposing  they  had  enough  to  have  all  they  loved  in 
affluence  and  comfort,  suddenly  found  that  they 
were  mendicants  with  bonds,  stocks,  mortgages, 
all  turned  to  ashes  in  their  aged,  trembling  hands. 


INGEftSOLLtA. 

The  chimneys  grew  cold,  the  fires  in  furnaces  went 
out,  the  poor  families  were  turned  adrift,  and  the 
highways  of  the  United  States  were  crowded  with 
tramps.  Into  the  home  of  the  poor  crept  the  serpent 
of  temptation,  and  whispered  in  the  ear  of  poverty 
the  terrible  word  "repudiation." 

145.    A  Voter  because  a  Man. 

A  man  does  not  vote  in  this  country  simply  be- 
cause he  is  rich ;  he  does  not  vote  in  this  country 
simply  because  he  has  an  education ;  he  does  not 
vote  simply  because  he  has  talent  or  genius  ;  we  say 
that  he  votes  because  he  is  a  man,  and  that  he  has 
his  manhood  to  support ;  and  we  admit  in  this 
country  that  nothing  can  be  more  valuable  to  any 
human  being  than  his  manhood,  and  for  that  reason 
we  put  poverty  on  an  equality  with  wealth. 
146.  Keep  the  Flag  in  Heaven  ! 

If  you  are  a  German,  recollect  that  this  country  is 
kinder  to  you  than  your  own  fatherland, — no  matter 
what  country  you  came  from,  remember  that  this 
country  is  an  asylum,  and  vote  as  in  your  conscience 
you  believe  you  ought  to  vote  to  keep  this  flag  in 
heaven.  I  beg  every  American  to  stand  with  that 
part  of  the  country  that  believes  in  law,  in  freedom 
of  speech,  in  an  honest  vote,  in  civilization,  in  pro- 
gress, in  human  liberty,  and  in  universal  justice. 
147.  Prosperity  and  Resumption  hand  in  hand. 

The  Republicans  of  the  United  States  demand  a 


90  1NGERSOLLIA. 

man  who  knows  that  prosperity  and  resumption, 
when  they  come,  must  come  together ;  that  when 
they  come  they  will  come  hand  in  hand  through  the 
golden  harvest  fields;  hand  in  hand  by  the  whirling 
spindles  and  the  turning  wheels  ;  hand  in  hand  past 
the  open  furnace  doors  ;  hand  in  hand  by  the  chim- 
neys filled  with  eager  fire,  greeted  and  grasped  by 
the  countless  sons  of  toil.  This  money  has  to  be  dug 
out  of  the  earth.  You  cannot  make  it  by  passing 
resolutions  in  a  political  convention. 

148.    Every  Poor  Man  should  Stand  by  the  Government. 

It  is  the  only  Nation  where  the  man  clothed  in  a 
rag  stands  upon  an  equality  with  the  one  wearing 
purple.  It  is  the  only  country  in  the  world  where, 
politically,  the  hut  is  upon  an  equality  with  the 
palace.  For  that  reason,  every  poor  man  should 
stand  by  the  government,  and  every  poor  man  who 
does  not  is  a  traitor  to  the  best  interests  of  his  child- 
ren ;  every  poor  man  who  does  not  is  willing  his 
children  should  bear  the  badge  of  political  inferiority; 
and  the  only  way  to  make  this  government  a  com- 
plete and  perfect  success  is  for  the  poorest  man  to 
think  as  much  of  his  manhood  as  the  millionaire  does 
of  his  wealth. 

149.    We  Will  Settle  Fair! 

I  want  to  tell  you  that  you  cannot  conceive  of 
what  the  American  people  suffered  as  they  stagger- 
ed over  the  desert  of  bankruptcy  from  1873  to  1879. 


INGERSOLLIA.  91 

We  are  too  near  now  to  know  how  grand  we  were. 
The  poor  mechanic  said  "No;"  the  ruined  manu- 
facturer said  "No;"  the  once  millionaire  said  "No, 
we  will  settle  fair;  we  will  agree  to  pay  whether  we 
ever  pay  or  not,  and  we  will  never  soil  the  Ameri- 
can name  with  the  infamous  word,  'repudiation.'" 
Are  you  not  glad?  What  is  the  talk?  Are  you  not 
glad  that  our  flag  is  covered  all  over  with  financial 
honors?  The  stars  shine  and  gleam  now  because 
they  represent  an  honest  nation. 

150.    A  Government  with  a  Long  Ann. 

I  believe  in  a  Government  with  an  arm  long 
enough  to  reach  the  collar  of  any  rascal  beneath  its 
flag.  I  want  it  with  an  arm  long  enough  and  a 
sword  sharp  enough  to  strike  down  tyranny  wher- 
ever it  may  raise  its  snaky  head.  I  want  a  nation 
that  can  hear  the  faintest  cries  of  its  humblest  citi- 
zen. I  want  a  nation  that  will  protect  a  freedman 
standing  in  the  sun  by  his  little  cabin,  just  as  quick 
as  it  would  protect  Vanderbilt  in  a  palace  of  marble 
and  gold. 

151.    No  Repudiation. 

Then  it  was,  that  the  serpent  of  temptation  whis- 
pered in  the  ear  of  want  that  dreadful  word  "Repu- 
diation." An  effort  was  made  to  repudiate.  They 
appealed  to  want,  to  misery,  to  threatened  financial 
ruin,  to  the  bare  hearthstones,  to  the  army  of  beg- 
gars. We  had  grandeur  enough  to  say  :  "No;  we'll 


92  1NGEKSOLL1A. 

settle  fair  if  we  don't  pay  a  cent ! "  And  we'll  pay 
it.  'Twas  grandeur  !  Is  there  a  Democrat  now  who 
wishes  we  had  taken  the  advice  of  Bayard  to  scale 
the  bonds?  Is  there  an  American,  a  Democrat  here, 
who  is  not  glad  we  escaped  the  stench  and  shame 
of  repudiation,  and  did  not  take  Democratic  advice? 
Is  there  a  Greenbacker  here  who  is  not  glad  we 
didn't  do  it?  He  may  say  he  is,  but  he  isn't. 

152.    The  Great  Crash! 

I  think  there  is  the  greatest  heroism  in  living 
for  a  thing !  There's  no  glory  in  digging  potatoes. 
You  don't  wear  a  uniform  when  you're  picking  up 
stones.  You  can't  have  a  band  of  music  when  you 
dig  potatoes  !  In  1873  came  the  great  crash.  We 
staggered  over  the  desert  of  bankruptcy.  No  one 
can  estimate  the  anguish  of  that  time!  Millionaires 
found  themselves  paupers.  Palaces  were  exchanged 
for  hovels.  The  aged  man,  who  had  spent  his  life 
in  hard  labor,  and  who  thought  he  had  accumulated 
enough  to  support  himself  in  his  old  age,  and  leave 
a  little  something  to  his  children  and  grandchildren, 
found  they  were  all  beggars.  The  highways  were 
filled  with  tramps. 

153.    Promises  Don't  Pay. 

If  I  am  fortunate  enough  to  leave  a  dollar  when  I 
die,  I  want  it  to  be  a  good  one;  I  don't  wish  to  have 
it  turn  to  ashes  in  the  hands  of  widowhood,  or  be- 
come a  Democratic  broken  promise  in  the  pocket  of 


1NGERSOLLIA.  93 

the  orphan;  I  want  it  money.  I  saw  not  long  ago  a 
piece  of  gold  bearing  the  stamp  of  the  Roman  Em- 
pire. That  Empire  is  dust,  and  over  it  has  been 
thrown  the  mantle  of  oblivion,  but  that  piece  of 
gold  is  as  good  as  though  Julius  Caesar  were  still 
riding  at  the  head  of  the  Roman  Legion.  I  want 
money  to  that  will  outlive  the  Democratic  party. 
They  told  us — and  they  were  honest  about  it — they 
said,  ' '  when  we  have  plenty  of  money  we  are  pros- 
perous." And  I  said  :  "  When  we  are  prosperous, 
then  we  have  credit,  and,  credit  inflates  the  cur- 
rency. Whenever  a  man  buys  a  pound  of  sugar 
and  says,  '  Charge  it,'  he  inflates  the  currency; 
whenever  he  gives  his  note,  he  inflates  the  currency; 
whenever  his  word  takes  the  place  of  money,  he 
inflates  the  currency."  The  consequence  is  that 
when  we  are  prosperous,  credit  takes  the  place  of 
money,  and  we  have  what  we  call  "plenty."  But 
you  can't  increase  prosperity  simply  by  using  prom- 
ises to  pay. 

154.    Solid  and  Bright! 

I  do  not  wish  to  trust  the  wealth  of  this  na- 
tion with  the  demagogues  of  the  nation.  I  do  not 
wish  to  trust  the  wealth  of  the  country  to  every 
blast  of  public  opinion.  I  want  money  as  solid  as 
the  earth  on  which  we  tread,  as  bright  as  the  stars 
that  shine  above  us. 

155.    The  South  and  the  Tariff. 

Where  did  this  doctrine  of  a  tariff  for  revenue 


94  INGERSOLLIA. 

only  come  from  ?  From  the  South.  The  South 
would  like  to  stab  the  prosperity  of  the  North.  They 
had  rather  trade  with  Old  England  than  with  New 
England.  They  had  rather  trade  with  the  people 
who  were  willing  to  help  them  in  war  than  those 
who  conquered  the  rebellion.  They  knew  what  gave 
us  our  strength  in  war.  They  knew  all  the  brooks 
and  creeks  and  rivers  in  New  England  were  putting 
down  the  rebellion.  They  knew  that  every  wheel 
that  turned,  every  spindle  that  revolved,  was  a  sol- 
dier in  the  army  of  human  progress.  It  won't  do. 
They  were  so  lured  by  the  greed  of  office  that  they 
were  willing  to  trade  upon  the  misfortune  of  a  na- 
tion. It  won't  do.  I  don't  wish  to  belong  to  a  party 
that  succeeds  only  when  my  country  falls.  I  don't 
wish  to  belong  to  a  party  whose  banner  went  up 
with  the  banner  of  rebellion.  I  don't  wish  to  belong 
to  a  party  that  was  in  partnership  with  defeat  and 

disaster. 

156.    I  am  for  Protection. 

And  I  will  tell  you  why  I  am  for  protection,  too. 
If  we  were  all  farmers  we  would  be  stupid.  If  we 
were  all  shoemakers  we  would  be  stupid.  If  we  all 
followed  one  business,  no  matter  what  it  was,  we 
would  become  stupid.  Protection  to  American  labor 
diversifies  American  industry,  and  to  have  it  divers- 
ified touches  and  developes  every  part  of  the  human 
brain.  Protection  protects  integrity ;  it  protects  in- 
telligence ;  and  protection  raises  sense ;  and  by  pro- 


INGERSOLLIA.  95 

tection  we  have  greater  men  and  better-looking 
women  and  healthier  children.  Free  trade  means 
that  our  laborer  is  upon  an  equality  with  the  poorest 
paid  labor  of  this  world. 

157.    The  Old  Woman  of  Tewksbury. 

You  Greenbackers  are  like  the  old  woman  in  the 
Tewksbury,  Mass.,  Poor-House.  She  used  to  be  well 
off,  and  didn't  like  her  quarters.  You  Greenbackers 
have  left  your  father's  house  of  many  mansions  and 
have  fed  on  shucks  about  long  enough.  The  Super- 
visor came  into  the  Poor-House  one  day  and  asked 
the  old  lady  how  she  liked  it.  She  said  she  didn't 
like  the  company,  and  asked  him  what  he  would  ad- 
vise her  to  do  under  similar  circumstances.  "  Oh, 
you'd  better  stay.  You're  prejudiced,"  said  he.  "Do 
you  think  anybody  is  ever  prejudiced  in  their  sleep?" 
asked  the  old  lady.  "  I  had  a  dream  the  other  night. 
I  dreamed  I  died  and  went  to  Heaven.  Lots  of  nice 
people  were  there.  A  nice  man  came  to  me  and 
asked  me  where  I  was  from.  Says  I,  '  From  Tewks- 
bury, Mass.'  He  looked  in  his  book  and  said,  '  You 
can't  tetay  here.'  "  I  asked  what  he  would  advise 
me  to  do  under  similar  circumstances."  'Well,' 
he  said,  'there's  hell  down  there,  you  might  try 
that.'  "  Well,  I  went  down  there,  and  the  men  told 
me  my  name  wasn't  on  the  book  and  I  couldn't  stay 
there.  '  Well,'  said  I,  'What  would  you  advise  me 
to  do  under  similar  circumstances?'  'Said  he,  'You'll 


96  INGERSOLLIA. 

have  to  go  back  to  Tewksbury.'  And  when  Green- 
backers  remember  what  they  once  were,  you  must 
feel  now,  when  you  were  forced  to  join  the  Demo- 
cratic party,  as  bad  as  the  old  lady  who  had  to  go 
back  to  Tewksbury. 

158.    American  Muscle,  Coined  into  Gold. 

I  believe  in  American  labor,  and  I  tell  you  why. 
The  other  day  a  man  told  me  that  we  had  produced 
in  the  United  States  of  America  one  million  tons  of 
rails.  How  much  are  they  worth?  Sixty  dollars  a 
ton.  In  other  words,  the  million  tons  are  worth 
$60,000,000.  How  much  is  a  ton  of  iron  worth  in 
the  ground  ?  Twenty-five  cents.  American  labor 
takes  25  cents  of  iron  in  the  ground  and  adds  to  it 
$59.75.  One  million  tons  of  rails,  and  the  raw  ma- 
terial not  worth  $24,000.  We  build  a  ship  in  the 
United  States  worth  $500,000,  and  the  value  of  the 
ore  in  the  earth,  of  the  trees  in  the  great  forest,  of 
all  that  enters  into  the  composition  of  that  ship 
bringing  $500,000  in  gold  is  only  $20,000 ;  $480,000  by 
American  labor,  American  muscle,  coined  into  gold; 
American  brains  made  a  legal-tender  the  ..world 
around. 

159.    Inflation.) 

I  don't  blame  the  man  who  wanted  inflation.  I 
don't  blame  him  for  praying  for  another  period  of 
inflation.  "  When  it  comes,"  said  the  man  who  had 
a  lot  of  shrunken  property  on  his  hands,  "blame 


INGERSOLLIA.  97 

me,  if  I  don't  unload,  you.  may  shoot  me."  It's  a 
good  deal  like  the  game  of  poker  !  I  don't  suppose 
any  of  you  know  anything  about  that  game!  Along 
towards  morning  the  fellow  who  is  ahead  always 
wants  another  deal.  The  fellow  that  is  behind  says 
his  wife's  sick,  and  he  must  go  home.  You  ought  to 
hear  that  fellow  descant  on  domestic  virtue!  And 
the  other  fellow  accuses  him  of  being  a  coward  and 
wanting  to  jump  the  game.  A  man  whose  dead 
wood  is  hung  up  on  the  shore  in  a  dry  time,  wants 
the  water  to  rise  once  more  and  float  it  out  into  the 
middle  of  the  stream. 

160.     Resources  of  Illinois. 

Let  me  tell  you  something  about  Illinois.  We  have 
fifty-six  thousand  square  miles  of  land — nearly 
thirty- six  million  acres.  Upon  these  plains  we  can 
raise  enough  to  feed  and  clothe  twenty  million  peo- 
ple. Beneath  these  prairies  were  hidden,  millions 
of  ages  ago,  by  that  old  miser,  the  sun,  thirty-six 
thousand  square  miles  of  coal.  The  aggregate  thick- 
ness of  these  veins  is  at  least  fifteen  feet.  Think  of 
a  column  of  coal  one  mile  square  and  one  hundred 
miles  high!  All  this  came  from  the  sun.  What  a 
sunbeam  such  a  column  would  be  !  Think  of  all 
this  foree,  willed  and  left  to  us  by  the  dead  morning 
of  the  world !  Think  of  the  fireside  of  the  future 
around  which  will  sit  the  fathers,  mothers  and  chil- 
dren of  the  years  to  be  !  Think  of  the  sweet  and 


98  INGERSOLLIA. 

happy  faces,  the  loving  and  tender  eyes  that  will 
glow  and  gleam,  in  the  sacred  light  of  all  these 
flames ! 

161.     Money ! 

They  say  that  money  is  a  measure  of  value.  'Tisn't 
so.  A  bushe.1  doesn't  measure  values.  It  measures 
diamonds  as  well  as  potatoes.  If  it  measured  values, 
a  bushel  of  potatoes  would  be  worth  as  much  as  a 
bushel  of  diamonds.  A  yard-stick  doesn't  measure 
values.  They  used  to  say,  "there's  no  use  in  hav- 
ing a  gold  yard-stick."  That  was  right.  You  don't 
buy  the  yard-stick.  If  money  bore  the  same  rela- 
tion to  trade  as  a  yard-stick  or  half-bushel,  you 
would  have  the  same  money  when  you  got  through 
trading  as  you  had  when  you  begun.  A  man  don't 
sell  half -bushels.  He  sells  corn.  All  we  want  is  a 
little  sense  about  these  things.  We  were  in  trouble. 
The  thing  was  discussed.  Some  said  there  wasn't 
enough  money.  That's  so;  I  know  what  that  means 
myself.  They  said  if  we  had  more  money  we'd  be 
more  prosperous.  The  truth  is,  if  we  were  more 
prosperous  we'd  have  more  money.  They  said  more 
money  would  facilitate  business. 

162.     Money  by  Work. 

How  do  you  get  your  money?  By  work.  Where 
from?  You  have  got  to  dig  it  out  of  the  ground. 
That  is  where  it  comes  from.  In  old  times  there 
were  some  men  who  thought  they  could  get  some 


ERNST  HAECKEL. 


INGERSOLLIA.  99 

way  to  turn  the  baser  metals  into  gold,  and  old  gray- 
haired  men,  trembling,  tottering  on  the  verge  of  the 
grave,  were  hunting  for  something  to  turn  ordinary 
metals  into  gold;  they  were  searching  for  the  foun- 
tain of  eternal  youth,  but  they  did  not  find  it.  No 
human  ear  has  ever  heard  the  silver  gurgle  of  the 
spring  of  immortal  youth. 

163.    Meat  Twice  a  Year, 

I  have  been  in  countries  where  the  laboring  man 
had  meat  once  a  year;  sometimes  twice — Christmas 
and  Easter.  And  I  have  seen  women  carrying  up- 
on their  heads  a  burden  that  no  man  would  like  to 
carry,  and  at  the  same  time  knitting  busily  with 
both  hands.  And  those  women  lived  without  meat; 
and  when  I  thought  of  the  American  laborer  I  said 
to  myself,  "  After  all,  my  country  is  the  best  in  the 
world."  And  when  I  came  back  to  the  sea  and  saw 
the  old  flag  flying  in  the  air,  it  seemed  to  me  as 
though  the  air  from  pure  joy  had  burst  into  blossom. 

164.    America  a  Glorious  Land. 

Labor  has  more  to  eat  and  more  to  wear  in  the 
United  States  than  in  any  other  land  of  this  earth. 
I  want  America  to  produce  everything  that  Ameri- 
cans need.  I  want  it  so  if  the  whole  world  should 
declare  war  against  us,  so  if  we  were  surrounded  by 
walls  of  cannon  and  bayonets  and  swords,  we  could 
supply  all  human  wants  in  and  of  ourselves.  I  want 
to  live  to  see  the  American  woman  dressed  in  Ameri- 


100  INGERSOLLIA. 

can  silk;  the  American  man  in  everything  from  hat 
to  boots  produced  in  America  by  the  cunning  hand 
of  the  American  toiler. 

165.    How  to  Spend  a  Dollar, 

If  you  have  only  a  dollar  in  the  world  and  have 
got  to  spend  it,  spend  it  like  a  man;  spend  it  like  a 
prince,  like  a  king  !  If  you  have  to  spend  it,  spend 
it  as  though  it  were  a  dried  leaf,  and  you  were  the 
owner  of  unbounded  forests. 

166.    Honesty  is  Best  always  and  Everywhere. 

I  am  next  in  favor  of  honest  money.  I  am  in  favor 
of  gold  and  silver,  and  paper  with  gold  and  silver 
behind  it.  I  believe  in  silver,  because  it  is  one  of  the 
greatest  of  American  products,  and  I  am  in  favor  of 
anything  that  will  add  to  the  value  of  American 
products.  But  I  want  a  silver  dollar  worth  a  gold 
dollar,  even  if  you  make  it  or  have  to  make  it  four 
feet  in  diameter.  No  government  can  afford  to  be  a 
clipper  of  coin.  A  great  Republic  cannot  afford  to 
stamp  a  lie  upon  silver  or  gold.  Honest  money,  an 
honest  people,  an  honest  Nation.  When  our  money 
is  only  worth  80  cents  on  the  dollar,  we  feel  20  per 
cent,  below  par.  When  our  money  is  good  we  feel 
good.  When  our  money  is  at  par,  that  is  where  we 
are.  I  am  a  profound  believer  in  the  doctrine  that 
for  nations  as  well  as  men,  honesty  is  the  best,  al- 
ways, everywhere  and  forever. 


INGERSOLLIA.  101 

167.  A  Fountain  of  Greenbacks. 

There  used  to  be  mechanics  that  tried  to  make  per- 
petual motion  by  combinations  of  wheels,  shifting 
weights,  and  rolling  balls  ;  but  somehow  the  machine 
would  never  quite  run.  A  perpetual  fountain  ot 
greenbacks,  of  wealth  without  labor,  is  just  as  fool- 
ish as  a  fountain  of  eternal  youth.  The  idea  that 
you  can  produce  money  without  labor  is  just  as  fool- 
ish as  the  idea  of  perpetual  motion.  They  are  old 
follies  under  new  names. 

168.  What  the  Greenback  says  ! 

Shall  we  pay  our  debts?  We  had  to  borrow  some 
money  to  pay  for  shot  and  shell  to  shoot  Democrats 
with.  We  found  that  we  could  get  along  with  a  few 
less  Democrats,  but  not  with  any  less  country,  and 
so  we  borrowed  the  money,  and  the  question  now  is, 
will  we  pay  it  ?  And  which  party  is  the  most  apt  to 
pay  it,  the  Republican  party,  that  made  the  debt — 
the  party  that  swore  it  was  constitutional,  or  the 
party  that  said  it  was  unconstitutional  ?  Whenever 
a  Democrat  sees  a  greenback,  the  greenback  says  to 
the  Democrat,  "I  am  one  of  the  fellows  that  whip- 
ped you. "  Whenever  a  Republican  sees  a  greenback, 
the  greenback  says  to  him,  "You  and  I  put  down 
the  rebellion  and  saved  the  country. 
169.  Honest  Methods. 

So  many  presidents  of  savings  banks,  even  those 
.belonging-  to  the  Young  Men's  Christian  Association, 


102  INGERSOLLIA. 

run  off  with  the  funds  ;  so  many  railroad  and  insur- 
ance companies  are  in  the  hands  of  receivers  ;  there 
is  so  much  bankruptcy  on  every  hand,  that  all  capital 
is  held  in  the  nervous  clutch  of  fear.  Slowly,  but 
surely,  we  are  coming  back  to  honest  methods  in 
business.  Confidence  will  return,  and  then  enter- 
prise will  unlock  the  safe  and  money  will  again  cir- 
culate as  of  yore  ;  the  dollars  will  leave  their  hiding 
places,  and  every  one  will  be  seeking  investment. 
170.  Silver  demonetized  by  Fraud! 

For  my  part  I  do  not  ask  any  interference  on  the 
part  of  the  government  except  to  undo  the  wrong  it 
has  done.  I  do  not  ask  that  money  be  made  out  of 
nothing.  I  do  not  ask  for  the  prosperity  born  of 
paper.  But  I  do  ask  for  the  remonetization  of  silver. 
Silver  was  demonetized  by  fraud.  It  was  an  imposi- 
tion upon  every  solvent  man;  a  fraud  upon  every 
honest  debtor  in  the  United  States.  It  assassinated 
labor.  It  was  done  in  the  interest  of  avarice  and 
greed,  and  should  be  undone  by  honest  men. 


RELIGIOUS  QUESTIONS. 

171.    The  Crime  of  Crimes  ! 

Redden  your  hands  with  human  blood  ;  blast  by 
slander  the  fair  fame  of  the  innocent ;  strangle  the 
smiling  child  upon  its  mother's  knees  ;  deceive,  ruin 
and  desert  the  beautiful  girl  who  loves  and  trusts 
you,  and  your  case  is  not  hopeless.  For  all  this,  and 
for  all  these  you  may  be  forgiven.  For  all  this,  and 
for  all  these,  that  bankrupt  court,  established  by  the 
gospel,  will  give  you  a  discharge;  but  deny  the  ex- 
istence of  these  divine  ghosts,  of  these  gods,  and 
the  sweet  and  tearful  face  of  Mercy  becomes  livid 
with  eternal  hate.  Heaven's  golden  gates  are  shut, 
and  you,  with  an  infinite  curse  ringing  in  your  ears, 
with  the  brand  of  infamy  upon  your  brow,  commence 
your  endless  wandernings  in  the  lurid  gloom  of  hell 
— an  immortal  vagrant — an  eternal  outcast — a  death- 
less convict. 

172.    Faith. — A  Mixture  of  Insanity  and  Ignorance. 

The  doctrine  that  future  happiness  depends  upon 
(103) 


104  IttGERSOLLiA. 

belief  is  monstrous.  It  is  the  infamy  of  infamies. 
The  notion  that  faith  in  Christ  is  to  be  rewarded  by 
an  eternity  of  bliss,  while  a  dependence  upon  reason, 
observation,  and  experience  merits  everlasting  pain, 
is  too  absurd  for  refutation,  and  can  be  relieved  only 
by  that  unhappy  mixture  of  insanity  and  ignorance; 
called  "faith." 

173.    What  the  Saints  Could  Cure  ! 

The  church  in  the  days  of  Voltaire  contended  that 
its  servants  were  the  only  legitimate  physicians. 
The  priests  cured  in  the  name  of  the  church,  and  in 
the  name  of  God — by  exorcism,  relics,  water,  salt 
and  oil.  St.  Valentine  cured  epilepsy,  St.  Gervasius 
was  good  for  rheumatism,  St.  Michael  de  Sanatis  for 
cancer,  St.  Judas  for  coughs,  St.  Ovidius  for  deaf- 
ness, St.  Sebastian  for  poisonous  bites.  St.  Apollonia 
for  toothache,  St.  Clara  for  rheum  in  the  eye,  St. 
Hubert  for  hydrophobia.  Devils  were  driven  out 
with  wax  tapers,  with  incence,  with  holy  water,  by 
pronouncing  prayers.  The  church,  as  late  as  the 
middle  of  the  twelfth  century,  prohibited  good  Catho- 
lics from  having  anything  to  do  with  physicians. 

174.    The  Sleep  of  Persecutors. 

All  the  persecutors  sleep  in  peace,  and  the  ashes 
of  those  who  burned  their  brothers  in  the  name  of 
Christ  rest  in  consecrated  ground.  Whole  libraries 
could  not  contain  even  the  names  of  the  wretches 
who  have  filled  the  world  with  violence  and  death  in 


1NGERSOLLIA.  105 

defense  of  book  and  creed,  and  yet  they  all  died  the 
death  of  the  righteous,  and  no  priest  or]  minister  de- 
scribes the  agony  and  fear,  the  remorse  and  horror 
with  which  their  guilty  souls  were  filled  in  the  last 
moments  of  their  lives.  These  men  had  never  doubt- 
ed ;  they  accepted  the  creed  ;  they  were  not  infidels; 
they  had  not  denied  the  divinity  of  Christ;  they  had 
been  baptized;  they  had  partaken  of  the  last  supper; 
they  had  respected  priests;  they  admitted  that  the 
Holy  Ghost  had  "  proceeded; "  and  these  things  put 
pillows  beneath  their  dying  heads  and  covered  them 
with  the  drapery  of  peace. 

175.    Crime  Rampant  and  God  Silent! 

There  is  no  recorded  instance  where  the  uplifted 
hand  of  murder  has  been  paralyzed — no  truthful  ac- 
count in  all  the  literature  of  the  world  of  the  inno- 
cent shielded  by  God.  Thousands  of  crimes  are  be- 
ing committed  every  day — men  are  this  moment 
lying  in  wait  for  their  human  prey;  wives  are  whip- 
ped and  crushed,  driven  to  insanity  and  death  ;  little 
children  begging  for  mercy,  lifting  imploringly  tear- 
filled  eyes  to  the  brutal  faces  of  fathers  and  mothers; 
sweet  girls  are  deceived,  lured,  and  outraged;  but 
God  has  no  time  to  prevent  these  things — no  time  to 
defend  the  good  and  to  protect  the  pure.  He  is  too 
busy  numbering  hairs  and  watching  sparrows. 

176.    How  Criminals  Die  Serenely  ! 

All  kinds  of  criminals,  except  infidels,  meet  death 


106  INGERSOLLIA. 

with  reasonable  serenity.  As  a  rule,  there  is  noth- 
ing in  the  death  of  a  pirate  to  cast  any  discredit  on 
his  profession.  The  murderer  upon  the  scaffold, 
with  a  priest  on  either  side,  smilingly  exhorts  the 
multitude  to  meet  him  in  heaven.  The  man  who  has 
succeeded  in  making  his  home  a  hell  meets  death 
without  a  quiver,  provided  he  has  never  expressed 
any  doubt  as  to  the  divinity  of  Christ  or  the  eternal 
"  procession  "  of  the  holy  ghost.  The  king  who  has 
waged  cruel  and  useless  war,  who  has  filled  countries 
with  widows  and  fatherless  children,  with  the 
maimed  and  diseased,  and  who  has  succeeded  in  of- 
fering to  the  Moloch  of  ambition  the  best  and 
bravest  of  his  subjects,  dies  like  a  saint. 

177.    The  first  Corpse  and  the  first  Cathedral. 

Now  and  then,  in  the  history  of  this  world,  a  man 
of  genius,  of  sense,  of  intellectual  honesty  has  ap- 
peared. These  men  have  denounced  the  supersti- 
tions of  their  day.  They  pitied  the  multitude.  To 
see  priests  devour  the  substance  of  the  people  filled 
them  with  indignation.  These  men  were  honest 
enough  to  tell  their  thoughts.  Then  they  were  de- 
nounced, condemned,  executed.  Some  of  them  es- 
caped the  fury  of  the  people  who  loved  their  enemies, 
and  died  naturally  in  their  beds.  It  would  not  be 
for  the  church  to  admit  that  they  died  peacefully. 
That  would  show  that  religion  was  not  actually 
necessary  in  the  last  moment.  Religion  got  much 


INGERSOLLIA.  10? 

of  its  power  from  the  terror  of  death.  Superstition 
is  the  child  of  ignorance  and  fear.  The  first  grave 
was  the  first  cathedral.  The  first  corpse  was  the  first 
priest.  It  would  not  do  to  have  the  common  people 
understand  that  a  man  could  deny  the  Bible,  refuse 
to  look  at  the  cross,  contend  that  Christ  was  only  a 
man,  and  yet  die  as  calmly  as  Calvin  did  after  he  had 
murdered  Servetus,  or  as  King  David,  after  advising 
one  son  to  kill  another. 

178.    The  Sixteenth  Century. 

In  the  sixteenth  century  every  science  was  regard- 
ed as  an  outcast  and  an  enemy,  and  the  church  in- 
fluenced the  world,  which  was  under  its  power,  to 
believe  anything,  and  the  ignorant  mob  was  always 
too  ready,  brutalized  by  the  church,  to  hang,  kill  or 
crucify  at  their  bidding.  Such  was  the  result  of  a 
few  centuries  of  Christianity. 

179.    An  Orthodox  Gentleman. 

By  Orthodox  I  mean  a  gentleman  who  is  petrified 
in  his  mind,  whooping  around  intellectually,  simply 
to  save  the  funeral  expenses  of  his  soul. 
180.    A  Bold  Assertion. 

The  churches  point  to  their  decayed  saints,  and 
their  crumbled  Popes  and  say,  "  Do  you  know  more 
than  all  the  ministers  that  ever  lived?  "  And  without 
the  slightest  egotism  or  blush  I  say,  yes,  and  the 
name  of  Humboldt  outweighs  them  all.  The  men 
who  stand  in  the  front  rank,  the  men  who  know 


108  iNGERSOLLlAi 

most  of  the  secrets  of  nature,  the  men  who  know 
most  are  to-day  the  advanced  infidels  of  this  world. 
I  have  lived  long  enough  to  see  the  brand  of  intel- 
lectual inferiority  on  every  orthodox  brain. 
181.    History  a  Bloody  Farce  ! 

If  we  admit  that  some  infinite  being  has  controlled 
the  destinies  of  persons  and  peoples,  history  becomes 
a  most  cruel  and  bloody  farce.  Age  after  age,  the 
strong  have  trampled  upon  the  weak;  the  crafty  and 
heartless  have  ensnared  and  enslaved  the  simple  and 
innocent,  and  nowhere,  in  all  the  annals  of  mankind, 
has  any  god  succored  the  oppressed. 

182.    Weak  ones  Suffering— Heaven  deaf. 

Most  of  the  misery  has  been  endured  by  the  weak, 
the  loving  and  the  innocent.  Women  have  been 
treated  like  poisonous  beasts,  and  little  children 
trampled  upon  as  though  they  had  been  vermin. 
Numberless  altars  have  been  reddened,  even  with 
the  blood  of  babes;  beautiful  girls  have  been  given 
to  slimy  serpents;  whole  races  of  men  doomed  to 
centuries  of  slavery,  and  everywhere  there  has  been 
outrage  beyond  the  power  of  genius  to  express. 
During  all  these  years  the  suffering  have  suppli- 
cated; the  withered  lips  of  famine  have  prayed;  the 
pale  victims  have  implored,  and  Heaven  has  been 
deaf  and  blind. 

183.     Heaven  has  no  Ear,  no  Hand. 

Man  should  cease  to  expect  aid  from  on  high.    By 


tNGERSOLLIA*  109 

this  time  he  should  know  that  heaven  has  no  ear  to 
hear,  and  no  hand  ito  help.  The  present  is  the  neces- 
sary child  of  all  the  past.  There  has  been  no  chance, 
and  there  can  be  no  interference. 

184.    Religion  is  Tyrannical. 

Religion  does  not,  and  cannot,  contemplate  man 
as  free.  She  accepts  only  the  homage  of  the  pros- 
trate, and  scorns  the  offerings  of  those  who  stand 
erect.  She  cannot  tolerate  the  liberty  of  thought. 
The  wide  and  sunny  fields  belong  not  to  her  domain. 
The  star-lit  heights  of  genius  and  individuality  are 
above  and  beyond  her  appreciation  and  power.  Her 
subjects  cringe  at  her  feet,  covered  with  the  dust  of 
obedience. 

185.    Religion  and  Facts. 

What  has  religion  to  do  with  facts  ?  Nothing.  Is 
there  any  such  thing  as  Methodist  mathematics, 
Presbyterian  botany,  Catholic  astronomy  or  Baptist 
biology  ?  What  has  any  form  of  superstition  or  re- 
ligion to  do  with  a  fact  or  with  any  science  ?  Noth- 
ing but  hinder,  delay  or  embarass.  I  want,  then,  to 
free  the  schools ;  and  I  want  to  free  the  politicians, 
so  that  a  man  will  not  have  to  pretend  he  is  a  Meth- 
odist, or  his  wife  a  Baptist,  or  his  grandmother  a 
Catholic;  so  that  he  can  go  through  a  campaign, 
and  when  he  gets  through  will  find  none  of  the  dust 
of  hypocrisy  on  his  knees. 


110  INGERSOLLIA. 

186.  Religion  not  the  End  of  Life. 
We  deny  that  religion  is  the  end  or  object  of  this 
life.  When  it  is  so  considered  it  becomes  destruc- 
tive of  happiness — the  real  end  of  life.  It  becomes 
a  hydra-headed  monster,  reaching  in  terrible  coils 
from  the  heavens,  and  thrusting  its  thousand  fangs 
into  the  bleeding,  quivering  hearts  of  men.  It  de- 
vours their  substance,  builds  palaces  for  God,  (who 
dwells  not  in  temples  made  with  hands,)  and  allows 
his  children  to  die  in  huts  and  hovels.  It  fills  the 
earth  with  mourning,  heaven  with  hatred,  the  pres- 
ent with  fear,  and  all  the  future  with  despair. 

187.    Creeds. 

Just  in  proportion  that  the  human  race  has  ad- 
vanced, the  Church  has  lost  power.  There  is  no 
exception  to  this  rule.  No  nation  ever  materially 
advanced  that  held  strictly  to  the  religion  of  its 
founders.  No  nation  ever  gave  itself  wholly  to  the 
control  of  the  Church  without  losing  its  power,  its 
honor,  and  existence.  Every  Church  pretends  to 
have  found  the  exact  truth.  This  is  the  end  of  pro- 
gress. Why  pursue  that  which  you  have?  Why 
investigate  when  you  know  ?  Every  creed  is  a  rock 
in  running  water  ;  humanity  sweeps  by  it.  Every 
creed  cries  to  the  universe,  "  Halt!"  A  creed  is  the 
ignorant  Past  bullying  the  enlightened  Present. 
188.  The  Worst  Religion  in  the  World. 

The  worst  religion  of  the  world  was  the  Presby- 


INGERSOLLIA.  Ill 

V 

terianism  of  Scotland  as  it  existed  in  the  beginning 
of  the  eighteenth  century.  The  kirk  had  all  the 
faults  of  the  church  of  Rome,  without  a  redeeming 
feature.  The  kirk  hated  music,  painting,  statuary, 
and  architecture.  Anything  touched  with  humanity 
— with  the  dimples  of  joy — was  detested  and  ac- 
cursed. God  was  to  be  feared,  not  loved.  Life  was 
a  long  battle  with  the  devil.  Every  desire  was  of 
Satan.  Happiness  was  a  snare,  and  human  love 
was  wicked,  weak,  and  vain.  The  Presbyterian 
priest  of  jScotland  was  as  cruel,  bigoted,  and  heart- 
less as  the  familiar  of  the  inquisition.  One  case  will 
tell  it  all.  In  the  beginning  of  this,  the  nineteenth 
century,  a  boy  seventeen  years  of  age,  Thomas 
Aikenhead,  was  indicted  and  tried  at  Edinburgh  for 
blasphemy.  He  had  on  several  occasions,  when 
cold,  jocularly  wished  himself  in  hell,  that  he  might 
get  warm.  The  "poor,  frightened  boy  recanted  — 
begged  for  mercy;  but  he  was  found  guilty,  hanged, 
thrown  in  a  hole  at  the  foot  of  the  scaffold ;  and  his 
weeping  mother  vainly  begged  that  his  bruised  and 
bleeding  body  might  be  given  to  her. 

189.    Religion  Demanding  Miracles. 

The  founder  of  a  religion  must  be  able  to  turn 
water  into  wine — cure  with  a  word  the  blind  and 
lame,  and  raise  with  a  simple  touch  the  dead  to  life. 
It  was  necessary  for  him  to  demonstrate  to  the  sat- 
isfaction of  his  barbarian  disciple,  that  he  was  supe- 


112  INGERSOLLIA. 

t 

rior  to  nature.  In  times  of  ignorance  this  was  easy 
to  do.  The  credulity  of  the  savage  was  almost 
boundless.  To  him  the  marvelous  was  the  beauti- 
ful, the  mysterious  was  the  sublime.  Consequently, 
every  religion  has  for  its  foundation  a  miracle — that 
is  to  say,  a  violation  of  nature — that  is  to  say,  a 
falsehood. 

190.    We  Want  One  Fact. 

We  have  heard  talk  enough.  We  have  listened  to 
all  the  drowsy,  idealess,  vapid  sermons  that  we  wish 
to  hear.  We  have  read  your  Bible  and  the  works  of 
your  best  minds.  We  have  heard  your  prayers, 
your  solemn  groans  and  your  reverential  amens. 
All  these  amount  to  less  than  nothing.  We  want 
one  fact.  We  beg  at  the  doors  of  your  churches  for 
just  one  little  fact.  We  pass  our  hats  along  your 
pews  and  under  your  pulpits  and  implore  you  for 
just  one  fact.  We  know  all  about  your  mouldy 
wonders  and  your  stale  miracles.  We  want  a  this 
year's  fact.  We  ask  only  one.  Give  us  one  fact  for 
charity.  Your  miracles  are  too  ancient. 

191.    The  Design  Argument. 

These  religious  people  see  nothing  but  designs 
everywhere,  and  personal,  intelligent  interference 
in  everything.  They  insist  that  the  universe  has 
been  created,  and  that  the  adaptation  of  means  to 
ends  is  perfectly  apparent.  They  point  us  to  the 
sunshine,  to  the  flowers,  to  the  April  rain,  and  to  all 


INGERSOLLIA.  113 

there  is  of  beauty  and  of  use  in  the  world.  Did  it 
ever  occur  to  them  that  a  cancer  is  as  beautiful  in 
its  development  as  is  the  reddest  rose  ?  That  what 
they  are  pleased  to  call  the  adaptation  of  means  to 
ends,  is  as  apparent  in  the  cancer  as  in  the  April 
rain  ?  How  beautiful  the  process  of  digestion  !  By 
what  ingenious  methods  the  blood  is  poisoned  so 
that  the  cancer  shall  have  food  !  By  what  wonder- 
ful contrivances  the  entire  system  of  man  is  made 
to  pay  tribute  to  this  divine  and  charming  cancer ! 
See  by  what  admirable  instrumentalities  it  feeds 
itself  from  the  surrounding  quivering,  dainty  flesh  ! 
See  how  it  gradually  but  surely  expands  and  grows! 
By  what  marvelous  mechanism  it  is  supplied  with 
long  and  slender  roots  that  reach  out  to  the  most 
secret  nerves  of  pain  for  sustenance  and  life  !  What 
beautiful  colors  it  presents  ! 

192.    Down,  Forever  Down. 

Down,  forever  down,  with  any  religion  that  re- 
.  quires  upon  its  ignorant  altar  the  sacrifice  of  the 
goddess  Reason,  that  compels  her  to  abdicate  for- 
ever the  shining  throne  of  the  soul,  strips  from  her 
form  the  imperial  purple,  snatches  from  her  hand 
the  sceptre  of  thought  and  makes  her  the  bond- 
woman of  a  senseless  faith  ! 

193.    The  Back. 

Upon  this  rack  I  have  described,  this  victim  was 
placed,  and  those  chains  were  attached  to  his  ankles 


114  INGERSOLLIA. 

and  then  to  his  waist,  and  clegyman,  good  men ! 
pious  men  !  men  that  were  shocked  at  the  immoral- 
'  ity  of  their  day  !  they  talked  about  playing  cards 
and  the  horrible  crime  of  dancing  !  Oh!  how  such 
things  shocked  them;  men  going  to  the  theatres  and 
seeing  a  play  written  by  the  grandest  genius  the 
world  ever  has  produced — how  it  shocked  their  sub- 
lime and  tender  souls!  but  they  commenced  turning 
this  machine  and  they  kept  on  turning  until  the  an- 
kles, knees,  hips,  elbows,  shoulders  and  wrists  were 
all  dislocated  and  the  victim  was  red  with  the  sweat 
of  agony,  and  they  had  standing  by  a  physician  to 
feel  the  pulse,  so  that  the  last  faint  flutter  of  life 
would  not  leave  his  veins.  Did  they  wish  to  save 
his  life  ?  Yes.  In  mercy  ?  No  !  simply  that  they 
might  have  the  pleasure  of  racking  him  once  again. 
That  is  the  spirit,  and  it  is  a  spirit  born  of  the  doc- 
trine that  there  is  upon  the  throne  of  the  universe  a 
being  who  will  eternally  damn  his  children,  and 
they  said  :  "  If  God  is  going  to  have  the  supreme 
happiness  of  burning  them  forever,  certainly  he 
ought  not  to  begrudge  to  us  the  joy  of  burning  them 
for  an  hour  or  two."  That  was  their  doctrine,  and 
when  I  read  these  things  it  seems  to  me  that  I  have 
suffered  them  myself. 

194.    An  Awful  Admission. 

Just  think  of  going  to  the  day  of  judgment,  if 
there  is  one,  and  standing  up  before  God  and  admit- 


EMANUEL   SWEDENBORG. 


INGERSOLLIA.  115 

ting  without  a  blush  that  you  had  lived  and  died  a 
Scotch  Presbyterian.  I  would  expect  the  next  sen- 
tence would  be,  "  Depart  ye  cursed  into  everlasting 
fire." 


GHGRGHES  AND  PRIESTS. 

195.    The  Church  Forbids  Investgation. 

The  first  doubt  was  the  womb  and  cradle  of  pro- 
gress, and  from  the  first  doubt, man  has  continued  to 
advance.  Men  began  to  investigate,  and  the  church 
began  to  oppose.  The  astronomer  scanned  the  heav- 
ens, while  the  church  branded  his  grand  forehead 
with  the  word,  "  Infidel ;"  and  now,  not  a  glittering 
star  in  all  the  vast  expanse  bears  a  Christian  name. 
In  spite  of  all  religion,  the  geologist  penetrated  the 
earth,  read  her  history  in  books  of  stone,  and  found, 
hidden  within  her  bosom  souvenirs  of  all  the  ages 
196.  The  Church  Charges  Falsely. 

Notwithstanding  the  fact  that  infidels  in  all  ages 
have  battled  for  the  rights  of  man,  and  have  at  all 
times  been  the  fearless  advocates  of  liberty  and 
justice,  we  are  constantly  charged  by  the  Church 
with  tearing  down  without  building  again. 
197.  The  Church  in  the  "Dark  Ages." 

During  that  frightful  period  known  as  the  "  Dark 
(116) 


INGERSOLLIA.  117 

Ages,"  Faith  reigned,  with  scarcely  a  rebellious 
subject.  Her  temples  were  "carpeted  with  knees," 
and  the  wealth  of  nations  adorned  her  countless 
shrines.  The  great  painters  prostituted  their  genius 
to  immortalize  her  vagaries,  while  the  poets  en- 
shrined them  in  song.  At  her  bidding,  man  covered 
the  earth  with  blood.  The  scales  of  Justice  were 
turned  with  her  gold,  and  for  her  use  were  invented 
all  the  cunning  instruments  of  pain.  She  built 
cathedrals  for  God,  and  dungeons  for  men.  She 
peopled  the  clouds  with  angels  and  the  earth  with 
slaves. 

198.    The  Few  Say,  "  Think  ! " 

For  ages,  a v deadly  conflict  has  been  waged  be- 
tween a  few  brave  men  and  women  of  thought  and 
genius  upon  the  one  side,  and  the  great  ignorant 
religious  mass  on  the  other.  This  is  the  war  be- 
tween] science  and  faith.  The  few  have  appealed 
to  reason,  to  honor,  to  law,  to  freedom,  to  the  known, 
and  to  happiness  here  in  this  world.  The  many 
have  appealed  to  prejudice,  to  fear,  to  miracle,  to 
slavery,  to  the  unknown,  and  to  misery  hereafter. 
The  few  have  said,  "  Think  ! "  The  many  have 
said,  "Believe!" 

199.    The  Church  and  the  Tree  of  Knowledge. 
The  gods  dreaded  education  and  knowledge  then 
just  as  they  do  now.     The  church  still  faithfully 
guards  the  dangerous  tree  of  knowledge,  and  has 


118  INGERSOLLIA. 

exerted  in  all  ages  her  utmost  power  to  keep  man- 
kind from  eating  the  fruit  thereof.  The  priests  have 
never  ceased  repeating  the  old  falsehood  and  the  old 
threat:  "Ye  shall  not  eat  of  it,  neither  shall  ye 
touch  it,  lest  ye  die." 

200.    The  Church  Cries,  "Believe!" 

The  church  wishes  us  to  believe.  Let  the  church, 
or  one  of  its  intellectual  saints,  perform  a  miracle, 
and  we  will  believe.  We  are  told  that  nature  has  a 
superior.  Let  this  superior,  for  one  single  instant, 
control  nature  arid  we  will  admit  the  truth  of  your 
assertions. 

20  ~.    The  Heretics  Cried,  "Halt!" 

A  few  infidels — a  few  heretics  cried,  "Halt !"  to 
the  great  rabble  of  ignorant  devotion,  and  made  it 
possible  for  the  genius  of  the  nineteenth  century  to 
revolutionize  the  cruel  creeds  and  superstitions  of 
mankind. 

202.    The  World  not  so  Awful  Flat 

According  to  the  Christian  system  this  world  was 
the  centre  of  everything.  The  stars  were  made  out 
of  what  little  God  happened  to  have  left  when  he 
got  the  world  done.  God  lived  up  in  the  sky,  and 
they  said  this  earth  must  rest  upon  something,  and 
finally  science  passed  its  hand  clear  under,  and  there 
was  nothing.  It  was  self-existent  in  infinite  space. 
Then  the  Church  began  to  say  they  didn't  say  it 
was  flat,  not  so  awful  flat — it  was  kind  of  rounding. 


INGERSOLL1A.  119 

According  to  the  ancient  Christians  God  lived  from 
all  eternity,  and  never  worked  but  six  days  in  His 
whole  life,  and  then  had  the  impudence  to  tell  us  to 
be  industrious. 

203.    F.-om  Whence  Come  Wars? 

Christian  nations  are  the  warlike  nations  of  this 
world.  Christians  have  invented  the  most  destruc- 
tive weapons  of  war.  Christianity  gave  us  the 
revolver,  invented  the  rifle,  made  the  bombshell; 
and  Christian  nations  here  and  there  had  above  all 
other  arts  the  art  of  war;  and  as  Christians  they 
have  no  respect  for  the  rights  of  barbarians  or  for 
the  rights  of  any  nation  or  tribe  that  happens  to 
differ  with  them.  See  what  it  does  in  our  society; 
we  are  divided  off  into  little  sects  that  used  to  dis- 
cuss these  questions  with  fire  and  sword,  with  chain 
and  faggot,  and  that  discuss,  some  of  them,  even 
to-day,  with  misrepresentation  and  slander.  Every 
day  something  happens  to  show  me  that  the  old 
spirit  that  that  was  in  the  inquisition  still  slumbers 
in  the  breasts  of  men. 

204.    Another  Day  of  Divine  Work. 

I  heard  of  a  man  going  to  California  over  the 
plains,  and  there  was  a  clergyman  on  board,  and  he 
had  a  great  deal  to  say,  and  finally  he  fell  in  con- 
versation with  the  forty-niner,  and  the  latter  said  to 
the  clergyman,  "  Do  you  believe  that  God  made  this 
world  in  six  days?"  "Yes  I  do."  They  were  then 


120  1NGERSOLL1A. 

going  along  the  Humboldt.  Says  he,  "Don't  you 
think  he  could  put  in  another  day  to  advantage 
right  around  here?" 

205.    The  Donkey  and  the  Lion. 

Owing  to  the  attitude  of  the  churches  for  the  last 
fifteen  hundred  years,  truth-telling  has  not  been  a 
very  lucrative  business.  As  a  rule,  hypocrisy  has 
worn  the  robes,  and  honesty  the  rags.  That  day  is 
passing  away.  You  cannot  now  answer  the  argu- 
ment of  a  man  by  pointing  at  the  holes  in  his  coat. 
Thomas  Paine  attacked  the  Church  when  it  was 
powerful — when  it  had  what  is  called  honors  to 
bestow — when  it  was  the  keeper  of  the  public  con- 
science— when  it  was  strong  and  cruel.  The  Church 
waited  till  he  was  dead,  and  then  attacked  his 
reputation  and  his  clothes.  Once  upon  a  time  a 
donkey  kicked  a  lion,  but  the  lion  was  dead. 

206.    The  Orthodox  Christian.  • 

The  highest  type  of  the  orthodox  Christian  does 
not  forget;  neither  does  he  learn.  He  neither  ad- 
vances nor  recedes.  He  is  a  living  fossil  embedded 
in  that  rock  called  faith.  He  makes  no  effort  to 
better  his  condition,  because  all  his  strength  is  ex- 
hausted in  keeping  other  people  from  improving 
theirs.  The  supreme  desire  of  his  heart  is  to  force 
all  others  to  adopt  his  creed,  and  in  order  to  accom- 
plish this  object  he  denounces  free-thinking  as  a 
crime,  and  this  crime  he  calls  heresy.  When  he  had 


INGERSOLLIA.  121 

power,  heresy  was  the  most  terrible  and  formidable 
of  words.  It  meant  confiscation,  exile,  imprison- 
ment, torture,  and  death. 

207.    Alms-Dish  and  Sword. 

I  will  not  say  the  ChuBch  has  been  an  unmitigated 
evil  in  all  respects.  Its  history  is  infamous  and  glo- 
rious. It  has  delighted  in  the  production  of  ex- 
tremes. It  has  furnished  murderers  for  its  own 
martyrs.  It  has  sometimes  fed  the  body,  but  has 
always  starved  the  soul.  It  has  been  a  charitable 
highwayman — a  profligate  beggar — a  generous 
pirate.  It  has  produced  some  angels  and  a  multi- 
tude of  devils.  It  has  built  more  prisons  than 
asylums.  It  made  a  hundred  orphans  while  it  cared 
for  one.  In  one  hand  it  has  carried  the  alms-dish 
and  in  the  other  a  sword. 

208.    The  Church  the  Great'Robber. 

The  Church  has  been,  and  still  is,  the  great  robber. 
She  has  rifled  not  only  the  pockets  but  the  brains  of 
the  world.  She  is  the  stone  at  the  sepulchre  of 
liberty;  the  upas  tree,  in  whose  shade  the  intellect 
of  man  has  withered;  the  Gorgon  beneath  whose 
gaze  the  human  heart  has  turned  to  stone.  Under 
her  influence  even  the  Protestant  mother  expects  to 
be  happy  in  heaven,  while  her  brave  boy,  who  fell 
fighting  for  the  rights  of  man,  shall  writhe  in  hell. 
209.  The  Church  Impotent. 

The  Church,  impotent  and  malicious,  regrets,  not 


122  INGERSOLL1A. 

the  abuse,  but  the  loss  of  her  power,  and  seeks  to 
hold  by  falsehood  what  she  gained  by  cruelty  and 
force,  by  fire  and  fear.     Christianity  cannot  live  in 
peace  with  any  other  form  of  faith. 
210.    Toleration. 

Let  it  be  remembered  that  all  churches  have  per- 
secuted heretics  to  the  extent  of  their  power.  Toler- 
ation has  increased  only  when  and  where  the  power 
of  the  church  has  diminished.  From  Augustine 
until  now  the  spirit  of  the  Christians  has  remained 
the  same.  There  has  been  the  same  intolerance, 
the  same  undying  hatred  of  all  who  think  for  them- 
selves, and  the  same  determination  to  crush  out  of 
the  human  brain  all  knowledge  inconsistent  with  an 
ignorant  creed. 

211.    Shakespeare's  Plays  v.  Sermons. 

What  would  the  church  people  think  if  the  theat- 
rical people  should  attempt  to  suppress  the  churches? 
What  harm  would  it  do  to  have  an  opera  here  to- 
night? It  would  elevate  us  more  than  to  hear  ten 
thousand  sermons  on  the  worm  that  never  dies. 
There  is  more  practical  wisdom  in  one  of  the  plays 
of  Shakespeare  than  in  all  the  sacred  books  ever 
written.  What  wrong  would  there  be  to  see  one  of 
those  grand  plays  on  Sunday?  There  was  a  time 
when  the  church  would  not  allow  you  to  cook  on 
Sunday.  You  had  to  eat  your  victuals  cold.  There 
was  a  time  they  thought  the  more  miserable  you 
feel  the  better  God  feels. 


INGERSOLLIA.  123 

212.    "Why  Should  the  Church  be  MercifulP 

Give  any  orthodox  church  the  power,  and  to-day 
they  would  punish  heresy  with  whip,  and  chain,  and 
fire.  As  long  as  a  church  deems  a  certain  belief 
essential  to  salvation,  just  so  long  it  will  kill  and 
burn  if  it  has  the  power.  Why  should  the  Church 
pity  a  man  whom  her  God  hates?  Why  should  she 
show  mercy  to  a  kind  and  noble  heretic  whom  her 
God  will  burn  in  eternal  fire  ? 

213.    The  Church  and  the  InfideL 

Cathedrals  and  domes,  and  chimes  and  chants — 
temples  frescoed  and  groined  and  carved,  and  gilded 
with  gold — altars  and  tapers,  and  paintings  of  virgin 
and  babe — censer  and  chalice — chasuble,  paten  and 
alb — organs,  and  anthems  and  incense  rising  to  the 
winged  and  blest — maniple,  amice  and  stole — crosses 
and  crosiers,  tiaras  and  crowns — mitres  and  missals 
and  masses — rosaries,  relics  and  robes^-martyrs  and 
saints,  and  windows  stained  as  with  the  blood  of 
Christ — never,  never  for  one  moment  awed  the  brave, 
proud  spirit  of  the  Infidel.  He  knew  that  all  the 
pomp  and  glitter  had  been  purchased  with  Liberty— 
that  priceless  jewel  of  the  soul.  In  looking  at  the 
cathedral  he  remembered  the  dungeon.  The  music 
of  the  organ  was  loud  enough  to  drown  the  clank  of 
fetters.  He  could  not  forget  that  the  taper  had 
lighted  the  fagot.  He  knew  that  the  cross  adorned 
the  hilt  of  the  sword,  and  so  where  others  worshiped, 
he  wept  and  scorned. 


124  1NGERSOLL1A. 

214.    Back  to  Chaos. 

Suppose  the  Church  could  control  the  world  to- 
day, we  would  go  back  to  chaos  and  old  night, 
philosophy  would  be  branded  as  infamous  ;  science 
would  again  press  its  pale  and  thoughtful  face 
against  the  prison  bars,  and  round  the  limbs  of  lib- 
erty would  climb  the  bigot's  flame. 

215.    Infinite  Impudence  of  the  Church. 

Who  can  imagine  the  infinite  impudence  of  a 
Church  assuming  to  think  for  the  human  race  ? 
Who  can  imagine  the  infinite  impudence  of  a  Church 
that  pretends  to  be  the  mouthpiece  of  God,  and  in 
his  name  threatens  to  inflict  eternal  punishment 
upon  those  who  honestly  reject  its  claims  and  scorn 
its  pretensions  ?  By  what  right  does  a  man,  or  an 
organization  of  men,  or  a  god,  claim  to  hold  a  brain 
in  bondage  ?  When  a  fact  can  be  demonstrated, 
force  is  unnecessary  ;  when  it  cannot  be  demon- 
strated, an  appeal  to  force  is  infamous.  In  the  pres- 
ence of  the  unknown  all  have  an  equal  right  to 
think. 

216.    Wanted!— A  New  Method. 

The  world  is  covered  with  forts  to  protect  Chris- 
tians from  Christians,  and  every  sea  is  covered  with 
iron  monsters  ready  to  blow  Christian  brains  into 
eternal  froth.  Millions  upon  millions  are  annually 
expended  in  the  effort  to  construct  still  more  deadly 
and  terrible  engines  of  death.  Industry  is  crippled, 


INGERSOLLlA.  125 

honest  toil  is  robbed,  and  even  beggary  is  taxed  to 
defray  the  expenses  of   Christian  warfare.     There 
must  be  some  other  way  to  reform  this  world. 
217.    The  Kirk  of  Scotland. 

The  Church  was  ignorant,  bloody,  and  relentless. 
In  Scotland  the  "Kirk"  was  at  the  summit  of  its 
power.  It  was  a  full  sister  of  the  Spanish  Inquisi- 
tion. It  waged  war  upon  human  nature.  It  was 
the  enemy  of  happiness,  the  hater  of  joy,  and  the 
despiser  of  religious  liberty.  It  taught  parents  to 
murder  their  children  rather  than  to  allow  them  to 
propagate  error.  If  the  mother  held  opinions  of 
which  the  infamous  "Kirk"  disapproved,  her  chil- 
dren were  taken  from  her  arms,  her  babe  from  her 
very  bosom,  and  she  was  not  allowed  to  see  them, 
or  to  write  them  a  word.  It  would  not  allow  ship- 
wrecked sailors  to  be  rescued  from  drowning  on 
Sunday.  It  sought  to  annihilate  pleasure,  to  pollute 
the  heart  by  filling  it  with  religious  cruelty  and 
gloom,  and  to  change  mankind  into  a  vast  horde  of 
pious,  heartless  fiends.  One  of  the  most  famous 
Scotch  divines  said:  "  The  Kirk  holds  that  religious 
toleration  is  not  far  from  blasphemy." 

218.    The  Church  Looks  Back. 

The  Church  is,  and  always  has  been,  incapable  of 
a  forward  movement.  Religion  always  looks  back. 
The  Church  has  already  reduced  Spain  to  a  guitar, 
Italy  to  a  hand-organ,  and  Ireland  to  exile. 


126  INGERSOLLIA. 

219.    Diogenes. 

The  Church  used  painting,  music  and  architecture, 
simply  to  degrade  mankind.  But  there  are  men 
that  nothing  can  awe.  There  have  been  at  all  times 
brave  spirits  that  dared  even  the  gods.  Some  proud 
head  has  always  been  above  the  waves.  In  every 
age  some  Diogenes  has  sacrificed  to  all  the  gods. 
True  genius  never  cowers,  and  there  is  always  some 
Samson  feeling  for  the  pillars  of  authority. 
220.  The  Church  and  War. 

It  does  seem  as  though  the  most  zealous  Christian 
must  at  times  entertain  some  doubt  as  to  the  divine 
origin  of  his  religion.  For  eighteen  hundred  years 
the  doctrine  has  been  preached.  For  more  than  a 
thousand  years  the  Church  had,  to  a  great  extent, 
the  control  of  the  civilized  world,  and  what  has  been 
the  result?  Are  the  Christian  nations  patterns  of 
charity  and  forbearance?  On  the  contrary,  their 
principal  business  is  to  destroy  each  other.  More 
than  five  millions  of  Christians  are  trained,  educated, 
and  drilled  to  murder  their  f  ellow-christians.  Every 
nation  is  groaning  under  a  vast  debt  incurred  in 
carrying  on  war  against  other  Christians. 
221.  The  Call  to  Preach. 

An  old  deacon,  wishing  to  get  rid  of  an  unpopular 
preacher,  advised  him  to  give  up  the  ministry  and 
turn  his  attention  to  something  else.  The  preacher 
replied  that  he  could  not  conscientiously  desert  the 


INGEKSOLLIA.  127 

pulpit,  as  he  had  had  a  "call"  to  the  ministry.  To 
which  the  deacon  replied,  "  That  may  be  so,  but  it's 
very  unfortunate  for  you,  that  when  God  called  you 
to  preach,  he  forgot  to  call  anybody  to  hear  you." 

222.    Burning  Servetus. 

The  maker  of  the  Presbyterian  creed  caused  the 
fugitive  Servetus  to  be  arrested  for  blasphemy.  He 
was  tried.  Calvin  was  his  accuser.  He  was  con- 
victed and  condemned  to  death  by  fire.  On  the 
morning  of  the  fatal  day,  Calvin  saw  him,  and  Ser- 
vetus, the  victim,  asked  forgiveness  of  Calvin,  the 
murderer.  Servetus  was  bound  to  the  stake,  and 
the  faggots  were  lighted!  The  wind  carried  the 
flames  somewhat  away  from  his  body,  so  that  he 
slowly  roasted  for  hours.  Vainly  he  implored  a 
speedy  death.  At  last  the  flames  climbed  round 
his  form;  through  smoke  and  fire  his  murderers  saw 
a  white,  heroic  face.  And  there  they  watched  until 
a  man  became  a  charred  and  shriveled  mass.  Lib- 
erty was  banished  from  Geneva,  and  nothing  but 
Presbyterianism  was  left. 

223.    Freedom  for  the  Clergy. 

One  of  the  first  things  I  wish  to  do  is  to  free  the 
orthodox  clergy.  I  am  a  great  friend  of  theirs,  and 
in  spite  of  all  they  may  say  against  me,  I  am  going 
to  do  them  a  great  and  lasting  service.  Upon  their 
necks  are  visible  the  marks  of  the  collar,  and  upon 
their  backs  those  of  the  lash.  They  are  not  allowed 


128  INGERSOLLIA. 

to  read  and  think  for  themselves.  They  are  taught 
like  parrots,  and  the  best  are  those  who  repeat,  with 
the  fewest  mistakes,  the  sentences  they  have  been 
taught.  They  sit  like  owls  upon  some  dead  limb  of 
the  tree  of  knowledge,  and  hoot  the  same  old  hoots 
that  have  been  hooted  for  eighteen  hundred  years. 

224.    The  Pulpit  Weakening. 

There  was  a  time  when  a  falsehood,  fulminated 
from  the  pulpit,  smote  like  a  sword;  but,  the  supply 
having  greatly  exceeded  the  demand,  clerical  mis- 
representation has  at  last  become  almost  an  inno- 
cent amusement.  Remembering  that  only  a  few 
years  ago  men,  women,  and  even  children,  were 
imprisoned,  tortured  and  burned,  for  having  ex- 
pressed in  an  exceedingly  mild  and  gentle  way,  the 
ideas  entertained  by  me,  I  congratulate  myself  that 
calumny  is  now  the  pulpit's  last  resort. 

225.    Origin  of  the  Priesthood. 

This  was  the  origin  of  the  priesthood.  The  priest 
pretended  to  stand  between  the  wrath  of  the  gods 
and  the  helplessness  of  man.  He  was  man's  attor- 
ney at  the  court  of  heaven.  He  carried  to  the  in- 
visible world  a  flag  of  truce,  a  protest  and  a  request. 
He  came  back  with  a  command,  with  authority  and 
with  power.  Man  fell  upon  his  knees  before  his 
own  servant,  and  the  priest,  taking  advantage  of 
the  Q ,w,e  inspired  |)J  his  supposed  influence  with  the 


INGERSOLLIA.  129 

gods,  made  of  his  fellow-man  a  cringing  hypocrite 
and  slave. 

226.    The  Clergy  on  Heaven. 

The  clergy,  however,  balance  all  the  real  ills  of 
this  life  with  the  expected  joys  of  the  next.  We  are 
assured  that  all  is  perfection  in  heaven — there  the 
skies  are  cloudless — there  all  is  serenity  and  peace. 
Here  empires  may  be  overthrown;  dynasties  may 
be  extinguished  in  blood;  millions  of  slaves  may 
toil  'neath  the  fierce  rays  of  the  sun,  and  the  cruel 
strokes  of  the  lash;  yet  all  is  happiness  in  heaven. 
Pestilences  may  strew  the  earth  with  corpses  of  the 
loved;  the  survivors  may  bend  above  them  in  agony 
—yet  the  placid  bosom  of  heaven  is  unruffled. 
Children  may  expire  vainly  asking  for  bread;  babes 
may  be  devoured  by  serpents,  while  the  gods  sit 
smiling  in  the  clouds. 

227.    The  Parson,  the  Crane  and  the  Fish. 

A  devout  clergyman  sought  every  opportunity  to 
impress  upon  the  mind  of  his  son  the  fact,  that  God 
takes  care  of  all  his  creatures;  that  the  falling  spar- 
row attracts  his  attention,  and  that  his  loving-kind- 
ness is  over  all  his  works.  Happening,  one  day.  to 
see  a  crane  wading  in  quest  of  food,  the  good  man 
pointed  out  to  his  son  the  perfect  adaptation  of  the 
crane  to  get  his  living  in  that  manner.  "  See,"  said 
he,  "how his  legs  are  formed  for  wading!  What  a 
long  slender  bill  he  has!  Observe  how  nicely  he 


130  INGERSOLLIA. 

folds  his  feet  when  putting  them  in  or  drawing 
them  out  of  the  water!  He  does  not  cause  the 
slightest  ripple.  He  is  thus  enabled  to  approach 
the  fish  without  giving  them  any  notice  of  his  arri- 
val. My  son,"  said  he,  "it  is  impossible  to  look  at 
that  bird  without  recognizing  the  design,  as  well  as 
the  goodness  of  God,  in  thus  providing  the  means 
of  subsistence."  "  Yes,"  replied  the  boy,  "I  think  I 
see  the  goodness  of  God,  at  least  so  far  as  the  crane 
is  concerned;  but,  after  all,  father,  don't  you  think 
the  arrangement  a  little  tough  on  the  fish?" 
228.  Banish  Me  from  Eden—But! 

Give  me  the  storm  of  tempest  and  action,  rather 
than  the  dead  calm  of  ignorance  and  faith.  Banish 
me  from  Eden  when  you  will;  but  first  let  me  eat  of 
the  fruit  of  the  tree  of  knowledge! 

229.    The  Pulpit's  Cry  of  Fear! 

From  every  pulpit  comes  the  same  cry,  born  of 
the  same  fear:  "  Lest  they  eat  and  become  as  gods, 
knowing  good  and  evil."  For  this  reason,  religion 
hates  science,  faith  detests  reason,  theology  is  the 
sworn  enemy  of  philosophy,  and  the  church  with  its 
flaming  sword  still  guards  the  hated  tree,  and  like 
its  supposed  founder,  curses  to  the  lowest  depths  the 
brave  thinkers  who  eat  and  become  as  gods. 

230.    Restive  Clergymen. 

Some  of  the  clergy  have  the  independence  to 
break  away,  and  the  intellect  to  maintain  them- 


INGERSOLLIA.  131 

selves  as  free  men,  but  the  most  are  compelled  to 
submit  to  the  dictation  of  the  orthodox,  and  the 
dead.  They  are  not  employed  to  give  their  thoughts, 
but  simply  to  repeat  the  ideas  of  others.  They  are 
not  expected  to  give  even  the  doubts  that  may  sug- 
gest themselves,  but  are  required  to  walk  in  the 
narrow,  verdureless  path  trodden  by  the  ignorance 
of  the  past.  The  forests  and  fields  on  either  side 
are  nothing  to  them. 

231.    The  Parson  Factory  at  Andover. 

They  have  in  Massachusetts,  at  a  place  called 
Andover,  a  kind  of  minister-factory;  and  every  pro- 
fessor in  that  factory  takes  an  oath  once  in  every 
five  years — that  is  as  long  as  an  oath  will  last — that 
not  only  has  he  not  during  the  last  five  years,  but  so 
help  him  God,  he  will  not  during  the  next  five  years 
intellectually  advance;  and  probably  there  is  no 
oath  he  could  easier  keep.  Since  the  foundation  of 
that  institution  there  has  not  been  one  case  of  per- 
jury. They  believe  the  same  creed  they  first  taught 
when  the  foundation  stone  was  laid,  and  now  when 
they  send  out  a  minister  they  brand  him  as  hard- 
ware from  Sheffield  and  Birmingham.  And  every 
man  who  knows  where  he  was  educated  knows  his' 
creed,  knows  every  argument  of  his  creed,  every 
book  that  he  reads,  and  just  what  he  amounts  to  in- 
tellectually, and  knows  he  will  shrink  and  shrivel. 


132  INGERSOLLIA. 

232.    A  Charge  to  Presbyteries. 

Go  on,  presbyteries  and  synods,  go  on!  Thrust 
the  heretics  out  of  the  Church — that  is  to  say,  throw 
away  your  brains, — put  out  your  eyes.  The  infidels 
will  thank  you.  They  are  willing  to  adopt  your 
exiles.  Every  deserter  from  your  camp  is  a  recruit 
for  the  army  of  progress.  Cling  to  the  ignorant 
dogmas  of  the  past ;  read  the  109th  Psalm;  gloat 
over  the  slaughter  of  mothers  and  babes;  thank 
God  for  total  depravity;  shower  your  honors  upon 
hypocrites,  and  silence  every  minister  who  is  touched 
with  that  heresy  called  genius.  Be  true  to  your 
history.  Turn  out  the  astronomers,  the  geologists, 
the  naturalists,  the  chemists,  and  all  the  honest 
scientists.  With  a  whip  of  scorpions,  drive  them, 
all  out.  We  want  them  all. 


THE  BIBLE. 


233.    Nature  the  True  Bible. 

The  true  Bible  appeals  to  man  in  the  name  of 
demonstration.  It  has  nothing  to  conceal.  It  has 
no  fear  of  being  read,  of  being  contradicted,  of 
being  investigated  and  understood.  It  does  not 
pretend  to  be  holy,  or  sacred;  it  simply  claims  to  be 
true.  It  challenges  the  scrutiny  of  all,  and  implores 
every  reader  to  verify  every  line  for  himself.  It  is 
incapable  of  being  blasphemed.  This  book  appeals 
to  all  the  surroundings  of  man.  Each  thing  that 
exists  testifies  of  its  perfection.  The  earth,  with  its 
heart  of  fire  and  crowns  of  snow;  with  its  forests 
and  plains,  its  rocks  and  seas;  with  its  every  wave 
and  cloud;  with  its  every  leaf  and  bud  and  flower, 
confirms  its  every  word,  and  the  solemn  stars, 
shining  in  the  infinite  abysses,  are  the  eternal  wit- 
nesses of  its  truth. 

234.    Inspiration. 

I  will  tell  you  what  I  mean  by  inspiration.     I  go 
(133) 


134  INGEKSOLLIA. 

and  look  at  the  sea,  and  the  sea  says  something  to 
me;  it  makes  an  impression  upon  my  mind.  That 
impression  depends,  first,  upon  my  experience; 
secondly,  upon  my  intellectual  capacity.  Another 
looks  upon  the  same  sea.  He  has  a  different  brain, 
he  has  had  a  different  experience,  he  has  different 
memories  and  different  hopes.  The  sea  may  speak 
to  him  of  joy  and  to  me  of  grief  and  sorrow.  The 
sea  cannot  tell  the  same  thing  to  two  beings,  be- 
cause no  two  human  beings  have  had  the  same 
experience.  So,  when  I  look  upon  a  flower,  or  a 
star,  or  a  painting,  or  a  statue,  the  more  I  know 
about  sculpture  the  more  that  statue  speaks  to  me. 
The  more  I  have  had  of  human  experience,  the 
more  I  have  read,  the  greater  brain  I  have,  the 
more  the  star  says  to  me.  In  other  words,  nature 
says  to  me  all  that  I  am  capable  of  understanding. 

335.    The  109th  Psalm! 

Think  of  a  God  wicked  and  malicious  enough  to 
inspire  this  prayer  in  the  109th  Psalm.  Think  of 
one  infamous  enough  to  answer  it.  Had  this  in- 
spired psalm  been  found  in  some  temple  erected  for 
the  worship  of  snakes,  or  in  the  possession  of  some 
cannibal  king,  written  with  blood  upon  the  dried 
skins  of  babes,  there  would  have  been  a  perfect  har- 
mony between  its  surroundings  and  its  sentiments. 

236.    I  Don't  Believe  the  Bible. 

Now,  I  read  the  Bible,  and  I  find  that  God  so 


1NGERSOLL1A.  135 

loved  this  world  that  he  made  up  his  mind  to  damn 
the  most  of  us.  I  have  read  this  book,  and  what 
shall  I  say  of  it?  I  believe  it  is  generally  better  to 
be  honest.  Now,  I  don't  believe  the  Bible.  Had  I 
not  better  say  so?  They  say  that  if  you  do  you  will 
regret  it  when  you  come  to  die.  If  that  be  true,  I 
know  a  great  many  religious  people  who  will  have 
no  cause  to  regret  it — they  don't  tell  their  honest 
convictions  about  the  Bible. 

237.    The  Bible  the  Heal  Persecutor. 

The  Bible  was  the  real  persecutor.  The  Bible 
burned  heretics,  built  dungeons,  founded  the  Inqui- 
sition, and  trampled  upon  all  the  liberties  of  men. 
How  long,  O  how  long  will  mankind  worship  a 
book?  How  long  will  they  grovel  in  the  dust  before 
the  ignorant  legends  of  the  barbaric  past?  How 
long,  O  how  long  will  they  pursue  phantoms  in  a 
darkness  deeper  than  death? 

238.    Immoralities  of  the  Bible. 

The  believers  in  the  Bible  are  loud  in  their  denun- 
ciation of  what  they  are  pleased  to  call  the  immoral 
literature  of  the  world;  and  yet  few  books  have 
been  published  containing  more  moral  filth  than 
this  inspired  word  of  God.  These  stories  are  not 
redeemed  by  a  single  flash  of  wit  or  humor.  They 
never  rise  above  the  dull  details  of  stupid  vice.  For 
one,  I  cannot  afford  to  soil  my  pages  with  extracts 
from  them ;  and  all  such  portions  of  the  Scriptures 


136  ItfGERSGLLlA. 

I  leave  to  be  examined,  written  upon,  and  explained 
by  the  clergy.  Clergymen  may  know  some  way  by 
which  they  can  extract  honey  from  these  flowers. 
Until  these  passages  are  expunged  from  the  Old 
Testament,  it  is  not  a  fit  book  to  be  read  by  either 
old  or  young.  It  contains  pages  that  no  minister  in 
the  United  States  would  read  to  his  congregation  for 
any  reward  whatever.  There  are  chapters  that  no 
gentleman  would  read  in  the  presence  of  a  lady. 
There  are  chapters  that  no  father  would  read  to  his 
child.  There  are  narratives  utterly  unfit  to  be  told; 
and  the  time  will  come  when  mankind  will  wonder 
that  such  a  book  was  ever  called  inspired. 

239.    The  Bible  Stands  in  the  Way. 

But  as  long  as  the  Bible  is  considered  as  the  work 
of  God,  it  will  be  hard  to  make  all  men  too  good  and 
pure  to  imitate  it ;  and  as  long  as  it  is  imitated  there 
will  be  vile  and  filthy  books.  The  literature  of  our 
country  will  not  be  sweet  and  clean  until  the  Bible 
ceases  to  be  regarded  as  the  production  of  a  god. 

240.    The  Bible  False. 

In  the  days  of  Thomas  Paine  the  Church  believed 
and  taught  that  every  word  in  the  Bible  was  abso- 
lutely true.  Since  his  day  it  has  been  proven  false 
in  its  cosmogony,  false  in  its  astronomy,  false  in  its 
chronology,  false  in  its  history,  and  so  far  as  the 
Old  Testament  is  concerned,  false  in  almost  every- 
thing. There  are  but  few,  if  any,  scientific  men 


INGEfcSOLLtA. 

who  apprehend  that  the  Bible  is  literally  true.  Who 
on  earth  at  this  day  would  pretend  to  settle  any  sci- 
entific question  by  a  text  from  the  Bible  ?  The  old 
-belief  is  confined  to  the  ignorant  and  zealous.  The 
Church  itself  will  before  long  be  driven  to  occupy 
the  position  of  Thomas  Paine. 

241.    The  Man  I  Love. 

I  love  any  man  who  gave  me,  or  helped  to  give 
me,  the  liberty  I  enjoy  to-night.  I  love  every  man 
who  helped  put  our  flag  in  heaven.  I  love  every 
man  who  has  lifted  his  voice  in  all  the  ages  for  lib- 
erty, for  a  chainless  body,  and  a  fetterless  brain.  I 
love  every  man  who  has  given  to  every  other  human 
being  every  right  that  he  claimed  for  himself.  I 
love  every  man  who  thought  more  of  principle  than 
he  did  of  position.  I  love  the  men  who  have  tram- 
pled crowns  beneath  their  feet  that  they  might  do 
something  for  mankind. 

242.    Whale,  Jonah  and  All. 

The  best  minds  of  the  orthodox  world,  to-day,  are 
endeavoring  to  prove  the  existence  of  a  personal 
Deity.  All  other  questions  occupy  a  minor  place. 
You  are  no  longer  asked  to  swallow  the  Bible  whole, 
whale,  Jonah  and  all ;  you  are  simply  required  to 
believe  in  God,  and  pay  your  pew-rent.  There  is 
not  now  an  enlightened  minister  in  the  world  who 
will  seriously  contend  that  Samson's  strength  was 
in  his  hair,  or  that  the  necromancers  of  Egypt  could 


138  INGERSOLLtA. 

turn  water  into  blood,  and  pieces  of  wood  into  ser- 
pents.    These  follies  have  passed  away. 

243.  Damned  for  Laughing  at  Samson. 

For  my  part,  I  would  infinitely  prefer  to  know  all 
the  results  of  scientific  investigation,  than  to  be  in- 
spired as  Moses  was.  Supposing  the  Bible  to  be 
true  ;  why  is  it  any  worse  or  more  wicked  for  free- 
thinkers to  deny  it,  than  for  priests  to  deny  the  doc- 
trine of  Evolution,  or  the  dynamic  theory  of  heat  ? 
Why  should  we  be  damned  for  laughing  at  Samson 
and  his  foxes,  while  others,  holding  the  Nebular 
Hypothesis  in  utter  contempt,  go  straight  to  heaven? 

244.  The  Man,  Not  the  Book,  Inspired. 

Now  when  I  come  to  a  book,  for  instance  I  read 
the  writings  of  Shakespeare — Shakespeare,  the  great- 
est human  being  who  ever  existed  upon  this  globe. 
What  do  I  get  out  of  him  ?  All  that  I  have  sense 
enough  to  understand.  I  get  my  little  cup  full.  Let 
another  read  him  who  knows  nothing  of  the  drama, 
who  knows  nothing  of  the  impersonation  of  passion; 
what  does  he  get  from  him  ?  Very  little.  In  other 
words,  every  man  gets  from  a  book,  a  flower,  a  star, 
or  the  sea,  what  he  is  able  to  get  from  his  intellect- 
ual development  and  experience.  Do  ycu  then  be- 
lieve that  the  Bible  is  a  different  book  to  every  hu- 
man being  that  receives  it  ?  I  do.  Can  God,  then, 
thorugh  the  Bible,  make  the  same  revelation  to  two 
men?  He  cannot.  Why  ?  Because  the  man  who 


INGERSOLLIA.  139 

reads  is  the  man  who  inspires.     Inspiration  is  in  the 
man  and  not  in  the  book. 

245.    The  Bible  a  Chain. 

The  real  oppressor,  enslaver  and  corrupter  of  the 
'people  is  the  Bible.  That  book  is  the  chain  that 
binds,  the  dungeon  that  holds  the  clergy.  That 
book  spreads  the  pall  of  superstition  over  the  col- 
leges and  schools.  That  book  puts  out  the  eyes  of 
science,  and  makes  honest  investigation  a  crime. 
That  book  unmans  the  politician  and  degrades  the 
people.  That  book  fills  the  world  with  bigotry,  hy- 
pocrisy and  fear. 

246.    Absurd  and  Foolish  Fables. 

Volumes  might  be  written  upon  the  infinite  ab- 
surdity of  this  most  incredible,  wicked  and  foolish 
of  all  the  fables  contained  in  that  repository  of  the 
impossible,  called  the  Bible.  To  me  it  is  a  matter  of 
amazement,  that  it  ever  was  for  a  moment  believed 
by  any  intelligent  human  being. 

247.    The  Bible  the  Work  of  Man. 

Is  it  not  infinitely  more  reasonable  to  say  that  this 
book  is  the  work  of  man,  that  it  is  filled  with  min- 
gled truth  and  error,  with  mistakes  and  facts,  and 
reflects,  too  faithfully  perhaps,  the  "very  form  and 
pressure  of  its  time?"  If  there  are  mistakes  in  the 
Bible,  certainly  they  were  made  by  man.  If  there 
is  anything  contrary  to  nature,  it  was  written  by 
man.  If  there  is  anything  immoral,  cruel,  heart- 


140  HWERSOLL1A. 

less  or  infamous,  it  certainly  was  never  written  by 
a  being  worthy  of  the  adoration  of  mankind. 

248.     Something  to  Admire,  not  Laugh  at. 

It  strikes  me  that  God  might  write  a  book  that 
would  not  necessarily  excite  the  laughter  of  his  chil- 
dren. In  fact,  I  think  it  would  be  safe  to  say  that  a 
real  God  could  produce  a  work  that  would  excite  the 
admiration  of  mankind. 

249.  An  Intellectual  Deformity. 

The  man  who  now  regards  the  Old  Testament  as, 
in  any  sense,  a  sacred  or  inspired  book,  is,  in  my 
judgment,  an  intellectual  and  moral  deformity. 
There  is  in  it  so  much  that  is  cruel,  ignorant,  and 
ferocious,  that  it  is  to  me  a  matter  of  amazement 
that  it  was  ever  thought  to  be  the  work  of  a  most 
merciful  Deity. 

250.  The  Bible  a  Poor  Product. 

Admitting  that  the  Bible  is  the  Book  of  God,  is 
that  his  only  good  job?  Will  not  a  man  be  damned 
as  quick  for  denying  the  equator  as  denying  the 
Bible?  Will  he  not  be  damned  as  quick  for  denying 
geology  as  for  denying  the  scheme  of  salvation? 
When  the  Bible  was  first  written  it  was  not  believed. 
Had  they  known  as  much  about  science  as  we  know 
now,  that  Bible  would  not  have  been  written. 

251.    The  Bible  the  Battle  Ground  of  Sects. 

Every  sect  is  a  certificate  that  God  has  not  plainly 


1NGERSOLL1A/  141 

revealed  his  will  to  man.  To  each  reader  the  Bible 
conveys  a  different  meaning.  About  the  meaning 
of  this  book,  called  a  revelation,  there  have  been 
ages  of  war,  and  centuries  of  sword  and  flame.  If 
written  by  an  infinite  God,  he  must  have  known 
that  these  results  must  follow;  and  thus  knowing, 
he  must  be  responsible  for  all. 

252.    The  Bible  Childish. 

Paine  thought  the  barbarities  of  the  Old  Testa- 
ment inconsistent  with  what  he  deemed  the  real 
character  of  God.  He  believed  that  murder,  mas- 
sacre and  indiscriminate  slaughter  had  never  been 
commanded  by  the  Deity.  He  regarded  much  of 
the  Bible  as  childish,  unimportant  and  foolish.  The 
scientific  world  entertains  the  same  opinion.  Paine 
attacked  the  Bible  precisely  in  the  same  spirit  in 
which  he  had  attacked  the  pretensions  of  kings. 
He  used  the  same  weapons.  All  the  pomp  in  the 
world  could  not  make  him  cower.  His  reason  knew 
no  "Holy  of  Holies,"  except  the  abode  of  Truth. 
253.  Where  Moses  got  the  Pentateuch. 

Nothing  can  be  clearer  than  that  Moses  received 
from  the  Egyptians  the  principal  parts  of  his  narra- 
tive, making  such  changes  and  additions  as  were 
necessary  to  satisfy  the  peculiar  superstitions  of  his 
own  people. 

254.    God's  Letter  to  His  Children. 

According  to  the  theologians,  God,  the  Father  of 


142  1NGERSOLLIA. 

us  all,  wrote  a  letter  to  his  children.  The  children 
have  always  differed  somewhat  as  to  the  meaning 
of  this  letter.  In  consequence  of  these  honest 
differences,  these  brothers  began  to  cut  out  each 
other's  hearts.  In  every  land,  where  this  letter  from 
God  has  been  read,  the  children  to  whom  and  for 
whom  it  was  written  have  been  filled  with  hatred 
and  malice.  They  have  imprisoned  and  murdered 
each  other,  and  the  wives  and  children  of  each 
other.  In  the  name  of  God  every  possible  crime 
has  been  committed,  every  conceivable  outrage  has 
been  perpetrated.  Brave  men,  tender  and  loving 
women,  beautiful  girls,  and  prattling  babes  have 
been  exterminated  in  the  name  of  Jesus  Christ. 

255.    Examination  a  Crime. 

The  Church  has  burned  honesty  and  rewarded  hy- 
pocrisy. And  all  this,  because  it  was  commanded 
by  a  book — a  book  that  men  had  been  taught  im- 
plicitly to  believe,  long  before  they  knew  one  word 
that  was  in  it.  They  had  been  taught  that  to  doubt 
the  truth  of  this  book — to  examine  it,  even — was  a 
crime  of  such  enormity  that  it  could  not  be  for- 
given, either  in  this  world  or  in  the  next. 

256.    Read  the  Bible— and  Then! 

All  that  is  necessary,  as  it  seems  to  me,  to  con- 
vince any  reasonable  person  that  the  Bible  is  simply 
and  purely  of  human  invention — of  barbarian  in- 
vention—is to  read  it.  Read  it  as  you  would  any 


INGERSOLLIA.  143 

other  book;  think  of  it  as  you  would  any  other;  get 
the  bandage  of  reverence  from  your  eyes;  drive 
from  your  heart  the  phantom  of  fear;  push  from  the 
throne  of  your  brain  the  cowled  form  of  supersti- 
tion— then  read  the  Holy  Bible,  and  you  will  be 
amazed  that  you  ever,  for  one  moment,  supposed  a 
being  of  infinite  wisdom,  goodness  and  purity,  to 
be  the  author  of  such  ignorance  and  such  atrocity. 

257.    An  Infallible  Book  Makes  Slaves. 

Whether  the  Bible  is  false  or  true,  is  of  no  conse- 
quence in  comparison  with  the  mental  freedom  of 
the  race.  Salvation  through  slavery  is  worthless. 
Salvation  from  slavery  is  inestimable.  As  long  as 
man  believes  the  Bible  to  be  infallible,  that  book  is 
his  master.  The  civilization  of  this  century  is  not 
the  child  of  faith,  but  of  unbelief — the  result  of  free 
thought. 

258.    Can  a  Sane  Man  Believe  in  Inspiration? 

What  man  who  ever  thinks,  can  believe  that 
blood  can  appease  God?  And  yet  our  entire  system 
of  religion  is  based  on  that  belief.  Tne  Jews  pacified 
Jehovah  with  the  blood  of  animals,  and  according 
to  the  Christian  system,  the  blood  of  Jesus  softened 
the  heart  of  God  a  little,  and  rendered  possible  the 
salvation  of  a  fortunate  few.  It  is  hard  to  conceive 
how  any  sane  man  can  read  the  Bible  and  still 
believe  in  the  doctrine  of  inspiration. 


144  INGERSOLLIA. 

259.    An  Inspiration  Test. 

The  Bible  was  originally  written  in  the  Hebrew 
language,  and  the  Hebrew  language  at  that  time 
had  no  vowels  in  writing.  It  was  written  entirely 
with  consonants,  and  without  being  divided  into 
chapters  and  verses,  and  there  was  no  system  of 
punctuation  whatever.  After  you  go  home  to-night 
write  an  English  sentence  or  two  with  only  conso- 
nants close  together,  and  you  will  find  that  it  will 
take  twice  as  much  inspiration  to  read  it  as  it  did 
to  write  it. 

260.    The  Real  Bible. 

The  real  Bible  is  not  the  work  of  inspired  men, 
nor  prophets,  nor  evangelists,  nor  of  Christs.  The 
real  Bible  has  not  yet  been  written,  but  is  being 
written.  Every  man  who  finds  a  fact  adds  a  word 
to  this  great  book. 

261.    The  Bad  Passages  in  the  Bible  not  Inspired. 

The  bad  passages  in  the  Bible  are  not  inspired. 
No  God  ever  upheld  human  slavery,  polygamy  or  a 
war  of  extermination.  No  God  ever  ordered  a 
soldier  to  sheathe  his  sword  in  the  breast  of  a  mother. 
No  God  ever  ordered  a  warrior  to  butcher  a  smiling, 
prattling  babe.  No  God  ever  upheld  tyranny.  No 
God  ever  said,  be  subject  to  the  powers  that  be.  No 
God  ever  endeavored  to  make  man  a  slave  and 
woman  a  beast  of  burden.  There  are  thousands  of 
good  passages  in  the  JBible.  Many  of  them  are  true, 


INGERSOLLIA.  145 

There  are  in  it  wise  laws,  good  customs,  some  lofty 
and  splendid  things.  And  I  do  not  care  whether 
they  are  inspired  or  not,  so  they  are  true.  But 
what  I  do  insist  upon  is  that  the  bad  is  not  inspired. 
262.  Too  much  Pictorial. 

There  is  no  hope  for  you.  It  is  just  as  bad  to  deny 
hell  as  it  is  to  deny  heaven.  Prof.  Swing  says  the 
Bible  is  a  poem.  Dr.  Ryder  says  it  is  a  picture. 
The  Garden  of  Eden  is  pictorial;  a  pictorial  snake 
and  a  pictorial  woman,  I  suppose,  and  a  pictorial 
man,  and  may  be  it  was  a  pictorial  sin.  And  only 
a  pictorial  atonement! 

263.    One  Plow  worth  a  Million  Sermons. 

Man  must  learn  to  rely  upon  himself.  Reading 
Bibles  will  not  protect  him  from  the  blasts  of  winter, 
but  houses,  fire  and  clothing  will.  To  prevent 
famine  one  plow  is  worth  a  million  sermons,  and 
even  patent  medicines  will  cure  more  diseases  than 
all  the  prayers  uttered  since  the  beginning  of  the 
world. 


INFIDELS. 


264.    The  Infidels  of  1776. 

By  the  efforts  of  these  infidels — Paine,  Jefferson 
and  Franklin — the  name  of  God  was  left  out  of  the 
Constitution  of  the  United  States.  They  knew  that 
if  an  infinite  being  was  put  in,  no  room  would  be 
left  for  the  people.  They  knew  that  if  any  church 
was  made  the  mistress  of  the  state,  that  mistress, 
like  all  others,  would  corrupt,  weaken,  and  destroy. 
Washington  wished  a  church,  established  by  law, 
in  Virginia.  He  was  prevented  by  Thomas  Jeffer- 
son. It  was  only  a  little  while  ago  that  people  were 
compelled  to  attend  church  by  law  in  the  Eastern 
States,  and  taxes  were  raised  for  the  support  of 
churches  the  same  as  for  the  construction  of  high- 
ways and  bridges.  The  great  principle  enunciated 
in  the  Constitution  has  silently  repealed  most  of 
these  laws.  In  the  presence  of  this  great  instrument 
the  constitutions  of  the  States  grew  small  and  mean, 
and  in  a  few  years  every  law  that  puts  a  chain  upon 

(146) 


INGERSOLLIA.  14? 

the  mind,  except  in  Delaware,  will  be  repealed,  and 

for  these  our  children  may  thank  the  infidels  of  1776. 

265.    The  Legitimate  Influence  of  Religion. 

Religion  should  have  the  influence  upon  mankind 
that  its  goodness,  that  its  morality,  its  justice,  its 
charity,  its  reason  and  its  argument  give  it,  and  no 
more.  Religion  should  have  the  effect  upon  man- 
kind that  it  necessarily  has,  and  no  more. 
266.  Infidels  the  Flowers  of  the  World. 

The  infidels  have  been  the  brave  and  thoughtful 
men;  the  flower  of  all  the  world;  the  pioneers  and 
heralds  of  the  blessed  day  of  liberty  'end  love;  the 
generous  spirits  of  the  unworthy  past;  the  seers  and 
prophets  of  our  race;  the  great  chivalric  souls, 
proud  victors  on  the  battle-fields  of  thought,  the 
creditors  of  all  the  years  to  be. 

267.    The  Noblest  Sons  ofj  Earth, 

Who  at  the  present  day  can  imagine  the  courage, 
the  devotion  to  principle,  the  intellectual  and  moral 
grandeur  it  once  required  to  be  an  infidel,  to  brave 
the  Church,  her  racks,  her  fagots,  her  dungeons, 
her  tongues  of  fire — to  defy  and  scorn  her  heaven 
and  her  hell — her  devil  and  her  God?  They  were 
the  noblest  sons  of  earth.  They  were  the  real  saviors 
of  our  race,  the  destroyers  of  superstition,  and  the 
creators  of  Science.  They  were  the  real  Titans  who 
bared  their  grand  foreheads  to  all  the  thunderbolts 
of  all  the  gods. 


148  INGERSOLLIA. 

268.    How  Ingersoll  became  an  Infidel. 

I  may  say  right  here  that  the  Christian  idea  that 
any  God  can  make  me  His  friend  by  killing  mine  is 
about  as  great  a  mistake  as  could  be  made.  They 
seem  to  have  the  idea  that  just  as  soon  as  God  kills 
all  the  people  that  a  person  loves,  he  will  then  begin 
to  love  the  Lord.  What  drew  my  attention  first  to 
these  questions  was  the  doctrine  of  eternal  punish- 
ment. This  was  so  abhorrent  to  my  mind  that  I 
began  to  hate  the  book  in  which  it  was  taught. 
Then,  in  reading  law,  going  back  to  find  the  origin 
of  laws,  I  found  one  had  to  go  but  a  little  way  be- 
fore the  legislator  and  priest  united.  This  led  me 
to  study  a  good  many  of  the  religions  of  the  world. 
At  first  I  was  greatly  astonished  to  find  most  of 
them  better  than  ours.  I  then  studied  our  own  sys- 
tem to  the  best  of  my  ability,  and  found  that  people 
were  palming  off  upon  children  and  upon  one 
another  as  the  inspired  words  of  God  a  book  that 
upheld  slavery,  polygamy,  and  almost  every  other 
crime.  Whether  I  am  right  or  wrong,  I  became 
convinced  that  the  Bible  is  not  an  inspired  book, 
and  then  the  only  question  for  me  to  settle  was  as 
to  whether  FI  should  say  what  I  believed  or  not. 
This  realty  was  not  the  question  in  my  mind,  be- 
cause, before  even  thinking  of  such  a  question,  I 
expressed  my  belief,  and  I  simply  claim  that  right, 
and  expect  to  exercise  it  as  long  as  I  live.  I  may 


INGERSOLLIA.  149 

be  damned  for  it  in  the  next  world,  but  it  is  a  great 
source  of  pleasure  to  me  in  this. 

269.    Why  Should  Infidels  Die  in  FearP 

Why  should  it  be  taken  for  granted  that  the  men 
who  devoted  their  lives  to  the  liberation  of  their  fel- 
lowmen  should  have  been  hissed  at  in  the  hour  of 
death  by  the  snakes  of  conscience,  while  men  who 
defended  slavery — practiced  polygamy — justified  the 
stealing  of  babes  from  the  breasts  of  mothers,  and 
lashed  the  naked  back  of  unpaid  labor,  are  supposed 
to  have  passed  smilingly  from  earth  to  the  embraces 
of  the  angels?  Why  should  we  think  that  the  brave 
thinkers,  the  investigators,  the  honest  men  must 
have  left  the  crumbling  shore  of  time  in  dread  and 
fear,  while  the  instigators  of  the  massacre  of  St. 
Bartholomew,  the  inventors  and  users  of  thumb 
screws,  of  iron  boots  and  racks,  the  burners  and 
tearers  of  human  flesh,  the  stealers,  the  whippers, 
and  the  enslavers  of  men,  the  buyers  and  beaters  of 
maidens,  mothers,  and  babes,  the  founders  of  the 
inquisition,  the  makers  of  chains,  the  builders  of 
dungeons,  the  calumniators  of  the  living,  the  slan- 
derers of  the  dead,  and  even  the  murderers  of  Jesus 
Christ,  all  died  in  the  odor  of  sanctity,  with  white, 
forgiven  hands  folded  upon  the  breasts  of  peace, 
while  the  destroyers  of  prejudice,  the  breakers  of 
fetters,  the  creators  of  light,  died  surrounded  by  the 
fierce  fiends  of  God? 


150  INGERSOLLIA. 

270.    Infidelity  is  Liberty. 

Infidelity  is  liberty;  all  religion  is  slavery.  In 
every  creed  man  is  the  slave  of  God — woman  is 
the  slave  of  man  and  the  sweet  children  are  the 
slaves  of  all.  We  do  not  want  creeds;  we  want 
knowledge — we  want  happiness. 

271.    The  World  in  Debt  to  Infidels. 

What  would  the  world  be  if  infidels  had  never  been? 
Let  us  be  honest.  Did  all  the  priests  of  Rome  in- 
crease the  mental  wealth  of  man  as  much  as  Bruno? 
Did  all  the  priests  of  France  do  as  great  a  work  for 
the  civilization  of  the  world  as  Diderot  and  Vol- 
taire? Did  all  the  ministers  of  Scotland  add  as 
much  to  the  sum  of  human  knowledge  as  David 
Hume?  Have  all  the  clergymen,  monks,  friars, 
ministers,  priests,  bishops,  cardinals,  and  popes, 
from  the  day  of  Pentecost  to  the  last  election,  done 
as  much  for  human  liberty  as  Thomas  Paine? 
272.  Infidels  the  Pioneers  of  Progress. 

The  history  of  intellectual  progress  is  written  in 
the  lives  of  infidels.  Political  rights  have  been 
preserved  by  traitors — the  liberty  of  the  mind  by 
heretics.  To  attack  the  king  was  treason — to  dis- 
pute the  priest  was  blasphemy.  The  sword  and 
cross  were  allies.  They  defended  each  other.  The 
throne  and  the  altar  were  twins — vultures  from  the 
same  egg.  It  was  James  I.  who  said:  "No  bishop, 
no  king."  He  might  have  said:  "No  cross,  no 


INGERSOLL1AJ  151 

crown."  The  king  owned  the  bodies,  and  the  priest 
the  souls,  of  men.  One  lived  on  taxes,  the  other  on 
alms.  One  was  a  robber,  the  other  a  beggar.  These 
robbers  and  beggars  controlled  two  worlds.  The 
king  made  laws,  the  priest  made  creeds.  With 
bowed  backs  the  people  received  the  burdens  of  the 
one,  and,  with  wonder's  open  mouth,  the  dogmas  of 
the  other.  If  any  aspired  to  be  free,  they  were 
slaughtered  by  the  king,  and  every  priest  was  a 
Herod  who  slaughtered  the  children  of  the  brain. 
The  king  ruled  by  force,  the  priest  by  fear,  and  both 
by  both.  The  king  said  to  the  people:  "  God  made 
you  peasants,  and  He  made  me  king.  He  made 
rags  and  hovels  for  you,  robes  and  palaces  for  me. 
Such  is  the  justice  of  God."  And  the  priest  said: 
"  God  made  you  ignorant  and  vile.  He  made  me 
holy  and  wise.  If  you  do  not  obey  me,  God  will 
punish  you  here  and  torment  you  hereafter.  Such 
is  the  mercy  of  God." 

273.  Infidels  the  Great  Discoverers. 
Infidels  are  the  intellectual  discoverers.  They 
sail  the  unknown  seas,  and  in  the  realms  of  thought 
they  touch  the  shores  of  other  worlds.  An  infidel  is 
the  finder  of  a  new  fact — one  who  in  the  mental  sky 
has  seen  another  star.  He  is  an  intellectual  capital- 
ist, and  for  that  reason  excites  the  envy  of  theo- 
logical paupers. 

274.    The  Altar  of  Reason. 

Virtue  is  a  subordination  of  the  passions  to  the 


152  INGERSOLLIA. 

intellect.  It  is  to  act  in  accordance  with  your 
highest  convictions.  It  does  not  consist  in  believ- 
ing, but  in  doing.  This  is  the  sublime  truth  that 
the  Infidels  in  all  ages  have  uttered.  They 
have  handed  the  torch  from  one  to  the  other  through 
all  the  years  that  have  fled.  Upon  the  altar  of  rea- 
son they  have  kept  the  sacred  fire,  and  through  the 
long  midnight  of  faith  they  fed  the  divine  flame. 


275.    Every  Nation  has  Created  a  God. 

Each  nation  has  created  a  God,  and  the  God  has 
always  resembled  his  creators.  He  hated  and  loved 
what  they  hated  and  loved.  Each  God  was  intense- 
ly patriotic,  and  detested  all  nations  but  his  own. 
All  these  gods  demanded  praise,  flattery  and  wor- 
ship. Most  of  them  were  pleased  with  sacrifice,  and 
the  smell  of  innocent  blood  has  evei*  been  considered 
a  divine  perfume.  All  these  gods  have  insisted  on 
having  a  vast  number  of  priests,  and  the  priests 
have  always  insisted  upon  being  supported  by  the 
people  ;  and  the  principle  business  _of  these  priests 
has  been  to  boast  that  their  God  could  easily  van- 
quish all  the  other  gods  put  together. 

276.    Gods  with  Back-Hair. 

Man,  having  always  been  the  physical  superior  of 
woman,  accounts  for  the  fact  that  most  of  the  high 
gods  have  been  males.  Had  women  been  the  phys- 
ical superior;  the  powers  supposed  to  be  the  rulers  of 

(153) 


154  INGERSOLLIA. 

Nature  would  have  been  woman,  and  instead  of  be- 
ing represented  in  the  apparel  of  man,  they  would 
have  luxuriated  in  trains,  low-necked  dresses,  laces 
and  back-hair. 

277.    Creation  the  Decomposition  of  the  Infinite. 

Admitting  that  a  god  did  create  the  universe,  the 
question  then  arises,  of  what  did  he  create  it  ?  It 
certainly  was  not  made  of  nothing.  Nothing,  con- 
sidered in  the  light  of  a  raw  material,  is  a  most 
decided  failure.  It  follows,  then,  that  the  god  must 
have  made  the  universe  out  of  himself,  he  being  the 
only  existence.  The  universe  is  material,  and  if  it 
was  made  of  god,  the  god  must  have  been  material. 
With  this  very  thought  in  his  mind,  Anaximander 
of  Miletus,  said  :  "  Creation  is  the  decomposition  of 
the  infinite." 

278.    The  Gods  Are  as  the  People  Are. 

No  god  was  ever  in  advance  of  the  nation  that 
created  him.  The  negroes  represented  their  deities 
with  black  skins  and  curly  hair:  The  Mongolian 
gave  to  his  a  yellow  complexion  and  dark  almond- 
shaped  eyes.  The  Jews  were  not  allowed  to  paint 
theirs,  or  we  should  have  seen  Jehovah  with  a  full 
beard,  an  oval  face,  and  an  aquiline  nose.  Zeus 
was  a  perfect  Greek,  and  Jove  looked  as  though  a 
member  of  the  Roman  senate.  The  gods  of  Egypt 
had  the  patient  face  and  placid  look  of  the  loving 
people  who  made  them.  The  gods  of  northern  coun- 


INGERSOLLIA.^  155 

tries  were  represented  warmly  clad  in  robes  of  fur  ; 
those  of  the  tropics  were  naked.  The  gods  of  India 
were  often  mounted  upon  elephants  ;  those  of  some 
islanders  were  great  swimmers,  and  the  deities  of 
the  Arctic  zone  were  passionately  fond  of  whale's 
blubber. 

279.    Gods  Shouldn't  Make  Mistakes. 

Generally  the  devotee  has  modeled  them  after 
himself,  and  has  given  them  hands,  heads,  feet, 
eyes,  ears,  and  organs  of  speech.  Each  nation 
made  its  gods  and  devils  not  only  speak  its  lan- 
guage, but  put  in  their  mouths  the  same  mistakes 
in  history,  geography,  astronomy,  and  in  all  matters 
of  fact,  generally  made  by  the  people. 

280.    Miracles. 

No  one,  in  the  world's  whole  history,  ever  at- 
tempted to  substantiate  a  truth  by  a  miracle.  Truth 
scorns  the  assistance  of  miracle.  ^Nothing  but  false- 
hood ever  attested  itself  by  signs  and  wonders.  No 
miracle  ever  was  performed,  and  no  sane  man  ever 
thought  he  had  performed  one,  and  until  one  is  per- 
formed, there  can  be  no  evidence  of  the  existence 
of  any  power  superior  to,  and  independent  of  nature. 
281.  Plenty  of  Gods  on  Hand. 

Man  has  never  been  at  a  loss  for  gods.  He  has 
worshipped  almost  everything,  including  the  vilest 
and  most  disgusting  beasts.  He  has  worshipped 
fire,  earth,  air,  water,  light,  stars,  and  for  hundreds 


156  INGERSOLL1A. 

of  ages  prostrated  himself  before  enormous  snakes. 
Savage  tribes  often  make  gods  of  "articles  they  get 
from  civilized  people.  The  Todas  worship  a  cow- 
bell. The  Kodas  worship  two  silver  plates,  which 
they  regard  as  husband  and  wife,  and  another  tribe 
manufactured  a  god  out  of  a  king  of  hearts. 

282.    The  Devil  Difficulty. 

In  the  olden  times  the  existence  of  devils  was 
universally  admitted.  The  people  had  no  doubt 
upon  that  subject,  and  from  such  belief  it  followed 
as  a  matter  of  course,  that  a  person,  in  order  to  van- 
quish these  devils,  had  either  to  be  a  god,  or  to  be 
assisted  by  one.  All  founders  of  religions  have  es- 
tablished their  claims  to  divine  origin  by  controlling 
evil  spirits  and  suspending  the  laws  of  nature. 
Casting  out  devils  was  a  certificate  of  divinity.  A 
prophet,  unable  to  cope  with  the  powers  of  darkness, 
was  regarded  with  contempt.  The  utterance  of  the 
highest  and  noblest  sentiments,  the  most  blameless 
and  holy  life,  commanded  but  little  respect,  unless 
accompanied  by  power  to  work  miracles  and  com- 
mand spirits. 

283.    Was  the  Devil  an  Idiot? 

The  Christians  now  claim  that  Jesus  was  God. 
If  he  was  God,  of  course  the  devil  knew  that  fact, 
and  yet,  according  to  this  account,  the  devil  took 
the  omnipotent  God  and  placed  him  upon  a  pinna- 
cle of  the  temple,  and  endeavored  to  induce  him  to 


INGERSOLLIA.  15? 

dash  himself  against  the  earth.  Failing  in  that,  he 
took  the  creator,  owner  and  governor  of  the  uni- 
verse up  into  an  exceeding  high  mountain,  and 
offered  him  this  world — this  grain  of  sand — if  he, 
the  God  of  all  the  worlds,  would  fall  down  and  wor- 
ship him,  a  poor  devil,  without  even  a  tax  title  to 
one  foot  of  dirt!  Is  it  possible  the  devil  was  such  an 
idiot?  Should  any  great  credit  be  given  to  this 
deity  for  not  being  caught  with  such  chaff?  Think 
of  it!  The  devil — the  prince  of  sharpers — the  king 
of  cunning — the  master  of  finesse,  trying  to  bribe 
God  with  a  grain  of  sand  that  belonged  to  God! 

284.    Industrious  Deities. 

Few  nations  have  been  so  poor  as  to  have  but  one 
god.  Gods  were  made  so  easily,  and  the  raw  ma- 
terial cost  so  little,  that  generally  the  god  market 
was  fairly  glutted,  and  heaven  crammed  with  these 
phantoms.  These  gods  not  only  attended  to  the 
skies,  but  were  supposed  to  interfere  in  all  the 
affairs  of  men.  They  presided  over  everybody  and 
everything.  They  attended  to  every  department. 
All  was  supposed  to  be  under  their  immediate  con- 
trol. Nothing  was  too  small — nothing  too  large; 
the  falling  of  sparrows  and  the  motions  of  the  plan- 
ets were  alike  attended  to  by  these  ^industrious  and 
observing  deities. 

285.    Ood  in  Idleness. 
If  a  god  created  the  universe,  then,  there  must 


158  1NGERSOLL1A. 

have  been  a  time  when  he  commenced  to  create. 
Back  of  that  time  there  must  have  been  an  eternity, 
during  which  there  had  existed  nothing — absolutely 
nothing — except  this  supposed  god.  According  to 
this  theory,  this  god  spent  an  eternity,  so  to  speak, 
in  an  infinite  vacuum,  and  in  perfect  idleness. 

286.    Fancy  a  Devil  Drowning  a  World. 

One  of  these  gods,  according  to  the  account, 
drowned  an  entire  world,  with  the  exception  of 
eight  persons.  The  old,  the  young,  the  beautiful 
and  the  helpless  were  remorselessly  devoured  by  the 
shoreless  sea.  This,  the  most  fearful  tragedy  that 
the  imagination  of  ignorant  priests  ever  conceived, 
was  the  act,  not  of  a  devil,  but  of  a  god,  so-called, 
whom  men  ignorantly  worship  unto  this  day.  What 
a  stain  such  an  act  would  leave  upon  the  character 
of  a  devil! 

287.    Some  Gods  Very  Particular  About  Little  Things. 

From  their  starry  thrones  they  frequently  came 
to  the  earth  for  the  purpose  of  imparting  informa- 
tion to  man.  It  is  related  of  one  that  he  came  amid 
thunderings  and  lightnings  in  order  to  tell  the  people 
that  they  should  not  cook  a  kid  in  its  mother's  milk. 
Some  left  their  shining  abodes  to  tell  women  that 
they  should,  or  should  not,  have  children,  to  inform 
a  priest  how  to  cut  and  wear  his  apron,  and  to  give 
directions  as  to  the  proper  manner  of  cleaning  the 
intestines  of  a  bird. 


INGERSOLLIA.  159 

288.    The  Gods  of  To-day  the  Scorn  of  To-morrow. 

Nations,,  like  individuals,  have  their  periods  of 
youth,  of  manhood  and  decay.  Religions  are  the 
same.  The  same  inexorable  destiny  awaits  them 
all.  The  gods  created  by  the  nations  must  perish 
with  their  creators.  They  were  created  by  men, 
and  like  men,  they  must  pass  away.  The  deities  of 
one  age  are  the  by-words  of  the  next. 

289.    No  Evidence  of  a  God  in  Nature. 

The  best  minds,  even  in  the  religious  world,  ad- 
mit that  in  the  material  nature  there  is  no  evidence 
of  what  they  are  pleased  to  call  a  god. ,  They  find 
their  evidence  in  the  phenomena  of  intelligence, 
and  very  innocently  assert  that  intelligence  is  above, 
and  in  fact,  opposed  to  nature.  They  insist  that 
man,  at  least,  is  a  special  creation  ;  that  he  has 
somewhere  in  his  brain  a  divine  spark,  a  little  por- 
tion of  the  "  Great  First  Cause."  They  say  that 
matter  cannot  produce  thought ;  but  that  thought 
can  produce  matter.  They  tell  us  that  man  has  in- 
telligence, and  therefore  there  must  be  an  intelli- 
gence greater  than  his.  Why  not  say,  God  has  in- 
telligence, therefore  there  must  be  an  intelligence 
greater  than  his  ?  So  far  as  we  know,  there  is  no 
intelligence  apart  from  matter.  We  cannot  con- 
ceive of  thought,  except  as  produced  within  a  brain. 

290.    Great  Variety  in  Gods. 

Gods  have  been  manufactured  after  numberless 


160  INGERSOLLIA. 

models,  and  according  to  the  most  grotesque  fash- 
ions. Some  have  a  thousand  arms,  some  a  hundred 
heads,  some  are  adorned  with  necklaces  of  living 
snakes,  some  are  armed  with  clubs,  some  with  sword 
and  shield,  some  with  bucklers,  and  some  have  wings 
as  a  cherub  ;  some  were  invisible,  some  would  show 
themselves  entire,  and  some  would  only  show  their 
backs  ;  some  were  jealous,  some  were  foolish,  some 
turned  themselves  into  men,  some  into  swans,  some 
into  bulls,  some  into  doves,  and  some  into  Holy 
Ghosts,  and  made  love  to  the  beautiful  daughters  of 
men.  Some  were  married — all  ought  to  have  been — 
and  some  were  considered  as  old  bachelors  from  all 
eternity.  Some  had  children,  and  the  children  were 
turned  into  gods  and  worshiped  as  their  fathers  had 
been.  Most  of  these  gods  were  revengeful,  savage, 
lustful,  and  ignorant.  As  they  generally  depended 
upon  their  priests  for  information,  their  ignorance 
can  hardly  excite  our  astonishment. 

291.    God  Grows  Smaller. 

"  But,"  says  the  religionist,  "  you  cannot  explain 
everything ;  and  that  which  you  cannot  explain, 
that  which  you  do  not  comprehend,  is  my  God." 
We  are  explaining  more  every  day.  We  are  under- 
standing more  every  day ;  consequently  your  God  is 
growing  smaller  every  day. 

292.    Give  the  Devil  His  Due. 

If  the  account  given  in  Genesis  is  really  true, 


INGERSOLLIA.  161 

ought  we  not,  after  all,  to  thank  this  serpent?  He 
was  the  first  schoolmaster,  the  first  advocate  of 
learning,  the  first  enemy  of  ignorance,  the  first  to 
whisper  in  human  ears  the  sacred  word  liberty,  the 
creator  of  ambition,  the  author  of  modesty,  of  in- 
quiry, of  doubt,  of  investigation,  of  progress  and 
of  civilization. 

293.    Casting  out  Devils. 

Even  Christ,  the  supposed  son  of  God,  taught  that 
persons  were  possessed  of  evil  spirits,  and  frequent- 
ly, according  to  the  account,  gave  proof  of  his 
divine  origin  and  mission  by  frightening  droves  of 
devils  out  of  his  unfortunate  countrymen.  Casting 
out  devils  was  his  principal  employment,  and  the 
devils  thus  banished  generally  took  occasion  to  ack- 
nowledge him  as  the  true  Messiah;  which  was  not 
only  very  kind  of  them,  but  quite  fortunate  for  him. 
294.  On  the  Horns  of  a  Dilemma. 

The  history  of  religion  is  simply  the  story  of 
man's  efforts  in  all  ages  to  avoid  one  of  two  great 
powers,  and  to  pacify  the  other.  Both  powers  have 
inspired  little  else  than  abject  fear.  The  cold,  cal- 
culating sneer  of  the  devil,  and  the  frown  of  God, 
were  equally  terrible.  In  any  event,  man's  fate 
was  to  be  arbitrarily  fixed  forever  by  an  unknown 
power  superior  to  all  law,  and  to  all  fact. 
295.  The  Devil  and  the  Swine. 

How  are  you  going  to  prove  a  miracle?    How 


162  INGERSOLLIA. 

would  you  go  to  work  to  prove  that  the  devil  entered 
into  a  drove  of  swine?  Who  saw  it,  and  who  would 
know  a  devil  if  he  did  see  him? 

296.  How  can  I  assist  God? 

Some  tell  me  that  it  is  the  desire  of  God  that  I 
should  worship  Him?  ,  What  for?  That  I  should 
sacrifice  something  to  Him?  What  for?  Is  he  in 
want?  Can  I  assist  Him?  If  he  is  in  want  and  I 
can  assist  Him  and  will  not,  I  would  be  an  ingrate 
and  an  infamous  wretch.  But  I  am  satisfied  that  I 
cannot  by  any  possibility  assist  the  infinite.  Whom 
can  I  assist?  My  fellow  men.  I  can  help  feed  the- 
hungry,  clothe  the  naked,  enlighten  ignorance.  I 
can  help  at  least,  in  some  degree,  toward  covering 
this  world  with  a  mantle  of  joy  I  may  be  wrong, 
but  I  do  not  believe  that  there  is  any  being  in  this 
universe  who  gives  rain  for  praise,  who  gives  sun- 
shine for  prayer,  or  who  blesses  a  man  simply  be- 
cause he  kneels. 

297.  -Can  God  be  Improved?  • 

If  the  infinite  "Father  "  allows  a  majority  of  his 
children  to  live  in  ignorance  and  wretchedness  now, 
what  evidence  is  there  that  he  will  ever  improve 
their  condition?  Will  God  have  more  power?  Will 
he  become  more  merciful?  Will  his  love  for  his 
poor  creatures  increase?  Can  the  conduct  of  infinite 
wisdom,  power  and  love  ever  change?  Is  the  in- 
finite capable  of  any  improvement  whatever? 


INGERSOLLIA.  163 

298.    That  Dreadful  Apple! 

According  to  the  theologians,  God  prepared  this 
globe  expressly  for  the  habitation  of  his  loved  chil- 
dren, and  yet  he  filled  the  forests  with  ferocious 
beasts j  placed  serpents  in  every  path;  stuffed  the 
world  with  earthquakes,  and  adorned  its  surface 
with  mountains  of  flame.  Notwithstanding  all 
this,  we  are  told  that  the  world  is  perfect;  that  it 
was  created  by  a  perfect  being,  and  is  therefore 
necessarily  perfect.  The  next  moment,  these  same 
persons  will  tell  us  that  the  world  was  cursed; 
covered  with  brambles,  thistles  and  thorns,  and  that 
man  was  doomed  to  disease  and  dearth,  simply  be- 
cause our  poor,  dear  mother  ate  an  apple  contrary 
to  the  command  of  an  arbitrary  God. 

299.    The  Devils  better  than  the  Gods. 

Our  ancestors  not  only  had  their  God-factories, 
but  they  made  devils  as  well.  These  devils  were 
generally  disgraced  and  fallen  gods.  These  devils 
generally  sympathized  with  man.  In  nearly  all  the 
theologies,  mythologies  and  religions,  the  devils 
have  been  much  more  humane  and  merciful  than 
the  gods.  No  devil  ever  gave  one  of  his  generals 
an  order  to  kill  children  and  to  rip  open  the  bodies 
of  pregnant  women.  Such  barbarities  were  always 
ordered  by  the  good  gods!  The  pestilences  were 
sent  by  the  most  merciful  gods!  The  frightful 
famine,  during  which  the  dying  child  with  pallid 


164  INGEKSOLLIA. 

lips  sucked  the  withered  bosom  of  a  dead  mother, 
was  sent  by  the  loving  gods.  No  devil  was  ever 
charged  with  such  fiendish  brutality. 

300.    Is  it  Possible? 

Is  it  possible  that  an  infinite  God  created  this 
world  simply  to  be  the  dwelling-place  of  slaves  and 
serfs?  simply  for  the  purpose  of  raising  orthodox 
Christians?  That  he  did  a  few  miracles  to  astonish 
them;  that  all  the  evils  of  life  are  simply  his  punish- 
ments, and  that  he  is  finally  going  to  turn  heaven 
into  a  kind  of  religious'  museum  filled  with  .Baptist 
barnacles,  petrified  Presbyterians  and  Methodist 
mummies?  I  want  no  heaven  for  which  I  must  give 
my  reason;  no  happiness  in  exchange  for  my  liberty, 
and  no  immortality  that  demands  the  surrender  of 
my  individuality.  Better  rot  in  the  windowless 
tomb,  to  which  there  is  no  door  but  the  red  mouth  of 
the  pallid  worm,  than  wear  the  jeweled  collar  even 
of  a  god. 

301.    It  is  Impossible! 

It  is  impossible  to  conceive  of  a  more  thoroughly 
despicable,  hateful,  and  arrogant  being,  than  the 
Jewish  god.  He  is  without  a  redeeming  feature. 
In  the  mythology  of  the  world  he  has  no  parallel. 
He,  only,  is  never  touched  by  agony  and  tears.  He 
delights  only  in  blood  and  pain.  Human  affections 
are  naught  to  him.  He  cares  neither  for  love  nor 
music,  beauty  nor  joy.  A  false  friend,  an  unjust 


INGERSOLLIA.  165 

judge,  a  braggart,  hypocrite,  and  tyrant.  Compared 
with  Jehovah,  Pharaoh  was  a  benefactor,  and  the 
tyranny  of  Egypt  was  freedom  to  those  who  suffered 
the  liberty  of  God. 


HEAVEN  AND  HELL. 


302.    Hope  of  a  Future  Life. 

For  my  part  I  know  nothing  of  any  other  state  of 
existence,  either  before  or  after  this,  and  I  have 
never  become  personally  acquainted  with  anybody 
who  did.  There  may  be  another  life,  and  if  there  is 
the  best  way  to  prepare  for  it  is  by  making  some- 
body happy  in  this.  God  certainly  cannot  afford  to 
put  a  man  in  hell  who  has  made  a  little  heaven  in 
this  world.  I  hope  there  is  another  life.  I  would 
like  to  see  how  things  come  out  in  this  world  when 
I  am  dead.  There  are  some  people  I  should  like  to 
see  again,  but  if  there  is  no  other  life  I  shall  never 
know  it. 

303.     I  am  Immortal. 

So  far  as  I  am  concerned  I  am  immortal;  that  is  to 
say,  I  can't  recollect  when  I  did  not  exist,  and  there 
never  will  be  a  time  when  I  will  remember  that  I  do 
not  exist.  I  would  like  to  have  several  millions  of 
dollars,  and  I  may  say  I  have  a  lively  hope  that 

(166) 


INGERSOLLIA.  167 

some  day  I  may  be  rich;  but  to  tell  you  the  truth  I 
have  very  little  evidence  of  it.  Our  hope  of  im- 
mortality does  not  come  from  any  religions,  but 
nearly  all  religions  come  from  that  hope.  The  Old 
Testament,  instead  of  telling  us  that  we  are  im- 
mortal, tells  us  how  we  lost  immortality.  You  will 
recollect  that  if  Adam  and  Eve  could  have  gotten  to 
the  tree  of  life,  they  would  have  eaten  of  its  fruit 
and  would  have  lived  forever;  but  for  the  purpose  of 
preventing  immortality  God  turned  them  out  of  the 
Garden  of  Eden,  and  put  certain  angels  with  swords 
or  sabres  at  the  gate  to  keep  them  from  getting 
back.  The  Old  Testament  proves,  if  it  proves  any- 
thing, which  I  do  not  think  it  does,  that  there  is  no 
life  after  this;  and  the  New  Testament  is  not  very 
specific  on  the  subject.  There  were  a  great  many 
opportunities  for  the  Savior  and  his  apostles  to  tell 
us  about  another  world,  but  they  didn't  improve 
them  to  any  great  extent;  and  the  only  evidence  so 
far  as  I  know  about  another  life  is,  first,  that  we 
have  no  evidence;  and,  secondly,  that  we  are  rather 
sorry  that  we  have  not,  and  wish  we  had.  That  is 
about  my  position. 

304.  What  if  Death  Does  End  All  P 
And  suppose,  after  all,  that  death  does  end  all. 
Next  to  eternal  joy,  next  to  being  forever  with  those 
we  love  and  those  who  have  loved  us,  next  to  that 
is  to  be  wrapped  in  the  dreamless  drapery  of  eternal 
peace.  Next  to  eternal  life  is  eternal  death.  Upon 


168  INGERSOLLIA. 

the  shadowy  shore  of  death  the  sea  of  trouble  casts 
no  wave.  Eyes  that  have  been  curtained  by  the 
everlasting  dark  will  never  know  again  the  touch  of 
tears.  Lips  that  have  been  touched  by  the  eternal 
silence  will  never  utter  another  word  of  grief. 
Hearts  of  dust  do  not  break.  The  dead  do  not  weep. 
And  I  had  rather  think  of  those  I  have  loved,  and 
those  I  have  lost,  as  having  returned  to  earth,  as 
having  become  a  part  of  the  elemental  wealth  of  the 
the  world.  I  would  rather  think  of  them  as  uncon- 
scious dust.  I  would  rather  think  of  them  as  gurg- 
ling in  the  stream,  floating  in  the  cloud,  bursting  in- 
to light  upon  the  shores  of  worlds.  I  would  rather 
think  of  them  thus  than  to  have  even  a  suspicion 
that  their  souls  had  been  clutched  by  an  orthodox 

God. 

305.    The  Old  World  Ignorant  of  Destiny. 

Moses  differed  from  most  of  the  makers  of  sacred 
books  by  his  failure  to  say  anything  of  a  future  life, 
by  failing  to  promise  heaven,  and  to  threaten  hell. 
Upon  the  subject  of  a  future  state,  there  is  not  one 
word  in  the  Pentateuch.  Probably  at  that  early  day 
God  did  not  deem  it  important  to  make  a  revelation 
as  to  the  eternal  destiny  of  man.  He  seems  to  have 
thought  that  he  could  control  the  Jews,  at  least,  by 
rewards  and  punishments  in  this  world,  and  so  he 
kept  the  frightful  realities  of  eternal  joy  and  tor- 
ment a  profound  secret  from  the  people  of  his 
choice.  He  thought  it  far  more  important  to  tell 


INGE&SOLL1A.  169 

the  Jews  their  origin  than  to  enlighten  them  as  to 
their  destiny. 

.   306.    Where  the  Doctrine  of  Hell  was  Born. 

I  honestly  believe  that  the  doctrine  of  hell,  was 
born  in  the  glittering  eyes  of  snakes  that  run  in 
frightful  coils  watching  for  their  prey.  I  believe  it 
was  born  in  the  yelping  and  howling  and  growling 
and  snarling  of  wild  beasts.  I  believe  it  was  born 
in  the  grin  of  hyenas  and  in  the  malicious  clatter  of 
depraved  apes.  I  despise  it,  I  defy  it,  and  I  hate  it; 
and  when  the  great  ship  freighted  with  the  world 
goes  down  in  the  night  of  death,  chaos  and  disaster, 
I  will  not  be  guilty  of  the  ineffable  meanness  of 
pushing  from  my  breast  my  wife  and  children  and 
paddling  off  in  some  orthodox  canoe.  I  will  go 
down  with  those  I  love  and  with  those  who  love  me. 
I  will  go  down  with  the  ship  and  with  my  race.  I 
will  go  where  there  is  sympathy.  I  will  go  with 
those  I  love.  Nothing  can  make  me  believe  that 
there  is  any  being  that  is  going  to  burn  and  torment 
and  damn  his  children  forever. 

307.    The  Grand  Companionships  of  Hell. 

Since  hanging  has  got  to  be  a  means  of  grace,  I 
would  prefer  hell.  I  had  a  thousand  times  rather 
associate  with  the  pagan  philosophers  than  with  the 
inquisitors  of  the  middle  ages.  I  certainly  should 
prefer  the  worst  man  in  Greek  or  Roman  history  to 
John  Calvin  ,  and  I  can  imagine  no  man  in  the 


170  1NGERSOLL1A. 

world  that  I  would  not  rather  sit  on  the  same  bench 
with  than  the  puritan  fathers  and  the  founders  of 
orthodox  churches.  I  would  trade  off  my  harp  any 
minute  for  a  seat  in  the  other  country.  All  the  poets 
will  be  in  perdition,  and  the  greatest  thinkers,  and, 
I  should  think,  most  of  the  women  whose  society 
would  tend  to  increase  the  happiness  of  man  ,  nearly 
all  the  painters,  nearly  all  the  sculptors,  nearly  all 
the  writers  of  plays,  nearly  all  the  great  actors, 
most  of  the  best  musicians,  and  nearly  all  the  good 
fellows — the  persons  who  know  good  stories,  who  can 
sing  songs,  or  who  will  loan  a  friend  a  dollar.  They 
will  mostly  all  be  in  that  country,  and  if  I  did  not 
live  there  permanently,  I  certainly  would  want  it  so 
I  could  spend  my  winter  months  there. 

308.    Horror  of  Horrors  ! 

Let  me  put  one  case  and  I  will  be  through  with 
this  branch  of  the  subject.  A  husband  and  wife 
love  each  other.  The  husband  is  a  good  fellow  and 
the  wife  a  splendid  woman.  They  live  and  love 
each  other  and  all  at  once  he  is  taken  sick,  and  they 
watch  day  after  day  and  night  after  night  around 
his  bedside  until  their  property  is  wasted  and  finally 
she  has  to  go  to  work,  and  she  works  through  eyes 
blinded  with  tears,  and  the  sentinel  of  love  watches 
at  the  bedside  of  her  prince,  and  at  the  least  breath 
or  the  least  motion  she  is  awake  ;  and  she  attends 
him  night  after  night  and  day  after  day  for  years, 


INGERSOLLIA.  171 

and  finally  he  dies,  and  she  has  him  in  her  arms 
and  covers  his  wasted  face  with  the  tears  of  agony 
and  love.  He  is  a  believer  and  she  is  not.  He  dies, 
and  she  buries  him  and  puts  flowers  above  his  grave, 
and  she  goes  there  in  the  twilight  of  evening  and 
she  takes  her  children,  and  tells  her  little  boys  and 
girls  through  her  tears  how  brave  and  how  true  and 
how  tender  their  father  was,  and  finally  she  dies 
and  goes  to  hell,  because  she  was  not  a  believer; 
and  he  goes  to  the  battlements  of  heaven  and  looks 
over  and  sees  the  woman  who  loved  him  with  all 
the  wealth  of  her  love,  and  whose  tears  made  his 
dead  face  holy  and  sacred,  and  he  looks  upon  her  in 
the  agonies  of  hell  without  having  his  happiness 
diminished  in  the  least.  With  all  due  respect  to 
everybody  I  say,  damn  any  such  doctrine  as  that. 

309.    The  Drama  of  Damnation. 

When  you  come  to  die,  as  you  look  back 
upon  the  record  of  your  life,  no  matter  how 
many  men  you  have  wrecked  and  ruined,  and  no 
matter  how  many  women  you  have  deceived  and 
deserted — all  that  may  be  forgiven  you;  but  if  you 
recollect  that  you  have  laughed  at  God's  book  you 
will  see  through  the  shadows  of  death,  the  leering 
looks  of  fiends  and  the  forked  tongues  of  devils. 
Let  me  show  you  how  it  will  be.  For  instance,  it 
is  the  day  of  judgment.  When  the  man  is  called 
up  by  the  recording  secretary,  or  whoever  does  the 


172  INGERSOLLIA. 

cross-examining,  he  says  to  his  soul:  "Where 
you  from?"  "I  am  from  the  world."  "Yes,  sir. 
What  kind  of  a  man  were  you?"  "  Well,  I  don't 
like  to  talk  about  myself."  "  But  you  have  to. 
What  kind  of  a  man  were  you?"  Well,  I  was  a 
good  fellow;  I  loved  my  wife,  I  loved  my  children. 
My  home  was  my  heaven;  my  fireside  was  my  para- 
dise, and  to  sit  there  and  see  the  lights  and  shadows 
falling  on  the  faces  of  those  I  love,  that  to  me  was  a 
perpetual  joy.  I  never  gave  one  of  them  a  solitary 
moment  of  pain.  I  don't  owe  a  dollar  in  the  world, 
and  I  left  enough  to  pay  my  funeral  expenses  and 
keep  the  wolf  of  want  from  the  door  of  the  house  I 
love$.  That  is  the  kind  of  a  man  I  am."  "  Did  you 
belong  to  any  church?"  "I  did  not.  They  were 
too  narrow  for  me.  They  were  always  expecting  to 
be  happy  simply  because  somebody  else  was  to  be 
damned."  "Well,  did  you  believe  that  rib  story?" 
"What  rib  story?  Do  you  mean  that  Adam  and  Eve 
business?  No,  I  did  not.  To  tell  you  the  God's 
truth,  that  was  a  little  more  than  I  could  swallow." 
"To  hell  with  him!  Next.  Where  are  you  from?" 
"  I'm  from  the  world,  too."  "  Do  you  belong  to  any 
church?"  "  Yes,  sir,  and  to  the  Young  Men's  Chris- 
tian Association."  "  What  is  your  business?" 
"  Cashier  in  a  bank."  "  Did  you  ever  run  off  with 
any  of  the  money?"  "  I  don't  like  to  tell,  sir. 
"Well,  but  you  have  to."  "Yes,  sir;  I  did." 


1NGERSOLL1A.  1?3 

'*  What  kind  of  a  bank  did  you  have?"  "  A  savings 
bank."  "  How  much  did  you  run  off  with?"  "One 
hundred  thousand  dollars."  "  Did  you  take  any- 
thing else  along  with  you?"  "  Yes,  sir."  "  What?" 
"I  took  my  neighbor's  wife."  "Did  you  have  a 
wife  and  children  of  your  own?"  "  Yes,  sir." 
"And  you  deserted  them?"  "Oh,  yes;  but  such 
was  my  confidence  in  God  that  I  believed  he  would 
take  care  of  them."  "Have  you  heard  of  them 
since?"  "No,  sir."  "Did  you  believe  that  rib 
story?"  "Ah,  bless  your  soul,  yes!  I  believed  all  of 
it,  sir;  I  often  used  to  be  sorry  that  there  were  not 
harder  stories  yet  in  the  Bible,  so  that  I  could  show 
what  my  faith  could  do."  "  You  believed  it,  did 
you?"  "Yes,  with  all  my  heart."  "Give  him  a 
harp." 

310.    Annihilation  rather  than  be  a  God. 

No  God  has  a  right  to  make  a  man  he  intends  to 
drown.  Eternal  wisdom  has  no  right  to  make  a 
poor  investment,  no  right  to  engage  in  a  speculation 
that  will  not  finally  pay  a  dividend.  No  God  has  a 
right  to  make  a  failure,  and  surely  a  man  who  is  to 
be  damned  forever  is  not  a  conspicuous  success. 
Yet  upon  love's  breast,  the  Church  has  placed  that 
asp;  around  the  child  of  immortality  the  Church  has 
coiled  the  worm  that  never  dies.  For  my  part  I 
want  no  heaven,  if  there  is  to  be  a  hell.  I  would 
rather  be  annihilated  than  be  a  god  and  know  that 


174  INGERSOLLIA. 

one  human  soul  would  have  to  suffer  eternal  agony. 

311.    "All  that  have  Red  Hair  shall  be  Damned." 

I  admit  that  most  Christians  are  honest — always 
have  admitted  it.  I  admit  that  most  ministers  are 
honest,  and  that  they  are  doing  the  best  they  can 
in  their  way  for  the  good  of  mankind;  but  their 
doctrines  are  hurtful;  they  do  harm  in  the  world; 
and  I  am  going  to  do  what  I  can  against  their  doc- 
trines. They  preach  this  infamy:  "  He  that  believes 
shall  be  saved,  and  he  that  believeth  not  shall  be 
damned."  Every  word  of  that  text  has  been  an 
instrument  of  torture;  every  letter  in  that  text  has 
been  a  sword  thrust  into  the  bleeding  and  quivering 
heart  of  man;  every  letter  has  been  a  dungeon; 
every  line  has  been  a  chain;  and  that  infamous 
sentence  has  covered  this  world  with  blood.  I  deny 
that  "whoso  believes  shall  be  saved,  and  he  that 
believeth  not  shall  be  damned."  No  man  can  con- 
trol his  belief;  you  might  as  well  say,  "All  that 
have  red  hair  shall  be  damned." 

312.    The  Conscience  of  a  Hyena. 

But,  after  all,  what  I  really  want  to  do  is  to  des- 
troy the  idea  of  eternal  punishment.  That  doctrine 
subverts  all  ideas  of  justice.  That  doctrine  fills  hell 
with  honest  men,  and  heaven  with  intellectual  and 
moral  paupers.  That  doctrine  allows  people  to  sin 
on  a  credit.  That  doctrine  allows  the  basest  to  be 
eternally  happy  and  the  most  honorable  to  suffer 


INGERSOLLIA.  175 

eternal  pain.  I  think  of  all  doctrines  it  is  the  most 
infinitely  infamous,  and  would  disgrace  the  lowest 
savage,  and  any  man  who  believes  it,  and  has  ima- 
gination enough  to  understand  it,  has  the  heart  of  a 
serpent  and  the  conscience  of  a  hyena. 
313.  I  Leave  the  Dead. 

But  for  me  I  leave  the  dead  where  nature  leaves 
them,  and  whatever  flower  of  hope  springs  up  in 
my  heart  I  will  cherish.  But  I  cannot  believe  that 
there  is  any  being  in  this  universe  who  has  created 
a  soul  for  eternal  pain,  and  I  would  rather  that 
every  God  would  destroy  himself,  I  would  rather 
that  we  all  should  go  back  to  the  eternal  chaos,  to 
the  black  and  starless  night,  than  that  just  one  soul 
should  suffer  eternal  agony. 

314.    Calvin  in  Hell! 

Swedenborg  did  one  thing  for  which  I  feel  almost 
grateful.  He  gave  an  account  of  having  met  John 
Calvin  in  hell.  Nothing  connected  with  the  super- 
natural could  be  more  natural  than  this.  The  only 
thing  detracting  from  the  value  of  this  report  is, 
that  if  there  is  a  hell,  we  know  without  visiting  the 
place  that  John  Calvin  must  be  there. 


GOMERNIM  GREAT  MEN. 


315.    Jesus  Christ. 

And  let  me  say  here  once  for  all,  that  for  the  man 
Christ  I  have  infinite  respect.  Let  me  say  once  for 
all  that  the  place  where  man  has  died  for  man  is 
holy  ground.  Let  me  say  once  for  all,  to  that  great 
and  serene  man  I  gladly  pay — I  gladly  pay  the 
tribute  of  my  admiration  and  my  tears.  He  was  a 
reformer  in  his  day.  He  was  an  infidel  in  his  time. 
He  was  regarded  as  a  blasphemer,  and  his  life  was 
destroyed  by  hypocrites  who  have  in  all  ages  done 
what  they  could  to  trample  freedom  out  of  the 
human  mind.  Had  I  lived  at  that  time  I  would 
have  been  his  friend.  And  should  he  come  again  he 
will  not  find  a  better  friend  than  I  will  be.  That  is 
for  the  man.  For  the  theological  creation  I  have  a 
different  feeling.  If  he  was  in  fact  God,  he  knew 
there  was  no  such  thing  as  death;  he  knew  that 
what  we  call  death  was  but  the  eternal  opening  of 
the  golden  gates  of  everlasting  joy.  And  it  took  no 

(176) 


INGERSOLLIA.  177 

heroism  to  face  a  death  that  was  simply  eternal  life. 

316.    The  Emperor  Constantine. 

The  Emperor  Constantine,  who  lifted  Christianity 
into  power,  murdered  his  wife  Fausta  and  his  eldest 
son  Crispus  the  same  year  that  he  convened  the 
council  of  Nice  to  decide  whether  Jesus  Christ  was  a 
man  or  the  son  of  God.  The  council  decided  that 
Christ  was  substantial  with  the  Father.  This  was 
in  the  year  325.  We  are  thus  indebted  to  a  wife 
murderer  for  settling  the  vexed  question  of  the 
divinity  of  the  Savior.  Theodosius  called  a  council 
at  Constantinople  in  381,  and  this  council  decided 
that  the  Holy  Ghost  proceeded  from  the  Father. 
Theodosius,  the  younger,  assembled  another  council 
at  Ephesus  to  ascertain  who  the  Virgin  Mary  really 
was,  and  it  was  solemnly  decided  in  the  year  431 
that  she  was  the  mother  of  God.  In  451  it  was  de- 
cided by  a  council  held  at  Chalcedon,  called  together 
by  the  Emperor  Marcian,  that  Christ  had  two  na- 
tures— the  human  and  divine.  In  680,  in  another 
general  council,  held  at  Constantinople,  convened  by 
order  of  Pognatius,  it  was  also  decided  that  Christ 
had  two  wills,  and  in  the  year  1274  it  was  decided 
at  the  council  of  Lyons  that  the  Holy  Ghost  pro- 
ceeded not  only  from  the  Father,  but  from  the  Son 
as  well.  Had  it  not  been  for  these  councils  we  might 
have  been  without  a  trinity  even  unto  this  day. 
When  we  take  into  consideration  the  fact  that  a  be- 


178  INGERSOLLIA. 

lief  in  the  trinity  is  absolutely  essential  to  salvation, 
how  unfortunate  it  was  for  the  world  that  this  doc- 
trine was  not  established  until  the  year  1274.  Think 
of  the  millions  that  dropped  into  hell  while  these 
questions  were  being  discussed. 

317.  Did  Franklin  and  Jeffarson  Die  in  Fear  ? 
The  church  never  has  pretended  that  Jefferson  or 
Franklin  died  in  fear.  Franklin  wrote.no  books 
against  the  fables  of  the  ancient  Jews.  He  thought 
it  useless  to  cast  the  pearls  of  thought  before  the 
swine  of  ignorance  and  fear.  Jefferson  was  a  states- 
man. He  was  the  father  of  a  great  party.  He  gave 
his  views  in  letters  and  to  trusted  friends.  He  was 
a  Virginian,  author  of  the  Declaration  of  Independ- 
ence, founder  of  a  university,  father  of  a  political 
party,  President  of  the  United  States,  a  statesman 
and  philosopher.  He  was  too  powerful  for  the 
churches  of  his  day.  Paine  was  a  foreigner,  a  citi- 
zen of  the  world.  He  had  attacked  Washington  and 
the  Bible.  He  had  done  these  things  openly,  and 
what  he  had  said  could  not  be  answered.  His  argu- 
ments were  so  good  that  his  character  was  bad. 

318.     Angels  at  Constantine's  Dying  Bed  ! 

The  Emperor,  stained  with  every  crime,  is  sup- 
posed to  have  died  like  a  Christian.  We  hear  noth- 
ing of  fiends  leering  at  him  in  the  shadows  of  death. 
He  does  not  see  the  forms  of  his  murdered  wife  and 
son  covered  with  the  blood  he  shed.  From  his  white 


INGERSOLLIA.J  179 

and  shriveled  lips  issued  no  shrieks  of  terror.  He 
does  not  cover  his  glazed  eyes  with  thin  and  trem- 
bling hands  to  shut  out  the  visions  of  hell.  His 
chamber  is  filled  with  the  rustle  of  wings  waiting  to 
bear  his  soul  to  the  thrilling  realms  of  joy.  Against 
the  Emperor  Constantino  the  church  has  hurled  no 
anathema.  She  has  accepted  the  story  of  his  vision 
in  the  clouds,  and  his  holy  memory  has  been  guarded 
by  priest  and  pope. 

319.    Diderot. 

Diderot  was  born  in  1713.  His  parents  were  in 
what  may  be  called  the  humbler  walks  of  life. 
Like  Voltaire,  he  was  educated  by  the  Jesuits.  He 
had  in  him  something  of  the  vagabond,  and  was  for 
several  years  almost  a  beggar  in  Paris.  He  was 
endeavoring  to  live  by  his  pen.  In  that  day  and 
generation  a  man  without  a  patron,  endeavoring  to 
live  by  literature,  was  necessarily  almost  a  beggar. 
He  nearly  starved — frequently  going  for  days  with- 
out food.  Afterward,  when  he  had  something  him- 
self, he  was  generous  as  the  air.  No  man  ever  was 
more  willing  to  give,  and  no  man  less  willing  to  re- 
ceive, than  Diderot.  His  motto  was,  "  Incredulity 
is  the  first  step  toward  philosophy."  He  had  the 
vices  of  most  Christians — was  nearly  as  immoral  as 
the  majority  of  priests.  His  vices  he  shared  in  com- 
mon— his  virtues  were  his  own — All  who  knew  hihi 
united  in  saying  that  he  had  the  pity  of  a  woman, 
the  generosity  of  a  prince,  the  self-denial  of  an  an- 


180  INGERSOLLIA. 

chorite,  the  courage  of  Caesar,  an  insatiate  thirst  for 
knowledge,  and  the  enthusiasm  of  a  poet.  He  at- 
tacked with  every  power  of  his  mind  the  supersti- 
tion of  his  day.  He  said  what  he  thought.  The 
priests  hated  him.  He  was  in  favor  of  universal 
education — the  church  despised  it.  He  wished  to 
put  the  knowledge  of  the  whole  world  within  reach 
of  the  poorest.  He  wished  to  drive  from  the  gate  of 
the  Garden  of  Eden  the  cherubim  of  superstition, 
so  that  the  child  of  Adam  might  return  to  eat  once 
more  the  fruit  of  the  tree  of  knowledge.  Every 
Catholic  was  his  enemy.  His  poor  little  desk  was 
ransacked  by  the  police,  searching  for  manuscripts 
in  which  something  might  be  found  that  would  jus- 
tify the  imprisonment  of  such  a  dangerous  man. 
Whoever,  in  1750,  wished  to  increase  the  knowledge 
of  mankind  was  regarded  as  the  enemy  of  social 
order. 

320.    Benedict   Spinoza. 

One  of  the  greatest  thinkers  of  the  world  was 
Benedict  Spinoza — a  Jew,  born  at  Amsterdam  in 
1638.  He  studied  medicine,  and  afterward  theology. 
He  asked  the  rabbis  so  many  questions,  and  insisted 
to  such  a  degree  on  what  he  called  reason,  that  his 
room  was  preferred  to  his  company.  His  Jewish 
brethren  excommunicated  him  from  the  synagogue. 
Under  the  terrible  curse  of  their  religion  he  was 
made  an  outcast  from  every  Jewish  home.  His  own 
father  could  not  give  him  shelter,  and  his  mother, 


INGERSOLLIA.  lv 

x 

after  the  curse  had  been  pronounced,  could  not  give 
him  bread,  could  not  even  speak  to  him,  without  be- 
coming an  outcast  herself.  All  the  cruelty  of  Jeho- 
vah was  in  this  curse.  Spinoza  was  but  twenty-four 
years  old  when  he  found  himself  without  friends 
and  without  kindred.  He  uttered  no  complaint.  He 
earned  his  bread  with  willing  hands,  and  cheerfully 
divided  his  poor  crust  with  those  below.  He  tried 
to  solve  the  problem  of  existence.  To  him  the  uni- 
verse was  one.  The  infinite  embraced  the  all.  The 
all  was  God.  According  to  him  the  universe  did 
not  commence  to  be.  It  is ;  from  eternity  it  was ; 
and  to  eternity  it  will  be.  He  insisted  that  God  is 
inside,  not  outside,  of  what  we  call  substance.  To 
him  the  universe  was  God. 

321.    Thomas  Paine. 

Poverty  was  his  mother — Necessity  his  master. 
He  had  more  brains  than  books;  more  sense  than 
education;  more  courage  than  politeness;  more 
strength  than  polish.  He  had  no  veneration  for  old 
mistakes — no  admiration  for  ancient  lies.  He  loved 
the  truth  for  the  truth's  sake,  and  for  man's  sake. 
He  saw  oppression  on  every  hand;  injustice  every- 
where; hypocrisy  at  the  altar,  venality  on  the  bench,, 
tyranny  on  the  throne;  and  with  a  splendid  courage  . 
he  espoused  the  cause  of  the  weak  against  the 
strong — of  the  enslaved  many  against  the  titled  few. 
322.  The  Greatest  of  all  Political  Writers. 

In   my  judgment,  Thomas  Paine  was  the    best 


182  INGERSOLLIA. 

political  writer  that  ever  lived.  "What  he  wrote 
was  pure  nature,  and  his  soul  and  his  pen  ever  went 
together."  Ceremony,  pageantry,  and  all  the  para- 
phernalia of  power,  had  no  effect  upon  him.  He  ex- 
amined into  the  why  and  wherefore  of  things.  He 
was  perfectly  radical  in  his  mode  of  thought.  Noth- 
ing short  of  the  bed-rock  satisfied  him.  His  en- 
thusiasm for  what  he  believed  to  be  right  knew  no 
bounds.  During  all  the  dark  scenes  of  the  Revolu- 
tion, never  for  one  moment  did  he  despair.  Year 
after  year  his  brave  words  were  ringing  through 
the  land,  and  by  the  bivouac  fires  the  weary  soldiers 
read  the  inspiring  words  of  "  Common  Sense,"  filled 
with  ideas  sharper  than  their  swords,  and  conse- 
crated themselves  anew  to  the  cause  of  Freedom. 

323.    The  Writings  of  Paine. 

The  writings  of  Paine  are  gemmed  with  compact 
statements  that  carry  conviction  tb  the  dullest.  Day 
and  night  he  labored  for  America,  until  there  was  a 
government  of  the  people  and  for  the  people.  At  the 
close  of  the  Revolution  no  one  stood  higher  than 
Thomas  Paine.  Had  he  been  willing  to  live  a  hypo- 
crite, he  would  have  been  respectable,  he  at  least 
could  have  died  surrounded  by  other  hypocrites,  and 
at  his  death  there  would  have  been  an  imposing 
funeral,  with  miles  of  carriages,  filled  with  hypo- 
crites, and  above  his  hypocritical  dust  there  would 
have  been  a  hypocritical  monument  covered  with 
lies. 


INGEfcSOLLIA.  183 

324.    The  Last  Words  of  Paine. 

The  truth  is,  he  died  as  he  had  lived.  Some  min- 
isters were  impolite  enough  to  visit  him  against  his 
will.  Several -of  them  he  ordered  from  his  room. 
A  couple  of  Catholic  priests,  in  all  the  meekness  of 
hypocrisy,  called  that  they  might  enjoy  the  agonies 
of  a  dying  friend  of  man.  Thomas  Paine,  rising  in 
his  bed,  the  few  embers  of  expiring  life  blown  into 
flame  by  the  breath  of  indignation,  had  the  good- 
ness to  curse  them  both.  His  physician,  who  seems 
to  have  been  a  meddling  fool,  just  as  the  cold  hand 
of  death  was  touching  the  patriot's  heart,  whispered 
in  the  dull  ear  of  the  dying  man:  "Do  you  believe, 
or  do  you  wish  to  believe,  that  Jesus  Christ  is  the 
Son  of  God?"  And  the  reply  was:  "  I  have  no  wish 
to  believe  on  that  subject."  These  were  the  last  re- 
membered words  of  Thomas  Paine.  He  died  as 
serenely  as  ever  Christian  passed  away.  He  died  in 
the  full  possession  of  his  mind,  and  on  the  very  brink 
and  edge  of  death  proclaimed  the  doctrines  of  his 
life. 

325.    Paine  Believed  in  God 

Thomas  Paine  was  a  champion  in  both  hemis- 
pheres of  human  liberty;  one  of  the  founders  and 
fathers  of  the  Republic;  one  of  the  foremost  men  of 
his  age.  He  never  wrote  a  word  in  favor  of  injus- 
tice. He  was  a  despiser  of  slavery.  He  abhorred 
tyranny  in  every  form.  He  was,  in  the  widest  and 


184  INGERSOLLIA. 

best  sense,  a  friend  of  all  his  race.  His  head  was  as 
clear  as  his  heart  was  good,  and  he  had  the  courage 
to  speak  his  honest  thought.  He  was  the  first  man 
to  write  these  words:  "The  United  States  of 
America."  He  proposed  the  present  federal  consti- 
tution. He  furnished  every  thought  that  now  glit- 
ters in  the  Declaration  of  Independence.  He  be- 
lieved in  one  God  and  no  more.  He  was  a  believer 
even  in  special  providence,  and  he  hoped  for  im- 
mortality. 

326.    The  Intellectual  Hera 

Thomas  Paine  was  one  of  the  intellectual  heroes 
— one  of  the  men  to  whom  we  are  indebted.  His 
name  is  associated  forever  with  the  Great  Republic. 
As  long  as  free  government  exists  he  will  be  remem- 
bered, admired  and  honored.  He  lived  a  long,  la- 
borious and  useful  life.  The  world  is  better  for  his 
having  lived.  For  the  sake  of  truth  he  accepted 
hatred  and  reproach  for  his  portion.  He  ate  the 
bitter  bread  of  sorrow.  His  friends  were  untrue  to 
him  because  he  was  true  to  himself,  and  true  to 
them.  He  lost  the  respect  of  what  is  called  society, 
but  kept  his  own.  His  life  is  what  the  world  calls 
failure  and  what  history  calls  success.  If  to  love 
your  fellow-men 'more  than  self  is  goodness,  Thomas 
Paine  was  good.  If  to  be  in  advance  of  your  time 
— to  be  a  pioneer  in  the  direction  of  right — is  great- 
ness, Thomas  Paine  was  great.  If  to  avow  your 


INGERSOLLIA.  185 

principles  and  discharge  your  duty  in  the  presence 
of  death  is  heroic,  Thomas  Paine  was  a  hero.  At 
the  age  of  seventy-three,  death  touched  his  tired 
heart.  He  died  in  the  land  his  genius  defended — 
under  the  flag  he  gave  to  the  skies.  Slander  cannot 
touch  him  now — hatred  cannot  reach  him  more. 
He  sleeps  in  the  sanctuary  of  the  tomb,  beneath  the 
quiet  of  the  stars. 

327.    Paine,  Franklin,  Jefferson. 

In  our  country  there  were  three  infidels — Paine, 
Franklin  and  Jefferson.  The  colonies  were  full  of 
superstition,  the  Puritans  with  the  spirit  of  persecu- 
tion. Laws  savage,  ignorant,  and  malignant  had 
been  passed  in  every  colony  for  the  purpose  of  de- 
stroying intellectual  liberty.  Mental  freedom  was 
absolutely  unknown.  The  toleration  acts  of  Mary- 
land tolerated  only  Christians  —  not  infidels,  not 
thinkers,  not  investigators.  The  charity  of  Roger 
Williams  was  not  extended  to  those  who  denied  the 
Bible,  or  suspected  the  divinity  of  Christ.  It  was 
not  based  upon  the  rights  of  man,  but  upon  the 
rights  of  believers,  who  differed  in  non-essential 
points. 

328.    David  Hume. 

On  the  26th  of  April,  1711,  David  Hume  was  born. 
David  Hume  was  one  of  the  few  Scotchmen  of  his 
day  who  were  not  owned  by  the  church.  He  had 
the  manliness  to  examine  historical  and  religious 


186  INGERSOLLIA. 

questions  for  himself,  and  the  courage  to  give  his 
conclusions  to  the  world.  He  was  singularly  capa- 
ble of  governing  himself.  He  was  a  philosopher, 
and  lived  a  calm  and  cheerful  life,  unstained  by  an 
unjust  act,  free  from  all  excess,  and  devoted  in  a 
reasonable  degree  to  benefiting  his  fellow-men. 
After  examining  the  Bible  he  became  convinced 
that  it  was  not  true.  For  failing  to  suppress  his 
real  opinion,  for  failing  to  tell  a  deliberate  false- 
hood, he  brought  upon  him  the  hatred  of  the 
church. 

329.    Voltaire. 

Voltaire  was  the  intellectual  autocrat  of  his  time. 
From  his  throne  at  the  foot  of  the  Alps  he  pointed 
the  finger  of  scorn  at  every  hypocrite  in  Europe. 
He  left  the  quiver  of  ridicule  without  an  arrow.  He 
was  the  pioneer  of  his  century.  He  was  the  assassin 
of  superstition.  Through  the  shadows  of  faith  and 
fable,  through  the  darkness  of  myth  and  miracle, 
through  the  midnight  of  Christianity,  through  the 
blackness  of  bigotry,  past  cathedral  and  dungeon, 
past  rack  and  stake,  past  altar  and  throne,  he  car- 
ried, with  brave  and  chivalric  hands,  the  torch  of 
reason. 

330.    John  Calvin. 

Calvin  was  of  a  pallid,  bloodless  complexion,  thin, 
sickly,  irritable,  gloomy,  impatient,  egotistic,  tyran- 
nical, heartless,  and  infamous.  He  was  a  strange 


INGERSOLLIA.;  187 

compound  of  revengeful  morality,  malicious  for- 
giveness, ferocious  charity,  egotistic  humility,  and 
a  kind  of  hellish  justice.  In  other  words,  be  was  as 
near  like  the  God  of  the  Old  Testament  as  his  health 
permitted. 

331.    Calvin's  Five  Fetters. 

This'man  forged  five  fetters  for  the  brain.  These 
fetters  he  called  points.  That  is  to  say,  predestina- 
tion, particular  redemption,  total  depravity,  irre- 
sistible grace,  and  the  perseverance  of  the  saints. 
About  the  neck  of  each  follower  he  put  a  collar 
bristling  with  these  five  iron  points.  The  presence 
of  all  these  points  on  the  collar  is  still  the  test  of 
orthodoxy  in  the  church  he  founded.  This  man, 
when  in  the  flush  of  youth,  was  elected  to  the  office 
of  preacher  in  Geneva.  He  at  once,  in  union  with 
Farel,  drew  up  a  condensed  statement  of  the  Pres- 
byterian doctrine,  and  all  the  citizens  of  Geneva,  on 
pain  of  banishment,  were  compelled  to  take  an  oath 
that  they  believed  this  statement.  Of  this  proceed- 
ing Calvin  very  innocently  remarked  that  it  pro- 
duced great  satisfaction.  A  man  named  Caroli  had 
the  audacity  to  dispute  with  Calvin.  For  this  out- 
rage he  was  banished. 

332.    Humboldt. 

Humboldt  breathed  the  atmosphere  of  investiga- 
tion. Old  ideas  were  abandoned;  old  creeds,  hal- 
lowed by  centuries,  were  thrown  aside;  thought  be- 


188  INGERSOLLIA. 

came  courageous;   the  athlete,  Reason,  challenged 
to  mortal  combat  the  monsters  of  superstition. 

333.    Humbolt's  Travels. 

Europe  becoming  too  small  for  his  genius,  he 
visited  the  tropics.  He  sailed  along  the  gigantic 
Amazon — the  mysterious  Orinoco — traversed  the 
Pampas — climbed  the  Andes  until  he  stood  upon 
the  crags  of  Chimborazo,  more  than  eighteen  thou- 
sand feet  above  the  level  of  the  sea,  and  climbed  on 
until  blood  flowed  from  his  eyes  and  lips.  For 
nearly  five  years  he  pursued  his  investigations  in 
the  new  world,  accompanied  by  the  intrepid  Bonp- 
land.  Nothing  escaped  his  attention.  He  was  the 
best  intellectual  organ  of  these  new  revelations  of 
science.  He  was  calm,  reflective  and  eloquent; 
filled  with  a  sense  of  the  beautiful,  and  the  love  of 
truth.  His  collections  were  immense,  and  valuable 
beyond  calculation  to  every  science.  He  endured 
innumerable  hardships,  braved  countless  dangers 
in  unknown  and  savage  lands,  and  exhausted  his 
fortune  for  the  advancement  of  true  learning. 

334.     Humboldt's  Illustrious  Companions. 

Humboldt  was  the  friend  and  companion  of  the 
greatest  poets,  historians,  philologists,  artists, 
statesmen,  critics,  and  logicians  of  his  time.  He 
was  the  companion  of  Schiller,  who  believed 
that  man  would  be  regenerated  through  the  influ- 
ence of  the  Beautiful;  of  Goethe,  the  grand  patri- 


INGERSOLLIA.  189 

arch  of  German  literature;  of  Weiland,  who  has 
been  called  the  Voltaire  of  Germany;  of  Herder,  who 
wrote  the  outlines  of  a  philosophical  history  of  man; 
of  Kotzebue,  who  lived  in  the  world  of  romance;  of 
Schleiermacher,  the  pantheist;  of  Schlegel,  who 
gave  to  his  countrymen  the  enchanted  realm  of 
Shakespeare;  of  the  sublime  Kant,  author  of  the 
first  work  published  in  Germany  on  Pure  Reason; 
of  Fichte,  the  infinite  idealist;  of  Schopenhauer,  the 
European  Buddhist  who  followed  the  great  Gautama 
to  the  painless  and  dreamless  Nirwana,  and  of  hun- 
dreds of  others,  whose  names  are  familiar  to  and 
honored  by  the  scientific  world. 

335.    Humboldt  the  Apostle  of  Science. 

Upon  his  return  to  Europe  he  was  hailed  as  the 
second  Columbus;  as  the  scientific  discover  of  Amer- 
ica; as  the  revealer  of  a  new  world;  as  the  great 
demonstrator  of  the  sublime  truth,  that  the  universe 
is  governed  by  law.  I  have  seen  a  picture  of  the 
old  man,  sitting  upon  a  mountain  side — above  him 
the  eternal  snow — below,  the  smiling  valley  of  the 
tropics,  filled  with  vine  and  palm;  his  chin  upon  his 
breast,  his  eyes  deep,  thoughtful  and  calm — his 
forehead  majestic — grander  than  the  mountain  upon 
which  he  sat — crowned  with  the  snow  of  his  whit- 
ened hair,  he  looked  the  intellectual  autocrat  of  this 
world.  Not  satisfied  with  his  discoveries  in  Amer- 
ica, he  crossed  the  steppes  of  Asia,  the  wastes  of 


190  INGERSOLLIA. 

Siberia,  the  great  Ural  range  adding  to  the  knowl- 
edge of  mankind  at  every  step.  His  energy  ac- 
knowledged 110  obstacle,  his  life  knew  no  leisure; 
every  day  was  filled  with  labor  and  with  thought. 
He  was  one  of  the  apostles  of  science,  and  he  served 
his  divine  master  with  a  self-sacrificing  zeal  that 
knew  no  abatement;  with  an  ardor  that  constantly 
increased,  and  with  a  devotion  unwavering  and 
constant  as  the  polar  star. 

336.    Ingersoll  Muses  by  Napoleon's  Tomb. 

A  little  while  ago  I  stood  by  the  grave  of  the  old 
Napoleon — a  magnificent  tomb  of  gilt  and  gold,  fit 
almost  for  a  dead  deity — and  gazed  upon  the  sarco- 
phagus of  black  Egyptian  marble,  where  rest  at 
last  the  ashes  of  the  restless  man.  I  leaned  over  the 
balustrade  and  thought  about  the  career  of  the 
greatest  soldier  of  the  modern  world.  I  saw  him 
walking  upon  the  banks  of  the  Seine,  contemplating 
suicide — I  saw  him  at  Toulon — I  saw  him  putting 
down  the  mob  in  the  streets  of  Paris — I  saw  him  at 
the  head  of  the  army  of  Italy — I  saw  him  crossing 
the  bridge  of  Lodi  with  the  tri-color  in  his  hand — I 
saw  him  in  Egypt  in  the  shadows  of  the  pyramids — 
I  saw  him  conquer  the  Alps  and  mingle  the  eagles 
of  France  with  the  eagles  of  the  crags.  I  saw  him 
at  Marengo — at  Ulm  and  Austerlitz.  I  saw  him  in 
Russia,  where  the  infantry  of  the  snow  and  the 
cavalry  of  the  wild  blast  scattered  his  legions  like 


INGERSOLLIA.  191 

Winter's  withered  leaves.  I  saw  him  at  Leipsic  in 
defeat  and  disaster — driven  by  a  million  bayonets 
back  upon  Paris — clutched  like  a  wild  beast — ban- 
ished to  Elba.  I  saw  him  escape  and  retake  an 
empire  by  the  for'ce  of  his  genius.  I  saw  him  upon 
the  frightful  field  of  Waterloo,  where  chance  and 
fate  combined  to  wreck  the  fortunes  of  their  former 
king.  And  I  saw  him  at  St.  Helena,  with  his  hands 
crossed  behind  him,  gazing  out  upon  the  sad  and 
solemn  sea.  I  thought  of  the  orphans  and  widows 
he  had  made — of  the  tears  that  had  been  shed  for 
his  glory,  and  of  the  [only  woman  who  ever  loved 
him,  pushed  from  his  heart  by  the  cold  hand  of  am- 
bition. And  I  said  I  would  rather  have  been  a 
French  peasant,  and  worn  wooden  shoes.  I  would 
rather  have  lived  in  a  hut  with  a  vine  growing  over 
the  door,  and  the  grapes  growing  purple  in  the 
kisses  of  the  Autumn  sun.  I  would  rather  have 
been  that  poor  peasant  with  my  loving  wife  by  my 
side,  knitting  as  the  day  died  out  of  the  sky — with 
my  children  upon  my  knees  and  their  arms  about 
me;  I  would  rather  have  been  that  man  and  gone 
down  to  the  tongueless  silence  of  the  dreamless 
dust,  than  to  have  been  that  imperial  impersonation 
of  force  and  murder  known  as  Napoleon  the  Great. 
And  so  I  would,  ten  thousand  times. 

337.    Eulogy  on  J.  G.  Elaine. 
This  is  a  grand  year— a  year  filled  with  recollec- 


192  INGERSOLLIA. 

tions  of  the  Revolution ;  filled  with  the  proud  and 
tender  memories  of  the  past;  with  the  sacred  legends 
of  liberty  ;  a  year  in  which  the  sons  of  freedom  will 
drink  from  the  fountains  of  enthusiasm ;  a  year  in 
which  the  people  call  for  a  man  who  has  preserved 
in  Congress  what  our  soldiers  won  upon  the  field ;  a 
year  in  which  they  call  for  the  man  who  has  torn 
from  the  throat  of  treason  the  tongue  of  slander — 
for  the  man  who  has  snatched  the  mask  of  Democ- 
racy from  the  hideous  face  of  rebellion ;  for  this 
man  who,  like  an  intellectual  athlete,  has  stood  in 
the  arena  of  debate  and  challenged  all  comers,  and 
who  is  still  a  total  stranger  to  defeat.  Like  an  armed 
warrior,  like  a  plumed  knight,  James  G.  Elaine 
marched  down  the  halls  of  the  American  Congress 
and  threw  his  shining  lance  full  and  fair  against  the 
brazen  foreheads  of  the  defamers  of  his  country  and 
the  maligners  of  her  honor.  For  the  Republican 
party  to  desert  this  gallant  leader  now  is  as  though 
an  army  should  desert  their  General  upon  the  field 
of  battle.  James  G.  Blaine  is  now  and  has  been  for 
years  the  bearer  of  the  sacred  standard  of  the  Re- 
publican party. 

338.    A  Model  Leader. 

The  Republicans  of  the  United  States  want  a  man 
who  knows  that  this  Government  should  protect 
every  citizen,  at  home  and  abroad;  who  knows  that 
any  Government  that  will  not  defend  its  defenders 


INGERSOLLIA.  193 

and  protect  its  protectors  is  a  disgrace  to  the  map  of 
the  world.  They  demand  a  man  who  believes  in  the 
eternal  separation  and  divorcement  of  church  and 
school.  They  demand  a  man  whose  political  repu- 
tation is  as  spotless  as  a  star;  but  they  do  not  de- 
mand that  their  candidate  shall  have  a  certificate  of 
moral  character  signed  by  a  Confederate  Congress. 
The  man  who  has,  in  full,  heaped  and  rounded 
measure,  all  these  splendid  qualifications  is  the  pres- 
ent grand  and  gallant  leader  of  the  Republican 
party — James  Gr.  Elaine.  Our  country,  crowned 
with  the  vast  and  marvelous  achievements  of  its 
first  century,  asks  for  a  man  worthy  of  the  past  and 
prophetic  of  her  future;  asks  for  a  man  who  has  the 
audacity  of  genius;  asks  for  a  man  who  is  the 
grandest  combination  of  heart,  conscience  and  brain 
beneath  her  flag.  Such  a  man  is  James  G.  Elaine. 

339.    Abraham  Lincoln. 

This  world  has  not  been  fit  to  live  in  fifty  years. 
There  is  no  liberty  in  it — very  little.  Why,  it  is  only 
a  few  years  ago  that  all  the  Christian  nations  were 
engaged  in  the  slave  trade.  It  was  not  until  1808 
that  England  abolished  the  slave  trade,  and  up  to 
that  time  her  priests  in  her  churches  and  her  judges 
on  her  benches  owned  stock  in  slave  ships,  and 
luxuriated  on  the  profits  of  piracy  and  murder;  and 
when  a  man  stood  up  and  denounced  it  they  mob- 
bed hin?.  as  though  he  had  been  a  common  burglar 


INGEESOLLIA. 

or  a  horse  thief.  Think  of  it !  It  was  not  until  the 
28th  day  of  August,  1833,  that  England  abolished 
slavery  in  her  colonies;  and  it  was  not  until  the  1st 
day  of  January,  1862,  that  Abraham  Lincoln,  by  di- 
rection of  the  entire  North,  wiped  that  infamy  out 
of  this  country;  and  I  never  speak  of  Abraham  Lin- 
coln but  I  want  to  say  that  he  was,  in  my  judgment, 
in  many  respects  the  grandest  man  ever  President 
of  the  United  States.  I  say  that  upon  his  tomb  there 
ought  to  be  this  line — and  I  know  of  no  other  man 
deserving  it  so  well  as  he:  "Here  lies  one  who 
having  been  clothed  with  almost  absolute  power 
never  abused  it  except  on  the  side  of  mercy." 
340.  Swedenborg. 

Swedenborg  was  a  man  of  great  intellect,  of  vast 
acquirements,  and  of  honest  intentions;  and  I  think 
it  equally  clear  that  upon  one  subject,  at  least,  his 
mind  was  touched,  shattered  and  shaken.  Micled 
by  analogies,  imposed  upon  by  the  bishop,  deceived 
by  the  woman,  borne  to  other  worlds  upon  the  wings 
of  dreams,  living  in  the  twilight  of  reason  and  the 
dawn  of  insanity,  he  regarded  every  fact  as  a 
patched  and  ragged  garment  with  a  lining  of  the 
costliest  silk,  and  insisted  that  the  wrong  side,  even 
of  the  silk,  was  far  more  beautiful  than  the  right. 

341.    Jeremy  Bentham. 

The  glory  of  Bentham  is,  that  he  gave  the  true 
basis  of  morals,  and  furnished  the  statesmen  with 


INGERSOLLIA.  195 

the  star  and  compass  of  this  sentence:  "  The  great- 
est happiness  of  the  greatest  number." 

342.  Charles  Fourier. 

Fourier  sustained  about  the  same  relation  to  this 
world  that  Swedenborg  did  tothe  other.  There  must 
be  something  wrong  about  the  brain  of  one  who 
solemnly  asserts  that  "  the  elephant,  the  ox  and  the 
diamond  were  created  by  the  Sun;  the  horse,  the 
lily,  and  the  ruby,  by  Saturn;  the  cow,  the  jonquil 
and  the  topaz,  by  Jupiter;  and  the  dog,  the  violet 
and  the  opal  stones  by  the  earth  itself."  And  yet, 
forgetting  these  aberrations  of  the  mind,  this  lunacy 
of  a  great  and  loving  soul,  for  one,  that's  in  tender- 
est  regard  the  memory  of  Charles  Fourier,  one  of 
the  best  and  noblest  of  our  race. 

343.  Angus te  Comte. 

There  was  in  the  brain  of  the  great  Frenchman — 
Auguste  Comte — the  dawn  of  that  happy  day  in 
which  humanity  will  be  the  only  religion,  good  the 
'only  God,  happiness  the  only  object,  restitution  the 
only  atonement,  mistake  the  only  sin,  and  affection 
guided  by  intelligence,  the  only  savior  of  mankind. 
This  dawn  enriched  his  poverty,  illuminated  the 
darkness  of  his  life,  peopled  his  loneliness  with  the 
happy  millions  yet  to  be,  and  filled  his  eyes  with 
proud  and  tender  tears.  When  everything  con- 
nected with  Napoleon,  except  his  crimes,  shall  be 


196  INGERSOLLIA. 

forgotten,  Auguste  Comte  will  be  lovingly  remem- 
bered as  a  benefactor  of  the  human  race. 

344.     Herbert  Spencer. 

Herbert  Spencer  relies  upon  evidence,  upon  dem- 
onstration, upon  experience  ;  and  occupies  himself 
with  one  world  at  a  time.  He  perceives  that  there 
is  a  mental  horizon  that  we  cannot  pierce,  and  that 
beyond  that  is  the  unknown,  possibly  the  unknow- 
able. He  endeavors  to  examine  only  that  which  is 
capable  of  being  examined,  and  considers  the  theo- 
logical method  as  not  only  useless,  but  hurtful. 
After  all  God  is  but  a  guess,  throned  and  established 
by  arrogance  and  assertion.  Turning  his  attention 
to  those  things  that  have  in  some  way  affected  the 
condition  of  mankind,  Spencer  leaves  the  unknow- 
able to  priests  and  believers. 

345.    Robert  Collyer. 

I  have  the  honor  of  a  slight  acquaintance  with 
Robert  Collyer.  I  have  read  with  pleasure  some  of 
his  exquisite  productions.  He  has  a  brain  full  of 
the  dawn,  the  head  of  a  philosopher,  the  imagina- 
tion of  a  poet  and  the  sincere  heart  of  a  child.  Had 
such  men  as  Robert  Collyer  and  John  Stuart  Mill 
been  present  at  the  burning  of  Servetus,  they  would 
have  extinguished  the  flames  with  their  tears.  Had 
the  presbytery  of  Chicago  been  there,  they  would 
have  quietly  turned  their  backs,  solemnly  divided 
their  coat  tails,  and  warmed  themselves, 


INGERSOLLIA.  197 

346.    John  Milton. 

England  was  filled  with  Puritan  gloom  and  Epis- 
copal ceremony.  All  religious  conceptions  were  of 
the  grossest  nature.  The  ideas  of  crazy  fanatics 
and  extravagant  poets  were  taken  as  sober  facts. 
Milton  had  clothed  Christianity  in  the  soiled  and 
faded  finery  of  the  gods — had  added  to  the  story  of 
Christ  the  fables  of  Mythology,  He  gave  to  the 
Protestant  Church  the  most  outrageously  material 
ideas  of  the  Deity.  He  turned  all  the  angels  into 
soldiers — made  heaven  a  battlefield,  put  Christ  in 
uniform,  and  described  God  as  a  militia  general. 
His  works  were  considered  by  the  Protestants  nearly 
as  sacred  as  the  Bible  itself,  and  the  imagination  of 
the  people  was  thoroughly  polluted  by  the  horrible 
imagery,  the  sublime  absurdity  of  the  blind  Milton. 

347.    Ernst  Haeckel. 

Amongst  the  bravest,  side  by  side  with  the  great- 
est of  the  world  in  Germany,  the  land  of  science — 
stands  Ernst  Haeckel,  who  may  be  said  not  only  to 
have  demonstrated  the  theories  of  Darwin,  but  the 
monistic  conception  of  the  world.  He  has  endeav- 
ored— and  I  think  with  complete  success — to  show 
that  there  is  not,  and  never  was,  and  never  can  be, 
the  creator  of  anything.  Haeckel  is  one  of  the 
bitterest  enemies  of  the  church,  and  is,  therefore, 
one  of  the  bravest  friends  of  man, 


198  INGERSOLLIA. 

348.  Professor  Swing,  a  Dove  amongst  Vultures. 
Professor  Swing  was  too  good  a  man  to  stay  in 
the  Presbyterian  Church.  He  was  a  rose  amongst 
thistles;  he  was  a  dove  amongst  vultures;  and  they 
hunted  him  out,  and  I  am  glad  he  came  out.  I  have 
the  greatest  respect  for  Professor  Swing,  but  I  want 
him  to  tell  whether  the  109th  Psalm  is  inspired. 

349.    Queen  Victoria  and  George  Eliot. 

Compare  George  Eliot  with  Queen  Victoria.  The 
Queen  is  clad  in  garments  given  her  by  blind  for- 
tune and  unreasoning  chance,  while  George  Eliot 
wears  robes  of  glory  woven  in  the  loom  of  her  own 
genius.  And  so  it  is  the  world  over.  The  time  is 
coming  when  men  will  be  rated  at  their  real  worth; 
when  we  shall  care  nothing  for  an  officer  if  he  does 
not  fill  his  place. 

350.    Rough,  on  Rabbi  Bicn. 

I  will  not  answer  Rabbi  Bien,  and  I  will  tell  you 
why.  Because  he  has  taken  himself  outside  of  all 
the  limits  of  a  gentleman;  because  he  has  taken 
upon  himself  to  traduce  American  women  in  lan- 
guage the  beastliest  I  ever  read;  and  any  man  who 
says  that  the  American  women  are  not  just  as  good 
women  as  any  God  can  make,  and  pick  his  mud 
to-day,  is  an  unappreciative  barbarian.  I  will  let 
him  alone  because  he  denounced  all  the  men  in  this 
country,  all  the  members  of  Congress,  all  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Senate,  all  the  Judges  on  the  bench,  as 


INGERSOLLIA.  199 

thieves  and  robbers.     I  pronounce  him  a  vulgar  fal- 
sifier, and  let  him  alone. 

351.     General  Garfield. 

No  man  has  been  nominated  for  the  office  since  I 
was  born,  by  either  party,  who  had  more  brains  and 
more  heart  than  James  A.  Garfield.  He  was  a 
soldier,  he  is  a  statesman.  In  time  of  peace  he  pre- 
ferred the  avocations  of  peace;  when  the  bugle  of 
war  blew  in  his  ears  he  withdrew  from  his  work  and 
fought  for  the  flag,  and  then  he  went  back  to  the 
avocation  of  peace.  And  I  say  to-day  that  a  man 
who,  in  a  time  of  profound  peace,  makes  up  his  mind 
that  he  would  like  to  kill  folks  for  a  living  is  no  bet- 
ter, to  say  the  least  of  it,  than  the  man  who  loves 
peace  in  the  time  of  peace,  and  who,  when  his  coun- 
try is  attacked,  rushes  to  the  rescue  of  her  flag. 

352.    "Wealthy  in  Integrity;  In  Brain  a  Millionaire." 

James  A.  Garfield  is  to-day  a  poor  man,  and  you 
know  that  there  is  not  money  enough  in  this  mag- 
nificent street  to  buy  the  honor  and  manhood  of 
James  A.  Garfield.  Money  cannot  make  such  a 
man,  and  I  will  swear  to  you  that  money  cannot  buy 
him.  James  A.  Garfield  to-day  wears  the  glorious 
robe  of  honest  poverty.  He  is  a  poor  man ;  but  I  like 
to  say  it  here  in  Wall  street;  I  like  to  say  it  sur- 
rounded by  the  millions  of  America;  I  like  to  say  it 
in  the  midst  of  banks,  and  bonds,  and  stocks;  I  love 
to  say  it  where  gold  is  piled — that,  although  a  poor 


200  1NGERSOLL1A. 

man,  he  is  rich  in  honor,  in  integrity  he  is  wealthy, 
and  in  brain  he  is  a  millionaire. 

353.    Garfield  a  Certificate  of  the  Splendor  of  the  American 
Constitution. 

Garfield  is  a  certificate  of  the  splendor  of  our  Gov- 
ernment, that  says  to  every  poor  boy:  "All  the 
avenues  of  honor  are  open  to  you."  I  know  him  and 
I  like  him.  He  is  a  scholar;  he  is  a  statesman;  he 
was  a  soldier;  he  is  a  patriot;  and  above  all  he  is  a 
magnificent  man,  and  if  every  man  in  'New  York 
knew  him  as  well  as  I  do,  Garfield  would  not  lose  a 
hundred  votes  in  this  city. 

354.    Dr.  W.  Hiram  Thomas. 

The  best  thing  that  has  come  from  the  other  side 
is  from  Dr.  Thomas.  I  regard  him  as  by  far  the 
grandest  intellect  in  the  Methodist  Church.  He  is 
intellectually  a  wide  and  tender  man.  I  cannot  con- 
ceive of  an  article  being  written  in  a  better  spirit. 
He  finds  a  little  fault  with  me  for  not  being  exactly 
fair.  If  there  were  more  ministers  like  Dr.  Thomas 
the  probability  is  I  never  should  have  laid  myself 
liable  to  criticism.  There  is  some  human  nature  in 
me,  and  I  find  it  exceedingly  difficult  to  preserve  at 
all  times  perfect  serenity.  I  have  the  greatest  possi- 
ble respect  for  Dr.  Thomas,  and  must  heartily  thank 
him  for  his  perfect  fairness. 


MMELLANEOUl 


355.    Heresy  and  Orthodoxy. 

It  has  always  been  the  man  ahead  that  has  been 
called  the  heretic.  Heresy  is  the  last  and  best 
thought  always.  Heresy  extends  the  hospitality  of 
the  brain  to  a  new  idea;  that  is  what  the  rotting 
says  to  the  growing;  that  is  what  the  dweller  in  the 
swamp  says  to  the  man  on  the  sun-lit  hill;  that  is 
what  the  man  in  the  darkness  cries  out  to  the  grand 
man  upon  whose  forehead  is  shining  the  dawn  of  a 
grander  day;  that  is  what  the  coffin  says  to  the 
cradle.  Orthodoxy  is  a  kind  of  shroud,  and  heresy 
is  a  banner — Orthodoxy  is  a  fog  and  Heresy  a  star 
shining  forever  upon  the  cradle  of  truth.  I  do  not 
mean  simply  in  religion,  I  mean  in  everything  and 
the  idea  I  wish  to  impress  upon  you  is  that  you 
should  keep  your  minds  open  to  all  the  influences  of 
nature,  you  should  keep  your  minds  open  to  reason; 
hear  what  a  man  has  to  say,  and  do  not  let  the 
turtle-shell  of  bigotry  grow  above  your  brain.  Give 
everybody  a  chance  and  an  opportunity;  that  is  all. 

(201) 


202  INGERSOLLIA. 

356.    The  Aristocracy  that  will  Survive. 

We  used  to  worship  the  golden  calf,  and  the  worst 
you  can  say  of  us  now,  is,  we  worship  the  gold  of 
the  calf,  and  even  the  calves  are  beginning  to  see 
this  distinction.  We  used  to  go  down  on  our  knees 
to  every  man  that  held  office,  now  he  must  fill  it  if 
he  wishes  any  respect.  We  care  nothing  for  the 
rich,  except  what  will  they  do  with  their  money? 
Do  they  benefit  mankind?  That  is  the  question. 
You  say  this  man  holds  an  office.  How  does  he  fill 
it? — that  is  the  question.  And  there  is  rapidly  grow- 
ing up  in  the  world  an  aristocracy  of  heart  and 
brain — the  only  aristocracy  that  has  a  right  to  exist. 
357.  Truth  will  Bear  the  Test. 

If  a  man  has  a  diamond  that  has  been  examined 
by  the  lapidaries  of  the  world,  and  some  ignorant 
stonecutter  told  him  that  it  is  nothing  but  an  ordin- 
ary rock,  he  laughs  at  him;  but  if  it  has  not  been 
examined  by  lapidaries,  and  he  is  a  little  suspicious 
himself  that  it  is  not  genuine,  it  makes  him  mad. 
Any  doctrine  that  will  not  bear  investigation  is  not 
a  fit  tenant  for  the  mind  of  an  honest  man.  Any 
man  who  is  afraid  to  have  his  doctrine  investigated 
is  not  only  a  coward  but  a  hypocrite. 
358.  Faring  Nails. 

Why  should  we  in  this  age  of  the  world  be  dom- 
inated by  the  dead?  Why  should  barbarian  Jews 
who  went  down  to  death  and  dust  three  thousand 


INGERSOLLIA.  K.t 

years  ago,  control  the  living  world?  Why  should 
we  care  for  the  superstition  of  men  who  began  the 
sabbath  by  paring  their  nails,  "beginning  at  the 
fourth  finger,  then  going  to  the  second,  then  to  the 
fifth,  then  to  the  third,  and  ending  with  the  thumb?" 
How  pleasing  to  God  this  must  have  been. 

359.    There  may  be  a  God, 

There  may  be  for  aught  I  know,  somewhere  in 
the  unknown  shoreless  vast,  some  being  whose 
dreams  are  constellations  and  within  whose  thought 
the  infinite  exists.  About  this  being,  if  such  an  one 
exists,  I  have  nothing  to  say.  He  has  written  no 
books,  inspired  no  barbarians,  required  no  worship, 
and  has  prepared  no  hell  in  which  to  burn  the  hon- 
est seeker  after  truth. 

360.    The  People  are  Beginning  to  Think. 

The  people  are  beginning  to  think,  to  reason  and 
to  investigate.  Slowly,  painfully,  but  surely,  the 
gods  are  being  driven  from  the  earth.  Only  upon 
rare  occasions  are  they,  even  by  the  most  religious, 
supposed  to  interfere  in  the  affairs  of  men.  In  most 
matters  we  are  at  last  supposed  to  be  free.  Since 
the  invention  of  steamships  and  railways,  so  that 
the  products  of  all  countries  can  be  easily  inter- 
changed, the  gods  have  quit  the  business  of  produc- 
ing famine. 

361.    Unchained  Thought 
For  the  vagaries  of  the  clouds  the  infidels  propose 


204 

to  substitute  the  realities  of  earth;  for  superstition, 
the  splendid  demonstrations  and  achievements  of 
science;  and  for  theological  tyranny,  the  chainless 
liberty  of  thought. 

362.    Man  the  Victor  of  the  Future. 

If  abuses  are  destroyed,  man  must  destroy  them. 
If  slaves  are  freed,  man  must  free  them.  If  new 
truths  are  discovered,  man  must  discover  them.  If 
the  naked  are  clothed;  if  the  hungry  are  fed;  if  jus- 
tice is  done;  if  labor  is  rewarded;  if  superstition  is 
driven  from  the  mind;  if  the  defenseless  are  pro- 
tected, and  if  the  right  finally  triumphs,  all  must  be 
the  work  of  man.  The  grand  victories  of  the  future 
must  be  won  by  man,  and  by  man  alone. 

363.    The  Sacred  Sabbath. 

Of  all  the  superstitious  of  mankind,  this  insanity 
about  the  "  sacred  Sabbath "  is  the  most  absurd. 
The  idea  of  feeling  it  a  duty  to  be  solemn  and  sad 
one-seventh  of  the  time  !  To  think  that  we  can 
please  an  infinite  being  by  staying  in  some  dark  and 
sombre  room,  instead  of  walking  in  the  perfumed 
fields  !  Why  should  God  hate  to  see  a  man  happy  ? 
Why  should  it  excite  his  wrath  to  see  a  family  in 
the  woods,  by  some  babbling  stream,  talking,  laugh- 
ing and  loving?  Nature  works  on  that  "sacred" 
day.  The  earth  turns,  the  rivers  run,  the  trees 
grow,  buds  burst  into  flower,  and  birds  fill  the  air 
with  song.  Why  should  we  look  sad,  and  think 


INGERSOLLIA.  205 

about  death,   and  hear  about  hell  ?    Why  should 
that  day  be  filled  with  gloom  instead  of  joy  ? 

364.    Make  the  Sabbath  Merry. 

Freethinkers  should  make  the  Sabbath  a  day  of 
mirth  and  music  ;  a  day  to  spend  with  wife  and 
child — a  day  of  games,  and  books,  and  dreams — a 
day  to  put  fresh  flowers  above  our  sleeping  dead — a 
day  of  memory  and  hope,  of  love  and  rest. 
365.  Away  to  the  Hills  and  the  Sea. 

A  poor  mechanic,  working  all  the  week  in  dust 
and  noise,  needs  a  day  of  rest  and  joy,  a  day  to  visit 
stream  and  wood — a  day  to  live  with  wife  and  child; 
a  day  in  which  to  laugh  at  care,  and  gather  hope 
and  strength  for  toils  to  come.  And  his  weary  wife 
needs  a  breath  of  sunny  air,  away  from  street  and 
wall,  amid  the  hills  or  by  the  margin  of  the  sea, 
where  she  can  sit  and  prattle  with  her  babe,  and  fill 
with  happy  dreams  the  long,  glad  day. 

366.    Melancholly  Sundays. 

When  I  was  a  little  fellow  most  everybody  thought 
that  some  days  were  too  sacred  for  the  young  ones 
to  enjoy  themselves  in.  That  was  the  general  idea. 
Sunday  used  to  commence  Saturday  night  at  sun- 
down, under  the  old  text,  "The  evening  and  the 
morning  were  the  first  day."  They  commenced 
then,  I  think,  to  get  a  good  ready.  When  the  sun 
went  down  Saturday  night,  darkness  ten  thousand 
times  deeper  than  ordinary  night  fell  upon  that 


206  INGERSOLLIA. 

house.  The  boy  that  looked  the  sickest  was  regarded 
as  the  most  pious.  You  could  not  crack  hickory 
nuts  that  night,  and  if  you  were  caught  chewing 
gum  it  was  another  evidence  of  the  total  depravity 
of  the  human  heart.  It  was  a  very  solemn  evening. 
We  would  sometimes  sing,  "  Another  day  has 
passed."  Everybody  looked  as  though  they  had  the 
dyspesia — you  know  lots  of  people  think  they  are 
pious,  just  because  they  are  bilious,  as  Mr.  Hood 
says.  It  was  a  solemn  night,  and  the  next  morning 
the  solemnity  had  increased.  Then  we  went  to 
church,  and  the  minister  was  in  a  pulpit  about 
twenty  feet  high.  If  it  was  in  the  winter  there  was 
no  fire  ;  it  was  not  thought  proper  to  be  comfortable 
while  you  were  thanking  the  Lord.  The  minister 
commenced  at  firstly  and  ran  up  to  about  twenty- 
fourthly,  and  then  he  divided  it  up  again  ;  and  then 
he  made  some  concluding  remarks,  and  then  he  said 
lastly,  and  when  he  said  lastly  he  was  about  half 
through. 

367.    Moses  took  Egyptian  Law  for  his  Model. 

It  has  been  contended  for  many  years  that  the  ten 
commandments  are  the  foundation  of  all  ideas  of 
justice  and  of  law.  Eminent  jurists  have  bowed  to 
popular  prejudice,  and  deformed  their  works  by 
statements  to  the  effect  that  the  Mosaic  laws  are 
the  fountains  from  which  sprang  all  ideas  of  right 
and  wrong.  Nothing  can  be  more  stupidly  false 


INGERSOLL1A.  ,cv , 

than  such  •  assertions.  Thousands  of  years  before 
Moses  was  born,  the  Egyptians  had  a  code  of  laws. 
They  had  laws  against  blasphemy,  murder,  adultery, 
larceny,  perjury,  laws  for  the  collection  of  debts, 
and  the  enforcement  of  contracts. 

368.    A  False  Standard  of  Success. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  be  rich,  nor  powerful,  nor 
great,  to  be  a  success;  and  neither  is  it  necessary  to 
have  your  name  between  the  putrid  lips  of  rumor  to 
be  great.  We  have  had  a  false  standard  of  success. 
In  the  years  when  I  was  a  little  boy  we  read  in  our 
books  that  no  fellow  was  a  success  that  did  not 
make  a  fortune  or  get  a  big  office,  and  he  generally 
was  a  man  that  slept  about  three  hours  a  night. 
They  never  put  down  in  the  books  the  gentlemen 
who  succeeded  in  life  and  yet  slept  all  they  wanted 
to.  We  have  had  a  wrong  standard. 

369.     Toilers  and  Idlers. 

You  can  divide  mankind  into  two  classes:  the 
laborers  and  the  idlers,  the  supporters  and  the  sup- 
ported, the  honest  and  the  dishonest.  Every  man 
is  dishonest  who  lives  upon  the  .unpaid  labor  of 
others,  no  matter  if  he  occupies  a  throne.  All 
laborers  should  be  brothers.  The  laborers  should 
have  equal  rights  before  the  world  and  before  the 
law.  And  I  want  every  farmer  to  consider  every 
man  who  labors  either  with  hand  or  brain  as  his 
brother.  Until  genius  and  labor  formed  a  partner- 


208  INGERSOLLIA. 

ship  there  was  no  such  thing  as  prosperity  among 
men.  Every  reaper  and  mower,  every  agricultural 
implement,  has  elevated  the  work  of  the  farmer, 
and  his  vocation  grows  grander  with  every  inven- 
tion. In  the  olden  time  the  agriculturist  was  igno- 
rant; he  knew  nothing  of  machinery,  he  was  the 
slave  of  superstition. 

370.  The  Sad  Wilderness  History. 

While  reading  the  Pentateuch,  I  am  filled  with  in- 
dignation, pity  and  horror.  Nothing  can  be  sadder 
than  the  history  of  the  starved  and  frightened 
wretches  who  wandered  over  the  desolate  crags  and 
sands  of  wilderness  and  desert,  the  prey  of  famine, 
sword  and  plague.  Ignorant  and  superstitious  to  the 
last  degree,  governed  by  falsehood,  plundered  by 
hypocrisy,  they  were  the  sport  of  priests,  and  the 
food  of  fear.  God  was  their  greatest  enemy,  and 
death  their  only  friend. 

371.  Law  Much  Older  than  Sinai. 

Laws  spring  from  the  instinct  of  self-preserva- 
tion. Industry  objected  to  supporting  idleness,  and 
laws  were  made  against  theft.  Laws  were  made 
against  murder,  because  a  very  large  majority  of 
the  people  have  always  objected  to  being  murdered. 
All  fundamental  laws  were  born  simply  of  the  in- 
stinct of  self  defence.  Long  before  the  Jewish  sava- 
ges assembled  at  the  foot  of  Sinai,  laws  had  been 
made  and  enforced,  not  only  in  Egypt  and  India, 
but  by  every  tribe  that  ever  existed, 


INGERSOLLIA.  209 

372.    Who  is  the  Blasphemer  P 

There  was  no  pity  in  inspired  war.  God  raised 
the  black  flag,  and  commanded  his  soldiers  to  kill 
even  the  smiling  infant  in  its  mother's  arms.  Who 
is  the  blasphemer;  the  man  who  denies  the  existence 
of  God,  or  he  who  covers  the  robes  of  the  infinite 
with  innocent  blood? 

373.    Standing  Up  for  God. 

We  are  told  in  the  Pentateuch  that  God,  the  father 
of  us  all,  gave  thousands  of  maidens,  after  having 
killed  their  fathers,  their  mothers,  and  their 
brothers,  to  satisfy  the  brutal  lusts  of  savage  men. 
If  there  be  a  God,  I  pray  him  to  write  in  his  book, 
opposite  my  name,  that  I  denied  this  lie  for  him. 

374.    Matter  and  Force. 

The  statement  in  the  beginning  God  created  the 
heaven  and  the  earth,  I  cannot  accept.  It  is  con- 
trary to  my  reason,  and  I  cannot  believe  it.  It  ap- 
pears reasonable  for  me  that  force  has  existed  from 
eternity.  Force  cannot,  as  it  appears  to  me,  exist 
apart  from  matter.  Force,  in  its  nature,  is  forever 
active,  and  without  matter  it  could  not  act;  and  so  I 
think  matter  must  have  existed  forever.  To  con- 
ceive of  matter  without  force,  or  of  force  without 
matter,  or  of  a  time  when  neither  existed,  'or  of  a 
being  who  existed  for  an  eternity  without  either, 
and  who  out  of  nothing  created  both,  is  to  me  ut- 
terly impossible, 


210  INGERSOLLIA. 

375.    Haeckel  before  Moses! 

It  may  be  that  I  am  led  to  these  conclusions  by 
"  total  depravity,"  or  that  I  lack  the  necessary  hu- 
mility of  spirit  to  satisfactorily  harmonize  Haeckel 
and  Moses;  or  that  I  am  carried  away  by  pride, 
blinded  by  reason,  given  over  to  hardness  of  heart 
that  I  might  be  damned,  but  I  never  can  believe 
that  the  earth  was  covered  with  leaves,  'and  buds, 
and  flowers,  and  fruits,  before  the  sun  with  glitter- 
ing spear  had  driven  back  the  hosts  of  night. 
376.  How  was  it  Done? 

We  are  told  that  God  made  man;  and  the  ques- 
tion naturally  arises,  how  was  this  done?  Was  it 
by  a  process  of  "evolution,"  "development;"  the 
"transmission  of  acquired  habits;"  the  "survival 
of  the  fittest,"  or  was  the  necessary  amount  of  clay 
kneaded  to  the  proper  consistency,  and  then  by  the 
hands  of  God  moulded  into  form?  Modern  science 
tells  that  man  has  been  evolved,  through  countless 
epochs,  from  the  lower  forms;  that  he  is  the  result 
of  almost  an  infinite  number  of  actions,  reactions, 
experiences,  states,  forms,  wants  and  adaptations. 
377.  General  Joshua. 

My  own  opinion  is  that  General  Joshua  knew  no 
more  about  the  motions  o'f  the  earth  than  he  did 
mercy  and  justice.  If  he  had  known  that  the  earth 
turned  upon  its  axis  at  the  rate  of  a  thousand  miles 
an  hour,  and  swept  in  its  course  about  the  sun  at 


INGERSOLLIA."1  211 

the  rate  of  sixty-eight  thousand  miles  an  hour,  he 
would  have  doubled  the  hailstones,  spoken  of  in  the 
same  chapter,  that  the  Lord  cast  down  from  heaven, 
and  allowed  the  sun  and  moon  to  rise  and  set  in  the 
usual  way. 

378.    Early  Rising  is  Barbaric  ! 

This  getting  up  so  early  in  the  morning  is  a  relic 
of  barbarism.  It  has  made  hundreds  of  thousands 
of  young  men  curse  business.  There  is  no  need 
of  getting  up  at  three  or  four  o'clock  in  the  win- 
ter morning.  The  farmer  who  persists  in  dragging 
his  wife  and  children  from  their  beds  ought  to  be 
visited  by  a  missionary.  It  is  time  enough  to  rise 
after  the  sun  has  set  the  example.  For  what  pur- 
pose do  you  get  up?  To  feed  the  cattle?  Why  not 
feed  them  more  the  night  before?  It  is  a  waste  of 
life.  In  the  old  times  they  used  to  get  up  about 
three  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  go  to  work  long 
before  the  sun  had  risen  with  "healing  upon  his 
wings,"  and  as  a  just  punishment  they  all  had  the 
ague;  and  they  ought  to  have  it  now. 

379.    Sleep  is  Medicine ! 

You  should  not  rob  your  families  of  sleep.  Sleep 
is  the  best  medicine  in  the  world.  There  is  no  such 
thing  as  health,  without  plenty  of  sleep.  Sleep  un- 
til you  are  thoroughly  rented  and  restored.  When 
you  work,  work;  and  when  you  get  through  take  a 
good,  long  and  refreshing  sleep. 


212  INGERSOLLIA. 

380.    Never  Rise  at  Four  O'Clock. 

The  man  who  cannot  get  a  living  upon  Illinois 
soil  without  rising  before  daylight  ought  to  starve. 
Eight  hours  a  day  is  enough  for  any  farmer  to  work 
except  in  harvest  time.  When  you  rise  at  four  and 
work  till  dark  what  is  life  worth?  Of  what  use  are 
all  the  improvements  in  farming?  Of  what  use  is 
all  the  improved  machinery  unless  it  tends  to  give 
the  farmer  a  little  more  leisure?  What  is  harvest- 
ing now,  compared  with  what  it  was  in  the  old 
time?  Think  of  the  days  of  reaping,  of  cradling,  of 
raking  and  binding  and  mowing.  Think  of  thresh- 
ing with  the  flail  and  winnowing  with  the  wind. 
And  now  think  of  the  reapers  and  mowers,  the 
binders  and  threshing  machines,  the  plows  and  cul- 
tivators, upon  which  the  farmer  rides  protected 
from  the  sun.  If,  with  all  these  advantages,  you 
cannot  get  a  living  without  rising  in  the  middle  of 
the  night,  go  into  some  other  business. 

381.    The  Hermit  is  Mad. 

A  hermit  is  a  mad  man.  Without  friends  and 
wife  and  child,  there  is  nothing  left  worth  living 
for.  The  unsocial  are  the  enemies  of  joy.  They 
are  filled  with  egotism  and  envy,  with  vanity  and 
hatred.  People  who  live  much  alone  become  nar- 
row and  suspicious.  They  are  apt  to  be  the  property 
of  one  idea.  They  begin  to  think  there  is  no  use  in 
anything.  They  look  upon  the  happiness  of  others 


INGERSOLLIA.  213 

as  a  kind  of  folly.    They  hate  joyous  folks,  because, 
way  down  in  their  hearts,  they  envy  them. 

382.    Duke  Orang-Outang. 

I  think  we  came  from  the  lower  animals.  I  am 
not  dead  sure  of  it,  but  think  so.  When  I  first  read 
about  it  I  didn't  like  it.  My  heart  was  filled  with 
sympathy  for  those  people  who  leave  nothing  to  be 
proud  of  except  ancestors.  I  thought  how  terrible 
this  will  be  upon  the  nobility  of  the  old  world. 
Think  of  their  being  forced  to  trace  their  ancestry 
back  to  the  Dake  Orang-Outang  or  to  the  Princess 
Chimpanzee.  After  thinking  it  all  over  I  came  to 
the  conclusion  that  I  liked  that  doctrine.  I  became 
convinced  in  spite  of  myself.  I  read  about  rudi- 
mentary bones  and  muscles.  I  was  told  that  every- 
body had  rudimentary  muscles  extending  from  the 
ear  into  the  cheek.  I  asked:  "  What  are  they  ?"  I 
was  told  :  "  They  are  the  remains  of  muscles  ;  they 
became  rudimentary  from  the  lack  of  use."  They 
went  into  bankruptcy.  They  are  the  muscles  with 
which  your  ancestors  used  to  flap  their  ears.  Well, 
at  first  I  was  greatly  astonished,  and  afterward  I 
was  more  astonished  to  find  they  had  become  rudi- 
mentary. 

383.    Self-Hade  Men. 

It  is  often  said  of  this  or  that  man  that  he  is  a  self- 
made  man — that  he  was  born  of  the  poorest  and 
humblest  parents,  and  that  with  every  obstacle  to 


214  INGERSOLLIA. 

overcome  he  became  great.  This  is  a  mistake.  Pov- 
erty is  generally  an  advantage.  Most  of  the  intel- 
lectual giants  of  the  world  have  been  nursed  at  the 
sad  but  loving  breast  of  poverty.  Most  of  those  who 
have  climbed  highest  on  the  shining  ladder  of  fame 
commenced  at  the  lowest  round.  They  were  reared 
in  the  straw  thatched  cottages  of  Europe  ;  in  the 
log  houses  of  America ;  in  the  factories  of  the  great 
cities  ;  in  the  midst  of  toil ;  in  the  smoke  and  din  of 
labor. 

384.    The  One  Window  in  the  Ark. 

A  cubit  is  twenty-two  inches;  so  that  the  ark  was 
five  hundred  and  fifty  feet  long,  ninety-one  feet 
and  eight  inches  wide,  and  fifty-five  feet  high.  The 
ark  was  divided  into  three  stories,  and  had  on  top, 
one  window  twenty -two  inches  square.  Ventilla- 
tion  must  have  been  one  of  Jehovah's  hobbies. 
Think  of  a  ship  larger  than  the  Great  Eastern  with 
only  one  window,  and  that  but  twenty-two  inches 
square! 

385.    No  Ante-Diluvian  Camp-Meetings! 

It  is  a  little  curious  that  when  God  wished  to 
reform  the  ante-diluvian  world  he  said  nothing 
about  hell;  that  he  had  no  revivals,  no  camp-meet- 
ings, no  tracts,  no  out-pourings  of  the  Holy  Ghost, 
no  baptisms,  no  noon  prayer  meetings,  and  never 
mentioned  the  great  doctrine  of  salvation  by  faith. 
If  the  orthodox  creeds  of  the  world  are  true,  all 


1NGERSOLLIA.  215 

those  people  went  to  hell  without  ever  having  heard 
that  such  a  place  existed.  If  eternal  torment  is  a 
fact,  surely  these  miserable  wretches  ought  to  have 
been  warned.  They  were  threatened  only  with 
water  when  they  were  in  fact  doomed  to  eternal  fire! 

386.    Hard  Work  in  the  Ark. 

Eight  persons  did  all  the  work.  They  attended  to 
the  wants  of  175,000  birds,  3,616  beasts,  1,300  reptiles, 
and  2,000,000  insects,  saying  nothing  of  countless 
animalculse. 

387.     What  did  Moses  know  about  the  SunP 

Can  we  believe  that  the  inspired  writer  had  any 
idea  of  the  size  of  the  sun?  Draw  a  circle  five  inches 
in  diameter,  and  by  its  side  thrust  a  pin  through  t'ho 
paper.  The  hole  made  by  the  pin  will  sustain  about 
the  same  relation  to  the  circle  that  the  earth  does 
to  the  sun.  Did  he  know  that  the  sun  was  eight 
hundred  and  sixty  thousand  miles  in  diameter;  that 
it  was  enveloped  in  an  ocean  of  fire  thousands  of 
miles  in  depth,  hotter  even  than  the  Christian's 
hell?  Did  he  know  that  the  volume  of  the  Earth  is 
less  than  one-millionth  of  that  of  the  sun?  Did  he 
know  of  the  one  hundred  and  four  planets  belonging 
to  our  solar  system,  all  children  of  the  sun?  Did  he 
know  of  Jupiter  eighty-five  thousand  miles  in 
diameter,  hundreds  of  times  as  large  as  our  earth, 
turning  on  his  axis  at  the  rate  of  twenty-five  thou- 
sand miles  an  hour  accompanied  by  four  moons, 


216  INGERSOLLIA. 

making  the  tour  of  his  orbit  once  only  in  fifty  years? 
388.    Something  for  Nothing. 

It  is  impossible  for  me  to  conceive  of  something 
being  created  for  nothing.  Nothing,  regarded  in  the 
light  of  raw  material,  is  a  decided  failure.  I  can- 
not conceive  of  matter  apart  from  force.  Neither  is 
it  possible  to  think  of  force  disconnected  with  mat- 
ter. You  cannot  imagine  matter  going  back  to 
absolute  nothing.  Neither  can  you  imagine  noth- 
ing being  changed  into  something.  You  may  be 
eternally  damned  if  you  do  not  say  that  you  can 
conceive  these  things,  but  you  cannot  conceive  them. 
Account  but  I  cannot  help  it.  In  my  judgment 
Moses  was  mistaken. 

389.    Polygamy. 

Polygamy  is  just  as  pure  in  Utah  as  it  could  have 
been  in  the  promised  land.  Love  and  virtue  are  the 
same  the  whole  world  around,  and  justice  is  the 
same  in  every  star.  All  the  languages  of  the  world 
are  not  sufficient  to  express  the  filth  of  polygamy. 
It  makes  of  man  a  beast,  of  woman  a  trembling 
slave.  It  destroys  the  fireside,  makes  virtue  an  out- 
cast, takes  from  human  speech  its  sweetest  words, 
and  leaves  the  heart  a  den,  where  crawl  and  hiss 
the  slimy  serpents  of  most  loathsome  lust.  Civiliza- 
tion rests  upon  the  family.  The  good  family  is  the 
unit  of  good  government.  The  virtues  grow  about 
the  holy  hearth  of  home — they  cluster,  bloom,  and 


1NGERSOLLIA. 

shed  their  perfume  round  the  fireside  where  the  one 
man  loves  the  one  woman.  Lover — husband — wife 
—mother — father — child — home! — without  these  sa- 
cred words  the  world  is  but  a  lair,  and  men  and 
women  merely  beasts. 
390.  The  Colonel  in  the  Kitchen— How  to  Cook  a  Beefsteak. 

There  ought  to  be  a  law  making  it  a  crime,  pun- 
ishable by  imprisonment,  to  fry  a  beefsteak.  Broil 
it;  it  is  just  as  easy,  and  when  broiled  it  is  delicious. 
Fried  beefsteak  is  not  fit  for  a  wild  beast.  You  can 
broil  even  on  a  stove.  Shut  the  front  damper — open 
the  back  one,  and  then  take  off  a  griddle.  There 
will  then  be  a  draft  down  through  this  opening.  Put 
on  your  steak,  using  a  wire  broiler,  and  not  a 
particle  of  smoke  will  touch  it,  for  the  reason  that 
the  smoke  goes  down.  If  you  try  to  broil  it  with 
the  front  damper  open  the  smoke  will  rise.  For 
broiling,  coal,  even  soft  coal,  makes  a  better  fire 
than  wood. 

391.    Fresh  Air. 

Make  your  houses  comfortable.  Do  not  huddle 
together  in  a  little  room  around  a  red-hot  stove,  with 
every  window  fastened  down.  Do  not  live  in  this 
poisoned  atmosphere,  and  then,  when  one  of  your 
children  dies,  put  a  piece  in  the  papers  commencing 
with,  ''Whereas,  it  has  pleased  divine  Providence 
to  remove  from  our  midst — ."  Have  plenty  of  air, 
and  plenty  of  warmth.  Comfort  is  health.  Do  not 


218  INGERSOLLIA. 

imagine  anything  is  unhealthy  simply  because  it  is 
pleasant.    This  is  an  old  and  foolish  idea. 

392.    Cooking  a  Fine  Art. 

Cooking  is  one  of  the  fine  arts.  Give  your  wives 
and  daughters  things  to  cook,  and  things  to  cook 
with,  and  they  will  soon  become  most  excellent 
cooks.  Good  cooking  is  the  basis  of  civilization. 
The  man  whose  arteries  and  veins  are  filled  with 
rich  blood  made  of  good  and  well  cooked  food,  has 
pluck,  courage,  endurance  and  noble  impulses.  Re- 
member that  your  wife  should  have  things  to  cook 
with. 

393.    Scathing  Impeachment  of  Intemperance. 

Intemperance  cuts  down  youth  in  its  vigor,  man- 
hood in  its  strength,  and  age  in  its  weakness.  It 
breaks  the  father's  heart,  bereaves  the  doting  mother, 
extinguishes  natural  affections,  erases  conjugal 
loves,  blots  out  filial  attachments,  blights  parental 
hope,  and  brings  down  mourning  age  in  sorrow  to 
the  grave.  It  produces  weakness,  not  strength; 
sickness,  not  health ;  death,  not  life.  It  makes 
wives  widows  ;  children  orphans  ;  fathers  fiends, 
and  all  of  them  paupers  and  beggars.  It  feeds 
rheumatism,  nurses  gout,  welcomes  epidemics,  in- 
vites cholera,  imports  pestilence  and  embraces  con- 
sumption. It  covers  the  land  with  idleness,  misery 
and  crime.  It  fills  your  jails,  supplies  your  alms- 
houses  and  demands  your  asylums.  It  engenders 


INGERSOLLIA.  219 

controversies,  fosters  quarrels,  and  cherishes  riots. 
It  crowds  your  penitentiaries  and  furnishes  victims 
to  your  scaffolds.  It  is  the  life  blood  of  the  gam- 
bler, the  element  of  the  burglar,  the  prop  of  the 
highwayman  and  the  support  of  the  midnight  in- 
cendiary. It  countenances  the  liar,  respects  the 
thief,  esteems  the  blasphemer.  It  violates  obliga- 
tions, reverences  fraud,  and  honors  infamy.  It  de- 
fames benevolence,  hates  love,  scorns  virtue  and 
slanders  innocence.  It  incites  the  father  to  butcher 
his  helpless  offspring,  helps  the  husband  to  massacre 
his  wife,  and  the  child  to  grind  the  paricidal  ax.  It 
burns  up  men,  consumes  women,  detests  life,  curses 
God,  and  despises  heaven.  It  suborns  witnesses, 
nurses  perjury,  defiles  the  jury  box,  and  stains  the 
judicial  ermine.  It  degrades  the  citizen,  debases 
the  legislator,  dishonors  statesmen,  and  disarms  the 
patriot.  It  brings  shame,  not  honor;  terror,  not 
safety  ;  despair,  not  hope  ;  misery,  not  happiness ; 
and  with  the  malevolence  of  a  fiend,  it  calmly  sur- 
veys its  frightful  desolation,  and  unsatisfied  with 
its  havoc,  it  poisons  felicity,  kills  peace,  ruins  morals, 
blights  confidence,  slays  reputation,  and  wipes  out 
national  honors,  then  curses  the  world  and  laughs 

at  its  ruin. 

394.    Liberty  Defined. 

The  French  convention  gave  the  best  definition  of 
liberty  I  have  ever  read  :  "  The  liberty  of  one  citizen 
ceases  only  where  the  liberty  of  another  citizen  com- 


220  INGERSOLL1A. 

mences."  I  know  of  no  better  definition.  I  ask  you 
to-day  to  make  a  declaration  of  individual  independ- 
ence. And  if  you  are  independent,  be  just.  Allow 
everybody  else  to  make  his  declaration  of  individ- 
ual independence.  Allow  your  wife,  allow  your 
husband,  allow  your  children  to  make  theirs.  It 
is  a  grand  thing  to  be  the  owner  of  yourself.  It 
is  a  grand  thing  to  protect  the  rights  of  others.  It 
is  a  sublime  thing  to  be  free  and  just. 
395.  Free,  Honest  Thought 

I  am  going  to  say  what  little  I  can  to  make  the 
American  people  brave  enough  and  generous  enough 
and  kind  enough  to  give  everybody  else  the  rights 
they  have  themselves.  Can  there  ever  be  any  prog- 
ress in  this  world  to  amount  to  anything  until  we 
have  liberty  ?  The  thoughts  of  a  man  who  is  not 
free  are  not  worth  much — not  much.  A  man  who 
thinks  with  the  club  of  a  creed  above  his  head — a 
man  who  thinks  casting  his  eye  askance  at  the 
flames  of  hell,  is  not  apt  to  have  very  good  thoughts. 
And  for  my  part,  I  would  not  care  to  have  any 
status  or  social  position  even  in  heaven  if  I  had  to 
admit  that  I  never  would  have  been  there  only  I  got 
scared.  When  we  are  frightened  we  do  not  think 
very  well.  If  you  want  to  get  at  the  honest  thoughts 
of  a  man  he  must  free.  If  he  is  not  free  you  will  not 
get  his  honest  thought. 

396.    Ingersoll  Prefers  Shoemakers  to  Princes. 

The  other  day  there  came  shoemakers,  potters, 


INGERSOLL1A.  221 

workers  in  wood  and  iron,  from  Europe,  and  they 
were  received  in  the  city  of  New  York  as  though 
they  had  been  princes.  They  had  been  sent  by  the 
great  republic  of  France  to  examine  into  the  arts 
and  manufactures  of  the  great  republic  of  America. 
They  looked  a  thousand  times  better  to  me  than  the 
Edward  Alberts  and  Albert  Edwards — the  royal  ver- 
min, that  live  on  the  body  politic.  And  I  would 
think  much  more  of  our  government  if  it  would  fete 
and  feast  them,  instead  of  wining  and  dining  the 
imbeciles  of  a  royal  line. 

397.    Sham  Dignity 

I  hate  dignity.  I  never  saw  a  dignified  man  that 
was  not  after  all  an  old  idiot.  Dignity  is  a  mask;  a 
dignified  man  is  afraid  that  you  will  know  he  does 
not  know  everything.  A  man  of  sense  and  argu- 
ment is  always  willing  to  admit  what  he  don't  know 
—why?  —  because  there  is  so  much  that  he  does 
know ;  and  that  is  the  first  step  towards  learning 
anything  —  willingness  to  admit  what  you  don't 
know,  and  when  you  don't  understand  a  thing,  ask 
— no  matter  how  small  and  silly  it  may  look  to  other 
people — ask,  and  after  that  you  know.  A  man  never 
is  in  a  state  of  mind  that  he  can  learn  until  he  gets 
that  dignified  nonsense  out  of  him. 

398.    A  Good  Time  Coming! 

The  time  is  coming  when  a  man  will  be  rated  at 
his  real  worth,  and  that  by  his  brain  and  heart.  We 


222  INGERSOLLIA. 

care  nothing  now  about  an  officer  unless  he  fills  his 
place.  The  time  will  come  when  no  matter  how 
much  money  a  man  has  he  will  not  be  respected  un- 
less he  is  using  it  for  the  benefit  of  his  fellow-men. 
It  will  soon  be  here. 

399.    "Who  is  the  True  Nobleman  P 

We  are  a  great  people.  Three  millions  have  in- 
creased to  fifty — thirteen  States  to  thirty-eight.  We 
have  better  homes,  and  more  of  the  conveniences  of 
life  than  any  other  people  upon  the  face  of  the 
globe.  The  farmers  of  our  country  live  better  than 
did  the  kings  and  princes  two  hundred  years  ago— 
and  they  have  twice  as  much  sense  and  heart.  Lib- 
erty and  labor  have  given  us  all.  Remember  that 
all  men  have  equal  rights.  Remember  that  the  man 
who  acts  best  his  part — who  loves  his  friends  the 
best — is  most  willing  to  help  others— truest  to  the 
obligation — who  has  the  best  heart — the  most  feel- 
ing— the  deepest  sympathies — and  who  freely  gives 
to  others  the  rights  that  he  claims  for  himself,  is  the 
true  nobleman.  We  have  disfranchised  the  aristo- 
crats of  the  air  and  have  given  one  country  to  man- 
kind. 

400.    Wanted  ! — More  Manliness. 

I  had  a  thousand  times  rather  have  a  farm  and  be 
independent,  than  to  be  President  of  the  United 
States,  without  independence,  filled  with  doubt  and 
trembling,  feeling  of  the  popular  pulse,  resorting  to 


INGERSOLLIA.  223 

art  and  artifice,  inquiring  about  the  wind  of  opinion, 
and  succeeding  at  last  in  losing  my  self-respect 
without  gaining  the  respect  of  others.  Man  needs 
more  manliness,  more  real  independence.  We  must 
take  care  of  ourselves.  This  we  can  do  by  labor, 
and  in  this  way  we  can  preserve  our  independence. 
We  should  try  and  choose  that  business  or  profes- 
sion the  pursuit  of  which  will  give  us  the  most  hap- 
piness. Happiness  is  wealth.  We  can  be  happy 
without  being  rich — without  holding  office — without 
being  famous.  I  am  not  sure  that  we  can  be  happy 
with  wealth,  with  office,  or  with  fame. 

401.    Education  of  Nature. 

It  has  been  a  favorite  idea  with  me  that  our  fore- 
fathers were  educated  by  nature;  that  they  grew 
grand  as  the  continent  upon  which  they  landed;  that 
the  great  rivers — the  wide  plains — the  splendid  lakes 
—the  lonely  forests — the  sublime  mountains — that 
all  these  things  stole  into  and  became  a  part  of  their 
being,  and  they  grew  great  as  the  country  in  which 
they  lived.  They  began  to  hate  the  narrow,  con- 
tracted views  of  Europe.  They  were  educated  by 
their  surroundings. 

402.    The  "Worker  Wearing  the  Purple. 

I  want  to  see  a  workingman  have  a  good  house, 
painted  white,  grass  in  the  front  yard,  carpets  on 
the  floor  and  pictures  on  the  wall.  I  want  to  see 
him  a  man  feeling  that  he  is  a  king -by  the  divine 


224  INGEESOLLIA. 

right  of  living  in  the  Republic.  And  every  man 
here  is  just  a  little  bit  a  king,  you  know.  Every 
man  here  is  a  part  of  the  sovereign, power.  Every 
man  wears  a  little  of  purple;  every  man  has  a  little 
of  crown  and  a  little  of  sceptre;  and  every  man  that 
will  sell  his  vote  for  money  or  be  ruled  by  prejudice 
is  unfit  to  be  an  American  citizen. 
403.  Flowers. 

Beautify  your  grounds  with  plants  and  flowers 
and  vines.  Have  good  gardens.  Remember  that 
everything  of  beauty  tends  to  the  elevation  of  man. 
Every  little  morning-glory  whose  purple  bosom  is 
thrilled  with  the  amorous  kisses  of  the  sun  tends  to 
put  a  blossom  in  your  heart.  Do  not  judge  of  the 
value  of  everything  by  the  market  reports.  Every 
flower  about  a  house  certifies  to  the  refinement  of 
somebody.  Every  vine,  climbing  and  blossoming, 
tells  of  love  and  joy. 

404.    Be  Happy— Here  and  Now  I 

The  grave  is  not  a  throne,  and  a  corpse  is  not  a 
king.  The  living  have  a  right  to  control  this  world. 
I  think  a  good  deal  more  of  to  day  than  I  do  of  yes- 
terday, and  I  think  more  of  to-morrow  than  I  do  of 
this  day;  because  it  is  nearly  gone — that  is  the  way 
I  feel.  The  time  to  be  happy  is  now;  the  way  to  be 
happy  is  to  make  somebody  else  happy  and  the  place 
to  be  happy  is  here. 

405.    The  School  House  a  Fort. 

Education  is  the  most  radical  thing  in  the  world. 


INGERSOLLIA.  225 

To  teach  the  alphabet  is  to  inaugurate  a  revolution. 
To  build  a  school  house  is  to  construct  a  fort.  A 
library  is  an  arsenel. 

406.    We  are  Getting  Free. 

We  are  getting  free.  We  are  thinking  in  every 
direction.  We  are  investigating  with  the  micro- 
scope and  the  telescope.  We  are  digging  into  the 
earth  and  finding  souvenirs  of  all  the  ages.  We  are 
finding  out  something  about  the  laws  of  health  and 
disease.  We  are  adding  years  to  the  span  of  human 
life  and  we  are  making  the  world  fit  to  live  in. 
That  is  what  we  are  doing,  and  every  man  that  has 
an  honest  thought  and  expresses  it  helps,  and  every 
man  that  tries  to  keep  honest  thought  from  being 
expressed  is  an  obstruction  and  a  hindrance. 

407.    The  Solid  Bock. 

I  have  made  up  my  mind  that  if  there  is  a  God  He 
will  be  merciful  to  the  mercitul.  Upon  that  rock  I 
stand.  That  He  will  forgive  the  forgiving ;  upon 
that  rock  I  stand.  That  every  man  should  be  true 
to  .himself,  and  that  there  is  no  world,  no  star,  in 
which  honesty  is  a  crime ;  and  upon  that  rock  I 
stand.  An  honest  man,  a  good,  kind,  sweet  woman, 
or  a  happy  child,  has  nothing  to  fear,  neither  in  this 
world  nor  the  world  to  come  ;  and  upon  that  rock  I 
stand. 


408.    The  GospSl  of  Cheerfulness. 

I  believe  in  the  gospel  of  cheerfulness  ;  the  gospel 
of  good  nature ;  in  the  gospel  of  good  health.  Let 
us  pay  some  attention  to  our  bodies ;  take  care  of 
our  bodies,  and  our  souls  will  take  care  of  them- 
selves. Good  health  !  I  believe  the  time  will  come 
when  the  public  thought  will  be  so  great  and  grand 
that  it  will  be  looked  upon  as  infamous  to  perpetuate 
disease.  I  believe  the  time  will  come  when  men 
will  not  fill  the  future  with  consumption  and  with 
insanity.  I  believe  the  time  will  come  when  with 
studying  ourselves  and  understanding  the  laws  of 
health,  we  will  say  we  are  under  obligations  to  put 
the  flags  of  health  in  the  cheeks  of  our  children. 
Even  if  I  got  to  Heaven,  and  had  a  harp,  I  would 
hate  to  look  back  upon  my  children  and  see  them 
diseased,  deformed,  crazed,  all  suffering  the  penalty 
of  crimes  that  I  had  committed. 

409.    The  Gospel  of  Liberty. 

And  I  believe,  too,  in  the  gospel  of  liberty, — of 
(226) 


INGERSOLLIA.  227 

giving  to  others  what  we  claim.  And  I  believe  there 
is  room  everywhere  for  thought,  and  the  more  lib- 
erty you  give  away  the  more  you  will  have.  In  lib- 
erty extravagance  is  economy.  Let  us  be  just,  let 
us  be  generous  to  each  other. 

410.  The  Gospel  of  JGood  Living. 

I  believe  in  the  gospel  of  good  living.  You  cannot 
make  any  God  happy  by  fasting.  Let  us  have  good 
food,  and  let  us  have  it  well  cooked  ;  it  is  a  thousand 
times  better  to  know  how  to  cook  it  than  it  is  to  un- 
derstand any  theology  in  the  world.  I  believe  in 
the  gospel  of  good  clothes.  I  believe  in  the  gospel 
of  good  houses  ;  in  the  gospel  of  water  and  soap. 

411.  The  Gospel  of  Intelligence. 

I  believe  in  the  gospel  of  intelligence.  That  is  the 
only  lever  capable  of  raising  mankind.  I  believe  in 
the  gospel  of  intelligence;  in  the  gospel  of  education. 
The  school-house  is  my  cathedral ;  the  universe  is 
my  Bible.  Intelligence  must  rule  triumphant.  Hu- 
manity is  the  grand  religion.  And  no  God  can  put 
a  man  into  hell  in  another  world  who  has  made  a 
little  heaven  in  this.  God  cannot  make  miserable  a 
man  who  has  made  somebody  else  happy.  God  can 
not  hate  anybody  who  is  capable  of  loving  his  neigh- 
bor. So  I  believe  in  this  great  gospel  of  generosity. 
Ah,  but  they  say  it  won't  do.  You  must  believe.  I 
say  no.  My  gospel  of  health  will  prolong  life  ;  my 
gospel  of  intelligence,  my  gospel  of  loving,  my  gos- 


228  INGERSOLLIA. 

pel  of  good-fellowship  will  cover  the  world  with 
happy  homes.  My  doctrine  will  put  carpets  upon 
your  floors,  pictures  upon  your  walls.  My  doctrine 
will  put  books  upon  your  shelves,  ideas  in  your 
mind.  My  doctrine  will  relieve  the  world  of  the  ab- 
normal monsters  born  of  the  ignorance  of  supersti- 
tion. My  doctrine  will  give  us  health,  wealth,  and 
happiness.  That  is  what  I  want.  That  is  what  I 
believe  in. 

412.    The  Gospel  of  Justice. 

I  believe  in  the  gospel  of  justice, — that  we  must 
reap  what  we  sow.  I  do  not  believe  in  forgiveness. 
If  I  rob  Mr.  Smith,  and  God  forgive  me,  how  does 
that  help  Smith  ?  If  I  by  slander  cover  some  poor 
girl  with  the  leprosy  of  some  imputed  crime,  and 
she  withers  away  like  a  blighted  flower,  and  after- 
wards I  get  forgiveness,  how  does  that  help  her?  If 
there  is  another  world,  we  have  got  to  settle  ;  no 
bankruptcy  court  there.  Pay  down.  Among  the 
ancient  Jews  if  you  committed  a  crime  you  had  to 
kill  a  sheep  ;  now  they  say,  "  Charge  it.  Put  it  on 
the  slate."  It  won't  do.  For  every  crime  you  com- 
mit you  must  answer  to  yourself  and  to  the  one 
you  injure.  And  if  you  have  ever  clothed  another 
with  unhappiness  as  with  a  garment  cf  pain,  you 
will  never  be  quite  as  happy  as  though  you  hadn't 
done  that  thing.  No  forgiveness,  eternal,  inexora- 
ble, everlasting  justice — that  is  what  I  believe  in. 


INGERSOLLIA.  229 

And  if  it  goes  hard  with  me,  I  will  stand  it.     And  I 
will  stick  to  my  logic,  and  I  will  bear  it  like  a  man. 


Eems  From  the  Eontroversia!  Gasket. 

Latest  Utterances  of   Colonel  Robert  G.  Ingersoll, 

in  a  Controversy  with  Judge   Jere  S.  Black, 

on  "  The  Christian  Religion" 

413.    The  Origin  of  the  Controversy. 

Several  months  ago,  The  North  American  Review 
asked  me  to  write  an  article,  saying  that  it  would  be 
published  if  some  one  would  furnish  a  reply.  '  I 
wrote  the  article  that  appeared  in  the  August  num- 
ber, and  by  me  it  was  entitled  "Is  All  of  the  Bible 
Inspired?"  Not  until  the  article  was  written  did  I 
know  who  was  expected  to  answer.  I  make  this 
explanation  for  the  [purpose  of  dissipating  the  im- 
pression that  Mr.  Black  had  been  challenged  by  me. 
To  have  struck  his  shield  with  my  lance  might  have 
given  birth  to  the  impression  that  I  was  somewhat 
doubtful  as  to  the  correctness  of  my  position.  I 
naturally  expected  an  answer  from  some  profes- 
sional theologian,  and  was  surprised  to  find  that  a 
reply  had  been  written  by  a  "  policeman,"  who  im- 
agined that  he  had  answered  my  arguments  by  sim- 

(230) 


INGERSOLLIA.  231 

ply  telling  me  that  my  statements  were  false.  It  is 
somewhat  unfortunate  that  in  a  discussion  like  this 
any  one  should  resort  to  the  slightest  personal  de- 
traction. The  theme  is  great  enough  to  engage  the 
highest  faculties  of  the  human  mind,  and  in  the 
investigation  of  such  a  subject  vituperation  is  sin- 
gularly and  vulgarly  out  of  place.  Arguments  can- 
not be  answered  with  insults.  It  is  unfortunate 
that  the  intellectual  arena  should  be  entered  by  a 
"policeman,"  who  has  more  confidence  in  concus- 
sion than  discussion.  Kindness  is  strength.  Good 
nature  is  often  mistaken  for  virtue,  and  good  health 
sometimes  passes  for  genius.  Anger  blows  out  the 
lamp  of  the  mind.  In  the  examination  of  a  great 
and  important  question,  every  one  should  be  serene, 
slow-pulsed,  and  calm.  Intelligence  is  not  the  foun- 
dation of  arrogance.  Insolence  is  not  logic.  Epi- 
thets are  the  arguments  of  malice.  Candor  is  the 
courage  of  the  soul.  Leaving  the  objectionable 
portion  of  Mr.  Black's  reply,  feeling  that  so  grand 
a  subject  should  not  be  blown  and  tainted  with  ma- 
licious words,  I  proceed  to  answer  as  best  I  may  the 
arguments  he  has  urged. 

414.    What  is  Christianity? 

Of  course  it  is  still  claimed  that  we  are  a  Christian 
people,  indebted  to  something  we  -  call  Christianity, 
for  all  the  progress  we  have  made.  There  is  still  a 
vast  difference  of  opinion  as  to  what  Christianity 
really  is,  although  many  wavering  sects  have  been 


232  INGERSOLL1A. 

discussing  that  question,  with  fire  and  sword  through 
centuries  of  creed  and  crime.  Every  new  sect  has 
been  denounced  at  its  birth  as  illegitimate,  as  some- 
thing born  out  of  orthodox  wedlock,  and  that  should 
have  been  allowed  to  perish  on  the  steps  where  it 
was  found. 

415.  Summary  of  Evangelical  Belief. 
Among  the  evangelical  churches  there  is  a  sub- 
stantial agreement  upon  what  they  consider  the 
fundamental  truths  of  the  gospel.  These  funda- 
mental truths,  as  I  understand  them,  are: — That 
there  is  a  personal  God,  the  creator  of  the  material 
universe;  that  he  made  man  of  the  dust,  and  woman 
from  part  of  the  man;  that  the  man  and  woman 
were  tempted  by  the  devil;  that  they  were  turned 
out  of  the  garden  of  Eden;  that,  about  fifteen  hun- 
dred years  afterward,  God's  patience  having  been 
exhausted  by  the  wickedness  of  mankind,  He 
drowned  His  children,  with  the  exception  of  eight 
persons;  that  afterward  He  selected  from  their  de- 
scendants Abraham,  and  through  him  the  Jewish 
people;  that  He  gave  laws  to  these  people,  and  tried 
to  govern  them  in  all  things;  that  He  made  known 
His  will  in  many  ways;  that  He  wrought  a  vast 
number  of  miracles;  that  He  inspired  men  to  write 
the  Bible;  that,  in  the  fullness  of  time,  it  having 
been  found  impossible  to  reform  mankind,  this  God 
came  upon  earth  as  a  child  born  of  the  Virgin  Mary ; 
that  He  lived  in  Palestine;  that  He  preached  for 


INGEHSOLLIA.  233 

about  three  years,  going  from  place  to  place,  occas- 
ionally raising  the  dead,  curing  the  blind  and  the 
halt;  that  He  was  crucified—  for  the  crime  of  blas- 
phemy, as  the  Jews  supposed,  but,  that  as  a  matter 
of  fact,  He  was  offered  as  a  sacrifice  for  the  sins  of 
all  who  might  have  faith  in  Him;  that  He  was  rais- 
ed from  the  dead  and  ascended  into  heaven,  where 
He  now  is,  making  intercession  for  His  followers; 
that  He  will  forgive  the  sins  of  all  who  believe  on 
Him,  and  that  those  who  do  not  believe  will  be  con- 
signed to  the  dungeons  of  eternal  pain.  These — (it 
may  be  with  the  addition  of  the  sacraments  of  Bap- 
tism and  the  Last  Supper)  —  constitute  what  is 
generally  known  as  the  Christian  religion. 

416.     A  Profound  Change  in  the  World  of  Thought. 

A  profound  change  has  taken  place  in  the  world 
of  thought.  The  pews  are  trying  to  set  themselves 
somewhat  above  the  pulpit.  The  layman  discusses 
theology  with  the  minister,  and  smiles.  Christians 
excuse  themselves  for  belonging  to  the  church  by 
denying  a  part  of  the  creed.  The  idea  is  abroad 
that  they  who  know  the  most  of  nature  believe  the 
least  about  theology.  The  sciences  are  regarded  as 
infidels,  and  facts  as  scoffers.  Thousands  of  most 
excellent  people  avoid  churches,  and,  with  few  ex- 
ceptions, only  those  attend  prayer  meetings  who 
wish  to  be  alone.  The  pulpit  is  losing  because  the 
people  are  rising. 


234  INGEKSOLLIA. 

417.    The  Believer  in  the  Inspiration  of  the  Bible  has  too 
Much  to  Believe. 

But  the  believer  in  the  inspiration  of  the  Bible  is 
compelled  to  declare  that  there  was  a  time  when 
slavery  was  right — when  men  could  buy  and  women 
sell  their  babes.  He  is  compelled  to  insist  that  there 
was  a  time  when  polygamy  was  the  highest  form  of 
virtue;  when  wars  of  extermination  were  waged 
with  the  sword  of  mercy;  when  religious  toleration 
was  a  crime,  and  when  death  was  the  just  penalty 
for  having  expressed  an  honest  thought.  He  must 
maintain  that  Jehovah  is  just  as  bad  now  as  he  was 
four  thousand  years  ago,  or  that  he  was  just  as 
good  then  as  he  is  now,  but  that  human  conditions 
have  so  changed  that  slavery,  polygamy,  religious 
persecutions  and  wars  of  conquest  are  now  perfect- 
ly devilish.  Once  they  were  right —  once  they  were 
commanded  by  God  himself;  now,  they  are  prohib- 
ited. There  has  been  such  a  change  in  the  condi- 
tions of  man  that,  at  the  present  time,  the  devil  is 
in  favor  of  slavery,  polygamy,  religious  persecution 
and  wars  of  conquest.  That  is  to  say,  the  devil  en- 
tertains the  same  opinion  to-day  that  Jehovah  held 
four  thousand  years  ago,  but  'in  the  meantime  Je- 
hovah has  remained  exactly. the  same — changeless 
and  incapable  of  change. 

418.    A  Frank  Admission. 

It  is  most  cheerfully  admitted  that  a  vast  number 
of  people  not  only  believe  these  things,  but  hold 


1NGERSOLL1A.  235 

them  in  exceeding  reverence,  and  imagine  them  to 
be  of  the  utmost  importance  to  mankind.  They 
regard  the  Bible  as  the  only  light  that  God  has  giv- 
en for  the  guidance  of  His  children;  that  it  is  the 
one  star  in  nature's  sky — the  foundation  of  all  mor- 
ality, of  all  law,  of  all  order,  and  of  all  individual 
and  national  progress.  They  regard  it  as  the  only 
means  we  have  for  ascertaining  the  will  of  God, 
the  origin  of  man,  and  the  destiny  of  the  soul.  In 
my  opinion  they  were  mistaken.  The  mistake  has 
hindered  in  countless  ways  the  civilization  of  man. 

410.    The  Bible  Should  be  Better  than  any  other  Book. 

In  all  ages  of  which  any  record  has  been  preserved, 
there  have  been  those  who  gave  their  ideas  of  just- 
ice, charity,  liberty,  love,  and  law.  Now,  if  the 
Bible  is  really  the  work  of  God,  it  should  contain 
the  grandest  and  sublimest  truths.  It  should,  in  all 
respects,  excel  the  works  of  man.  Within  that 
book  should  be  found  the  best  and  loftiest  definitions 
of  justice  ;  the  truest  conceptions  of  human  liberty; 
the  clearest  outlines  of  duty ;  the  tenderest,  the 
highest,  and  the  noblest  thoughts, — not  that  the  hu- 
man mind  has  produced,  but  that  the  human  mind 
is  capable  of  receiving.  Upon  every  page  should 
be  found  the  luminous  evidence  of  its  divine  origin. 
Unless  it  contains  grander  and  more  wonderful 
things  than  man  has  written,  we  are  not  only  justi- 
fied in  saying,  but  we  are  compelled  to  say,  that  it 
was  written  by  no  bemg  superior  to  man. 


420.    A  Serious  Charge. 

The  Bible  has  been  the  fortress  and  the  defense  of 
nearly  every  crime.  No  civilized  country  could  re- 
enact  its  laws.  And  in  many  respects  its  moral  code 
is  abhorent  to  every  good  and  tender  man.  It  is  ad- 
mitted, however,  that  many  of  its  precepts  are  pure, 
that  many  of  its  laws  are  wise  and  just,  and  that 
many  of  its  statements  are  absolutely  true. 

421.  If  the  Bible  is  Not  Verbally  Inspired,  What  Then  ? 
It  may  be  said  that  it  is  unfair  to  call  attention  to 
certain  bad  things  in  the  Bible,  while  the  good  are 
not  so  much  as  mentioned.  To  this  it  may  be  replied 
that  a  divine  being  would  not  put  bad  things  in  a 
book.  Certainly  a  being  of  infinite  intelligence, 
power,  and  goodness  could  never  fall  below  the  ideal 
of  "  depraved  and  barbarous  "  man.  It  will  not  do, 
after  we  find  that  the  Bible  upholds  what  we  now 
call  crimes,  to  say  that  it  is  not  verbally  inspired.  If 
the  words  are  not  inspired,  what  is  ?  It  may  be 
said  that  the  thoughts  are  inspired.  But  this  would 
include  only  the  thoughts  expressed  without  words. 
If  the  ideas  are  inspired,  they  must  be  contained  in 
and  expressed  only  by  inspired  words  ;  that  is  to  say, 
the  arrangement  of  the  words,  with  relation  to  each 
other,  must  have  been  inspired. 

422.    A  Hindu  Example. 

Suppose  that  we  should  now  discover  a  Hindu 
book  of  equal  antiquity  with  the  Old  Testament, 


INGERSOLLIA. 

Containing  a  defense  of  slavery,  polygamy,  wars  of 
extermination,  and  religious  persecution,  would  we 
regard  it  as  evidence  that  the  writers  were  inspired 
by  an  infinitely  wise  and  merciful  God  ? 

423.    A  Test  Fairly  Applied. 

Suppose  we  knew  that  after  "  inspired  "  men  had 
finished  the  Bible,  the  devil  had  got  possession  of  it 
and  wrote  a  few  passages,  what  part  of  the  sacred 
Scriptures  would  Christians  now  pick  out  as  being 
probably  his  work?  Which  of  the  following  passa- 
ges would  naturally  be  selected  as  having  been 
written  by  the  devil — "Love  thy  neighbor  as  thy- 
self," or  "Kill  all  the  males  among  the  little  ones, 
and  kill  every  woman;  but  all  the  women  children 
keep  alive  for  yourselves?" 

424.    Suppose ! 

It  will  hardly  be  claimed  at  this  day,  that  the 
passages  in  the  Bible  upholding  slavery,  polygamy, 
war,  and  religious  persecution  are  evidences  of  the 
inspiration  of  that  book.  Suppose  that  there  had 
been  nothing  in  the  Old  Testament  upholding  these 
crimes  would  any  modern  Christian  suspect  that  it 
was  not  inspired  on  account  of  that  omission?  Sup- 
pose that  there  had  been  nothing  in  the  Old  Testa- 
ment but  laws  in  favor  of  these  crimes,  would  any 
intelligent  Christian  now  contend  that  it  was  the 
work  of  the  true  God? 


238  INGERSOLLIA. 

425.    Proofs  of  Civilization. 

We  know  that  there  was  a  time  in  the  history  of 
almost  every  nation  when  slavery,  polygamy,  and 
wars  of  extermination  were  regarded  as  divine  in- 
stitutions; when  women  were  looked  upon  as  beasts 
of  burden,  and  when,  among  some  people,  it  was 
considered  the  duty  of  the  husband  to  murder  the 
wife  for  differing  with  him  on  the  subject  of  reli- 
gion. Nations  that  entertain  these  views  to-day  are 
regarded  as  savage,  and,  probably,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  the  South  Sea  islanders,  the  Feejees,  some 
citizens  of  Delaware,  and  a  few  tribes  in  Central 
Africa,  no  human  beings  can  be  found  degraded 
enough  to  agree  upon  these  subjects  with  the 
Jehovah  of  the  ancient  Jews.  The  only  evidence 
we  have,  or  can  have,  that  a  nation  has  ceased  to 
be  savage  is  the  fact  that  it  has  abandoned  these 
doctrines.  To  every  one,  except  the  theologian,  it 
is  perfectly  easy  to  account  for  the  mistakes,  atro- 
cities, and  crimes  of  the  past,  by  saying  that  civil- 
ization is  a  slow  and  painful  growth;  that  the  moral 
perceptions  are  cultivated  through  ages  of  tyranny, 
of  want,  of  crime,  and  of  heroism;  that  it  requires 
centuries  for  man  to  put  out  the  eyes  of  self  and 
hold  in  lofty  and  in  equal  poise  the  scales  of  justice; 
that  conscience  is  born  of  suffering;  that  mercy  is 
the  child  of  the  imagination — of  the  power  to  put 
oneself  in  the  sufferer's  place,  and  that  man  ad- 
vances only  as  he  becomes  acquainted  with  his  sur- 


INGERSOLLIA.  239 

roundings,  with  the  mutual  obligations  of  life,  and 
learns  to  take  advantage  of  the  forces  of  nature. 

426.    A  Persian    Gospel. 

Do  not  misunderstand  me.  My  position  is  that 
the  cruel  passages  in  the  Old  Testament  are  not  in- 
spired ;  that  slavery,  polygamy,  wars  of  extermina- 
tion, and  religious  persecution  always  have  been, 
are,  and  forever  will  be,  abhorred  and  cursed  by  the 
honest,  virtuous,  and  the  loving ;  that  the  innocent 
cannot  justly  suffer  for  the  guilty,  and  that  vicari- 
ous vice  and  vicarious  virtue  are  equally  absurd  ; 
that  eternal  punishment  is  eternal  revenge ;  that 
only  the  natural  can  happen ;  that  miracles  prove 
the  dishonesty  of  the  few  and  the  credulity  of  the 
many  ;  and  that,  according  to  Matthew,  Mark,  and 
Luke,  salvation  does  not  depend  upon  belief,  nor  the 
atonement,  nor  a  "  second  birth,"  but  that  these 
gospels  are  in  exact  harmony  with  the  declaration 
of  the  great  Persian:  "Taking  the  first  footstep 
with  the  good  thought,  the  second  with  the  good 
word,  and  the  third  with  the  good  deed,  I  entered 
paradise."  The  dogmas  of  the  past  no  longer  reach 
the  level  of  the  highest  thought,  nor  satisfy  the 
hunger  of  the  heart.  While  dusty  faiths,  embalmed 
and  sepulchered  in  ancient  texts,  remain  the  same, 
the  sympathies  of  men  enlarge ;  the  brain  no  longer 
kills  its  young  ;  the  happy  lips  give  liberty  to  honest 
thoughts  ;  the  mental  firmament  expands  and  lifts  j 


240  INGERSOLLIA. 

the  broken  clouds  drift  by  ;  the  hideous  dreams,  the 
foul,  misshapen  children  of  the  monstrous  night, 
dissolve  and  fade. 

427.    Man  the  Author  of  all  Books. 

So  far  as  we  know,  man  is  the  author  of  all  books. 
If  a  book  had  been  found  on  the  earth  by  the  first 
man,  he  might  have  regarded  it  as  the  work  of  God; 
but  as  men  were  here  a  good  while  before  any  books 
were  found,  and  as  man  has  produced  a  great  many 
books,  the  probability  is  that  the  Bible  is  no  ex- 
ception. 

428.    God  and  Brahma. 

Can  we  believe  that  God  ever  said  of  any  :  "  Let 
his  children  be  fatherless  and  his  wife  a  widow;  let 
his  children  be  continually  vagabonds,  and  beg;  let 
them  seek  their  bread  also  out  of  their  desolate 
places;  let  the  extortioner  catch  all  that  he  hath  and 
let  the  stranger  spoil  his  labor,  let  there  be  none  to 
extend  mercy  unto  him,  neither  let  there  be  any  to 
favor  his  fatherless  children."  If  he  ever  said  these 
words,  surely  he  had  never  heard  this  line,  this 
strain  of  music,  from  the  Hindu  :  "Sweet  is  the  lute 
to  those  who  have  not  heard  the  prattle  of  their  own 
children."  Jehovah,  "from  the  clouds  and  dark- 
ness of  Sinai,"  said  to  the  Jews:  "  Thou  shalt  have 
no  other  gods  before  me.  .  .  .  Thou  shalt  not  bow 
down  thyself  to  them  nor  serve  them ;  for  I,  the 
Lord  thy  God,  am  a  jealous  God,  visiting  the  iniqui- 


INGERSOLLIA.  241 

ties  of  the  fathers  upon  the  children,  unto  the  third 
and  fourth  generation  of  them  that  hate  me."  Con- 
trast this  with  the  words  put  by  the  Hindu  in  the 
mouth  of  Brahma:  "  I  am  the  same  to  all  mankind. 
They  who  honestly  serve  other  gods,  involuntarily 
worship  me.  I  am  he  who  partaketh  of  all  worship, 
and  I  am  the  reward  of  all  worshipers."  Compare 
these  passages.  The  first,  a  dungeon  where  crawl 
the  things  begot  of  jealous  slime;  the  other,  great  as 
the  domed  firmament  inlaid  with  suns. 

429.    Matthew,  Mark,  and  Luke. 

And  I  here  take  occasion  to  say,  that  with  most  of 
the  teachings  of  the  gospels  of  Matthew,  Mark,  and 
Luke  I  most  heartily  agree.  The  miraculous  parts 
must,  of  course,  be  thrown  aside.  I  admit  that  the 
necessity  of  belief,  the  atonement,  and  the  scheme 
of  salvation  are  all  set  forth  in  the  Gospel  of  John, 
— a  gospel,  in  my  opinion,  not  written  until  long 
after  the  others. 

430.    Christianity  Takes  no  Step  in  Advance. 

All  the  languages  of  the  world  have  not  words 
of  horror  enough  to  paint  the  agonies  of  man  when 
the  church  had  power.  Tiberius,  Caligula,  Claudius, 
Nero,  Domitian,  and  Commodus  were  not  as  cruel, 
false,  and  base  as  many  of  the  Christian  Popes. 
Opposite  the  names  of  these  imperial  criminals 
write  John  the  XII.,  Leo  theVIIL,  Boniface  the  VII., 
Benedict  the  IX.,  Innocent  the  III.,  and  Alexander 


243  INGEESOLLIA. 

the  VI.  Was  it  under  these  pontiffs  that  the 
"  church  penetrated  the  moral  darkness  like  a  new 
sun,"  and  covered  the  globe  with  institutions  of 
mercy?  Rome  was  far  better  when  Pagan  than 
when  Catholic.  It  was  better  to  allow  gladiators 
and  criminals  to  fight  than  to  burn  honest  men. 
The  greatest  of  Romans  denounced  the  cruelties  of 
the  arena.  Seneca  condemned  the  combats  even  of 
wild  beasts.  He  was  tender  enough  to  say  that 
"  we  should  have  a  bond  of  sympathy  for  all  senti- 
•ment  beings,  knowing  that  only  the  depraved  and 
base  take  pleasure  in  the  sight  of  blood  and  suffer- 
ing." Aurelius  compelled  the  gladiators  to  fight 
with  blunted  swords.  Roman  lawyers  declared  that 
all  men  are  by  nature  free  and  equal.  Woman, 
under  Pagan  rule  in  Rome,  become  as  free  as  man- 
Zeno,  long  before  the  birth  of  Christ,  taught  that 
virtue  alone  establishes  a  difference  between  men. 
We  know  that  the  CIVIL  LAW  is  the  foundation  of 
our  codes.  We  know  that  fragments  of  Greek  and 
Roman  art — a  few  manuscripts  saved  from  Christian 
destruction,  some  inventions  and  discoveries  of  the 
Moors — were  the  seeds  of  modern  civilization.  Chris- 
tianity, for  a  thousand  years,  taught  memory  to 
forget  and  reason  to  believe.  Not  one  step  was 
taken  in  advance.  Over  the  manuscripts  of  philo- 
sophers and  poets,  priests,  with  their  ignorant 
tongues  thrust  out,  devoutly  scrawled  the  forgeries 
of  faith. 


INGEESOLLIA.  243 

431.    Christianity  a  Mixture  of  Good  and  Evil. 

Mr.  Black  attributes  to  me  the  following  expres- 
sion: "Christianity  is  pernicious  in  its  moral  effect, 
darkens  the  mind,  narrows  the  soul,  arrests  the  pro- 
gress of  human  society,  and  hinders  civilization."  I 
said  no  such  thing.  Strange,  that  he  is  only  able  to 
answer  what  I  did  not  say.  I  endeavored  to  show 
that  the  passages  in  the  Old  Testament  upholding 
slavery,  polygamy,  wars  of  extermination,  and  re- 
ligious intolerance  had  filled  the  world  with  blood 
and  crime.  I  admitted  that  there  are  many  wise 
and  good  things  in  the  Old  Testament.  I  also  in- 
sisted that  the  doctrine  of  the  atonement — that  is  to 
say,  of  moral  bankruptcy  —  the  idea  that  a  certain 
belief  is  necessary  to  salvation,  and  the  frightful 
dogma  of  eternal  pain,  had  narrowed  the  soul,  had 
darkened  the  mind,  and  had  arrested  the  progress  of 
human  society.  Like  other  religions,  Christianity 
is  a  mixture  of  good  and  evil.  The  church  has 
made  more  orphans  than  it  has  fed.  It  has  never 
built  asylums  enough  to  hold  the  insane  of  its  own 
making.  It  has  shed  more  blood  than  light. 

432.    Jehovah,  Epictetus  and  Cicero. 

If  the  Bible  is  really  inspired,  Jehovah  command- 
ed the  Jewish  people  to  buy  the  children  of  the 
strangers  that  sojourned  among  them,  and  ordered 
that  the  children  thus  bought  should  be  an  inheri- 
tance for  the  children  of  the  Jews,  and  that  they 


244  INGEBSOLLIA. 

should  be  bondmen  and  bondwomen  forever.  Yet 
Epictetus,  a  man  to  whom  no  revelation  was  ever 
made,  a  man  whose  soul  followed  only  the  light  of 
nature,  and  who  had  never  heard  of  the  Jewish 
God,  was  great  enough  to  say:  "  Will  you  not  re- 
member that  your  servants  are  by  nature  your 
brothers,  the  children  of  God?  In  saying  that  you 
have  bought  them,  you  look  down  on  the  earth  and 
into  the  pit,  on  the  wretched  law  of  men  long  since 
dead, — but  you  see  not  the  laws  of  the  Gods."  We 
find  that  Jehovah,  speaking  to  his  chosen  people, 
assured  them  that  their  bondmen  and  bondmaids 
must  be  "of  the  heathen  that  were  round  about 
them."  "Of  them,"  said  Jehovah,  "shall  ye  buy 
bondmen  and  bondmaids."  And  yet  Cicero,  a  pa- 
gan, Cicero,  who  had  never  been  enlightened  by 
reading  the  Old  Testament,  had  the  moral  grandeur 
to  declare:  "  They  who  say  that  we  should  love  our 
fellow-citizens,  but  not  foreigners,  destroy  the  uni- 
versal brotherhood  of  mankind,  with  which  benevo- 
lence and  justice  would  perish  forever." 

433.    The  Atonement. 

In  countless  ways  the  Christian  world  has  en- 
deavored, for  nearly  two  thousand  years,  to  explain 
the  atonement,  and  every  effort  has  ended  in  an  ad 
mission  that  it  cannot  be  understood,  and  a  declara- 
tion that  it  must  be  believed.  Is  it  not  immoral  to 
teach  that  man  can  sin,  that  he  can  harden  his  heart 


INGERSOLLIA.  245 

and  pollute  his  soul,  and  that,  by  repenting  and  be- 
lieving something  that  he  does  not  comprehend,  he 
can  avoid  the  consequences  of  his  crimes?  Has  the 
promise  and  hope  of  forgiveness  ever  prevented  the 
commission  of  a  sin?  Should  men  be  taught  that  sin 
gives  happiness  here;  that  they  ought  to  bear  the 
evils  of  a  virtuous  life  in  this  world  for  the  sake  of 
joy  in  the  next;  that  they  can  repent  between  the 
last  sin  and  the  last  breath;  that  after  repentance 
every  stain  of  the  soul  is  washed  away  by  the  inno- 
cent blood  of  another;  that  the  serpent  of  regret  will 
not  hiss  in  the  ear  of  memory;  that  the  saved  will 
not  even  pity  the  victims  of  their  own  crimes;  that 
the  goodness  of  another  can  be  transferred  to  them; 
and  that  sins  forgiven  cease  to  affect  the  unhappy 
wretches  sinned  against? 

434.    Sin  as  a  Debt. 

The  Church  says  that  the  sinner  is  in  debt  to  God, 
and  that  the  obligation  is  discharged  by  the  Saviour. 
The  best  that  can  possibly  be  said  of  such  a  transac- 
tion is,  that  the  debt  is  transferred,  not  paid.  The 
truth  is,  that  a  sinner  is  in  debt  to  the  person  he  has 
injured.  If  a  man  injures  his  neighbor,  it  is  not 
enough  for  him  to  get  the  forgiveness  of  God,  but 
he  must  have  the  forgiveness  of  his  neighbor.  If  a 
man  puts  his  hand  in  the  fire  and  God  forgives  him, 
his  hand  will  smart  exactly  the  same.  You  must, 
after  all,  reap  what  you  sow.  No  god  can  givM  you 


246  INGERSOLLIA. 

wheat  when  you  sow  tares,  and  no  devil  can  give 
you  tares  when  you  sow  wheat. 

435.    The  Logic  of  the  Coffin. 

As  to  the  doctrine  of  the  atonement,  Mr.  Black 
has  nothing  to  offer  except  the  barren  statement 
that  it  is  believed  by  the  wisest  and  the  best.  A 
Mohammedan,  speaking  in  Constantinople,  will  say 
the  same  of  the  Koran.  A  Brahman,  in  a  Hindu 
temple,  will  make  the  same  remark,  and  so  will  the 
American  Indian,  when  he  endeavors  to  enforce 
something  upon  the  young  of  his  tribe.  He  will 
say:  "  The  best,  the  greatest  of  our  tribe  have  be- 
lieved in  this."  This  is  the  argument  of  the  ceme- 
tery, the  philosophy  of  epitaphs,  the  logic  of  the 
coffin.  We  are  the  greatest  and  wisest  and  most 
virtuous  of  mankind?  This  statement,  that  it  has 
been  believed  by  the  best,  is  made  in  connection 
with  an  admission  that  it  cannot  be  fathomed  by  the 
wisest.  It  is  not  claimed  that  a  thing  is  necessarily 
false  because  it  is  not  understood,  but  I  do  claim 
that  it  is  not  necessarily  true  because  it  cannot  be 
comprehended.  I  still  insist  that  "the  plan  of  re- 
demption," as  usually  preached,  is  absurd,  unjust, 
and  immoral. 

436.    Judas  Iscariot. 

For  nearly  two  thousand  years  Judas  Iscariot  has 
been  execrated  by  mankind;  and  yet,  if  the  doctrine 
of  the  atonement  is  true,  upon  his  treachery  hung 


INGERSOLLIA.  247 

the  plan  of  salvation.  Suppose  Judas  had  known 
of  this  plan — known  that  he  was  selected  by  Christ 
for  that  very  purpose,  that  Christ  was  depending  on 
him.  And  suppose  that  he  also  knew  that  only  by 
betraying  Christ  could  he  save  either  himself  or 
others;  what  ought  Judas  to  have  done?  Are  you 
willing  to  rely  upon  an  argument  that  justifies  the 
treachery  of  that  wretch? 

437.    The  Standard  of  Bight. 

According  to  Mr.  Black,  the  man  who  does  not 
believe  in  a  supreme  being  acknowledges  no  stan- 
dard of  right  and  wrong  in  this  world,  and  there- 
fore can  have  no  theory  of  rewards  and  punishments 
in  the  next.  Is  it  possible  that  only  those  who 
believe  in  the  God  who  persecuted  for  opinion's 
sake  have  any  standard  of  right  and  wrong?  Were 
the  greatest  men  of  all  antiquity  without  this  stan- 
dard? In  the  eyes  of  intelligent  men  of  Greece  and 
Rome,  were  all  deeds,  whether  good  or  evil,  morally 
alike?  Is  it  necessary  to  believe  in  the  existence  of 
an  infinite  intelligence  before  you  can  have  any 
standard  of  right  and  wrong?  Is  it  possible  that  a 
being  cannot  be  just  or  virtuous  unless  he  believes 
in  some  being  infinitely  superior  to  himself?  If  this 
doctrine  be  true,  how  can  God  be  just  or  virtuous? 
Does  He  believe  in  some  being  superior  to  himself  ? 

438.    What  is  Conscience  P 

What  is  conscience?    If  man  were  incapable  of 


£48  INGEftSOLLIA. 

suffering,  if  man  could  not  feel  pain,  the  word 
"conscience"  never  would  have  passed  his  lips. 
The  man  who  puts  himself  in  the  place  of  another, 
whose  imagination  has  been  cultivated  to  the  point 
of  feeling  the  agonies  suffered  by  another,  is  the 
man  of  conscience. 

439.    No  Right  to  Think! 

Mr.  Black  says,  "  We  have  neither  jurisdiction  or 
capacity  to  rejudge  the  justice  of  God."  In  other 
words,  we  have  no  right  to  think  upon  this  subject, 
no  right  to  examine  the  questions  most  vitally  af- 
fecting human-kind.  We  are  simply  to  accept  the 
ignorant  statements  of  barbarian  dead.  This  ques- 
tion cannot  be  settled  by  saying  that  "  it  would  be  a 
mere  waste  of  time  and  space  to  enumerate  the 
proofs  which  show  that  the  universe  was  created  by 
a  pre-existent  and  self-conscious  being."  The  time 
and  space  should  have  been  "wasted,"  and  the 
proofs  should  have  been  enumerated.  These 
"  proofs  "  are  what  the  wisest  and  greatest  are  try- 
ing to  find.  Logic  is  not  satisfied  with  assertion.  It 
cares  nothing  for  the  opinions  of  the  "  great,"  noth- 
ing for  the  prejudices  of  the  many,  and  least  of  all, 
for  the  superstitions  of  the  dead.  In  the  world  of 
science  —  a  fact  is  a  legal  tender.  Assertions  and 
miracles  are  base  and  spurious  coins.  We  have  the 
right  to  rejudge  the  justice  even  of  a  god.  No  one 
should  throw  away  his  reason — the  fruit  of  all  ex- 


INGEfcSOLLIA.  249 

perience.  It  is  the  intellectual  capital  of  the  soul, 
the  only  light,  the  only  guide,  and  without  it  the 
brain  becomes  the  palace  of  an  idiot  king,  attended 
by  a  retinue  of  thieves  and  hypocrites. 

440.    The   Liberty  of  the  Bible. 

This  is  the  religious  liberty  of  the  Bible.  If  you 
had  lived  in  Palestine,  and  if  the  wife  of  your  bo- 
som, dearer  to  you  than  your  own  soul,  had  said:  "I 
like  the  religion  of  India  better  than  that  of  Pales- 
tine," it  would  have  been  your  duty  to  kill  her. 
"Your  eye  must  not  pity  her,  your  hand  must  be 
first  upon  her,  and  afterwards  the  hand  of  all  the 
people."  If  she  had  said:  "  Let  us  worship  the  sun 
—the  sun  that  clothes  the  earth  in  garments  of 
green — the  sun,  the  great  fireside  of  the  world — the 
sun  that  covers  the  hills  and  valleys  with  flowers  — 
that  gave  me  your  face,  and  made  it  possible  for  me 
to  look  into  the  eyes  of  my  babe, — let  us  worship 
the  s*m,"  it  was  your  duty  to  kill  her.  You  must 
throw  the  first  stone,  and  when  against  her  bosom 
— a  bosom  filled  with  love  for  you — you  had  thrown 
the  jagged  and  cruel  rock,  and  had  seen  the  red 
stream  of  her  life  oozing  from  the  dumb  lips  of 
death,  you  could  then  look  up  and  receive  the  con- 
gratulations of  the  God  whose  commandment  you 
had  obeyed.  Is  it  possible  that  a  being  of  infinite 
mercy  ordered  a  husband  to  kill  his  wife  for  the 
crime  of  having  expressed  an  opinion  on  the  sub- 


250  INGERSOLLIA. 

ject  of  religion?  Has  there  been  found  upon  the 
records  of  the  savage  world  anything  more  perfect- 
ly fiendish  than  this  commandment  of  Jehovah? 
This  is  justified  on  the  ground  that  "blasphemy 
was  a  breach  of  political  allegiance,  and  idolatry  an 
act  of  overt  treason."  We  can  understand  how  a 
human  king  stands  in  need  of  the  service  of  his 
people.  We  can  understand  how  the  desertion  of 
any  of  his  soldiers  weakens  his  army;  but  were  the 
king  infinite  in  power,  his  strength  would  still  re- 
main the  same,  and  under  no  conceivable  circum- 
stances could  the  enemy  triumph. 

441.    Slavery  in  Heaven. 

According  to  Mr.  Black,  there  will  be  slavery  in 
Heaven,  and  fast  by  the  throne  of  God  will  be  the 
auction-block,  and  the  streets  of  the  New  Jerusalem 
will  be  adorned  with  the  whipping-post,  while  the 
music  of  the  harp  will  be  supplemented  by  the  crack 
of  the  driver's  whip.  If  some  good  Republican  would 
catch  Mr.  Black,  "  incorporate  him  into  his  family, 
tame  him,  teach  him  to  think,  and  give  him  a  knowl- 
edge of  the  true  principles  of  human  liberty  and 
government,  he  would  confer  upon  him  a  most  be- 
neficent boon."  Mr.  Black  is  too  late  with  his  pro- 
test against  the  freedom  of  his  fellow-men.  Liberty 
is  making  the  tour  of  the  world.  Russia  has  eman- 
cipated her  serfs;  the  slave  trade  is  prosecuted  only 
by  thieves  and  pirates;  Spain  feels  upon  her  cheek 


INGERSOLLIA.  251 

the  burning  blush  of  shame;  Brazil,  with  proud  and 
happy  eyes,  is  looking  for  the  dawn  of  freedom's 
day;  the  people  of  the  South  rejoice  that  slavery  is 
no  more,  and  every  good  and  honest  man  (excepting 
Mr.  Black)  of  every  land  and  clime  hopes  that  the 
limbs  of  men  will  never  feel  again  the  weary  weight 
of  chains. 

442.    Jehovah  Breaking  His  Own  Laws. 

A  very  curious  thing  about  these  Commandments 
is  that  their  supposed  author  violated  nearly  every 
one.  From  Sinai,  according  to  the  account,  He 
said:  "Thou  shalt  not  kill,"  and  yet  He  ordered  the 
murder  of  millions;  "  Thou  shalt  not  commit  adult- 
ery," and  He  gave  captured  maidens  to  gratify  the 
lust  of  captors;  "  Thou  shalt  not  steal,"  and  yet  He 
gave  to  Jewish  marauders  the  flocks  and  herds  of 
others;  "  Thou  shalt  not  covet  thy  neighbor's  house, 
nor  his  wife,"  and  yet  He  allowed  His  chosen  people 
to  destroy  the  homes  of  neighbors  and  to  steal  their 
wives;  "Honor  thy  father  and  mother,"  and  yet  this 
same  God  had  thousands  of  fathers  butchered,  and 
with  the  sword  of  war  killed  children  yet  unborn; 
"  Thou  shalt  not  bear  false  witness  against  thy 
neighbor,"  and  yet  He  sent  abroad  "  lying  spirits" 
to  deceive  His  own  prophets,  and  in  a  hundred  ways 
paid  tribute  to  deceit.  So  far  as  we  know,  Jehovah 
kept  only  one  of  these  Commandments — He  wor- 
shiped no  other  god. 


252  tNGERSOLLIA. 

443.  Who  Designed  the  Designer  ? 
I  know  as  little  as  anyone  else  about  the  "  plan  " 
of  the  universe;  and  as  to  the  "design,"  I  know 
just  as  little.  It  will  not  do  to  say  that  the  universe 
was  designed,  and  therefore  there  must  be  a  de- 
signer. There  must  first  be  proof  that  it  was  "  de- 
signed. "  It  will  not  do  to  say  that  the  universe  has 
a  "plan,"  and  then  assert  that  there  must  have  been 
an  infinite  maker.  The  idea  that  a  design  must  have 
a  beginning,  and  that  a  designer  need  not,  is  a 
simple  expression  of  human  ignorance.  We  find  a 
watch,  and  we  say:  "  So  curious  and  wonderful  a 
thing  must  have  had  a  maker."  We  find  the  watch- 
maker, and  we  say:  "So  curious  and  wonderful 
a  thing  as  man  must  have  had  a  maker."  We  find 
God  and  we  then  say:  "He  is  so  wonderful  that  he 
must  not  have  had  a  maker."  In  other  words,  all 
things  a  little  wonderful  must  have  been  created, 
but  it  is  possible  for  something  to  be  so  wonderful 
that  it  always  existed.  One  would  suppose  that 
just  as  the  wonder- increased  the  necessity  for  a 
creator  increased,  because  it  is  the  wonder  of  the 
thing  that  suggests  the  idea  of  creation.  Is  it  possi- 
ble that  a  designer  exists  from  all  eternity  without 
design?  Was  there  no  design  in  having  an  infinite 
designer?  For  me,  it  is  hard  to  see  the  plan  or  de- 
sign in  earthquakes  and  pestilences.  It  is  some- 
what difficult  to  discern  the  design  or  the  benevo- 
lence in  so  making  the  world  that  billions  of  ani- 


INGERSOLLIA.  253 

mals  live  only  on  the  agonies  of  others.  The  justice 
of  God  is  not  visible  to  me  in  the  history  of  this 
world.  When  I  think  of  the  suffering  and  death, 
of  the  poverty  and  crime,  of  the  cruelty  and  malice, 
of  the  heartlessness  of  this  "design"  and  "plan," 
where  beak  and  claw  and  tooth  tear  and  rend  the 
quivering  flesh  of  weakness  and  despair,  I  cannot 
convince  myself  that  it  is  the  result  of  infinite  wis- 
dom, benevolence,  and  justice. 

444.    What  we  Know  of  the  Infinite. 

Of  course,  upon  a  question  like  this,  nothing  can 
be  absolutely  known.  We  live  on  an  atom  called 
Earth,  and  whai  we  know  of  the  infinite  is  almost 
infinitely  limited;  but,  little  as  we  know,  all  have 
an  equal  right  to  give  their  honest  thought.  Life  is 
a  shadowy,  strange,  and  winding  road  on  which  we 
travel  for  a  little  way — a  few  short  steps — just  from 
the  cradle,  with  its  lullaby  of  love,  to  the  low  and 
quiet  wayside  inn,  where  all  at  last  must  sleep,  and 
where  the  only  salutation  is — Good-night. 

445.    The  Universe  Self-Existent. 

The  universe,  according  to  my  idea,  is,  always 
was,  and  forever  will  be.  It  did  not  ''come  into  be- 
ing;" it  is  the  one  eternal  being — the  only  thing  that 
ever  did,  does,  or  can  exist.  It  did  not  "  make  its 
own  laws."  We  know  nothing  of  what  we  call  the 
laws  of  Nature  except  as  we  gather  the  idea  of  law 
from  the  uniformity  of  phenomena  springing  from 


254  INGERSOLLIA. 

like  conditions.  To  make  myself  clear:  Water  al- 
ways runs  down  hill.  The  theist  says  that  this  hap- 
pens because  there  is  behind  the  phenomenon  an 
active  law.  As  a  matter  of  fact  law  is  this  side  of 
the  phenomenon.  Law  does  not  cause  the  phenom- 
enon, but  the  phenomenon  causes  the  idea  of  law  in 
our  minds,  and  this  idea  is  produced  from  the  fact 
that  under  like  circumstances  the  same  phenomena 
always  happens.  Mr.  Black  probably  thinks  that 
the  difference  in  the  weight  of  rocks  and  clouds  was 
created  by  law  ;  that  parallel  lines  fail  to  unite  only 
because  it  is  illegal;  that  diameter  and  circumfer- 
ence could  have  been  so  made  that  it  would  be  a 
greater  distance  across  than  around  a  circle,  that  a 
straight  line  could  inclose  a  triangle  if  not  prevented 
by  law,  and  that  a  little  legislation  could  make  it 
possible  for  two  bodies  to  occupy  the  same  space  at 
the  same  time.  It  seems  to  me  that  law  can  not 
be  the  cause  of  phenomena,  but  it  is  an  effect  pro- 
duced in  our  minds  by  their  succession  and  resem- 
blance. To  put  a  God  back  of  the  universe  compels 
us  to  admit  that  there  was  a  time  when  nothing  ex- 
isted except  this  God;  that  this  God  had  lived  from 
eternity  in  an  infinite  vacuum  and  in  an  absolute 
idleness.  The  mind  of  every  thoughtful  man  is 
forced  to  one  of  these  two  conclusions,  either  that 
the  universe  is  self-existent  or  that  it  was  created  by 
a  self-existent  being.  To  my  mind  there  are  far 


INGERSOLLIA.  255 

more  difficulties  in  the  second  hypothesis  than  in 
the  first 

446.    Jehovah's  Promise  Broken. 

If  Jehovah  was  in  fact  God,  He  knew  the  end 
from  the  beginning.  He  knew  that  his  Bible  would 
be  a  breastwork  behind  which  tyranny  and  hypoc- 
risy would  crouch;  that  it  would  be  quoted  by  ty- 
rants ;  that  it  would  be  the  defense  of  robbers  called 
kings  and  of  hypocrites  called  priests.  He  knew 
that  He  had  taught  the  Jewish  people  but  little  of 
importance.  He  knew  that  He  found  them  free  and 
left  them  captives.  He  knew  that  He  had  never 
fulfilled  the  promises  made  to  them.  He  knew  that 
while  other  nations  had  advanced  in  art  and  science 
his  chosen  people  were  savage  still.  He  promised 
them  the  world,  and  gave  them  a  desert.  He  prom- 
ised them  liberty,  and  He  made  them  slaves.  He 
promised  them  victory,  and  He  gave  them  defeat. 
He  said  they  should  be  kings,  and  He  made  them 
serfs.  He  promised  them  universal  empire,  and 
gave  them  exile.  When  one  finishes  the  Old  Testa- 
ment, he  is  compelled  to  say:  Nothing  can  add  to 
the  misery  of  a  nation  whose  King  is  Jehovah  ! 

447.    Character  Rather  than  Creed. 

For  a  thousand  years  the  torch  of  progress  was 
extinguished  in  the  blood  of  Christ,  and  His  disci- 
ples, moved  by  ignorant  zeal,  by  insane,  cruel  creeds, 
destroyed  with  flame  and  sword  a  hundred  millions 


256  INGERSOLLIA. 

of  their  fellow-men.  They  made  this  world  a  hell. 
But  if  cathedrals  had  been  universities — if  dungeons 
of  the  Inquisition  had  been  laboratories — if  Chris- 
tians had  believed  in  character  instead  of  creed — if 
they  had  taken  from  the  Bible  all  the  good  and 
thrown  away  the  wicked  and  absurd — if  domes  of 
temples  had  been  observatories — if  priests  had  been 
philosophers — if  missionaries  had  taught  the  useful 
arts — if  astrology  had  been  astronomy — if  the  black 
art  had  been  chemistry — if  superstition  had  been 
science — if  religion  had  been  humanity — it  would 
have  been  a  heaven  filled  with  love,  with  liberty, 
and  joy. 

448.    Mohammed  the  Prophet  of  God. 

Mohammed  was  a  poor  man,  a  driver  of  camels. 
He  was  without  education,  without  influence,  and 
without  wealth,  and  yet  in  a  few  years  he  consoli- 
dated thousands  of  tribes,  and  millions  of  men  con- 
fess that  there  is  "  one  God,  and  Mohammed  is  his 
prophet."  His  success  was  a  thousand  times  greater 
during  his  life  than  that  of  Christ.  He  was  not 
crucified;  he  was  a  conqueror.  "Of  all  men,  he  ex- 
ercised the  greatest  influence  upon  the  human  race." 
Never  in  the  world's  history  did  a  religion  spread 
with  the  rapidity  of  his.  It  burst  like  a  storm  over 
the  fairest  portions  of  the  globe.  If  Mr.  Black  is 
right  in  his  position  that  rapidity  is  secured  only  by 
the  direct  aid  of  the  Divine  Being,  then  Mohammed 


INGERSOLLIA.  257 

was  most  certainly  the  prophet  of  God.  As  to  wars 
of  extermination  and  slavery,  Mohammed  agreed 
with  Mr.  Black,  and  upon  polygamy  with  Jehovah. 
As  to  religious  toleration,  he  was  great  enough  to 
say  that  "men  holding  to  any  form  of  faith  might 
be  saved,  provided  they  were  virtuous."  In  this  he 
was  far  in  advance  both  of  Jehovah  and  Mr.  Black. 

449.    Wanted! — A  Little  More  Legislation. 

We  are  informed  by  Mr.  Black  that  ''polygamy  is 
neither  commanded  or  prohibited  in  the  Old  Testa- 
ment— that  it  is  only  discouraged."  It  seems  to  me 
that  a  little  legislation  on  that  subject  might  have 
tended  to  its  "discouragement."  But  where  is  the 
legislation?  In  the  moral  code,  which  Mr.  Black 
assures  us  "  consists  of  certain  immutable  rules  to 
govern  the  conduct  of  all  men  at  all  times  and  at  all 
places  in  their  private  and  personal  relations  with 
others,"  not  one  word  is  found  on  the  subject  of 
polygamy.  There  is  nothing  "discouraging"  in  the 
Ten  Commandments,  nor  in  the  records  of  any  con- 
versation Jehovah  is  claimed  to  have  had  with 
Moses  upon  Sinai.  The  life  of  Abraham,  the  story 
of  Jacob  and  Laban,  the  duty  of  a  brother  to  be  the 
husband  of  the  widow  of  his  deceased  brother,  the 
life  of  David,  taken  in  connection  with  the  practice 
of  one  who  is  claimed  to  have  been  the  wisest  of 
men — all  these  things  are  probably  relied  on  to  show 
that  polygamy  was  at  least  "discouraged."  Cer- 


258  INGERSOLLIA. 

tainly  Jehovah  had  time  to  instruct  Moses  as  to  the 
infamy  of  polygamy.  He  could  have  spared  a  few 
moments  from  a  description  of  patterns  of  tongs  and 
basins  for  a  subject  so  important  as  this.  A  few 
words  in  favor  of  the  one  wife  and  one  husband — in 
favor  of  the  virtuous  and  loving  home — might  have 
taken  the  place  of  instructions  as  to  cutting  the  gar- 
ments of  priests  and  fashioning  candlesticks  and 
ouches  of  gold.  If  he  had  left  out  simply  the  order 
that  rams'  skins  should  be  dyed  red,  and  in  its  place 
had  said,  "A  man  shall  have  but  one  wife,  and  the 
wife  but  one  husband,"  how  much  better  it  would 
have  been. 

450.    Is  all  that  Succeeds  Inspired? 

Again,  it  is  urged  that  "the  acceptance  of  Chris- 
tianity by  a  large  portion  of  the  generation  contem- 
porary with  its  Founder  and  His  Apostles,  was  under 
the  circumstances,  an  adjudication  as  solemn  and 
authoritative  as  mortal  intelligence  could  pro- 
nounce." If  this  is  true,  then  "the  acceptance  of 
Buddhism  by  a  large  portion  of  the  generation  con- 
temporary with  its  Founder  was  an  adjudication  as 
solemn  and  authoritative  as  mortal  intelligence 
could  pronounce."  The  same  could  be  said  of 
Mohammedanism,  and,  in  fact,  of  every  religion 
that  has  ever  benefited  or  cursed  this  world.  This 
argument,  when  reduced  to  its  simplest  form,  is 
this:  All  that  succeeds  is  inspired. 


INGERSOLLIA.  259 

451.    The  Morality  in  Christianity. 

The  morality  in  Christianity  has  never  opposed 
the  freedom  of  thought.  It  has  never  put,  nor 
tended  to  put,  a  chain  on  a  human  mind,  nor  a 
manacle  on  a  human  limb;  but  the  doctrines  dis- 
tinctively Christian  —  the  necessity  of  believing  a 
certain  thing;  the  idea  that  eternal  punishment 
awaited  him  who  failed  to  believe;  the  idea  that  the 
innocent  can  suffer  for  the  guilty  —  these  things 
have  Jopposed,  and  for  a  thousand  years  substantially 
destroyed  the  freedom  of  the  human  mind.  All  re- 
ligions have,  with  ceremony,  magic,  and  mystery, 
deformed,  darkened,  and  corrupted,  the  soul. 
Around  the  sturdy  oaks  of  morality  have  grown 
and  clung  the  parasitic,  poisonous  vines  of  the 
miraculous  and  monstrous. 

452.    Miracle    Mongers. 

St.  Irenseus  assures  us  that  all  Christians  posses- 
sed the  power  of  working  miracles  ;  that  they 
prophesied,  cast  out  devils,  healed  the  sick,  and 
even  raised  the  dead.  St.  Epiphanius  asserts  that 
some  rivers  and  fountains  were  annually  transmut- 
ed into  wine,  in  attestation  of  the  miracle  of  Cana, 
adding  that  he  himself  had  drunk  of  these  foun- 
tains. St.  Augustine  declares  that  one  was  told  in 
a  dream  where  the  bones  of  St.  Stephen  were  buried 
and  the  bones  were  thus  discovered  and  brought  to 
Hippo,  and  that  they  raised  five  dead  persons  to  life, 


260  INGERSOLLIA. 

and  that  in  two  years  seventy  miracles  were  per- 
formed with  these  relics.  Justin  Martyr  states  that 
God  once  sent  some  angels  to  guard  the  human 
race,  that  these  angels  fell  in  love  with  the  daugh- 
ters of  men,  and  became  the  fathers  of  innumer- 
able devils.  For  hundreds  of  years  miracles  were 
about  the  only  things  that  happened.  They  were 
wrought  by. thousands  of  Christians,  and  testified 
to  by  millions.  The  saints  and  martyrs,  the  best 
and  greatest,  were  the  witnesses  and  workers  of 
wonders.  Even  heretics,  with  the  assistance  of  the 
devil,  could  suspend  the  "laws  of  nature."  Must 
we  believe  these  wonderful  accounts  because  they 
were  written  by  "good  men,"  .by  Christians,"  who 
made  their  statements  in  the  presence  and  expecta- 
tion of  death"?  The  truth  is  that  these  "good 
men  "  were  mistaken.  They  expected  the  miracu- 
lous. They  breathed  the  air  of  the  marvelous. 
They  fed  their  minds  on  prodigies,  and  their  imagi- 
nations feasted  on  effects  without  causes.  They 
were  incapable  of  investigating.  Doubts  were 
regarded  as  "rude  disturbers  of  the  congregation." 
Credulity  and  sanctity  walked  hand  in  hand.  Reas- 
on was  danger.  Belief  was  safety.  As  the  philos- 
ophy of  the  ancients  was  rendered  almost  worthless 
by  the  credulity  of  the  common  people,  so  the  pro- 
verbs of  Christ,  his  religion  of  forgiveness,  his 
creed  of  kindness,  were  lost  in  the  mist  of  miracle 
and  the  darkness  of  superstition, 


INGERSOLLIA.  261 

453.    The  Honor  Due  to  Christ. 

For  the  man  Christ — for  the  reformer  who  loved 
his  fellow-men — for  the  man  who  believed  in  an 
Infinite  Father,  who  would  shield  the  innocent  and 
protect  the  just — for  the  martyr  who  expected  to  be 
rescued  from  the  cruel  cross,  and  who  at  last,  find- 
ing that  his  rope  was  dust,  cried  out  in  the  gather- 
ing gloom  of  death;  "  My  God  !  My  God !  Why 
hast  thou  forsaken  me? — for  that  great  and  suffer- 
ing man,  mistaken  though  he  was,  I  have  the 
highest  admiration  and  respect.  That  man  did  not, 
as  I  believe,  claim  a  miraculous  origin;  he  did  not 
pretend  to  heal  the  sick  nor  raise  the  dead.  He 
claimed  simply  to  be  a,  man,  and  taught  his  fellow- 
men  that  love  is  stronger  far  than  hate.  His  life 
was  written  by  reverent  ignorance.  Loving  credu- 
lity belittled  his  career  with  feats  of  jugglery  and 
magic  art,  and  priests  wishing  to  persecute  and  slay, 
put  in  his  mouth  the  words  of  hatred  and  revenge. 
The  theological  Christ  is  the  impossible  union  of  tne 
human  and  divine — man  with  the  attributes  of*  God, 
and  God  with  the  limitations  and  weakness  of  man. 

454.    Christianity  has  no  Monopoly  in  Morals. 

The  morality  of  the  world  is  not  distinctively 
Christian.  Zoroaster,  Gautama,  Mohammed,  Con- 
fucius, Christ,  and,  in  fact,  all  founders  of  religions, 
have  said  to  their  disciples:  You  must  not  steal; 
You  must  not  murder;  You  must  not  bear  false 


263  INGERSOLLIA. 

witness;  You  must  discharge  your  obligations. 
Christianity  is  the  ordinary  moral  code,  plus  the 
miraculous  origin  of  Jesus  Christ,  his  crucifixion, 
his  resurrection,  his  ascension,  the  inspiration  of 
the  Bible,  the  doctrine  of  the  atonement,  and  the 
nscessity  of  belief.  Buddhism  is  the  ordinary  moral 
code,j)Zws  the  miraculous  illumination  of  Buddha, 
the  performance  of  certain  ceremonies,  a  belief  in 
the  transmigration  of  the  soul,  and  in  the  final  ab- 
sorption of  the  human  by  the  infinite.  The  religion 
of  Mohammed  is  the  ordinary  moral  code,  plus  the 
belief  that  Mohammed  was  the  prophet  of  God,  total 
abstinence  from  the  use  of  intoxicating  drinks,  a 
harem  for  the  faithful  here  and  hereafter,  ablu- 
tions, prayers/  alms,  pilgrimages,  and  fasts. 

455.    Old  Age  in  Superstition's  Lap. 

And  here  I  take  occasion  to  thank  Mr.  Black  for 
having  admitted  that  Jehovah  gave  no  command- 
ment against  the  practice  of  polygamy,  that  he  es- 
tablished slavery,  waged  wars  of  extermination, 
and  persecuted  for  opinions'  sake  even  unto  death, 
Most  theologians  endeavor  to  putty,  patch,  and  paint 
the  wretched  record  of  inspired  crime,  but  Mr.  Black 
has  been  bold  enough  and  honest  enough  to  admit 
the  truth.  In  this  age  of  fact  and  demonstration  it 
is  refreshing  to  find  a  man  who  believes  so  thor- 
oughly in  the  monstrous  and  miraculous,  the  impos- 
sible and  immoral— who  still  clings  lovingly  to  the 


INGERSOLL1A.  263 

legends  of  the  bib  and  rattle — who  through  the  bit- 
ter experiences  of  a  wicked  world  has  kept  the  cre- 
dulity of  the  cradle,  and  finds  comfort  and  joy  in 
thinking  about  the  Garden  of  Eden,  the  subtile  ser- 
pent, the  flood,  and  Babel's  tower,  stopped  by  the 
jargon  of  a  thousand  tongues — who  reads  with  hap- 
py eyes  the  story  of  the  burning  brimstone  storm 
that  fell  upon  the  cities  of  the  plain,  and  smilingly 
explains  the  transformation  of  the  retrospective  Mrs. 
Lot — who  laughs  at  Egypt's  plagues  and  Pharaoh's 
whelmed  and  drowning  hosts — eats  manna  with  the 
wandering  Jews,  warms  himself  at  the  burning 
bush,  sees  Korah's  company  by  the  hungry  earth  de- 
voured, claps  his  wrinkled  hands  with  glee  above 
the  heathens'  butchered  babes,  and  longingly  looks 
back  to  the  patriarchal  days  of  concubines  and 
slaves.  How  touching  when  the  learned  and  wise 
crawl  back  in  cribs  and  ask  to  hear  the  rhymes  and 
fables  once  again!  How  charming  in  these  hard 
and  scientific  times  to  see  old  age  in  Superstition's 
lap,  with  eager  lips  upon  her  withered  breast ! 

456.    Ararat  in  Chicago. 

A  little  while  ago,  in  the  city  of  Chicago,  a  gentle- 
man addressed  a  number  of  Sunday-school  children. 
In  his  address  he  stated  that  some  people  were 
wicked  enough  to  deny  the  story  of  the  deluge;  that 
he  was  a  traveler;  that  he  had  been  to  the  top  of 
Mount  Ararat,  and  had  brought  with  him  a  stone 


264  1NGERSOLL1A. 

from  that  sacred  locality.  The  children  were  then 
invited  to  form  in  procession  and  walk  by  the  pulpit, 
for  the  purpose  of  seeing  this  wonderful  stone. 
After  they  had  looked  at  it,  the  lecturer  said:  "Now, 
children,  if  you  ever  hear  anybody  deny  the  story 
of  the  deluge,  or  say  that  the  ark  did  not  rest  on 
Mount  Ararat,  you  can  tell  them  that  you  know 
better,  because  you  have  seen  with  your  own  eyes  a 
stone  from  that  very  mountain. " 

457.    How  Gods  and  Devils  are  Made. 

It  was  supposed  that  God  demanded  worship;  that 
he  loved  to  be  flattered;  that  he  delighted  in  sac- 
rifice; that  nothing  made  him  happier  than  to  see 
ignorant  faith  upon  its  knees;  that  above  all  things 
he  hated  and  despised  doubters  and  heretics,  and 
regarded  investigation  as  rebellion.  Each  com- 
munity felt  it  a  duty  to  see  that  the  enemies  of  God 
were  converted  or  killed.  To  allow  a  heretic  to  live 
in  peace  was  to  invite  the  wrath  of  God.  Every 
public  evil — every  misfortune — was  accounted  for 
by  something  the  community  had  permitted  or  done. 
When  epidemics  appeared,  brought  by  ignorance 
and  welcomed  by  filth,  the  heretic  was  brought  out 
and  sacrificed  to  appease  the  anger  of  God.  By 
putting  intention  behind  what  man  called  good, 
God  was  produced.  By  putting  intention  behind 
what  man  called  bad,  the  Devil  was  created.  Leave 
this  "intention"  out,  and  gods  and  devils  fade 


INGERSOLLIA. 

away.  If  not  a  human  being  existed,  the  sun  would 
continue  to  shine,  and  tempest  now  and  then  would 
devastate  the  earth;  the  rain  would  fall  in  pleasant 
showers;  violets  would  spread  their  velvet  bosoms 
to  the  sun,  the  earthquake  would  devour,  birds  would 
sing,  and  daisies  bloom,  and  roses  blush,  and  volca- 
noes fill  the  heavens  with  their  lurid  glare;  the  pro- 
cession of  the  seasons  would  not  be  broken,  and  the 
stars  would  shine  as  serenely  as  though  the  world 
were  filled  with  loving  hearts  and  happy  homes. 

458.    The  Romance  of  Figures. 

How  long,  according  to  the  universal  benevolence 
of  the  New  Testament,  can  a  man  be  reasonably 
punished  in  the  next  world  for  failing  to  believe 
something  unreasonable  in  this  ?  Can  it  be  possible 
that  any  punishment  can  endure  forever  ?  Suppose 
that  every  flake  of  snow  that  ever  fell  was  a  figure 
nine,  and  that  the  first  flake  was  multiplied  by  the 
second,  and  that  product  by  the  third,  and  so  on  to 
the  last  flake.  And  then  suppose  that  this  total 
should  be  multiplied  by  every  drop  of  rain  that  ever 
fell,  calling  each  drop  a  figure  nine;  and  that  total 
by  each  blade  of  grass  that  ever  helped  to  weave  a 
carpet  for  the  earth,  calling  each  blade  a  figure  nine; 
and  that  again  by  every  grain  of  sand  on  every 
shore,  so  that  the  grand  total  would  make  a  line  of 
nines  so  long  that  it  would  require  millions  upon 
millions  of  years  for  light,  traveling  at  the  rate  of 


266  1NGERSOLL1A. 

one  hundred  and  eighty -five  thousand  miles  per  sec- 
ond, to  reach  the  end.  And  suppose,  further,  that 
each  unit  in  this  almost  infinite  total,  stood  for  bill- 
ions of  ages — still  that  vast  and  almost  endless  time, 
measured  by  all  the  years  beyond,  is  as  one  flake, 
one  drop,  one  leaf,  one  blade,  one  grain,  compared 
with  all  the  flakes,  and  drops,  and  leaves,  and  blades 
and  grains.  Upon  love's  breast  the  Church  has 
placed  the  eternal  asp.  And  yet,  in  the  same  book 
in  which  is  taught  this  most  infamous  of  doctrines, 
we  are  assured  that  "  The  Lord  is  good  to  all,  and 
his  tender  mercies  are  over  all  his  works-." 

459.    God  and  Zeno. 

If  the  Bible  is  inspired,  Jehovah,  God  of  all 
worlds,  actually  said:  "And  if  a  man  smite  his 
servant  or  his  maid  with  a  rod,  and  he  die  under  his 
hand,  he  shall  be  surely  punished;  notwithstanding, 
if  he  continue  a  day  or  two,  he  shall  not  be  pun- 
ished, for  he  is  his  money."  And  yet  Zeno,  founder 
of  the  Stoics,  centuries  before  Christ  was  born,  in- 
sisted that  no  man  could  be  the  owner  of  anothor, 
and  that  the  title  was  bad,  whether  the  slave  had 
become  so  by  conquest,  or  by  purchase.  Jehovah 
ordered  a  Jewish  general  to  make  war,  and  gave, 
among  others,  this  command:  "When  the  Lord  thy 
God  shall  drive  them  before  thee,  thou  shalt  smite 
them  and  utterly  destroy  them."  And  yet  Epictetus, 
whom  we  have  already  qaoted,  gave  this  marvelous 


INGERSOLLIA.  267 

rule  for  the  guidance  of  human  conduct:  "Live 
with  thy  inferiors  as  thou  wouldst  have  thy  supe- 
riors live  with  thee." 

460.  Why  was  Christ  so  Silent  ? 
If  Christ  was  in  fact  God,  he  knew  all  the  future- 
Before  him,  like  a  panorama,  moved  the  history  yet 
to  be.  He  knew  exactly  how  his  words  would  be 
interpreted.  He  knew  what  crimes,  what  horrors, 
what  infamies,  would  be  committed  in  his  name. 
He  knew  that  the  fires  of  persecution  would  climb 
around  the  limbs  of  countless  martyrs.  He  knew 
that  brave  men  would  languish  in  dungeons,  in 
darkness,  filled  with  pain;  that  the  church  would 
use  instruments  of  torture,  that  his  followers  would 
appeal  to  whip  and  chain.  He  must  have  seen  the 
horizon  of  the  future  red  with  the  flames  of  the 
auto  da  fa.  He  knew  all  the  creeds  that  would 
spring  like  poison  fungi  from  every  text.  He  saw 
the  sects  waging  war  against  each  other.  He  saw 
thousands  of  men,  under  the  orders  of  priests,  build- 
ing dungeons  for  their  fellow -men.  He  saw  them 
using  instruments  of  pain.  He  heard  the  groans, 
saw  the  faces  white  with  agony,  the  tears,  the 
blood — heard  the  shrieks  and  sobs  of  all  the  moan- 
ing, martyred  multitudes.  He  knew  that  comment- 
aries would  be  written  on  his  words  with  swords,  to 
be  read  by  the  light  of  fagots.  He  knew  that  the 
Inquisition  would  be  born  of  teachings  attributed 
to  him.  He  saw  all  the  interpolations  and  false- 


268  1NGERSOLLIA. 

hoods  that  hypocrisy  would  write  and  tell.  tie 
knew  that  above  these  fields  of  death,  these 
dungeons,  these  burnings,  for  a  thousand  years 
would  float  the  dripping  banner  of  the  cross.  He 
knew  that  in  his  name  his  followers  would  trade  in 
human  flesh,  that  cradles  would  be  robbed  and  wo- 
men's breasts  unbabed  for  gold;  —  and  yet  he  died 
with  voiceless  lips.  Why  did  he  fail  to  speak?  Why 
did  he  not  tell  his  disciples,  and  through  them  the 
world,  that  man  should  not  persecute,  for  opinion's 
sake,  his  fellow -man  ?  Why  did  he  not  cry,  You 
shall  not  persecute  in  my  name;  you  shall  not  burn 
and  torment  those  who  differ  from  you  in  creed? 
Why  did  he  not  plainly  say,  I  am  the  Son  of  God? 
Why  did  he  not  explain  the  doctrine  of  the  trinity? 
Why  did  he  not  tell  the  manner  of  baptism  that 
was  pleasing  to  him?  Why  did  he  not  say  some- 
thing positive,  definite,  and  satisfactory  about  an- 
other world?  Why  did  he  not  turn  the  tear-stained 
hope  of  heaven  to  the  glad  knowledge  of  another, 
life?  Why  did  he  go  dumbly  to  his  death,  leaving 
the  world  to  misery  and  to  doubt? 

461.    The  Philosophy  of  Action. 

Consequences  determine  the  quality  of  an  action. 
If  consequences  are  good,  so  is  the  action.  If  actions 
had  no  consequences,  they  would  be  neither  good 
nor  bad.  Man  did  not  get  his  knowledge  of  the 
consequences  of  actions  from  God,  but  from  experi- 


1NGERSOLL1A.  269 

ence  and  reason.  If  man  can,  by  actual  experi- 
ment, discover  the  right  and  wrong  of  actions,  is  it 
not  utterly  illogical  to  declare  that  they  who  do  not 
believe  in  God  can  have  no  standard  of  right  and 
wrong?  Consequences  are  the  standard  by  which 
actions  are  judged.  They  are  the  children  that  tes- 
tify as  to  the  real  character  of  their  parents.  God 
or  no  God,  larceny  is  the  enemy  of  industry — in- 
dustry is  the  mother  of  prosperity — prosperity  is  a 
good,  and  therefore  larceny  is  an  evil.  God  or  no 
God,  murder  is  a  crime.  There  has  always  been  a 
law  against  larceny,  because  the  laborer  wishes  to 
enjoy  the  fruit  of  his  toil.  As  long  as  men  object 
to  being  killed,  murder  will  be  illegal. 

462.    Infinite  Punishment  for  Finite  Crimes. 

I  have  insisted,  and  I  still  insist,  that  it  is  still  im- 
possible for  a  finite  man  to  commit  a  crime  deserv- 
ing infinite  punishment;  and  upon  this  subject  Mr. 
Black  admits  that  "no  revelation  has  lifted  the  veil 
between  time  and  eternity;"  and,  consequently, 
neither  the  priest  nor  the  "  policeman  "  knows  any- 
thing with  certainty  regarding  another  world.  He 
simply  insists  that  "in  shadowy  figures  we  are 
warned  that  a  very  marked  distinction  will  be  made 
between  the  good  and  bad  in  the  next  world."  There 
is  "a  very  marked  distinction"  in  this;  but  there  is 
this  rainbow  in  the  darkest  human  cloud:  The  worst 
have  hope  of  reform.  All  I  insist  is,  if  there  is 


270  INGEfcSOLLIA. 

another  life,  the  basest  soul  that  finds  its  way  to 
that  dark  or  radiant  shore  will  have  the  everlasting 
chance  of  doing  right.  Nothing  but  the  most  cruel 
ignorance,  the  most  heartless  superstition,  the  most 
ignorant  theology,  ever  imagined  that  the  few  days 
of  human  life  spent  here,  surrounded  by  mists  and 
clouds  of  darkness,  blown  over  life's  sea  by  storms 
and  tempests  of  passion,  fixed  for  all  eternity  the 
condition  of  the  human  race.  If  this  doctrine  be 
true,  this  life  is  but  a  net,  in  which  Jehovah  catches 
souls  for  hell. 

463.  Whence  Came  the  Gospels? 
We  are  told  that  "there  is  no  good  reason  to  doubt 
that  the  statements  of  the  Evangelists,  as  we  have 
them  now,  are  genuine."  The  fact  is,  no  one  knows 
who  made  the  "statements  of  the  Evangelists." 
There  are  three  important  manuscripts  upon  which 
the  Christian  world  relies.  "  The  first  appeared  in 
the  catalogue  of  the  Vatican,  in  1475.  This  contains 
the  Old  Testament.  Of  the  New,  it  contains  the 
four  gospels, — the  Acts,  the  seven  Catholic  Epistles, 
nine  of  the  Pauline  Epistles,  and  the  Epistle  to  the 
Hebrews,  so  far  as  the  fourteenth  verse  of  the  ninth 
chapter," — and  nothing  more.  This  is  known  as  the 
Codex  Vatican.  "The  second,  the  Alexandrine, 
was  presented  to  King  Charles  the  First,  in  1628.  It 
contains  the  Old  and  New  Testaments,  with  some 
exceptions;  passages  are  wanting  in  Matthew,  in 
John,  and  in  II.  Corinthians.  It  also  contains  the 


INGERSOLLIA.  271 

Epistle  of  Clemens  Romanus,  a  letter  of  Athanasius, 
and  the  treatise  of  Eusebius  on  the  Psalms."  The 
last  is  the  Sinaitic  Codex,  discovered  about  1850,  at 
the  Convent  of  St.  Catherine's,  on  Mount  Sinai.  "It 
contains  the  Old  and  New  Testaments,  and  in  addi- 
tion the  entire  Epistle  of  Barnabas,  and  a  portion  of 
the  Shepherd  of  Hermas — two  books  which,  up  to 
the  beginning  of  the  fourth  century,  were  looked 
upon  by  many  as  Scripture."  In  this  manuscript, 
or  codex,  the  gospel  of  St.  Mark  concludes  with  the 
eighth  verse  of  the  sixteenth  chapter,  leaving  out 
the  frightful  passage:  "Go  ye  into  all  the  world,  and 
preach  the  gospel  to  every  creature.  He  that  be- 
lieveth  and  is  baptized  shall  be  saved;  but  he  that 
believeth  not  shall  be  damned."  In  matters  of  the 
utmost  importance  these  manuscripts  disagree,  but 
even  if  they  all  agreed  it  would  not  furnish  the 
slightest  evidence  of  their  truth.  It  will  not  do  to 
call  the  statements  made  in  the  gospels  "deposi- 
tions," until  it  is  absolutely  established  who 
made  them,  and  the  circumstances  under  which 
they  were  made.  Neither  can  we  say  that  "they 
were  made  in  the  immediate  prospect  of  death,"  until 
we  know  who  jmade  them.  It  is  absurd  to  say  that 
"  the  witnesses  could  not  have  been  mistaken,  be- 
cause the  nature  of  the  facts  precluded  the  possi- 
bility of  any  delusion  about  them."  Can  it  be  pre- 
tended that  the  witnesses  could  not  have  been  mis- 
taken about  the  relation  the  Holy  Ghost  is  alleged 


272  INGERSOLLIA. 

to  have  sustained  to  Jesus  Christ  ?  Is  there  no  pos- 
sibility of  delusion  about  a  circumstance  of  that 
kind  ?  Did  the  writers  of  the  four  gospels  have 
"  the  sensible  and  [true  avouch  of  their  own  eyes' 
and  ears  "  in  that  behalf  ?  How  was  it  possible  for 
any  one  of  the  four  Evangelists  to  know  that  Christ 
was  the  Son  of  God,  or  that  he  was  God  ?  His 
mother  wrote  nothing  on  the  subject.  Matthew 
says  that  an  angel  of  the  Lord  told  Joseph  in  a 
dream,  but  Joseph  never  wrote  an  account  of  this 
wonderful  vision.  Luke  tells  us  that  the  angel  had 
a  conversation  with  Mary,  and  that  Mary  told  Eliza- 
beth, but  Elizabeth  never  wrote  a  word.  There  is 
no  account  of  Mary,  or  Joseph,  or  Elizabeth,  or  the 
angel,  having  had  any  conversation  with  Matthew, 
Mark,  Luke,  or  John,  in  which  one  word  was  said 
about  the  miraculous  origin  of  Jesus  Christ.  The 
persons  who  knew  did  not  write,  so  that  the  account 
is  nothing  but  hearsay.  Does  Mr.  Black  pretend 
that  such  statements  would  be  admitted  as  evidence 
in  any  court  ?  But  how  do  we  know  that  the  disci- 
ples of  Christ  wrote  a  word  of  the  gospels  ?  How 
did  it  happen  that  Christ  wrote  nothing  ?  How  do 
we  know  that  the  writers  of  the  gospels  "were  men 
of  unimpeachable  character  ?  " 

464.    Mr.  Black's  Admission. 

For  the  purpose  of  defending  the  character  of  his 
infallible  God,  Mr.  Black  is  forced  to  defend  religious 
intolerance,  wars  of  extermination,  human  slavery, 


INGERSOLLIA.  273 

and  almost  polygamy.  He  admits  that  God  estab- 
lished slavery;  that  he  commanded  his  chosen  peo- 
ple to  buy  the  children  of  the  heathen;  that  heathen 
fathers  and  mothers  did  right  to  sell  their  girls  and 
boys;  that  God  ordered  the  Jews  to  wage  wars  of 
extermination  and  conquest;  that  it  was  right  to 
kill  the  old  and  young;  that  God  forged  manacles 
for  the  human  brain;  that  he  commanded  husbands 
to  murder  their  wives  for  suggesting  the  worship  of 
the  sun  or  moon;  and  that  every  cruel,  savage  pas- 
sage in  the  Old  Testament  was  inspired  by  him. 
Such  is  a  "  policeman's  "  view  of  God. 

465.    The.Stars  Upon  the  Door  of  France. 

Mr.  Black  justifies  all  the  crimes  and  horrors,  ex- 
cuses all  the  tortures  of  all  the  Christian  years,  by 
denouncing  the  cruelties  of  the  French  Revolution. 
Thinking  people  will  not  hasten  to  admit  that  an 
infinitely  good  being  authorized  slavery  in  Judea, 
because  of  the  atrocities  of  the  French  Revolution. 
They  will  remember  the  sufferings'  of  the  Hugue- 
nots. They  will  remember  the  massacre  of  St. 
Bartholomew.  They  will  not  forget  the  countless 
cruelties  of  priest  and  king.  They  will  not  forget 
the  dungeons  of  the  Bastile.  They  will  know  that 
the  Revolution  was  an  effect,  and  that  liberty  was 
not  the  cause — that  atheism  was  not  the  cause.  Be- 
hind the  Revolution  they  will  see  altar  and  throne 
— sword  and  fagot — palace  and  cathedral — king  and 


274  INGERSOLLIA. 

priest — master  and  slave — tyrant  and  hypocrite. 
They  will  see  that  the  excesses,  the  cruelties,  and 
crimes  were  but  the  natural  fruit  of  seeds  the  church 
had  sown.  But  the  Revolution  was  not  entirely 
evil.  Upon  that  cloud  of  war,  black  with  the  myriad 
miseries  of  a  thousand  years,  dabbled  with  blood  of 
king  and  queen,  of  patriot  and  priest,  there  was 
this  bow:  ''Beneath  the  flag  of  France  all  men  are 
free."  In  spite  of  all  the  blood  and  crime,  in  spite 
of  deeds  that  seem  insanely  base,  the  People  placed 
upon  a  Nation's  brow  these  stars: — Liberty,  Frater- 
nity, Equality — grander  words  than  ever  issued 
from  Jehovah's  lips. 


A  Kind  Word  for  John 


On  the  27th  day  of  March,  1880,  Messrs.    Wright, 

Dickey,    O'  Conner,  and   Murch,   of    the  Select 

Committee  appointed  by  Congress  to-  "  Con- 

sider the  causes  of  the  present  depression 

of   labor,"  presented    the  majority 

special  report  on  Chinese  Immi- 

gration.   The  following  quo- 

tations are  excerpts  from 

Col.  R.  Gr.  Ingersoll's 

caustic  review  of 

that  report. 
466.    The  Select  Committee  Afraid. 

These  gentlemen  are  in  great  fear  for  the  future 
of  our  most  holy  and  perfectly  authenticated  re- 
ligion, and  have,  like  faithful  watchmen,  from  the 
walls  and  towers  of  Zion,  hastened  to  give  the  alarm. 
They  have  informed  Congress  that  "Joss  has  his 
temple  of  worship  in  the  Chinese  quarters,  in  San 
Francisco.  Within  the  walls  of  a  dilapidated  struc- 
ture is  exposed  to  the  view  of  the  faithful  the  God 

(275) 


276  INGERSOLLIA. 

of  the  Chinaman,  and  here  are  his  altars  of  worship. 
Here  he  tears  up  his  pieces  of  paper;  here  he  offers 
up  his  prayers;  here  he  receives  his  religious  conso- 
lations, and  here  is  his  road  to  the  celestial  land." 
That  "  Joss  is  located  in  a  long,  narrow  room,  in  a 
building  in  a  back  alley,  upon  a  kind  of  altar;"  that 
"he  is  a  wooden  image,  looking  as  much  like  an 
alligator  as  like  a  human  being;"  that  the  Chinese 
"think  there  is  such  a  place  as  heaven;"  that  "all 
classes  of  Chinamen  worship  idols;"  that  "the 
temple  is  open  every  day  at  all  hours;"  that  "  the 
Chinese  have  no  Sunday;"  that  this  heathen  god  has 
"huge  jaws,  a  big  red  tongue,  large  white  teeth,  a 
half  dozen  arms,  and  big,  fiery  eyeballs.  About 
him  are  placed  offerings  of  meat,  and  other  eatables 
— a  sacrificial  offering." 

467.    The  Gods  of  the  Joss-House  and  Patmos. 

No  wonder  that  these  members  of  the  committee 
were  shocked  at  such  a  god,  knowing  as  they  did, 
that  the  only  true  God  was  correctly  described  by 
the  inspired  lunatic  of  Patmos  in  the  following 
words:  "And  there  sat  in  the  midst  of  the  seven 
golden  candlesticks  one  like  unto  the  Son  of  Man, 
clothed  with  a  garment  down  to  the  foot,  and  girt 
about  the  paps  with  a  golden  girdle.  His  head  and 
his  hairs  were  white  like  wool,  as  white  as  snow; 
and  his  eyes  were  as  a  flame  of  fire;  and  his  feet  like 
unto  fine  brass  as  if  they  burned  in  a  furnace ;  and 


INGERSOLLIA.  277 

his  voice  as  the  sound  of  many  waters.  And  he  had 
in  his  right  hand  seven  stars  ;  and  out  of  his  mouth 
went  a  sharp,  two-edged  sword;  and  his  countenance 
was  as  the  sun  shining  in  his  strength."  Certainly, 
a  large  mouth,  filled  with  white  •  teeth,  is  preferable 
to  one  used  as  the  scabbard  of  a  sharp,  two-edged 
sword.  Why  should  these  gentlemen  object  to  a 
god  with  big  fiery  eyeballs,  when  their  own  Deity 
has  eyes  like  a  flame  of  fire  ? 

468.    A  Little  Too  Late. 

Is  it  not  a  little  late  in  the  day  to  object  to  people 
because  they  sacrifice  meat  and  other  eatables  to 
their  god  ?  We  all  know,  that  for  thousands  of 
years  the  "real"  God  was  exceedingly  fond  of  roasted 
meat;  that  He  loved  the  savor  of  burning  flesh,  and 
delighted  in  the  perfume  of  fresh  warm  blood. 
469.  Christianity  has  a  Fair  Show  in  San  Francisco. 

The  world  is  also  informed  by  these  gentlemen 
that  "  the  idolatry  of  the  Chinese  produces  a  de- 
moralizing effect  upon  our  American  youth  by 
bringing  sacred  things  into  disrespect  and  making 
religion  a  theme  of  disgust  and  contempt."  In  San 
Francisco  there  are  some  three  hundred  thousand 
people.  Is  it  possible  that  a  few  Chinese  can  bring 
"  our  holy  religion  "  into  disgust  and  contempt  ?  In 
that  city  there  are  fifty  times  as  many  churches  as 
joss-houses.  Scores  of  sermons  are  uttered  every 
week;  religious  books  and  papers  are  plentiful  as 


278  INGERSOLLIA. 

leaves  in  autumn,  and  somewhat  dryer;  thousands 
of  bibles  are  within  the  reach  of  all. 

470.  An  Arrow  from  the  Quiver  of  Satire. 
And  there,  too,  is  the  example  of  a  Christian  city. 
Why  should  we  send  missionaries  to  China,  if  we 
cannot  convert  the  heathen  when  they  come  here  ? 
When  missionaries  go  to  a  foreign  land  the  poor 
benighted  people  have  to  take  their  word  for  the 
blessings  showered  upon  a  Christian  people;  but 
when  the  heathen  come  here,  they  can  see  for  them- 
selves. What  was  simply  a  story  becomes  a  demon- 
strated fact.  They  come  in  contact  with  people  who 
love  their  enemies.  They  see  that  in  a  Christian 
land  men  tell  the  truth  ;  that  they  will  not  take  ad- 
vantage of  strangers;  that  they  are  just  and  patient; 
kind  and  tender;  and  have  no  prejudice  on  account 
of  color,  race  or  religion;  that  they  look  upon  man- 
kind as  brethren;  that  they  speak  of  God  as  a  Uni- 
versal Father,  and  are  willing  to  work  and  even  to 
suffer,  for  the  good,  not  only  of  their  own  country- 
men, but  of  the  heathen  as  well.  All  this  the  Chi- 
nese see  and  know,  and  why  they  still  cling  to  the 
religion  of  their  country  is,  to  me,  a  matter  of  amaze- 
ment. 

471.    We  Have  no  Religious  System. 

I  take  this,  the  earliest  opportunity,  to  inform 
these  gentlemen  composing  a  majority  of  the  commit- 
tee, that  we  have  in  thu  United  States  no  "religious 


INGEftSOLLlA.  279 

system;"  that  this  is  a  secular  government.  That  it 
has  no  religious  creed;  that  it  does  not  believe  nor 
disbelieve  in  a  future  state  of  reward  or  punishment; 
that  it  neither  affirms  nor  denies  the  existence  of  a 
"living"  God. 

472.    Congress  Nothing  to  Do  with  Religion. 

Congress  has  .nothing  to  do  with  the  religion  of 
the  people.  Its  members  are  not  responsible  to  God 
for  the  opinions  of  their  constituents,  and  it  may 
tend  to  the  happiness  of  the  constituents  for  me  to 
state  that  they  are  in  no  way  responsible  for  the  re- 
ligion of  the  members.  Religion  is  an  individual, 
not  a  national  matter.  And  where  the  nation  inter- 
feres with  the  right  of  conscience,  the  liberties  of 
the  x>eople  are  devoured  by  the  monster  Superstition. 

473.    Concessions  of  the  Illustrious  Four! 

But  I  am  astonished  that  four  Christian  states- 
men, four  members  of  Congress  in  the  last  quarter 
of  the  nineteenth  century,  who  seriously  object  to 
people  on  account  of  their  religious  convictions, 
should  still  assert  that  the  very  religion  in  which 
they  believe — and  the  only  religion  established  by 
the  living  god-head  of  the  American  system — is  not 
adapted  to  the  spiritual  needs  of  one-third  of  the 
human  race.  It  is  amazing  that  these  four  gentle- 
men have,  in  the  defense  of  the  Christian  religion, 
announced  the  discovery  that  it  is  wholly  inade- 
quate for  the  civilization  of  mankind;  that  the  light 


280  INGERSOLLIA. 

of  the  cross  can  never  penetrate  the  darkness  of 
China;  ''that  all  the  labors  of  the  missionary,  the 
example  of  the  good,  the  exalted  character  of  our 
civilization,  make  no  impression  upon  the  pagan 
life  of  the  Chinese;"  and  that  even  the  report  of  this 
committee  will  not  tend  to  elevate,  refine  and  Chris- 
tianize the  yellow  heathen  of  the  Pacific  coast.  In 
the  name  of  religion  these  gentlemen  have  denied 
its  power  and  mocked  at  the  enthusiasm  of  its 
founder.  Worse  than  this,  they  have  predicted  for 
the  Chinese  a  future  of  ignorance  and  idolatry  in 
this  world,  and,  if  the  "American  system"  of  re- 
ligion is  true,  hell-fire  in  the  next. 

474.    Do  not  Trample  on  John  Chinaman. 

Do  not  trample  upon  these  people  because  they 
have  a  different  conception  of  things  about  which 
even  this  committee  knows  nothing.  Give  them 
the  same  privilege  you  enjoy  of  making  a  God  after 
their  own  fashion.  And  let  them  describe  him  as 
they  will.  Would  you  be  willing  to  have  them  re- 
main, if  one  of  their  race,  thousands  of  years  ago, 
had  pretended  to  have  seen  God,  and  had  written  of 
him  as  follows:  "  There  went  up  a  smoke  out  of 
his  nostrils,  and  fire  out  of  his  mouth;  coals  were 
kindled  by  it,  *  *  *  and  he  rode  upon  a  cherub 
and  did  fly."  Why  should  you  object  to  these  peo- 
ple on  account  of  their  religion?  Your  objection 
has  in  it  the  spirit  of  hate  and  intolerance.  Of  that 


INGERSOLL1A,  281 

spirit  the  Inquisition  was  born.  That  spirit  lighted 
the  fagot,  made  the  thumb-screw,  put  chains  upon 
the  limbs,  and  lashes  upon  the  backs  of  men.  The 
same  spirit  bought  and  sold,  captured  and  kid- 
napped human  beings;  sold  babes,  and  justified  all 
the  horrors  of  slavery. 

475.    Be  Honest  with  the  Chinese. 

If  you  wish  to  drive  out  the  Chinese,  do  not  make 
a  pretext  of  religion.  Do  not  pretend  that  you  are 
trying  to  do  God  a  favor.  Injustice  in  his  name  is 
doubly  detestable.  The  assassin  cannot  sanctify  his 
dagger  by  falling  on  his  knees,  and  it  does  not  help 
a  falsehood  if  it  be  uttered  as  a  prayer.  Religion, 
used,  to  intensify  the  hatred  of  men  toward  men, 
under  the  pretense  of  pleasing  God,  has  cursed  this 
world. 

476.    An  Honest  Merchant  the  Best  Missionary. 

I  am  almost  sure  that  I  have  read  somewhere  that 
"  Christ  died  for  all  men,"  and  that  "  God  is  no  re- 
specter of  persons."  It  was  once  taught  that  it  was 
the  duty  of  Christians  to  tell  to  all  people  the  "tid- 
ings of  great  joy."  I  have  never  believed  these 
things  myself,  but  have  always  contended  that  an 
honest  merchant  was  the  best  missionary.  Com- 
merce makes  friends,  religion  makes  enemies ;  the 
one  enriches,  and  the  other  impoverishes ;  the  one 
thrives  best  where  the  truth  is  told,  the  other  where 
falsehoods  are  believed.  For  myself,  I  have  but 


282  INGERSOLLIA. 

little  confidence  in  any  business,  or  enterprise,  or 
investment,  that  promises  dividends  only  after  the 
death  of  the  stockholders. 

477.    Good  Words  from  Confucius. 

For  the  benefit  of  these  four  philosophers  and 
prophets,  I  will  give  a  few  extracts  from  the  writings 
of  Confucius  that  will,  in  my  judgment,  compare 
favorably  with  the  best  passages  of  their  report : 

"  My  doctrine  is  that  man  must  be  true  to  the 
principles  of  his  nature,  and  the  benevolent  exercises 
of  them  toward  others." 

"With  coarse  rice  to  eat,  with  water  to  drink, 
and  with  my  bended  arm  for  a  pillow,  I  still  have 
joy." 

"  Riches  and  honor  acquired  by  injustice  are  to  me 
but  floating  clouds." 

"  The  man  who,  in  view  of  gain,  thinks  of  right- 
eousness ;  who,  in  view  of  danger,  forgets  life;  and 
who  remembers  an  old  agreement,  however  far 
back  it  extends,  such  a  man  may  be  reckoned  a 
complete  man." 

"Recompense  injury  with  justice,  and  kindness 
with  kindness." 

There  is  one  word  which  may  serve  as  a  rule  of 
practice  for  all  one's  life  :  Reciprocity  is  that  word. 

478.    The  Ancient  Chinese. 

When  the  ancestors  of  the  four  Christian  Con- 
gressmen were  barbarians,  when  they  lived  in 


INGERSOLL1A.  283 

caves,  gnawed  bones,  and  worshiped  dry  snakes; 
the  infamous  Chinese  were  reading  these  sublime 
sentences  of  Confucius.  When  the  forefathers  of 
these  Christian  statesmen  were  hunting  toads  to 
get  the  jewels  out  of  their  heads  to  be  used  as 
charms,  the  wretched  Chinamen  were  calculating 
eclipses,  and  measuring  the  circumference  of  the 
earth.  When  the  progenitors  of  these  representa- 
tives of  the  "  American  system  of  religion "  were 
burning  women  charged  with  nursing  devils,  these 
people  "incapable  of  being  influenced  by  the  ex- 
alted character  of  our  civilization,"  were  building 
asylums  for  the  insane. 

479.    The  Chinese  and  Civil  Service  Reform. 

Neither  should  it  be  forgotten  that,  for  thousands 
of  years,  the  Chinese  have  honestly  practised  the 
great  principle  known  as  civil  service  reform — a 
something  that  even  the  administration  of  Mr. 
Hayes  has  reached  only  through  the  proxy  of 
promise. 

480.    Invading  China  in  the  Name  of  Opium  and  Christ. 

The  English  battered  down  the  door  of  China  in 
the  names  of  Opium  and  Christ.  This  infamy  was 
regarded  as  another  triumph  of  the  gospel.  At  last 
in  self-defense  the  Chinese  allowed  Christians  to 
touch  their  shores.  Their  wise  men,  their  philoso- 
phers, protested,  and  prophesied  that  time  would 
show  that  Christians  could  not  be  trusted.  This  re- 


284  INGERSOLLIA. 

port  proves  that  the  wise  men  were  not  only  philo- 
sophers but  prophets. 

481.    Don't  be  Dishonest  in  the  Name  of  God. 

Treat  China  as  you  would  England.  Keep  a  treaty 
while  it  is  in  force.  Change  it  if  you  will,  accord- 
ing to  the  laws  of  nations,  but  on  no  account  excuse 
a  breach  of  national  faith  by  pretending  that  we  are 
dishonest  for  God's  sake. 


Goncerning  Breeds  and  the  Tyranny  of  Sects. 


482.  Diversity  of  Opinion  Abolished  by  Henry  VTII. 

In  the  reign  of  Henry  "VIII — that  pious  and  moral 
founder  of  the  apostolic  Episcopal  Church, — there 
was  passed  by  the  parliament  of  England  an  act 
entitled,  "  An  act  for  abolishing  of  diversity  of 
opinion."  And  in  this  act  was  set  forth  what  a 
good  Christian  was  obliged  to  believe: 

First,  That  in  the  sacrament  was  the  real  body 
and  blood  of  Jesus  Christ. 

Second,  That  the  body  and  blood  of  Jesus  Christ 
was  in  the  bread,  and  the  blood  and  body  of  Jesus 
Christ  was  in  the  wine. 

Third,  That  priests  should  not  marry. 

Fourth,  That  vows  of  chastity  were  of  perpetual 
obligation. 

Fifth,  That  private  masses  ought  to  be  continued; 
and, 

Sixth,  That  auricular  confession  to  a  priest  must 

be  maintained. 

(285) 


286  INGERSOLLIA. 

This  creed  was  made  by  law,  in  order  that  all  men 
might  know  just  what  to  believe  by  simply  reading 
the  statute.  The  Church  hated  to  see  the  people 
wearing  out  their  brains  in  thinking  upon  these 
subjects. 

483.  Spencer  and  Darwin  Damned. 

According  to  the  philosophy  of  theology,  man  has 
continued  to  degenerate  for  six  thousand  years.  To 
teach  that  there  is  that  in  nature  which  impels  to 
higher  forms  and  grander  ends,  is  heresy,  of  course. 
The  Deity  will  damn  Spencer  and  his  "  Evolution." 
Darwin  and  his  "  Origin  of  Species,"  Bastian  and 
his  "  Spontaneous  Generation,"  Huxley  and  his 
"Protoplasm,"  Tyndall  and  his  "Prayer  Gauge," 
and  will  save  those,  and  those  only,  who  declare 
that  the  universe  has  been  cursed,  from  the  smallest 
atom  to  the  grandest  star;  that  everything  tends  to 
evil  and  to  that  only,  and  that  the  only  perfect  thing 
in  nature  is  the  Presbyterian  Confession  of  Faith. 

484.  The  Dead  do  Not  Persecute. 

Imagine  a  vine  that  grows  at  one  end  and  decays 
at  the  other.  The  end  that  grows  is  heresy,  the  end 
that  rots  is  orthodox.  The  dead  are  orthodox,  and 
your  cemetry  is  the  most  perfect  type  of  a  well  reg- 
ulated church.  No  thought,  no  progress,  no  heresy 
there.  Slowly  and  silently,  side  by  side,  the  satis- 
fied members  peacefully  decay.  There  is  only  this 
difference — the  dead  do  not  persecute. 


INGEKSOLLIA.  287 

485.    The  Atheist  a  Legal  Outcast  in  Illinois. 

The  supreme  court  of  Illinois  decided,  in  the  year 
of  grace  1856,  that  an  unbeliever  in  the  existence  of 
an  intelligent  First  Cause  could  not  be  allowed  to 
testify  in  any  court.  His  wife  and  children  might 
have  been  murdered  before  his  very  face,  and  yet  in 
the  absence  of  other  witnesses,  the  murderer  could 
not  have  even  been  indicted.  The  atheist  was  a  le- 
gal outcast.  To  him,  Justice  was  not  only  blind, 
but  deaf.  He  was  liable,  like  other  men,  to  support 
the  government,  and  was  forced  to  contribute  his 
share  towards  paying  the  salaries  of  the  very  judges 
who  decided  that  under  no  circumstances  could  his 
voic'e  be  heard  in  any  court.  This  was  the  law  of 
Illinois,  and  so  remained  until  the  adoption  of  the 
new  Constitution  By  such  infamous  means  has  the 
Church  endeavored  to  chain  the  human  mind,  and 
protect  the  majesty  of  her  God. 

486.    How  the  Owls  Hoot. 

Now  and  then  somebody  examines,  and  in  spite  of 
all  keeps  his  manhood,  and  has  the  courage  to  fol- 
low where  his  reason  leads.  Then  the  pious  get  to- 
gether and  repeat  wise  saws,  and  exchange  know- 
ing nods  and  most  prophetic  winks.  The  stupidly 
wise  sit  owl-like  on  the  dead  limbs  of  the  tree  of 
knowledge,  and  solemnly  hoot. 

487.    The  Fate  of  Theological  Students. 
Thousands  of  young  men  are  being  educated  at 


288  INGERSOLLIA. 

this  moment  by  the  various  Churches.  What  for? 
In  order  that  they  may  be  prepared  to  investigate 
the  phenomena  by  which  we  are  surrounded?  No! 
The  object,  and  the  only  object,  is  that  they  may 
be  prepared  to  defend  a  creed;  that  they  may  learn 
the  arguments  of  their  respective  churches,  and  re- 
peat them  in  the  dull  ears  of  a  thoughtless  congre- 
gation. If  one,  after  being  thus  trained  at  the  ex- 
pense of  the  Methodists,  turns  Presbyterian  or  Bap- 
tist, he  is  denounced  as  an  ungrateful  wretch. 
Honest  investigation  is  utterly  impossible  within 
the  pale  of  any  Church,  for  the  reason,  that  if  you 
think  the  Church  is  right  you  will  not  investigate, 
and  if  you  think  it  wrong,  the  Church  will  investi- 
gate you.  The  consequence  of  this  is,  that  most  of 
the  theological  literature  is  the  result  of  suppression, 
of  fear,  tyranny  and  hypocrisy. 

488.    Trials  for  Heresy. 

A  trial  for  heresy  means  that  the  spirit  of  perse- 
cution still  lingers  in  the  Church;  that  it  still  denies 
the  right  of  private  judgment;  that  it  still  thinks 
more  of  creed  than  truth,  and  that  it  is  still  deter- 
mined to  prevent  the  intellectual  growth  of  man.  It 
means  the  churches  are  shambles  in  which  are 
bought  and  sold  the  souls  of  men.  It  means  that 
the  Church  is  still  guilty  of  the  barbarity  of  oppos- 
ing thought  with  force.  It  means  that  if  it  had  the 
power,  the  mental  horizon  would  be  bound  by  a 
creed;  that  it  would  bring  again  the  whips  and 


INGERSOLLIA.  289 

chains  and  dungeon  keys,  the  rack  and  fagot  of  the 
past. 

489.     Presbyterianism  Softening. 

Fortunately  for  us,  civilization  has  had  a  soften- 
ing effect  even  upon  the  Presbyterian  Church.  To 
the  ennobling  influence  of  the  arts  and  sciences  the 
savage  spirit  of  Calvinism  has,  in  some  slight  de- 
gree, succumbed.  True,  the  old  creed  remains  sub- 
stantially as  it  was  written,  but  by  a  kind  of  tacit 
understanding  it  has  come  to  be  regarded  as  a  relic 
of  the  past.  The  cry  of  "heresy"  has  been  grow- 
ing fainter  and  fainter,  and,  as  a  consequence,  the 
ministers  of  that  denomination  have  ventured,  now 
and  then,  to  express  doubts  as  to  the  damnation  of 
infants,  and  the  doctrine,  of  total  depravity. 

490.    The  Methodist  "Hoist  with  his  own  Petard." 

A  few  years  ago  a  Methodist  clergyman  took  it 
upon  himself  to  give  me  a  piece  of  friendly  advice. 
"  Although  you  may  disbelieve  the  bible,"  said  he, 
"you  ought  not  to  say  so.  That,  you  should  keep 
to  yourself."  ''Do  you  believe  the  bible,"  said  I. 
He  replied,  "Most  assuredly."  To  which  I  retorted, 
"Your  answer  conveys  no  information  to  me. 
You  may  be  following  your  own  advice.  You  told 
me  to  suppress  my  opinions.  Of  course  a  man  who 
will  advise  others  to  dissimulate  will  not  always  be 
particular  about  telling  the  truth  himself." 

491.    The  Precious  Doctrine  of  Total  Depravity. 

What  a  precious  doctrine  is  that  of  the  total  de- 


290  INGERSOLLIA. 

pravity  of  the  human  heart!  How  sweet  it  is  to  be- 
lieve that  the  lives  of  all  the  good  and  great  were 
continual  sins  and  perpetual  crimes;  that  the  love  a 
mother  bears  her  child  is,  in  the  sight  of  God,  a  sin; 
that  the  gratitude  of  the  natural  heart  is  simple 
meanness;  that  the  tears  of  pity  are  impure;  that 
for  the  unconverted  to  live  and  labor  for  others  is 
an  offense  to  heaven;  that  the  noblest  aspirations  of 
the  soul  are  low  and  groveling  in  the  sight  of  God. 

492.    Guilty  of  Heresy. 

Whoever  has  an  opinion  of  his  own,  and  honestly 
expresses  it,  will  be  guilty  of  heresy.  Heresy  is 
what  the  minority  believe;  it  is  the  name  given  by 
the  powerful  to  the  doctrine  of  the  weak.  This  word 
was  born  of  the  hatred,  arrogance  and  cruelty  of 
those  who  love  their  enemies,  and  who,  when  smit- 
ten on  one  cheek,  turn  the  other.  This  word  was 
born  of  intellectual  slavery  in  the  feudal  ages  of 
thought.  It  was  an  epithet  used  in  the  place  of 
argument.  From  the  commencement  of  the  Chris- 
tian era,  every  art  has  been  exhausted  and  every 
conceivable  punishment  inflicted  to  force  all  people 
to  hold  the  same  religious  opinions.  This  effort  was 
born  of  the  idea  that  a  certain  belief  was  necessary 
to  the  salvation  of  the  soul. 

493.    Dishonest  Teachers. 

One  great  trouble  is  that  most  teachers  are  dis- 
honest. They  teach  as  certainties  those  things  con- 


INGERSOLLIA.  291 

cerning  which  they  entertain  doubts.  They  do  not 
say,  "we  think  this  is  so,"  but  "wo  know  this  is  so." 
They  do  not  appeal  to  the  reason  of  the  pupil,  but 
they  command  his  faith.  They  keep  all  doubts  to 
themselves;  they  do  not  explain,  they  assert.  All 
this  is  infamous. 

404.    S elf-Reliance  a  Deadly  Sin! 

In  all  ages  reason  has  been  regarded  as  the  enemy 
of  religion.  Nothing  has  been  considered  so  pleas- 
ing to  the  Deity  as  a  total  denial  of  the  authority  -of 
your  own  mind.  Self-reliance  has  been  thought  a 
deadly  pin;  and  the  idea  of  living  and  dying  with- 
out the  aid  and  consolation  of  superstition  has  al- 
ways horrified  the  Church.  By  some  unaccounta- 
ble infatuation,  belief  has  been  and  still  is  consid- 
ered of  immense  importance.  All  religions  have 
been  based  upon  the  idea  that  God  will  forever 
reward  the  true  believer,  and  eternally  damn  the 
man  who  doubts  or  denies.  Belief  is  regarded  as 
the  one  essential  thing.  To  practice  justice,  to  love 
mercy,  is  not  enough.  You  must  believe  in  some 
incomprehensible  creed.  You  must  say,  "  Once 
one  is  three,  and  three  times  one  is  one."  The  man 
who  practiced  every  virtue,  but  failed  to  believe, 
was  execrated.  Nothing  so  outrages  the  feelings  of 
the  Church  as  a  moral  unbeliever — nothing  so  hor- 
rible as  a  charitable  Atheist. 

495.    A  Hundred  and  Fifty  Years  Ago. 

One  hundred  and  fifty  years  ago  the  foremost 


292  INGERSOLLIA. 

preachers  would  have  perished  at  the  stake.  A 
Universalist  would  have  been  torn  in  pieces  in  En- 
gland, Scotland,  and  America.  Unitarians  would 
have  found  themselves  in  the  stocks,  pelted  by  the 
rabble  with  dead  cats,  after  which  their  ears  would 
have  been  cut  off,  their  tongues  bored,  and  their 
foreheads  branded. 

496.    The  Despotism  of  Faith. 

The  despotism  of  faith  is  justified  upon  the  ground 
that  Christian  countries  are  the  grandest  and  most 
prosperous  of  the  world.  At  one  time  the  same 
thing  could  have  been  truly  said  in  India,  in  Egypt, 
in  Greece,  in  Rome,  and  in  every  other  country  that 
has,  in  the  history  of  the  world,  swept  to  empire. 
This  argument  proves  too  much  not  only,  but  the 
assumption  upon  which  it  is  based  is  utterly  false. 
497.  Believe,  or  Beware. 

And  what  does  a  trial  for  heresy  mean?  It  means 
that  the  Church  says  a  he-retic,  "  Believe  as  I  do,  or 
I  will  withdraw  my  support.  I  will  not  employ  you. 
I  will  pursue  you  until  your  garments  are  rags;  un- 
til your  children  cry  for  bread;  until  your  cheeks 
are  furrowed  with  tears.  I  will  hunt  you  to  the 
very  portals  of  the  grave. 

498.    Calvin's  Petrified  Heart. 

Luther  denounced  mental  liberty  with  all  the 
coarse  and  brutal  vigor  of  his  nature;  Calvin  des- 
pised, from  the  very  bottom  of  his  petrified  heart, 


INGERSOLLIA.  293 

anything  that  even  looked  like  religious  toleration, 
and  solemnly  declared  that  to  advocate  it  was  to 
crucify  Christ  afresh.  All  the  founders  of  all  the 
orthodox  churches  have  advocated  the  same  infa- 
mous tenet.  The  truth  is,  that  what  is  called  reli- 
gion is  necessarily  inconsistent  with  free  thought. 

499.    Logic  Unconfined. 

Must  one  be  versed  in  Latin  before  he  is  entitled 
to  express  his  opinion  as  to  the  genuineness  of  a 
pretended  revelation  from  God?  Common  sense 
belongs  exclusively  to  no  tongue.  Logic  is  not  con- 
fined to,  nor  has  it  been  buried  with,  the  dead  lan- 
guages. Paine  attacked  the  bible  as  it  is  translated. 
If  the  translation  is  wrong,  let  its  defenders  cor- 
rect it. 

500.    Politeness  at  Athens! 

A  gentleman,  walking  among  the  ruins  of  Athens 
came  upon  a  fallen  statue  of  Jupiter;  making  an 
exceedingly  low  bow  he  said:  "0  Jupiter!  I  salute 
thee."  He  then  added:  "Should  you  ever  sit  upon 
the  throne  of  heaven  again,  do  not,  I  pray  you,  for- 
get that  I  treated  you  politely  when  you  were  pros- 
trate." 

501.    The  Tail  of  a  Lion. 

There  is  no  saying  more  degrading  than  this:  "It 
is  better  to  be  the  tail  of  a  lion  than  the  head  of  a 
dog."  It  is  a  responsibility  to  think  and  act  for 
yourself.  Most  people  hate  responsibility;  therefore 


294  INGEKSOLLIA. 

they  join  something  and  become  the  tail  of  some 
lion.  They  say,  "My  party  can  act  for  me — my 
church  can  do  my  thinking.  It  is  enough  for  me  to 
pay  taxes  and  obey  the  lion  to  which  I  belong,  with- 
out troubling  myself  about  the  right,  the  wrong,  or 
the  why  or  the  wherefore. 

502.    While  the  Preachers  Talked  the  People  Slept. 

The  fact  is,  the  old  ideas  became  a  little  monoton- 
ous to  the  people.  The  fall  of  man,  the  scheme  of 
redemption  and  irresistible  grace,  began  to  have  a 
familiar  sound.  The  preachers  told  the  old  stories 
while  the  congregations  slept.  Some  of  the  minis- 
ters became  tired  of  these  stories  themselves.  The 
five  points  grew  dull,  and  they  felt  that  nothing 
short  of  irresistable  grace  could  bear  this  endless 
repetition.  The  outside  world  was  full  of  progress, 
and  in  every  direction  men  advanced,  while  the 
church,  anchored  to  a  creed,  idly  rotted  at  the 
shore. 

503.    Christianity  no  Friend  to  Progress. 

Christianity  has  always  opposed  every  forward 
movement  of  the  human  race.  Across  the  highway 
of  progress  it  has  always  been  building  breastworks 
of  bibles,  tracts,  commentaries,  prayer-books,  creeds, 
dogmas  and  platforms,  and  at  every  advance  the 
Christians  have  gathered  together  behind  these 
heaps  of  rubbish  and  shot  the  poisoned  arrows  of 
malice  at  the  soldiers  of  freedom, 


INGEHSOLLIA.  295 

504.  Where  is  the  New  Eden  P 

You  may  be  laughed  at  in  this  world  for  insisting 
that  God  put  Adam  into  a  deep  sleep  and  made  a 
woman  out  of  one  of  his  ribs,  but  you  will  be 
crowned  and  glorified  in  the  next.  You  will  also 
have  the  pleasure  of  hearing  the  gentlemen  howl 
there,  who  laughed  at  you  here.  While  you  will 
not  be  permitted  to  take  any  revenge,  you  will  be 
allowed  to  smilingly  express  your  entire  acquies- 
cence in  the  will  of  God.  But  where  is  the  new 
Eden?  No  one  knows.  The  one  was  lost,  and  the 
other  has  not  been  found. 

505.  The  Heal  Eden  is  Beyond. 

Nations  and  individuals  fail  and  die,  and  make 
room  for  higher  forms.  The  intellectual  horizon  of 
the  world  widens  as  the  centuries  pass.  Ideals  grow 
grander  and  purer;  the  difference  between  justice 
and  mercy  becomes  less  and  less;  liberty  enlarges, 
and  love  intensifies  as  the  years  sweep  on.  The 
ages  of  force  and  fear,  of  cruelty  and  wrong,  are  be- 
hind us  and  the  real  Eden  is  beyond.  It  is  said  that 
a  desire  for  knowledge  lost  us  the  Eden  of  the  past; 
but  whether  that  is  true  or  not,  it  will  certainly  give 
us  the  Eden  of  the  future. 

506.  Party  Names  Belittle  Men. 

Let  us  forget  that  we  are  Baptists,  Methodists, 
Catholics,  Presbyterians,  or  Free-thinkers,  and  re- 
member only  that  we  are  men  and  women.  After 


296  1NGERSOLL1A. 

all,  man  and  woman  are  the  highest  possible  titles. 
All  other  names  belittle  us,  and  show  that  we  have, 
to  a  certain  extent,  given  up  our  individuality. 


A  FEW  PLAIN  QUESTIONS. 

507.    Where  Did  the  Serpent  Come  From  P 

Where  did  the  serpent  come  from  ?  On  which  of 
the  six  days  was  he  created?  Who  made  him?  Is 
it  possible  that  God  would  make  a  successful  rival  ? 
He  must  have  known  that  Adam  and  Eve  would 
fall.  He  knew  what  a  snake  with  a  "spotted,  dap- 
pled skin  "  could  do  with  an  inexperienced  woman. 
Why  did  he  not  defend  his  children?  He  knew  that 
if  the  serpent  got  into  the  garden,  Adam  and  Eve 
would  sin,  that  he  would  have  to  drive  them  out, 
that  afterwards  the  world  would  be  destroyed,  and 
that  he  himself  would  die  upon  the  cross. 

508.    Must  We  Believe  Fables  to  be  Good  and  True? 

Must  we,  in  order  to  be  good,  gentle  and  loving  in 
our  lives,  believe  that  the  creation  of  woman  was  a 
second  thought?  That  Jehovah  really  endeavored 
to  induce  Adam  to  take  one  of  the  lower  animals  as 
an  helpmeet  for  him?  Atter  all,  is  it  not  possible  to 
live  honest  and  courageous  lives  without  believing 

these  fables? 

(297) 


298  INGERSOLLIA. 

509.    Why  Did  Not  God  Kill  the  Serpent  ? 

Why  was  not  the  serpent  kept  out  of  the  garden  ? 
Why  did  not  the  Lord  God  take  him.  by  the  tail  and 
snap  his  head  off  ?  Why  did  he  not  put  Adam  and 
Eve  on  their  guard  about  this  serpent  ?  They,  of 
course,  were  not  acquainted  in  the  neighborhood, 
and  knew  nothing  about  the  serpent's  reputation. 

510.     Questions  About  the  Ark. 

How  was  the  ark  kept  clean?  We  know  how  it 
was  ventilated;  but  what  was  done  with  the  filth? 
How  were  the  animals  watered?  How  were  some 
portions  of  the  ark  heated  for  animals  from,  the 
tropics,  and  others  kept  cool  for  the  polar  bears? 
How  did  the  animals  get  back  to  their  respective 
countries?  Some  had  to  creep  back  about  six  thou- 
sand miles,  and  they  could  only  go  a  few  feet  a  day. 
Some  of  the  creeping  things  must  have  started  for 
the  ark  just  as  soon  as  they  were  made,  and  kept  up 
a  steady  jog  for  sixteen  hundred  years.  Think  of  a 
couple  of  the  slowest  snails  leaving  a  point  opposite 
the  ark  and  starting  for  the  plains  of  Shinar,  a  dis- 
tance of  twelve  thousand  miles.  Going  at  the  rate 
rate  of  a  mile  a  month,  it  would  take  them  a  thou- 
sand years.  How  did  they  get  there?  Polar  bears 
must  have  gone  several  thousand  miles,  and  so  sud- 
den a  change  in  climate  must  have  been  exceeding- 
ly trying  upon  their  health.  How  did  they  know 
the  way  to  go?  Of  course,  all  the  polar  bears  did 


INGERSOLLIA.  299 

not  go.    Only  two  were  required.    Who  selected 
these? 

511.    Was  Language  Confounded  at  Babel. 

How  could  language  be  confounded?  It  could  be 
confounded  only  by  the  destruction  of  memory. 
Did  God  destroy  the  memory  of  mankind  at  that 
time,  and  if  so,  how?  Did  he  paralyze  that  portion 
of  the  brain  presiding  over  the  organs  of  articu- 
lation, so  that  they  could  not  speak  the  words, 
although  they  remembered  them  clearly,  or  did  he 
so  touch  the  brain  that  they  could  not  hear?  Will 
some  theologian,  versed  in  the  machinery  of  the 
miraculous,  tell  us  in  what  way  God  confounded  the 
language  of  mankind? 

512.    Would  God  Kill  B  Man  for  Making  Ointment? 

Can  we  believe  that  the  real  God,  if  there  is  one, 
ever  ordered  a  man  to  be  killed  simply  for  making 
hair  oil,  or  ointment?  We  are  told  in  the  thirtieth 
chapter  of  Exodus,  that  the  Lord  commanded  Moses 
to  take  myrrh,  cinnamon,  sweet  calamus,  cassia, 
and  olive  oil,  and  make  a  holy  ointment  for  the  pur- 
pose of  anointing  the  tabernacle,  tables,  candle- 
sticks and  other  utensils,  as  well  as  Aaron  and  his 
sons;  saying,  at  the  same  time,  that  whosoever  com- 
pounded any  like  it,  or  whoever  put  any  of  it  on  a 
stranger,  should  be  put  to  death.  In  the  same 
chapter,  the  Lord  furnishes  Moses  with  a  recipe  for 
making  a  perfume,  saying,  that  whoever  should 


800 

make  any  which  smelled  like  it,  should  be  cut  oft* 
from  his  people.  This,  to  me,  sounds  so  unreasona- 
ble that  I  cannot  believe  it. 

513.    How  Did  Water  run  up  HillP 

Some  Christians  say  that  the  fountains  of  the 
great  deep  were  broken  up.  Will  they  be  kind 
enough  to  tell  us  what  the  fountains  of  the  great 
deep  are?  Others  say  that  God  had  vast  stores  of 
water  in  the  center  of  the  earth  that  he  used  on  the 
occasion  of  the  flood.  How  did  these  waters  hap- 
pen to  run  up  hill? 

514.    Would  a  Real  God  Uphold  Slavery? 

Must  we  believe  that  God  called  some  of  his  children 
the  money  of  others?  Can  we  believe  that  God 
made  lashes  upon  the  naked  back,  a  legal  tender 
for  labor  performed?  Must  we  regard  the  auction 
block  as  an  altar?  Were  blood  hounds  apostles? 
Was  the  slave-pen  a  temple?  Were  the  stealers  and 
whippers  of  babes  and  women  the  justified  children 
of  God? 

515.    Will  There  Be  an  Eternal  Auto  da  FeP 

Will  some  minister,  who  now  believes  in  religious 
liberty,  and  eloquently  denounces  the  intolerance  of 
Catholicism,  explain  these  things ;  will  he  tell  us 
why  he  worships  an  intolerant  God  ?  Is  a  god  who 
will  burn  a  soul  forever  in  another  world,  better 
than  a  Christian  who  burns  the  body  for  a  few  hours 
in  this  ?  Is  there  no  intellectual  liberty  in  heaven  ? 


1NQERSOLL1A  501 

Do  the  angels  all  discuss  questions  on  the  same  side? 
Are  all  the  investigators  in  perdition  ?  Will  the 
penitent  thief,  winged  and  crowned,  laugh  at  the 
honest  folks  in  hell?  Will  the  agony  of  the  damned 
increase  or  decrease  the  happiness  of  God  ?  Will 
there  be,  in  the  universe,  an  eternal  auto  da  fe  ? 
516.  Why  Hate  an  Atheist? 

Why  should  a  believer  in  God  hate  an  atheist? 
Surely  the  atheist  has  not  injured  God,  and  surely 
he  is  human,  capable  of  joy  and  pain,  and  entitled 
to  all  the  rights  of  man.  Would  it  not  be  far  better 
to  treat  this  atheist,  at  least,  as  well  as  he  treats  us? 


ORIENT  PEARLS  AT  RANDOM  STRUM. 

I  do  not  believe  that  Christians  are  as  bad  as 
their  creeds. 

The  highest  crime  against  a  creed  is  to  change  it. 
Reformation  is  treason. 

A  believer  is  a  bird  in  a  cage,  a  free-thinker  is  an 
eagle  parting  the  clouds  with  tireless  wing. 

All  that  is  good  in  our  civilization  is  the  result  of 
commerce,  climate,  soil,  geographical  position. 

The  heretics  have  not  thought  and  suffered  and 
died  in  vain.  Every  heretic  has  been,  and  is,  a  ray 
of  light. 

No  man  ever  seriously  attempted  to  reform  a 
Church  without  being  cast  out  and  hunted  down  by 
the  hounds  of  hypocrisy. 

After  all,  the  poorest  bargain  that  a  human  being 
can  make,  is  to  give  his  individuality  for  what  is 
called  respectability. 

On  every  hand  are  the  enemies  of  individuality 
(302) 


INGERSOLLIA.  303 

and  mental  freedom.     Custom  meets  us  at  the  cra- 
dle and  leaves  us  only  at  the  tomb. 

There  can  be  nothing  more  utterly  subversive  of 
all  that  is  really  valuable  than  the  suppression  of 
honest  thought. 

No  man.  worthy  of  the  form  he  bears,  will  at  the 
command  of  Church  or  State  solemnly  repeat  a 
creed  his  reason  scorns. 

Although  we  live  in  what  is  called  a  free  govern- 
ment,— and  politically  we  are  free, — there  is  but  lit- 
tle religious  liberty  in  America. 

According  to  orthodox  logic,  God  kaving  fur- 
nished us  with  imperfect  minds,  has  a  right  to  de- 
mand a  perfect  result. 

Nearly  all  people  stand  in  great  horror  of  anni- 
hilation, and  yet  to  give  up  your  individuality  is  to 
annihilate  yourself. 

When  women  reason,  and  babes  sit  in  the  lap  of 
philosophy,  the  victory  of  reason  over  the  shadowy 
host  of  darkness  will  be  complete. 

Of  all  the  religions  that  have  been  produced  by 
the  egotism,  the  malice,  the  ignorance  and  ambition 
of  man,  Presbyterianism  is  the  most  hideous. 

And  what  man  who  really  thinks  can  help  repeat- 
ing the  words  of  Ennius:  "If  there  are  gods  they 
certainly  pay  no  attention  to  the  affairs  of  man." 

Events,  like  the  pendulum  of  a  clock  have  swung 


304  INGERSOLLIA. 

forward  and  backward,  but  after  all,  man,  like  the 
hands,  has  gone  steadily  on.  Man  is  growing 
grander. 

In  spite  of  Church  and  dogma,  there  have  been 
millions  and  millions  of  men  and  women  true  to  the 
loftiest  and  most  generous  promptings  of  the  human 
heart. 

I  was  taught  to  hate  Catholicism  with  every  drop 
of  my  blood,  it  is  only  justice  to  say,  that  in  all 
essential  particulars  it  is  precisely  the  same  as  every 
other  religion. 

Wherever  brave  blood  has  been  shed,  the  sword 
of  the  Church  has  been  wet.  On  every  chain  has 
been  the  sign  of  the  cross.  The  altar  and  throne 
have  leaned  against  and  supported  each  other. 

We  have  all  been  taught  by  the  Church  that  noth- 
ing is  so  well  calculated  to  excite  the  ire  of  the  Deity 
as  to  express  a  doubt  as  to  his  existence,  and  that  to 
deny  it  is  an  unpardonable  sin. 

Universal  obedience  is  universal  stagnation  ;  dis- 
obedience is  one  of  the  conditions  of  progress.  Se- 
lect any  age  of  the  world  and  tell  me  what  would 
have  been  the  effect  of  implicit  obedience. 

We  have  no  national  religion,  and  no  national 
God  ;  but  every  citizen  is  allowed  to  have  a  religion 
and  a  God  of  his  own,  or  to  reject  all  religions  and 
deny  tbe  ^v.stence  of  all  gods, 


INGERSOLLIA.  305 

Whatever  may  be  the  truth  upon  any  subject  has 
nothing  to  do  with  our  right  to  investigate  that  sub- 
ject, and  express  any  opinion  we  may  form.  All 
that  I  ask,  is  the  same  right  I  freely  accord  to  all 
others. 

Mental  slavery  is  mental  death,  and  every  man 
who  has  given  up  his  intellectual  freedom  is  the  liv- 
ing coffin  of  his  dead  soul.  In  this  sense,  every 
church  is  a  cemetery  and  every  creed  an  epitaph. 

Think  of  reading  the  109th  Psalm  to  a  heathen 
who  has  a  Bible  of  his  own  in  which  is  found  this 
passage:  "  Blessed  is  the  man  and  beloved  of  all  the 
gods,  who  is  afraid  of  no  man,  and  of  whom  no  man 
is  afraid." 

The  trouble  with  most  people  is,  they  bow  to  what 
is  called  authority;  they  have  a  certain  reverence 
for  the  old  because  it  is  old.  They  think  a. man  is 
better  for  being  dead,  especially  if  he  has  been  dead 
a  long  time. 

We  should  all  remember  that  to  be  like  other  peo- 
ple is  to  be  unlike  ourselves,  and  that  nothing  can 
be  more  detestable  in  character  than  servile  imita- 
tion. The  great  trouble  with  imitation  is,  that  we 
are  apt  to  ape  those  who  are  in  reality  far  below  us. 

Suppose  the  Church  had  had  absolute  control  of 
the  human  mind  at  any  time,  would  not  the  words 
liberty  and  progress  hare  been  blotted  from  human 


306  INGERSOLLIA. 

speech?    In  defiance  of  advice,  the  world  has  ad- 
vanced. 

Over  every  fortress  of  tyranny  has  waved,  and 
still  waves,  the  banner  of  the  Church. 

The  Church  has  won  no  victories  for  the  rights  of 
man. 

We  have  advanced  in  spite  of  religious  zeal,  igno- 
rance, and  opposition. 

Luther  labored  to  reform  the  Church — Voltaire,  to 
reform  men. 

There  have  been,  and  still  are,  too  many  men  who 
own  themselves  —  too  much  thought,  too  much 
knowledge  for  the  Church  to  grasp  again  the  sword 
of  power.  The  Church  must  abdicate.  For  the  Eg- 
lon  of  superstition  Science  has  a  message  from 
Truth. 

It  is  a  blessed  thing  that  in  every  age  some  one 
has  had  individuality  enough  and  courage  enough 
to  stand  by  his  own  convictions, — some  one  who  had 
the  grandeur  to  say  his  say.  I  believe  it  was  Ma- 
gellan who  said.  "  The  Church  says  the  earth  is  flat  ; 
but  I  have  seen  its  shadow  on  the  moon,  and  I  have 
more  confidence  even  in  a  shadow  than  in  the 
Church."  On  the  prow  of  his  ship  were  disobedi- 
ence, defiance,  scorn,  and  success. 


Ingersoll's  Oration  at  his  Brother's  Grave. 

A   Tribute  to  Ebon   C.   Ingersoll,   by  his  Brother 

Robert — The  Eecord  of  a  Generous  Life  Euns 

Like  a    Vine  Around  the  Memory  of  our 

Dead,     and    Every    Sweet,     Unselfish 

Act  is  Now  a  Perfumed  Flower. 

DEAR  FRIENDS  :  I  am  going  to  do  that  which  the 
dead  oft  promised  he  would  do  for  me. 

The  loved  and  loving  brother,  husband,  father, 
friend,  died  where  manhood's  morning  almost 
touches  noon,  and  while  the  shadows  still  were  fall- 
ing toward  the  west. 

He  had  not  passed  on  life's  highway  the  stone  that 
marks  the  highest  point ;  but,  being  weary  for  a 
moment,  he  lay  down  by  the  wayside,  and,  using 
his  burden  for  a  pillow,  fell  into  that  dreamless 
sleep  that  kisses  down  his  eyelids  still.  While  yet 
in  love  with  life  and  raptured  with  the  world,  he 
passed  to  silence  and  pathetic  dust. 

Yet.  after  all,  it  may  be  best,  just  in  the  happiest, 
sunniest  hour  of  all  the  voyage,  while  eager  winds 

(30?) 


308  INGERSOLLIA. 

are  kissing  every  sail,  to  dash  against  the  unseen 
rock,  and  in  an  instant  hear  the  billows  roar  above 
a  sunken  ship  For  whether  in  mid  sea  or  'mong  the 
breakers  of  the  farther  shore,  a  wreck  at  last  must 
mark  the  end  of  each  and  all.  And  every  life,  no 
matter  if  its  every  hour  is  rich  with  love  and  every 
moment  jeweled  with  a  joy,  will,  at  its  close,  be- 
come a  tragedy  as  sad  and  deep  and  dark  as  can  be 
woven  of  the  warp  and  woof  of  mystery  and  death. 

This  brave  and  tender  man  in  every  storm  of  life 
was  oak  and  rock  ;  but  in  the  sunshine  he  was  vine 
and  flower.  He  was  the  friend  of  all  heroic  souls. 
He  climbed  the  heights,  and  left  all  superstitions 
far  below,  while  on  his  forehead  fell  the  golden 
dawning  of  the  grander  day. 

He  loved  the  beautiful,  and  was  with  color,  form, 
and  music  touched  to  tears.  He  sided  with  the 
weak,  the  poor,  and  wronged,  and  lovingly  gave 
alms.  With  loyal  heart  and  with  the  purest  hands 
he  faithfully  discharged  all  public  trusts. 

He  was  a  worshiper  of  liberty,  a  friend  of  the  op- 
pressed. A  thousand  times  I  have  heard  him  quote 
these  words  :  "  For  Justice  all  place  a  temple,  and 
all  season,  summer."  He  believed  that  happiness 
was  the  only  good,  reason  the  only  torch,  justice  the 
only  worship,  humanity  the  only  religion,  and  love 
the  only  priest.  He  added  to  the  sum  of  human  joy; 
and  were  every  one  to  whom  he  did  some  loving  ser- 
vice to  bring  a  blossom  to  his  grave,  he  would  sleep 


INGERSOLLIA.  309 

to-night    beneath  a  wilderness  of    sweet  flowers. 

Life  is  a  narrow  vale  between  the  cold  and  barren 
peaks  of  two  eternities.  We  strive  in  vain  to  look 
beyond  the  heights.  We  cry  aloud,  and  the  only 
answer  is  the  echo  of  our  wailing  cry.  From  the 
voiceless  lips  of  the  unreplying  dead  there  comes  no 
word ;  but  in  the  night  of  death  hope  sees  a  star  and 
listening  love  can  hear  the  rustle  of  a  wing. 

He  who  sleeps  here,  when  dying,  mistaking  the 
approach  of  death  for  the  return  of  health,  whisp- 
ered with  his  latest  breath,  "  I  am  better  now."  Let 
us  believe,  in  spite  of  doubts  and  dogmas,  of  fears 
and  tears,  that  these  dear  words  are  true  of  all  the 
countless  dead. 

And  now,  to  you,  who  have  been  chosen,  from 
among  the  many  men  he  loved,  to  do  the  last  sad 
office  for  the  dead,  we  give  his  sacred  dust. 

Speech  cannot  contain  our  love.  There  was,  there 
is,  no  gentler,  stronger,  manlier  man. 


The  Following  Words  of  Matchless  Eloquence  were 

Addressed  by  Col.  Ingersoll  to  the   Veteran 

Soldiers  of  Indianapolis. 

The  past,  as  it  were,  rises  before  me  like  a  dream. 
Again  we  are  in  the  great  struggle  for  national  life. 
We  hear  the  sound  of  preparation — the  music  of  the 
boisterous  drums — the  silver  voices  of  heroic  bugles. 
We  see  thousands  of  assemblages,  and  hear  the  ap- 
peals of  orators;  we  see  the  pale  cheeks  of  women, 
and  the  flushed  faces  of  men;  and  in  those  assem- 
blages we  see  all  the  dead  whose  dust  we  have  cov- 
ered with  flowers.  We  lose  sight  of  them  no  more. 
We  are  with  them  when  they  enlist  in  the  great 
army  of  freedom.  We  see  them  part  with  those  they 
love.  Some  are  walking  for  the  last  time  in  quiet, 
woody  places  with  the  maidens  they  adore.  We 
hear  the  whisperings  and  the  sweet  vows  of  eternal 
love  as  they  lingeringly  part  forever.  Others  are 
bending  over  cradles  kissing  babes  that  are  asleep. 

(310) 


1NGEESOLLIA.  3ll 

Some  are  receiving  the  blessings  of  old  men.  Some 
are  parting  with  mothers  who  hold  them  and  press 
them  to  their  hearts  again  and  again,  and  say  noth- 
ing; and  some  are  talking  with  wives,  and  endeavor- 
ing with  brave  words  spoken  in  the  old  tones  to 
drive  away  the  awful  fear.  We  see  them  part.  We 
see  the  wife  standing  in  the  door  with  the  babe  in 
her  arms — standing  in  the  sunlight  sobbing — at  the 
turn  of  the  road  a  hand  waves — she  answers  by 
holding  high  in  her  loving  hands  the  child.  He  is 
gone,  and  forever. 

We  see  them  all  as  they  march  proudly  away  un- 
der the  flaunting  flags,  keeping  time  to  the  wild 
music  of  war — marching  down  the  streets  of  the 
great  cities — through  the  towns  and  across  the 
prairies — down  to  the  fields  of  glory,  and  do  and  to 
die  for  the  eternal  right. 

We  go  with  them  one  and  all.  We  are  by  their 
side  on  all  the  gory  fields,  in  all  the  hospitals  of 
pain — on  all  the  weary  marches.  We  stand  guard 
with  them  in  the  wild  storm  and  under  the  quiet 
stars.  We  are  with  them  in  ravines  running  with 
blood — in  the  furrows  of  old  fields.  We  are  with 
them  between  contending  hosts,  unable  to  move, 
wild  with  thirst,  the  life  ebbing  slowly  away  among 
the  withered  leaves.  We  see  them  pierced  by  balls 
and  torn  with  shells  in  the  trenches  of  forts,  and  in 
the  whirlwind  of  the  charge,  where  men  become  iron 
with  nerves  of  steel. 


313  INGEHSOLL1A. 

We  are  with  them  in  the  prisons  of  hatred  and 
famine,  but  human  speech  can  never  tell  what  they 
endured. 

We  are  at  home  when  the  news  comes  that  they 
are  dead.  We  see  the  maiden  in  the  shadow  of  her 
sorrow.  We  see  the  silvered  head  of  the  old  man 
bowed  with  the  last  grief. 

The  past  rises  before  us,  and  we  see  four  millions 
of  human  beings  governed  by  the  lash — we  see  them 
bound  hand  and  foot — we  hear  the  strokes  of  cruel 
whips — we  see  the  hounds  tracking  women  through 
tangled  swamps.  We  see  babes  sold  from  the  breasts 
of  mothers.  Cruelty  unspeakable!  Outrage  infinite! 

Four  million  bodies  in  chains — four  million  souls 
in  fetters.  All  the  sacred  relations  of  wife,  mother, 
father  and  child  trampled  beneath  the  brutal  feet  of 
might.  All  this  was  done  under  our  own  beautiful 
banner  of  the  free. 

The  past  rises  before  us.  We  hear  the  roar  and 
shriek  of  the  bursting  shell.  The  broken  fetters  fall. 
There  heroes  died.  We  look.  Instead  of  slaves  we 
see  men  and  women  and  children.  The  wand  of  pro- 
gress touches  the  auction-block,  the  slave-pen,  and 
the  whipping-post,  and  we  see  homes  and  firesides, 
and  school-houses  and  books,  and  where  all  was 
want  and  crime,  and  cruelty  and  fear,  we  see  the 
faces  of  the  free. 

These  heroes  are  dead.  They  died  for  liberty — 
they  died  for  us.  They  are  at  rest.  They  sleep  in 


1NGERSOLL1A.  3l3 

the  land  they  made  free,  under  the  flag  they  ren- 
dered stainless,  under  the  solemn  pines,  the  sad 
hemlocks,  the  tearful  willows,  the  embracing  vines. 
They  sleep  beneath  the  shadows  of  the  clouds,  care- 
less alike  of  sunshine  or  storm,  each  in  the  window- 
less  palace  of  rest.  Earth  may  run  red  with  other 
wars — they  are  at  peace.  In  the  midst  of  battle,  in 
the  roar  of  conflict,  they  found  the  serenity  of  death. 
I  have  one  sentiment  for  the  soldiers  living  and 
dead — cheers  for  the  living  and  tears  for  the  dead. 


EPIERAMS,  DEFINITIONS  AND  BELIEFS. 

EPIGRAMS. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  be  a  pig  in  order  to  raise 
one. 

Houses  makes  patriots. 

A  blow  from  a  parent  leaves  a  scar  on  the  soul  of 
the  child. 

Free  speech  is  the  brain  of  the  Republic. 

A  mortgage  casts  a  shadow  on  the  sunniest  field. 

Agriculture  is  the  basis  of  all  wealth. 

Every  man  should  endeavor  to  belong  to  himself. 

It  is  better  to  be  a  whole  farmer  than  part  of  a 
mechanic. 

Nothing  is  ever  made  by  rascality. 

One  good  school-master  is  worth  a  thousand 
priests. 

A  lie  will  not  fit  a  fact. 

Out  in  the  intellectual  sea  there  is  room  for  every 
sail. 

An  honest  God  is  the  noblest  work  of  man. 

To  plow  is  to  pray. 


1NGERSOLLIA.  3l5 

Progress  is  born  of  courage. 
Fear  paralyzes  the  brain. 

DEFINITIONS. 

A  King  is  a  non-producing  thief,  sitting  on  a 
throne,  surrounded  by  vermin. 

Whiskey  is  the  son  of  villianies,  the  father  of  all 
crimes,  the  mother  of  all  abominations,  the  devil's 
best  friend,  and  God's  worst  enemy. 

An  Orthodox  Man  is  a  gentleman  petrified  in  his 
mind. 

Heresy  is  a  cradle. 

Orthodoxy  is  a  coffin. 

Chicago  is  a  marvel  of  energy,  a  miracle  of  nerve. 

The  Pulpit  is  a  pillory. 
"Theology  is  a  superstition. 

Humanity  is  the  only  religion. 

A  Republican  is  a  man  who  loves  something. 

A  Democrat  is  a  man  who  hates  something. 

Germany  is  the  Land  of  Science. 

Civilization  is  the  Child  of  Forethought. 

Prejudice  is  the  Child  of  Ignorance. 

Infidelity  is  Liberty. 

Religion  is  Slavery. 

BELIEFS. 

I  believe  in  absolute  intellectual  liberty. 
I  believe  in  American  labor. 

I  believe  in  the  democracy  of  the  fireside,  in  the 
republicanism  of  the  home. 


316 

I  believe  in  liberty,  always  and  everywhere. 
I  believe  in  truth,  in  investigation,  in  forethought. 
I  believe  in  the  gospel  of  education,  of  cheerful- 
ness, of  justice  and  intelligence. 


INDEX. 


A  Bold  Assertion, 180 

Absurd  and  Foolish  Fables,             ....  246 

A  FEW  PLAIN  QUESTIONS  : — 

Could  A  Real  God  Uphold  Slavery?  514 

How  Did  Water  Run  Up  Hill?         ....  513 

Must  We  Believe  to  be  Good  and  True?       -        -  508 

Questions  Anent  the  Ark        .....  510 

Was  Language  Confounded  at  Babel,        -        -        -  511 

Where  Did  the  Serpent  Come  From?           -        -  507 

Will  There  be  an  Eternal  Auto  da  fe?  515 

Why  Did  Not  God  Kill  the  Serpent?       ...  509 

Why  Hate  an  Atheist? 516 

Would  God  Kill  a  Man  for  Making  Ointment?       -  512 

A  Colored  Man  in  Congress,        -                    -           -  125 

A  Charge  to  Presbyteries,           ......  232 

A  Fountain  of  Greenbacks,            ......  167 

A  False  Standard  of  Success,     ......  368 

A  Grand  Achievement,          .......  55 

A  Good  Time  Coming,        .......  398 

A  Government  with  a  Long  Arm,         .....  150 

A  Great  People,           ........  100 

A  KIND  WORD  FOR  JOHN  CHINAMAN: — 

A  Little  Too  Late, 468 

An  Arrow  From  the  Quiver  of  Satire,           •        -  470 

An  Honest  Merchant  the  Best  Missionary,        -       -  476 

Be  Honest  With  the  Chinese,           ....  475 
(317) 


318  INDEX. 

Christianity  a  Fair  Show  in  San  Francisco,        -        -  469 

Concession  of  the  Illustrious  Four!        ...  473 

Congress  Nothing  to  do  With  Religion,          -        -  472 

Do  Not  Trample  on  John  Chinaman,       ...  474 

Don't  be  Dishonest  in  the  Name  of  God,           -        -  481 

Good  Words  From  Confucius,        -        -        -        -  477 

Invading  China  in  the  Names  of  Opium  and  Christ,  480 

The  Ancient  Chinese,        -        -                -        -        -  478 

The  Gods  of  the  Joss-House  and  of  Patmos,        -  467 

The  Chinese  and  Civil  Service  Reform,       -        -  479 

The  Select  Committee    Afraid,          ....  466 

We  have  No  Religious  System,        ....  471 

A  Nation  of  Rascals,       --------  99 

A  Poet's  Dream,           -•          ..-..-  59 

A  Star  in  the  Sky  of  Despair,        ......  44 

A  Voter  a  Man,           -       -       -       ••       -       -       -  145 

Alms-dish  and  Sword,             ..«...-  207 

All  that  have  Red  Hair  Shall  be  Damned,        -       -       -  311 

An  Awful  Admission,             -       -       -       -       -       -       -  194 

An  Orthodox  Gentleman,           ......  179 

An  Intellectual  Def  ormity,            •       -       -               •       -  249 

Another  Day  of  Divine  Work,           .....  204 

America  a  Glorious  Land,     -•-•---  164 

American  Muscle,        -.-.-..-  158 

Apollo's  Lyre, 30 

Away  to  thetHills  and  the  Sea,         .....  365 

Back  to  Chaos,         ------       ...  214 

Banish  Me  from  Eden!  but, 228 

Be  Happy  Here  and  Now,           .        .....  404 

Be  Honor  Bright, 28 

BIBLE — Nature  the  True,  233;  the  Real  Persecutor,  237;  Immorali- 
ties of  the,  238;  Stands  in  the  Way,  239;  False,  240;  A  Chain, 
245;  the  Work  of  Man,  247;  Something  to  Admire,  248;  a 
Poor  Production,  250;  the  Battle-ground  of  the  Sects,  251; 
Childish,  252;  an  Infallible  Book,  257;  the  Real,  260;  the 
Bad  Passages,  261 ;  too  Much  Pictorial,  ...  262 
Black  People  have  Suffered  Enough,  ...  -  137 


INDEX.  319 

Burning  Servetus,  ._-.-.._        333 

Candidates  Made  Hypocrites,  .....  73 

CHILDREN — Their  Far-seeing  Eyes,  20;  How  to  Deal  with  Them, 
32;  How  to  Forgive  Them,  35;  Satire  on  Whipping,  36. 

CHURCH— The,  Forbids  Investigation,  195;  and  the  Throne,  73; 
Property  Taxed,  76;  Must 'Have  no  Sword,  81;  Charges 
Falsely,  196;  in  the  Dark  Ages,  197;  and  the  Tree  of 
Knowledge,  199;  Cries  "  Believe,"  200;  the  Great  Robber, 
208;  Impotent,  209;  Why  Merciful,  212;  And  the  Infidel, 
213;  Infinite  Impudence  of,  215;  Looks  Back,  218;  And 
War, 220 

Civilization,  _________         66 

CONCERNING  CREEDS  AND  THE  TYRANNY  OF  SECTS: — 

A  Hundred  and  Fifty  Years  Ago,       ....  495 

Believe,  or  Beware ! 497 

Calvin  s  Petrefied  Heart,  498 

Christianity  no  Friend  to  Progress,        ...  503 

Dishonest  Teachers,  ......  493 

Diversity  of  Opinion  Abolished,      ....  482 

Guilty  of  Heresy, 492 

How  the  Owls  Hoot ! 486 

"Hoist  With  His  Own  Petard,"         -       •        •        -  490 

Logic    Unconfined,          -         -         -  499 

Party  Names  Belittle  Men, 506 

Politeness  at  Athens, •  500 

Presbyterianism   Softening,        .....  480 

Self-Ueliance  a  Deadly  Sin !  ....  494 

Spencer  and  Darwin  Damned,  ....  483 

The  Atheist  a  Legal  Outcast,        ....  485 

The  Dead  Do  Not  Persecute,        -       -  •      -       •       .  484 

The  Despotism  of  Faith, 496 

The  Fate  of  Theological  Students,      ....  487 

The  Precious  Doctrine  of  Total  Depravity,    -        -  491 

The  Lost  Eden, 505 

The  Tail  of  a  Lion,  ..--,,  501 


320  INDEX. 

Trials  for  Heresy, 488 

While  the  Preachers  Talked  the  People  Slept,       -  502 

Where  is  the  New  Eden? 504 

CONCERNING  GREAT  MEN: — 

Abraham  Lincoln,        .......  339 

Auguste  Comte,         •  ..»•••.       343 

Benedict  Spinoza,         .......  320 

Charles  Fourier,      -..-----        342 

Constantine,  .......  316,  318 

David  Hume,  -  -  .....       328 

David  Swing,      -  -  -  ...  343 

Diderot,  319 

Ernst  Haeckel,  --  347 

Franklin  and  Jefferson,  ......       317 

General  Garfleld, 351,  352,  353 

General  Grant,        ....        ....        141 

Herbert  Spencer,       ...  ....          344 

Humboldt, 332, 333,  334,  335 

Hiram  W.  Thomas,         ........       354 

Jesus  Christ,          ........  315 

Jeremy  Bentham,  •        ......       341 

John  Calvin, 330,  331 

James  G.  Elaine, 337,338 

John  Milton, 346 

Thomas  Paine,  -       -       -       321,  322,  323,  324,  325,  326 

Napoleon, 336 

Paine,  Franklin  and  Jefferson,  ....  327 

Robert  Collyer, 345 

Rabbi  Bien, 350 

Swedenborg,             -       •       •       •       -       -       -       -       340 
Voltaire, 329 

Cooking  a  Fine  Art,       ...--.--  392 

Cornell  University, •• 

Creation  the  Decomposition  of  the  Infinite,        ...  277 

Creeds,          .,,,,,,,..  187 


INDEX.  321 

Cross-grained, 24 

Damned  for  Laughing  at  Samson,           ....  243 

Daughters  and  Wives  be  Beautiful,      .....  25 

Declaration  of  Independence,             96 

Development, 58 

DEVIL— The  Difficulty,  282;  Was  the  Devil  an  Idiot,  288;  Drown- 
ing a  World,  286;  Give  Him  His  Due,  292;  Casting  out 
Devils,  293;  The  Devil  and  the  Swine,  295;  Better  than  the 
Gods,  299 

Divorce  of  Church  and  State, 56 

Divorce  of  Church  and  School, 68 

Diogenes, 219 

Dollar,  the  Almighty,  12 

Doings  of  Democrats, -  90 

Drink  to  the  Living  and  the  Dead,          -        -        -        -  138 

Don't  Wake  the  Children,  31 

Down!    Down!!           - 192 

Duke  Orang  Outang,             - 382 

Early  Rising  Barbaric, 78 

Education  of  Nature,             401 

Eighteen  Seventy-six, 71 

Eighteen  Seventy-three  to  Eighteen  Seventy-nine,             -  144 

Enthusiasts  of  1776,  80 

Every  Man  a  Right  to  Think,        ----'--  50 

Every  Mind  True  to  Itself,  52 

Every  Man  a  Chance,              .......  94 

Examination  a  Crime,         .......  255 

Family,  the,  the  only  Heaven,  19 

Faith, 172 

FARMING — Farmers  in  Debt,  13;  Cultivated  Farmers,  9;  Protect 
Yourselves,  7;  Farmer's  Boy,  3;  Farmer's  Happy  Winter, 
11;  Happy  Life  of  the  Farm,  2;  Lonely  Life,  16;  The 
Best  Farming  States,  17;Sunset  of  the  Farmer's  Life,  6. 

Fighting  Done,  Work  Begun,  135 

Flowers,  .,,,,,,       ,.       .       .       403 


322  INDEX. 

Freedom  for  the  Clergy,  223 

Free,  Honest  Thought,           -        -        -        -        -        -        -  395 

From  Whence  Come  Wars, 203 

GEMS  FROM  THE   CONTROVERSIAL  CASKET: — Colonel  Robert  G. 
Ingersoll,  in  Controversy  with  Judge  J.  S.  Black. 

A  Frank  Admission,  418 

A  Hindu  Example, 422 

A  Profound  Change  in  the  World  of  Thought,      -  416 

A  Persian  Gospel,        -        -        -        -        -        -        -  426 

A  Serious  Charge,  420 

A  Test  Fairly  Applied,         -        -        -                -        -  423 

Ararat  in  Chicago,  456 

Character  Rather  Than  Creed,          ....  447 

Christianity  Takes  no  Step  in  Advance,  430 

Christianity  a  Mixture  of  Good  and  Evil,        -        -  431 

Christianity  has  no  Monopoly  in  Morals,        -        -  454 

God  and  Brahma, 428 

God  and  Zeno,  459 

How  Gods  and  Devils  are  Made,        ....  457 

Infinite  Punishment  for  Finite  Crimes,  462 

Is  All  That  Succeeds  Inspired?         ....  459 

Jehovah  Breaking  His  Own  Laws,  442 

Jehovah,  Epictetus,  and  Cicero,       ....  432 

Jehovah's  Promises  Broken,          ....  446 

Judas  Iscariot, 436 

Judge  Black's  Admissions, 464 

Man  the  Author  of  all  Books,        ....  427 

Matthew,  Mark,  and  Luke,          .•'•'.        -        -        -  429 

Miracle  Mongers,       -        -        - 452 

Mohammed  the  Prophet  of  God,         ....  443 

No  Right  to  Think,  439 

Old  Age  in  Superstition's  Lap,          ....  455 

Proofs  of  Civilization, 425 

Sin  as  a  Debt,        -                434 

Slavery  in  Heaven,  441 

Summary  of  Evangelical  Belief,         ....  415 


INDEX.  323 

Suppose!  434 

The  Atonement,  ....  433 

The  Bible  Verbally  Inspired,  421 

The  Bible  Should  be  the  Best  Book,  -        -        -  419 

The  Honor  Due  to  Christ,        -  453 

^  The  Logic  of  the  Coffin,        -  435 

The  Liberty  of  the  Bible,  440 

The  Universe  Self-Existent, 445 

The  Morality  in  Christianity,         -  451 

The  Origin  of  the  Controversy,          ....  413 

The  Philosophy  of  Action,        -  461 

The  Romance  of  Figures, 458 

The  Stars  Upon  the  Brow  of  France,  465 

The  Standard  of  Right,        -        -  -        -  437 

Too  Much  to  Believe, 417 

Wanted!  A  Little  More  Legislation,  -        -        -  449 

What  is  Christianity?       -        -  414 

What  is  Conscience? 438 

What  We  Know  of  the  Infinite,  444 

Whence  Came  the  Gospel?  -        -  463 

Why  was  Christ  so  Silent?        -  460 

Who  Designed  the  Designer  ? 443 

General  Joshua,  377 

George  Eliot,  -        -  •     -        -  349 

Give  a  Child  a  Chance,       -------  33 

GOD— Silent,  175;  Every  Nation  Has  Created  a  God,  275;  In  Idle- 
ness, 285;  No  Evidence  in  Nature,  289;  Grows  Smaller,  291; 
How  Can  I  Assist  God,  296;  How  Can  He  be  Improved,  297; 
Annihilation  Rather  than  be  a  God,  -  ...  310 

GODS— With  Back  Hair,  276;  Are  as  the  People  Are,  278;  Shouldn't 
Make  Mistakes,  279;  Plenty  on  Hand,  281;  Some  Very  Par- 
ticular, 287;  The  Scorn  of  To-morrow,  288;  Great  Variety, 

290 

God's  Letter  to  His  Children,  254 

Gold, 54 


324  INDEX. 

Government,  Secular,  70 

Grander  than  Greek,  or  Roman,            137 

Haeckel  Before  Moses, 375 

Hard  Work  in  the  Ark, 386 

Happiness  the  Object  of  Life, 5 

Happiness  the  Turnpike  Road  of,  22 

Heaven  has  no  Hand,  183 

Heaven  is  Deaf,       ...                        ....  igg 

HELL — Where  the  Doctrine  was  Born,  306;  The  Grand  Companion- 
ships of,  307;  Calvin  in  Hell,  314 
Heresy  and  Orthodoxy,          - .      -  355 
History,  a  Bloody  Farce,  181 

History  of   Civilization, 128 

Honor  to  the  Brave,  132 

Honesty  TeUs,  83 

Honesty  Best,  166 

Honest  Methods,                                                                       -  169 

Home,  Own  Your  Own,  14 

Hope  of  a  Future  Life,  302 

Horror  of  Horrors,  308 

How  Criminals  Die,        -                                           -        -        -  176 

How  was  it  Done, 376 

How  to  Spend  a  Dollar,                           -        -        -        -        -  165 

lam  Immortal,  303 

I  am  Something, f  ••••••  49 

I  am  a  Republican,  I  Tell  You,  92 

I  Leave  the  Dead,                                                            -        -  313 

I  Don't  Believe  the  Bible,  236 

Is  it  Possible,                                                                             -  300 

It  is  Impossible, 301 

I  Claim  My  Right  to  Guess,  47 

I  Will  Settle  with  God  Myself,  46 

Illinois,  160 
Individual  Independence, 

Inflation, 159 


INDEX.  325 

INFIDELS— Of  1776,  264;  The  Flowers  of  the  World,  266;  Noblest 
Sons  of  Earth,  267;  Why  Should  they  Die  in  Fear?  269; 
The  Pioneers  of  Progress,  272;  The  Great  Discoverers, 
273 

INFIDELITY— Is  Liberty,  270 ;   The  World  in  Debt  to  Infidelity,  271 

INGERSOLL,  COL.  E.  G. — Not  a  Politician,  65;  How  he  became  an 
Infidel,  268;  In  the  Kitchen,  390;  Prefers 
Shoemakers  to  Princes,  396;  A  Farmer,  1; 
Wants  to  Put  Out  the  Fires  of  Hell,  42; 
The  Five  Gospels  of  Ingersoll,  408, 409,  410, 
411,  412;  Ingersoll's  Solid  Rock,  -  407 

Inspiration, 234,  257,  258,  259 

Intellectual  Tyranny,  40 

Intemperance  Impeached,       -        -        -                -        -        -  393 

Industrious    Deities,           .        -        .        .  284 

Keep  the  Flag  in  Heaven,   .            ......  14$ 

Kings  and  Queens,  18 

Laws  that  Want  Repealing,  69 

Laws  Older  than  Sinai, 371 

Liberty,  -     63,  64,  75,  394 

Manhood  More  than  Gold,  136 

Make  the  Sabbath  Merry,       -  364 

Man  the  Victor  of  the  Future,  362 

Matter  and  Force,             374 

Meat  Twice  a  Year,  163 

Melancholy  Sundays,      -        - 366 

Miracles, 280 

Money,  .........        161,  162 

Moses  and  Egyptian  Law,  367 

Mule  Equality,                                                                           -  101 

No  State  Church,  79 

No  Repudiation,               151 

No  Antediluvian  Camp  Meetings, 385 

Never  Rise  at  Four  o'clock,             380 

One  Plow  worth  a  Million  Sermons,          ....  363 


326  „  INDEX. 

On  the  Horns  of  a  Dilemma, 294 

Origin  of  the  Priesthood,  225 

Our  Government  the  Best  on  Earth, 104 

Paper  is  not  Money,  142 

Paring  Nails,            358 

Polygamy,             -        •  • -        -  389 

Protection,                ..........  155 

Professors,  57 

Persecutors,  174 

Promises  Don't  Pay,  153 

Puritans,  43 

Queen  Victoria,  349 

Read  the  Bible,  and  Then!—  256 

Recollect,      ------  93 

RELIGION— Not  the  End  of  Life,  186;  Tyrannical,  184;  And  Facts, 
185;  The  Worst  in  the  World,  188;  Demanding  Miracles, 
189;  Legitimate  Influence  of,  265;  The  Epitaph  of  all 

Religions, Ill 

Restive  Clergymen,  230 

Roast  the  Beef,  Not  the  Cook,  8 

Room  for  Every  Wing, 102 

Saviors  of  the  Nation,  140 

Saved  by  Disobedience, 39 

Say  What  You  Think,  41 

SCIENCE— The  Glory  of,  106;  Better  than  a  Creed,  108;  The  Relig- 
ion of,  109;  Not  Sectarian,  110;  Is  Power,  113;  Supreme, 
114;  Opening  the  Gates  of  Thought,  115;  The  Trinity  of , 
117;  The  Triumphs  of,  119;  What  Science  Found,  120; 

The  Only  Lever,  121 

Self -Made  Men,  383 

Shakespeare  and  Sermons, 211 

Shocking  the  Heathen,        -------  45 

Sham  Dignity, 397 

Silver  Demonetized,  170 

SLAVERY— In  the  Name  of  Religion,  123;  The  Patrons  of,  124, 

Does  God  Uphold  Slavery?  129 


INDEX.  327 

Slovenly  Farming,  10 

Sleep  is  Medicine,  379 

Something  from  Nothing,                       -----  388 

Source  of  Power,         --------  77 

Solid  and  Bright,             -                        154 

Soldiers  of  the  Republic,  131 

Solemn  Defiance,                              ------.  130 

Stars  and  Grains  of  Sand,  116 

State  Sovereignty,  85 

Stingy  Men,  26 

Stand  by  the  Government,             ------  148 

Standing  up  for  God,           ..---..  373 

Sunset  of  Farmer's  Life,  6 

That  Dreadful  Apple,  298 

The  Altar  of  Reason,              274 

The  Brain  a  Castle,  48 

The  Boss  of  the  Family,  27 

The  Call  to  Preach, .-  24 

The  Clergy  on  Heaven,                                                    -        -  226 

The  Crime  of  Crimes,  171 

The  Column  of  July,      -        -  98 

The  Conscience  of  a  Hyena, 312 

The  Colonel  Short  of  Words,  122 

The  Debt  will  be  Paid,  143 

The  Design  Argument,            -        - 191 

The  Donkey  and  the  Lion,  20s 

The  Drama  of  Damnation, 309 

The  Eighteenth  Century, 62 

The  Final  Goal,        ---------  61 

The  Few  Say,  "Think,"  198 

The  First  Corpse,                                                              -        -  177 

The  Greatest  Liars  in  Michigan,  34 

The  Great  Crash,             152 

The  Hermit  is  Mad,  381 

The  Heretics  Cry,  "Halt!"            201 

The  Kirk  of  Scotland, 217 


328  INDEX. 

The  Kings  of  America,  86 

The  Man  I  Love,  241 

The  Opera  at  the  Table,  29 

The  Old  Idea,        -                        74 

The  Old  Woman  of  Tewksbury,  -        157 

The  Old  World  and  the  New,      ....  78 

The  Old  and  the  New, -        118 

The  Orthodox  Christian, 206 

The  World  Ignorant  of  Destiny,     ....  -        305 

The  One  Window  in  the  Ark,     -  384 

The  Pulpit  Weakens,  224 

The  Parson,  the  Crane  and  the  Fish,  227 

The  People  Beginning  to  Think,                             -  -        -        360 

The  Pulpits'  Cry  of  Fear,  229 

The  Parson-Factory  at  Andover,  231 

The  Rack,  193 

The  Republican  Platform,  103 

The  Revolution  Consummated,  134 

The  Real  Priest, 112 

The  Sixteenth  Century,  178 

The  Second  Century  of  America, 105 

The  South  and  the  Tariff,  155 

The  Surviving  Aristocracy,                                       -  -        -        356 

The  Sad  Wilderness  History,  370 

The  Sacred  Sabbath,  363 

The  School  a  Fort,  405 

The  Tables  Turned.  -        107 

The  Torch  of  Progress,  53 

The  Temple  of  the  Future,     -        -  60 

The  World  not  so  Awful  Flat,  202 

The  World  Grows  Brighter,  -  97 

The  Wail  of  Dead  Nations,  88 

The  Worker  Wearing  the  Purple,  402 

The  109th  Psalm,  235 

The  Zig-Zag  Strip,  126 

Toilers  and  Idlers, 15,  369 


INDEX.  329 

Toleration, -       -       -       -  210 

Too  Early  to  Write  a  Creed, 51 

Truth  will  Bear  the  Test,                357 

There  May  be  a  God,  359 

Unchained  Thought,       -                        -----  361 

Wanted! — More  Manliness, 400 

Wanted!— A  New  Method,                      216 

We  are  all  Kings,  82 

We  Will  Settle,  Fair,                      14g 

We  Want  One  Fact,  190 

We  are  Getting  Free,      -                                         -        -        -  406 

What  if  Death  Ends  All!  304 

Whale,  Jonah  and  All!                                                    -        -  242 

What  did  Moses  Know  about  the  Sun?  387 

What  the  Greenbacks  Say,     -------  168 

What  the  Republican  Party  Did,  89 

What  the  Saints  Could  Cure,  173 

What  Were  we  Fighting  For,  133 

Who  is  the  Blasphemer?  371 

Who  is  the  Real  Nobleman?  399 

Who  Shall  Rule  the  Country?  95 

Whips  and  Gods  Banished,      -  37 

Working  for  Others,       -        -  84 

Wounds  of  the  War  Healed,  139 

Where  Moses  Got  the  Penteteuch, 253 

Years  Without  Seeing  a  Dollar, 87 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A    000773118     5 


